TOPIC: Can Boston take the AL East?

Today's topic:
As of today, the Boston Red Sox are 5/12 games out of first. With a month of play still to go, and six of those games against the Division-leading Yankees, does Boston have what it takes to take the Division?

ELI MANNING: Living in the Jungle Don't Make You a Monkey!

written by Matthew Lungariello

On a different note with Eli Manning, let's ask "who does this guy think he is?"

Prior to the draft, Manning told San Diego not to draft him. He said that he would hold out and not sign a contract with them, so there was no point in drafting him….Where does someone who has never even attempted a pass in the NFL get off making demands? I don’t care who your father is, nor do I care how good your brother is.

The fact that you grew up in a house that talked Football at the dinner table doesn’t make me believe that once you get between those lines you will be successful. It’s a totally different game once you turn Pro. If that wasn’t the case, every successful College athlete would be a great Pro. Eli has a lot to proove, and with an ego like that, he best be proving a lot.

ELI VS. KURT: No Contest

written by Matthew Lungariello

One is a 3-time Pro Bowler, MVP, and Super Bowl Champion. The other has not played a single down in the National Football League. The Choice is simple, right? The NY Giants best chance of making the playoffs has Kurt Warner as their Quarterback. Or maybe not.

It’s true, Eli Manning can’t touch the big game experience that Warner has. It’s also true that most rookie Quarterbacks, even the great ones, when given the chance to start suffer growing pains. If you were to ask Giant veterans such as 6-time Pro Bowler Michael Strahan, he would give the nod to Kurt Warner, simply because he gives the G-Men their best chance to win this year. This may be true, however, I don’t think that they are Super Bowl contenders even with Warner at the helm. They are still an 8 or 9 win team, maximum.

Warner has spent the last two seasons getting concussions and fumbling the football, but let’s say that this change of scenery causes him to regain his old form. He plays well all season and proves to everyone that he is still good enough to be a starting Quarterback in this league. At season’s end, he will catch on with a team that is looking for a veteran Quarterback like Warner and will get a lot of money to leave. Now, at the start of 2005, the Giants will be in the same position as they are right now. Eli Manning is going to start and we will have to deal with his growing pains. Why? Because they took a chance at winning it all in ’04? So far this pre-season, Manning has out-played Warner by a very small margin. If Manning, who is competing against Warner’s resume, out-performs him, Manning should win the staring job.

Don’t think that I am taking sides here. The NY Giants offensive line lets more uninvited people in than the housekeeper, so there will be plenty of sacks, concussions, bumps, and bruises to go around. Some might say that you can’t let Manning play behind that offensive line. They hypothesize that his confidence will be hurt, and maybe more than just that. I am sure Manning, if elected staring Quarterback, will take a beating. But if he shows that he can take a hit without fumbling the ball (which has yet to be seen with Warner), then the Giants would be doing what’s best for the team, not for the player. I have to say it, but there is no I in T-E-A-M.

Maybe Manning needs some time to incubate. Maybe Warner’s a better pick for now to win some games. But is letting Eli incubate now while they hope Kurt is hopping back in the saddle, shooting themselves in the foot? Are the Giants going to be any further next season than they are right now? The decision lies in, is the team solid enough to put off getting Manning the experience he needs? The answer is only "yes" if the Giants are legitimate contenders. And right now it sure doesn't look that way. It's seems like no contest from that angle... But is it the right answer for Tom Coughlin? Only time will tell.

8/27/2004: KNOWLEDGE

"Only two things are infinite: human stupidity and the Universe. And I'm not sure about the second one." -"Big Al" Einstein

FLAG FOOTBALL IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

written by Khalid Washington

I decided to join a flag football team this year. It's ironic that these are the same people I have blasted since I gained knowledge of their existence some time ago. I couldn't begin to tell you the jokes I had for these people. I always chalked them up to be “the ones who were afriad to get dirty." I thought of them as people who had no choice but to be weekend warriors in polyester/cotton blend jerseys with iron on numbers playing on a field with enough goose droppings to build a fort.

This year, though, I said to myself, "I'll give it a try. I always had a fascination with geese anyway." Then I thought to myself, "If anything it would be worth a good laugh, and besides they usually go to bars and buy each other drinks and buffalo wings and watch 'real athletes' go at it on FOX and CBS." Well... please take this as an official apology to all those people that I have disrespected and cracked jokes about. You're not just weekend warriors. And there is lot more than goose crap on that field. There are real live athletes that come to play this game. Let me be the first to tell you "Flag football is serious business." If you think I'm just pulling your leg, please keep in mind, the season has not officially started…it has just been practice for the past 3 weeks.

“So what?” you might say. In these past 3 weeks of practice I have two sore hamstrings, over extended a quad muscle, and I have a pain in a joint that I don’t want to mention to anyone but a female physical therapist named Bambi that would examine me (Can you say happy ending? )Am I whining? Am I weak? I don't think so...
Practice consists of
-some light jogging
-half sprints for about 100 yards
-then full speed 40-yard sprints
-Suicides. Five cones are set about 10 yards apart, and it’s our objective to race against one of our teammates to the first cone and back to the beginning…then to the second cone and back to the beginning, and so on. The name speaks for itself folks. It is an exercise made for those who like pain. It must have been made by the Nazi's.

I bet that sounds like a full days work out to some people…especially all the people that have the time to sit and read this article. You’re probably relaxing and taking one of your many breaks from your cushy desk job saying, “Wow sometimes lifting boxes in the mail room is painful.” But wait Dilbert it’s not over quite yet. Next we have catch drills, where the team forms a circle and has to catch whatever type of pass our starting quarterback throws to you. Anytime you drop a pass you have to do 10 push-ups. Our quarterback/co-captain/co-founder of the Bronx Bulldogs, Mike Marchena, a good “former” friend of mine (before I joined his team) has a pretty good arm. His throw reminds me of my days playing baseball as an adolescent. I was always impressed at the pitchers who threw the ball hard enough to make it whistle as it breezed passed you and the Ump yelled, “Strike three!” Oh wait, am I the only one that has that memory?

The first pass Mike threw to me at practice whistled as it darted toward me…mind you I’m talking about a football. That’s gotta be what it’s like when John Elway or Dan Marino tells you to “Do a seven step drop and I’ll get you the ball.” And before you can turn around to get knocked out by it, you can hear it coming…whistling through the air like a humming bird on a suicide mission to pierce his beak through your brain. One of my teammates after practice showed us the bruise Mike put on his chest on a mid-range route…(that’s about a 15-20 yard pass for all you non "flaggers").

After this, my thoughts turned to cold beer and hot wings. But, practice wasn't over. Next we ran some plays. We learned about 4 or 5 different plays in our last practice, but for some reason my route was always the same. They designated me as having "good speed." Because no matter where they lined me up, left side or right side, slot or backfield, they told me to do one thing…go long. Yes people, I have found the right place to be mentally challenged with the complexities that exist in the game of football. The odds of getting a long pass thrown to me are way below average, being that the defense will usually drop back in deep enough coverage to avoid receivers making those catches. And being a dedicated Newport smoker doesn’t help in the consistency of running a successful long route every time. After about 3 or 4 attempts at running this play, I have to ask, “Can you send me on a seven step drop so I can turn around and have the ball get rammed into my chest?” I half wish I'd get injured on a flag pulling mishap. But I troop on...

Hopefully I will last through two more weeks of practice and a season that goes into mid-December. I am hurting, but I look at this as my crucifix. This was the fate that I've chosen. Here I am hurting and living a pro player's life without the glamour and money (we only get paid if we win... that's right, no flag football labor union). I should be nestled up in the bar with a cardigan and a cold brew, watching the game on TV. Instead, I find myself a flagger. Maybe we can petition to get this turned into an Olympic event. But for now, let’s see if we can build a little fan base for our team…. GO BULLDOGS!!!!!!! And if not, save me some blu cheese for the hot wings.

Editor's note: See Khalid in action at Massena Park in Queens, NY every Sunday morning and afternoon. But since none of us will go to see him, we're sure he will keep us regularly updated on the standing of his team and his status as a player... whether we want to hear it or not.

OLYMPICS: Power-Walk This Way

Tim Seaman May Have Lost the Power-Walking Medal, but His Efforts aren't for Nothing

written by Tara Eliason

The US has never won a medal in the Men's 20k walk, and sadly that will not change in Athens.

Our hopeful this year was the US trial winner, 32-year old Tim Seaman. Tim began walking in high school where he at first was not so crazy about the sport saying it seemed silly. But it wasn't so silly when he began winning titles and received a scholarship. This year, Tim, our most talented walking hopeful in years, would strut his stuff in Athens for his 2nd Olympics.

Unfortunately, there is always someone out there that walks faster, and Tim failed to receive a medal.

However, Tim should be proud of himself. Even with the strict rules associated with the sport (a bend of the knee or momentary loss of contact with the ground can cause a disqualification), Tim managed to come in 20th, walking faster than any other American ever walked in the Olympics. Wow!

Hopefully this stunning display of power will help bolster our walking teams here in the states. Some day we will become a power-walking force to be reckoned with, but for now Italy (Europe's "walking assault") holds the crown of fastest. Congratulations Ivano Brugnetti!

One thing Tim has taught us all though: Don't just stand there... Walk on America!!

8/26/2004: KNOWLEDGE

"I'm unusual in one respect. My Lucky number is 541,633." - George Carlin

IF YOU LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW, YOU'LL LOVE THE OLYMPICS!

written by Khalid Washington

"If you think watching grass grow is fun, then you'll love the Olympics!" - New Olympic slogan

The Olympics have taken the example from American media and made everything they can a sport. Business (the Apprentice), marriage (The Bachelor), surviving (survivor). Their goal is to fill every primetime, late night and early morning slot possible. (No more Honeymooners reruns, dear...the World Series of Poker is about to start!!!). Poker may be fun, but it's no sport. It's what people do when they get together for Monday Night Football. It's what you do when you're WATCHING a sport. But that doesn't make it one.

It's not that these people shouldn't get recognitionfor being the best at whatever they do. I mean, I'm sure the World Hot Dog eating Contest gets the bulk of prime time ratings over anything the big 4 networks can put on. But really, are we that interested in these competitions? There may be some interest in what's going on, but it lies solely in the game itself not the players. That's what makes the major sports in this country entertaining. It's the fact that they have devised a way to market their stars and make a name for them based on their individual abilities. And it's actually something that people admire.

Give us characters, Olympics, give us characters. And they're not just the players, they're everyone in the game. What about Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the synchronized diving? Give us Barry Bonds with 100 walks at the All-Star break this season. Give us some storyline, like Donovan McNabb finally having a legitimate wide receiver in Terrell Owens (keep your thoughts clean folks, this is a family show). Give us the New York Knicks hiring prominent figure Isiah Thomas in the front office. Most have given up on the Knicks, but that's the point: whether the job is getting done or not, at least we know who Thomas is. People who've never even seen a hockey game know who Wayne Gretzky is.

People even thought tennis was cool when they saw Andre Agassi for the first time. I mean I thought it was cool, but am I making any sense here? Me being a black man, I actually got up the nerve to swing some golf clubs at the driving range a few times. And people stupidly thought I might be pretty good. Why do you ask? Do I really have to answer that question? The bottom line is that there are some sports that people aspire to duplicate. And believe me I know people don't want to watch any black man golf, they want to watch one in particular. They want him. It's not just a catchy phrase when you hear "I wanna be like Mike." Nobody says, "I wanna be like the guy that can eat the most hot dogs and not blow his chunks all over the capacity crowd that consists of 5 judges and all the competitors relatives." It's fun to watch, but are we really cheering for one particular guy? Does it matter who wins as long as someone wins? And if that's how I feel, then why even tune in? Isn't the basis of all sports root-root-rooting for the home team?

On top of all that, there is no history in these sports. Nothing for grandparents to explain to the children that watch the competitions of today. An old timer could talk for hours and bore their kids to tears. But there could be some meaningful parts to the conversation. For instance they could discuss how Jackie Robinson changed the face of baseball, or how Bart Starr was the MVP of the 1st ever Super Bowl. And somehow the kids will learn, "That was the same year I met your grandmother at the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance and she had a certain gleam in her eye that made me fall in love." Even if the real story was that they met when they were both drunk from tailgating. And after the kids wake up they will cut out the unnecessary parts of the story and feel greatful that their favorite sport has some history to it. The history of Olympic "event" table tennis is "It was invented by old lazy people who couldn't play real tennis." No good story there.

These sports need something else to build up their standings in the eyes of this great nation...something like an enemy. They need the BOSTON RED SOX / NEW YORK YANKEES rivalry. One of the main rules in life (I guess) is location, location, location. We need a poker player from the Bronx and one from Boston who have each made it to the finals for like 60 years and counting. We need them to have an occasional fist fight, throw political and religious slurs at one another and maybe even make up names for each other. the player from the Bronx would be Darth Vader (of course, the leader of the evil empire) and the guy from Boston would be Minute Man because that's how long it takes him to lose every chip he brought to the table. Then and only then would the world series of poker be a legitimate sport.

Without an enemy, there's no real competition. You need some history, some war. Maybe that's why they are making movies about the Olympic hockey team versus the Russians in the 1980's. But this year, the most exciting thing is people falling off the jungle gym.

8/25/2004: KNOWLEDGE

"I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad thing." -George Carlin

MET'S FANS: Open Up and Say... Ahhhhhhhhhh!

written by Matthew Lungariello

Without a plan, there is no attack. Without an attack, there is no victory. The NY Mets have no plan. One hand is moving left, the other is moving right, and no one can see the feet. They are more concerned about not making themselves look bad than they are concerned about winning. Meanwhile, they never win. …And they always look bad.

During spring training, the Mets had the opportunity to test the “Mike Piazza at 1st base” experiment. They chose to wait until season play for the transition though, and it just so happens the 2 major injuries that have kept the future Hall of Famer out of their anemic lineup this season happened while playing his first games at the new position.

They traded Ty Wigginton, who will not be a top tier player, for Kris Benson, a mediocre pitcher on a bad team. Benson’s wife, Anna (see AnnaBenson.net (humina, humina)), has longed to get her modeling/acting career going under the bright lights of New York. DO NOT underestimate the power of the wife. The Yankees top scouts have expressed no interest in Benson, and he is a Free Agent at the end of this season. So lets make this simple:
1) He wants to play and live in New York.
2) The Yankees don’t want him.
3) He is a Free Agent.
The Mets could have obtained him without giving up anything, and still have had their hottest hitter at the time, Ty Wigginton.

Scott Kazmir is thought to be by many scouts a sure impact player in the Major Leagues. During Spring training, there were rumors that the Texas Rangers wanted to trade Alfonso Soriano to the Mets with Kazmir being the centerpiece of the deal. The Mets brass labeled Kazmir “untouchable” at that point. But, that went out the window when Kazmir was traded for the “ace” of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Victor Zambrano. Don’t get me wrong: Zambrano can win a lot of games. But it’s all dependent on if Zambrano, the major league leader for walks, can straighten out that MAJOR control problem.

After the trade, the media reported that the Mets were afraid that Kazmir’s arm would tire and that his body wasn’t equipped to throw that hard for too long. I’m sure Kazmir’s under-six-foot-predecessors, Pedro Martinez and Billy Wagner would beg to differ with that sentiment. For the next act in the Greek Tragedy that is the Mets, Sportscenter reported that Zambrano was hurt and would probably be put on the DL. So much for Kazmir breaking down. As if this story is not painful enough, Tampa Bay’s executives come out and say that the Mets had full knowledge of Zambrano’s injuries and the deal went on anyway.

I know what you're thinking and you’re right: the New York media questioned the Mets regarding this and they said they did know about the injuries, but everyone was wrong about the reasons that Kazmir was traded. They said that Kazmir was traded because of his makeup. That the temptations of New York would be too much for a talented young pitcher. See Dwight Gooden.

Have the Mets had bad luck taking chances over the years? Yes. But after a car accident, you can’t be scared to get behind the wheel again. The Mets should take a page out of the book of their cross-town rivals. If the Yankees were scared off the international market because of the Hideki Irabu debacle, then they would have never signed Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, Alfonso Soriano, or even Hideki Matsui.

After the Steve Phillips era, the Mets cut payroll to $80 million, and claimed that they would be “rebuilding.” If that were true, where are all the young people? Why is Tom Glavine, who is old enough to be my father, pitching for them? They can't be rebuilding and chasing the pennant at the same time. That doesn’t work in New York. See New York Knicks. Fans of New York would accept the fact that the Mets are rebuilding, and would be happy to see youngsters playing these games out, Instead the Mets want you to believe that they are actually making moves for the now, but this is not true. They are putting a small patch on a big hole. The sooner they see the error in ways, the sooner they will be able to be a watchable team again.

As for the “now,” Mets fans should stop watching games, stop showing up in Flushing, and then MAYBE their protests will be heard. The Mets thought it might be a good idea to have their own TV station like the Yankees have YES, only difference is they have no product. It still is just as expensive to watch that team at Shea as it is to have a seat in the Bronx. I pity those who consider themselves part of the Mets faithful. If you are mad, I don’t blame you. There is no immediate hope for this team. The light that you see at the end of the tunnel is a Doctor’s lamp scoping the arm of Victor Zambrano.

BALCO JUST WANTS TO HELP

written by Buddy Lung
It occurred to me the other day that the Balco scandal has all but disappeared and without much resolution. But has the scandal faded... or have people come to love Balco like I have?

Let's be honest: The worst you can say for the Balco scandal is that performance enhancers aren't bad per se, just midunderstood. Balco doesn't mean any harm, do they? They just want to help. Think of them as sponsors, or specialized personal trainers. We can't hate Balco anymore than we do the plastic surgeons who give our actors and actresses their tummy tucks.

And it's just wrong to say that the use of certain performance enhancers in baseball is bad or unfair.. Is it unfair because some players used it? ...Or that the others didn't get to? Are athletes using performance enhancers any different from a Playboy centerfold who gets breast implants? Or even an old man popping Viagra? Nobody says a breast enhanced centerfold is "unfair," or that a Viagra induced erection puts it unfairly above the rest as competitors. Speaking of Viagra, look how popular they are... Meanwhile, poor Balco is being picked on.

The only real ways to ensure fairness and equality on the playing field are either a) make steroids mandatory for all players or b) outlaw all exercising and working out. Yeah, you heard me right! It's all or none. If no enhancers are allowed, then you really have to get rid of all physical enhancers: weight lifting, physical therapy, even protein shakes. This is all pampering of the players, it's all attempts to enhance performance above a player's natural ability. Players should smoke cigars, drink hard liquor, eat hot dogs at the 7th inning stretch and sleep short hours before batting practice. Let fate and nature decide how they play. That's how we used to do it.

And if you don't want to play baseball my way, then you're just gonna have to stop talking about it for now at least until the end of the season. All this talk about drugs and nastiness isn't for sunny afternoons at the park... baseball or otherwise. I know the good people at Balco would certainly agree.

8/24/2004: TODAY'S KNOWLEDGE

"I went to the missing persons bureau... No one was there." -George Carlin

WELCOME

written by System Adminstrator

WELCOMES: Welcome to PretentiousSports.com which is by no means a dot.com, but is pretentious enough to call itself one.

CONTENT: On this website you will find the latest, the greatest in sports rantings from some of our PretentiousSports club. Also, each posting comes equipped with a comments section in which readers will be able to react to any postings on the site. So feel free to comment, but make sure to play nice, we'll reserve the right to reject or edit any entries.

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