ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid's take on the Sixers, Steroids, and Mothers-in-Law

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSportsters.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Dear Khalid,
What is up with the Sixers? I thought Webber was going there to help Iverson and they had that division under lock and key. So what's the deal? And Why are the Celtics outplaying em?
-A Concerned Philly fan

Dear Concerned Philly Fan,
The Sixers did make a step in the right direction when picking up Webber. But it wasn’t to make it to the playoffs and contend for a title. The purpose of bringing in Chris Webber was to make Allen Iverson believe that the team were being proactive about getting to the playoffs and getting a championship. That way Iverson wouldn't keep demanding trades in the offseason.

The Celtics are outdoing them right now since they were able to retain Gary Payton and bring Antoine Walker back. With those two and Paul Pierce, plus the rise of youngster Ricky Davis, Boston is going to the playoffs without a doubt. One of the keys to the Celtics is their talented youth, and that’s something the Sixers just don’t have. It doesn't take a genius to tell that the Sixers' “new” Power Forward Chris Webber is nearing the end of his career. How much can a player offer on 10-plus years of banging the boards and a serious ankle injury that he just recovered from after being out for the majority of the ’03 season? Basketball seasons are similar to dog years. Webber (now about 110 years old) is due to retire and the Sixers are not a threat to anyone…except maybe the Knicks.

P.S. Hey Philly Fan, before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s worry about getting the Eagles to hoist that Lombardi Trophy.

Dear Khalid,
Do you think steroids make pro ball more fun? Why is everyone being so rough on it?
-Not Mark

Dear Not Mark, I think steroids in all sports are wrong. Unfortunately, the owners and the fans want their athletes to run faster, jump higher, hit harder and recover from a broken foot in two minutes. Look at players like Bonds and McGuire…they all broke records and are under the microscope because they went from puny to punisher in a matter of a few years. People’s bodies don’t change that dramatically with just diet and exercise. Heck, I’m in the gym twice a week for a whole ten minutes and there's no change in me, so don’t’ expect it from those guys either. Anyhow, in order for the athletes to keep up with demand, they need some thing to help them… I mean, because at the end of the day there is one thing that they do have in common with us. They are imperfect human beings as well. So they juice up. I know a few of our journalists and one of our editors (who shall remain nameless) juice up to write their articles better. So with that said, I agree with the fact that people are rough on steroids. Corporate and personal players' greed will push these players to the juice. And honestly I feel like none of these sports will suffer if we don’t’ see a record breaking act every single year. Just play with what God gave you.

Dear Khalid:
I hate my mother-in-law, even though she is really hot. What should I do?
-Sleepless in Siam

Dear Sleepless,
Don’t mess with the mother in law. I remember a friend of mine was getting some stuff together for a wedding and his mother and law was hot. One day it was just him and the Mom in the house, and she told him that she wanted to have a piece of him right before the wedding because she thought he was that sexy. He told her he wasn’t sure if he could do that…it just didn’t feel right. He said he needed some air and went outside. The mom told him that when he came back and if he was still interested, she would be undressed in the bedroom waiting. When he returned to the door, the father in law answered with his future wife standing there. They both had tears in their eyes and the father said, “We just wanted to see if you would fall to the pressure. But you stood strong. Welcome to the family, 'son!'” He smiled and accepted the group hug that he received, but didn’t let anybody know he had a condom in his pocket from when he went outside….to his car. So keep on hating her, cuz the day you like her is the day you’re dead. I’m out. Keep it Pretentious. Peace.

Do you have a Prtentious Question that you'd like answered?
e-mail your questions to: pretentiousports@gmail.com (remember, it's PretentiousPorts@gmail.com... only one s... we left off the last "S" for savings).

THAT'S LYPHE: NCAA Final Four Preview

written by Khalid Washington

I used to not care much about college basektball. I hadn’t watched a single game of this year’s tournament (except that one night when they played the reruns of Smallville). Besides that one time, college ball just never did it for me.

Until one day I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She expressed the passion that these boys play with, the energy and the drive and it’s all really for the desire to achieve a National Title.

“Really?” I thought to myself. And none of that has to do with looking good to NBA scouts so you can get a higher draft spot and larger salary coming into the big leagues? I’m sure it has nothing to do with that at all. But anyway... I do have respect for these young men because frankly, they can do something I have never had great ability with; and that is the beautiful yet complex art of playing basketball.

So since that day, I have declared myself a college ball expert. You see, we're pretentious here if you haven't noticed and all it takes is some declaring and bam! I am now breaking down the Final Four for you.

Illinois vs. Louisville

I appreciate the fact that Illinois came from out of nowhere this year to make themselves a powerhouse in Division I hoops. Led by the explosive Dee Brown, they can play with the best of them and dominate the worst. Their starting five on the court are a unique three guards (Brown, Luther Head and Deron Williams) and two forward combinations, as opposed to a traditional two guard / two forward / one center line up. The key to their offensive attack is forward Roger Powell Jr. This 6'6" 235 lbs forward is a constant mismatch for opposing teams. If you defend him with a bigger forward, he'll usually have more speed and agility than that defender; if you defend him with a smaller forward or a guard, he can post that defender and put his body on him for easy baskets.

And let's get back on Dee Brown. He’s a great transition shooter and passer, so opposing teams must constantly worry about giving up easy points off turnovers and long rebounds.

If there were a team that could run with Illinois this year, it's North Carolina, Duke, or the team they will be facing to reach the National Championship, Louisville.

Louisville's Coach Rick Patino has developed a team of "never say die" players who actually came back from down by as many as 20 points in their last game to reach this level. They have strong inside rebounders, in particular the 6'8" Freshman Juan Diego Palacio. He, along with the two other big men Louisville brings to their starting five also possess a great ability to hit nineteen footers and post up baskets. Size is also a contributing factor on the perimeter with 6'7" small forward Francisco Garcia. He will probably be matched with the tallest Illinois Guard in Luther Head (6'3"), but Garcia has been torching opponents from beyond the arch this year. This will be a threat to Illinois’ smaller team if Louisville can keep them in a half court game. But this will hard to do, since Illinois is lightning fast and have played inspired ball for the entire year.

This is a toss up, what with Illinois' precision and Louisville's aggression, but I think Illinois will squeak by with a victory and a trip to the big dance by the score 67-64.

North Carolina vs. Michigan State

There is no question here that North Carolina will dominate this game. The Michigan State Spartans don’t have half the talent that the Tarheels have in their little toes. The Spartans are the true Cinderella’s of this year’s tournament. They were written off plenty of times, so it’s not as if they have no clue what it’s like being the underdog. Still, they haven’t faced a team as talented as North Carolina all year. I could hardly tell you who plays for them and I'm an NCAA expert. But I, and everybody with a passing knowledge of the tournament, knows who plays for the Tarheels.

Let’s start with Point Guard Ray Felton. Felton at 6'1" is one of the fastest guys in College Basketball. The only player that comes close is Illinois' Dee Brown. Felton can get up the court and score by his self, and he can drive and dish, and do so arguably better than any Point Guard in the league.

Next you have 6'9" Center Sean May, who is probably the best big man in the league. He can run the court with his smaller counterparts and has great hands for the offensive rebounds and does a better job of following his own missed shots than anybody in the NCAA.
The combination of these two players is enough, since they are both All Americans. Michigan State hasn’t had a stand out player since Mateen Cleaves in 2000.

In conclusion, this probably won’t be a blow out, but it won’t be close either.
North Carolina wins 71-61.

But good luck to all four of these teams as my friend might say to them it's still a game. So more luck as they continue their quests for the National Title and year of glory…and a bigger paycheck in the NBA for those Seniors.

THAT'S LYPHE: An Eagles Fan finally Puts the Super Bowl Behind Him

written by Khalid Washington

Ok, I've heard the from my friends and family, from co-workers and all my Dating Game victims:

What happened to the Eagles in the Super Bowl?

I think I'm finally past the crying stage, and even a few weeks passed whimpering and constant sighing. It's been two months now and I'm willing to put the Super Bowl behind me and move on. So, now I can publicly say that I'm very proud of what the Eagles did last season. They got over the NFC Championship "hump" on their fourth try in as many years and finally advanced to the Super Bowl.

A lot of people have made jokes about the Eagles, who by the way, I'm not afraid to admit it, are my favorite football team. I won't get into the little jabs and bigger jokes. It was worse when they fell short in the conference champs. The fact is that they are still at the head of the class of the NFC and will be just that again in this upcoming season. They have retained 90% of their free agents and the owner and GM do an excellent job handling the Salary Crap (please see Matt Lungariello’s previous post). So with that said, I think we can look forward to another year where the Philadelphia Eagles will be mentioned as one of the league's best. And who knows?: Maybe this coming year I will be able to celebrate their Super Bowl victory.

Until then, Eagles Nation…keeps hope alive.
Peace

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: NCAA Thoughts

written by Dan Dellicarpini

“Always put your money on the long shots,” someone once told me. It may have been this really drunk guy with vomit stains on his sports jacket who was standing next to me at a blackjack table on a lucky night in Atlantic City. Or maybe it was this bum selling opium that smelled like broccoli outside of the casino, I’m not quite sure. You see, I have a penchant for details – and a penchant for discarding them. I'm rather adept at getting rid of details. You'll notice right now I'm writing a basketball post here and after an entire paragraph, all we've been yapping about is my swiss cheesed memory.

Anyway, with the NCAA tournament almost over, it’s safe to say that many upsets occurred on college courts across the country, and a lot of hard earned money was handed over to seedy bookies in the back alleys of lower New Jersey.

Vermont ousting Syracuse from the tourney may well have been one of the best moments, mostly because I had picked Vermont to go all the way (right up there next to Fairleigh Dickenson and East Kentucky), but alas, fate has a cruel way of punishing everyone, and the Catamounts finished their season with Michigan State upping the hemp-clad University by eleven points. Se la vie. I was out $100, and Vermont, a state notorious for caring about sports as much as they do physical hygiene, was ecstatic that they dethroned a favorite to win the entire shebang. At least someone went home satisfied. So now, less than ten days later, I’m faced with somewhat of a predicament: is there a long shot to put my money on in the Final Four, or do I attempt to play it safe and put my money on Certain Victory (if such a thing even exists in college basketball)?

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 3/26/2005 - The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung, Jr.

BONDS MAY BE OUT FOR SEASON - In the most staged and overly melodramatic baseball moment since last year's bloody sock, a crutch-holding Barry blamed the media for finally breaking him down. So why can't we -with all the hassle we give her- get rid of J.Lo?

IVERSON FINED FOR SPAT WITH REF - Infamous ball hog (and also, incidentally, NBA's top scorer) Allan Iverson continued his lack of sportsmanship by trying to attack a referee. Guys like Iverson, Spre, and Artest should have collars and leashes as part of their required uniforms.

CAVS FIRE COACH PAUL SILAS - The Cavs, struggling since the All-Star game and threatening to drop out of playoff contention, fired Silas with the year almost over. This ought to fix the team up, who by the way have changed coaches about four times in the last five years. You know what they say, fifth time's the charm.

RED SOX PLAYERS FILM QUEER EYE EPISODE - An odd choice, since Boston seems to be on the cutting edge of fashion as it is. And those socks, I mean they're red after all. Now that's a bold fashion statement if I've ever seen one. The only advice the Fab Five had was to not wear the sock if it's bloody (see above Bonds comment).

HOPKINS/TAYLOR TO FIGHT IN JULY - Middleweight Champ Bernard Hopkins takes more than twice as big a purse home as his opponent Jermain Taylor. Which makes sense since Hopkins is over twice Taylor's age. At the press conference Hopkins plans to sit on a rocking chair and have Taylor sit on his lap.

L.A. LAKERS DROP 7TH IN A ROW - Somewhere Phil Jackson is smiling. Meanwhile, somewhere his secretary is taking a lot of phone messages with job offers... from LA, from Cleveland, from New York... just to name a few.

PACERS / PISTONS ROUND 2 - The Friday night game was delayed an hour and a half due to a bomb threat in the Pacers lockerroom. Luckily, the only thing that bombed was the Pistons defense.

MARCH MADNESS CONTINUES - Blablabla North Carolina will win... blablabla it's more exciting because it's unpredictable blablabla that's because they're amateurs blablabla I'd rather watch the World Series of Algebra.

BID FOR NYC WEST SIDE STADIUM UP TO $1 BILLION - The NFL has unanimously approved 2010's Super Bowl to be held in New York if the Jets can outbid the current high mark... For over $1 billion dollars, I say keep your Super Bowl, I'll just use the money to watch the Bowl in the luxury box of Giants Stadium in New Jersey. Round of beer on me, guys!

NHL DRAFT CANCELLED - Just another event in a long line of bickering between the league and the PA. No offense but I saw this coming. This draft had about as much chance to proceed as the Howie Mandell Show did.

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: King Kobe Finally Got His Wish

written by The Iron Lung We said it was the end of the dynasty and we were right; but no one could have foreseen the depths of mediocrity that this team would fall to. The dynasty has not just ended... it's come crashing down like a soda cup from the stands aimed at Ron Artest's head. The Lakers, the former team-to-beat in the NBA now finds itself contending with the Clippers just to stay on top as the #1 team in LA. Yes, the Clippers, the most famous punchline in hoops, are a legitimate threat to overtake the Lakers for third worst in their division. Where did it go wrong? Was it when the now-retired Rudy T, only a few weeks after a hugely publicized signing, quit as coach due to "health problems?" No, it wasn't. That might have been the "point of no return" in an already doomed season, but it certainly wasn't the cause. T-Bone was just jumping overboard on a sinking ship, one that's been sinking for some time. And who is that hole in the boat, a hole so big it would take Shaq to fill it? It's so obviously Kobe Bryant. And everyone knows it. Everyone has known it. But despite Kobe's having the Lakers administration in his pocket, even his biggest detractors, myself included, figured Kobe was enough of a super star to get the job done, if not on the level he could have with some of his old teammates and his super coach. We figured Kobe could at least compete in the league, even as a one-man team. Now, we've realized he can't. That's not to say Kobe hasn't been getting a job done, just not the job done, not the job that LA needs him to. All Kobe ever wanted to be was a superstar, THE superstar, THE undisputed face of the Lakers. He might finally have his wish. Take for example Tuesday night's loss to the equally "limping" Jazz, where Kobe scored 43-points, only to see his team lose. The pro-Bryant argument is that Kobe can't be a one-man team, but isn't that exactly what he's wanted? Current head coach Frank Hamblen was hired not because LA needed a coach, he was hired because LA needed a coach who wasn't going to be a volatile mix with Kobe. Kobe's supporters are using the argument that Hamblem needs to get Kobe's teammates like Lamar Odom (15.3 PPG) or Caron Butler (14.3 ppg) in the mix. It's a young team, they say, that needs to find it's groove, it's two highest calibre veterans, Vlade and Brian Grant hurt, it's up to the youngsters to get their groove and give their superstar Kobe some support. Guess what? Now Odom's day-to-day with a strained right shoulder, and even if he wasn't his job is nothing more than to play not-as-well as Kobe. Who does this leave as support? It can't be Chucky Atkins, who along with Bryant, Odom, and Butler, is the only other double digits points scorer on this year's team with 14 PPG. He is only Chucky Atkins after all and can't be expected to bear the type of weight in a game that the Lakers need. Chucky is no Shaq. With only Kobe to contend with, all the opponents' D has to do on any given game is hold back "King Bryant." Because there's no Plan B if Kobe is having an off night. Want evidence? Look at Thursday's game against the Nuggets. DerMarr Johnson basically owned Kobe, harassing the guy and limiting him to 18 points, and leaving Butler to have one of his better games in weeks with 22 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 steals. But how can Butler be truly effective when the bench is still calling to get the ball out to King Kobe even on a night when he went 5-13 for field goals and 0-4 from the line? They weren't calling plays to win, they were calling plays to get Kobe to win. It was a game handed to Denver. The Nuggets chewed up the Lakers, then spit them out for LA's 7th loss in as many games. It didn't need to be a loss, but that's what Kobe wanted. He wanted to be the whole team and now he is. Now he's even the whole team even some nights when he doesn't want to be. Think back to the L.A. @ N.Y. game February 28th. Kobe took a 3-pointer down in the final seconds of the game to tie it and send the game to overtime, after having bounced back from a 10-point deficit. The Lakers took the air out of MSG and for all intents and purposes, the Knicks handed the Lakers the game. It came down again to the last play in OT, when the ball again was put in - guess who? - Kobe's hands. Bryant passed out to Luke Walton under the net for Walton to try a tying shot. But Walton was a little crowded up and passed back to Kobe, who was not expecting the pass. Kobe fumbled the ball and couldn't get a shot out before the buzzer. The Knicks won... and Kobe, in typical Kobe fashion, spiked the ball in anger and cursed out Walton before heading to the lockerroom. What Kobe want Walton to do? This is Kobe's team, not Walton's. Kobe is always the one who is going to take the tying shot. Win or lose. Just like when King Bryant choked against former teammate Shaq and the Heat. In that much-hyped Christmas game on a buzzer 3-point attempt, all Kobe managed was to trim rim. It's all Bryant, win or lose. So Kobe can't blame Walton; he wanted this to be his team and now it is. As the saying goes "Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it." Bryant had been quick to take credit last season when Shaq left. He said he didn't need Shaq and said that he himself, not Shaq, not Jackson, deserved the King's share of the credit. Now this season, Kobe is singing a different tune. "I hope people judge me on my body of work... and not just this season," he said in a postgame interview last week. Why wouldn't I judge Kobe on this season? This is HIS year: the year he's wanted, where the team is his and his alone. This team is Kobe and everyone else is just Kobe's "support." "Support?" From a man who may have Magic Johnson and the rest of the Lakers front office wrapped around his finger, but who has basically exhausted any and all star power in favor of a court scandal or lockerroom shenangians? Support is impossible. The young players have made up the roster not because they offer support, but because they won't get in Kobe's hair as the superstar of the team. If there's a game to be won, it will be by Bryant. How can Odom and Butler prevail if it's always going to be Kobe taking the winning jump shot or playing the big d? The only hope for the up-and-comers is get under the radar. Because as soon as they become mentioned in the same sentence as Kobe, they might as well pack their bags. Kobe has pushed away any talent near him because maybe they were hogging the spotlight. Well, Kobe you've gotten the spotlight now. While Phil Jackson remains the most marketable coach in basketball, his feet up reclining somewhere in the Bahamas... While Shaq is playing to win in an MVP year with a teammate like Dwayne Wade who is good in all the right ways and a teammate and a good winner in a way like Kobe never will be... While Kobe gets his face on a box of Wheaties and a movie deal... Kobe sits as the superstar, the King of La, the only movie his name is involved in is a movie of the week about the rape accusations scandal. All hail Kobe: KING... of nothing.

BEYOND THE MATT: NYC West Side Stadium Both Good and Bad

written by Matt Lungariello

I ran a google search in order to do a little research and find out more about this complex matter of the West Side Stadium. I set out, as any PretentiousSports "journalist" would, to get right to the center the real, true issues at hand.

I spent half an hour reading a list of pros and cons from Masters students at a nearby University. At first, I thought I was wasting my time. I mean what kind of useful information can these hungover, stoned college kids give me? As it turned out, these kids were offering intelligent, well thought out explanations as to why they agreed with the idea or why they didn’t . I read on, taking notes which I recently starting doing. This is because since my most recent article “Salary Crap," yours truly, your friend and fearless leader was totally drunk and consumed with a healthy dose of “writer’s block.” But that's for another post.

These students were referring to particular ground sites as F11, Cyber-Café, LBJ, Flawn Center, Flawn Terrace. I sipped my beer in despair. These plans were further over my drunken head than I had previously suspected. I have lived in New York my entire life. I've been to the city more times than I can count. How is it, drunk, sober, or high as a kite that I have never heard of any of these places?

Well, the answer was simple enough: Because these students were from the University of Texas. That’s right, these debates weren't about the West Side Stadium at all, but about a project that would take place of the "West Side" of their campus. These Book geeks were talking about a student activity center and I didn't see it coming. And that gets to the real heart of the issue, which is "what the hell are the issues again?"

I moved onto other research. It's no secret the naysayers are getting a little more publicity than the yaysayers. Except who are these yaysayers, except some suit millionaires looking up to exploit some land? What are the pro's except higher revnue for the NFL and another piece of the Tagliabue redesign-the-entire-league's-stadiums mission? It's not clear what these pro's are actually. Just that if you're a Jets fan, and one who doesn't live in New York, then it is a nice thought to know you can see your Jets in a Jets stadium and not in your most hated enemies' (The Giants) territory. Or maybe it's just better to finally have your team be in New York (for those that don't know the Jets and Giants play their home games in New Jersey). Really, other than that what is the true heart of the pro's? Some electrical contracts for NYC policticans friends maybe? Or Tagliabue promising the coveted Super Bowl in 2010? We've heard the arguments not just here, but in San Diego, Cleveland, and countless other cities in the Tagliabue era: "More jobs, more tourism, more revenue." We've also never seen anything that showed us that it did make the city richer... just a few people who own property in the city. So what are the tangibles in favor of this project? There remains no real answer except the rehearsed Taglia-B.S. that we've been getting since last century.

It's easy to find people who are opposed to the idea. Almost any NYC resident: Jets fans included ("I love my Big Green Machine, but I love lower taxes more."). Giants fans too ("get them bums outta my town"), and everyone who faces a regular commute in and out of the city ("build the stadium out in Flushing Meadow... there's plenty of worthless land there").

This is tangible, real people reasoning. "Where we gonna park our cars?" Part of the Football game experience includes heading out to the stadium early for a little tailgating, a sandwich, some liquor maybe, and certainly a few laughs. That's not possible in a city where no one drives because they can't park as it is. Just add 70 thousand more people to the mix. They aren't going to all take the train, that's for sure. And even if they did, we'd need better trains and again more tax money for the Tagliabue dream. If people are to be parked aproximately 55 blocks away from the friends they share season tickets with, would tailgating go the way of the dinosaur? And it's the taxpayers that pay. They always pay. Not just in the NFL, in every stadium that's ever been built in the modern era. How would that make you feel if you don’t like Football? Or even better, if you don’t like the Jets? You’re paying for it! I wouldn't be very pleased if a 70 seater ballet arena opened on the West Side, so let's be fair. Sports is private enterprise. And those are the people calling the shots on the pro side of the argument. Only these private businessmen... and Joe Namath, who is probably more drunk than I was researching this post.

They are blindpromising the 2012 Olympic games if we build a stadium and capable facility right now. And Tagliabue and his NFL staff have announced that if NY builds the new stadium, the 2010 Super Bowl will be held there. Thanks! That really will boost the New York economy. But for who again? A bunch of suits, who make millions anyway. A bunch of contractors who get the jobs anyway. Meanwhile, the lower class, the people who would be unemployed, still will be unemployed... Especially when these major construction contracting jobs get sold off to out of state companies and bring in union workers from all over the East Coast metropolis, from New York to Virginia. Olympics and stadium building has never been able to be make exclusive contracts to companies from the city of the site location. The argument goes "Give that money to the schools and build jobs there." The jobs that are coming out of a West Side stadium benefit some, but not the common man. So again, what are the pro's? This entire thing seems to be about everything you can think of besides the New York Jets. As if the owner cares more about a new stadium than he does winning a championship. In case you havent noticed, Herm Edwards is still the incapable coach and you just a friendly reminder Lamont Jordon and John Abraham walked.

And who cares if the Olympics are in my home state: I still won't go or watch. Does anyone want the Olympics in NYC? No one that ever visits or travels there, I can tell you that. Just ask Greece how profitable it was for their country.

Why wasn’t this entire thing setup to allow the city council to have a vote? Where are all the requests for proposals to determine the best development opportunity for the site and the highest possible return? Where is the city’s share coming from, and why wont this allocation of funds go through the “normal” capital review process? These are the questions that you hear from a NYC resident that isnt throwing the idea into the toilet, they are just asking for a little bit of that Democracy the country is supposed to be all about.

I am not anti-Stadium, I am just asking for clarification. Give me some pro's. I beg of you. There are comments below and just tell me, pro-Stadium people what are the tangible reasons to build the stadium in Manhattan? Right now, it seems to this author that the arguments for pro's and even some of the con's, coming from MSG owners Cablevision, are arguments between a bunch of suits, both sides with points that end in dollar signs. And the truth is these are arguments that are going to go unanswered for you and me. And like all of the other polictical agendas set forth by the Tagliabue era, all we can do is sit back and watch. But at least until our taxes go up, we won't have to pay NFL ticket prices, or hop on a three-year waiting list for tickets.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Pat's vs. Gino's... or Pat vs. Geno

written by Cousin Paulie
While watching the NCAA tournament highlights and realizing that I am out of contention in my pool I started to do what everyone in CT does, and I mean everyone, and that's switch on Woman's Basketball. This in turn made me hungry which often happens when watching basketball I find (especially women's). And when I think of food I think of Philly. I used to live in the City of Brotherly Love, which, in case you didn't know is best known for it's cheesesteak sandwiches.

I have never eaten a Philly Cheesesteak in my life, but after living in the area for four years it's hard not to notice that in Philly there are two things sacred: Rocky and cheesesteaks. Maybe the two best places, or ONLY two places that you can go for these "steaks" is Pat's or Gino's.

Although I have never had a cheesesteak, I am pretty sure that Philadelphia Native Geno Auriemma has. This got methinking yet again: Some people, especially in CT would argue that you have really only two choices for the best coach of all time. Once again, Pat or Geno! Now for everyone who does not live in CT or TN, that would be Pat Summit (VOLS) or Geno Auriemma (HUSKIES). Now, I know they are women's coaches, which is the equivalent to some as being "not on the same level as men's basketball." But hold it right there!

This is college. Keep in mind, whether you think Women's Basketball is on the level of competition as Men's or not, you need to understand that with college basketball, the cream of the team is renewed every four years. This means that a coach who consistently wins does so with new players every year (and yes, recruiters are very important as well but giving you a hammer chisel and two tons of marble doesn't mean you can sculpt a statue). If you have ever seen Girls' ball, and if you're from CT than you most definitely have, then you know these two teams… Tennessee and Uconn. And just like the argument for cheesesteaks, comes the argument who is the better ooach. Let's take a look -

Geno Auriemma: Naismith National Coach of the year four times, Associated Press Coach of the Year four times, Women's Basketball coach of the year three times and Big East Coach of the Year five times. Over nineteen years Geno is SOLID at 532-103. Do you know what that means? Homeboy ranks first among all time active Division 1 Coaches. Add to this that the UCONN Women won 69 Straight home games… Let me say that again: 69 IN A ROW! Add to this Uconn's FLAWLESS graduation record. Auriemma is also very close friends with SJU's Phil Martelli, which is the ultimate in hanging out with an ugly guy to make yourself look good.

Pat Summit: Over the last 31 years this Woman (or reasonable facsimile thereof) has gone 880-171. She has SIX NCAA titles, and - Guess what? Every year that Geno did not win that coach of the year title, it went to Pat. As a player she won a silver at the Olympics in 76, and a few years later coached the USA to the first women's Gold medal ever. Not too shabby from a woman who looks like Dorothy from the Golden Girls with a bad hair dye job.

Winning percentages : Auriemma .838 Summit .837… Name one coach who is still legit that can match these percentages. The truth is that you can't do it.

I could bore you with facts about their lives and things like that, but who cares? That would be about as much fun as "The Boz:Autobiography of Brian Bosworth.

The bottom line is that I don't care if you coach Dames, Broads, Legs, Chicks, Chops, Babes, Hoes, or Dudes… Even fleas. The argument of weak competition doesn't apply just because you aren't watching. These two are 99% Amazing.

What does this have to do with CheeseSteaks? Absolutely nothing. Like I said, I have never even eaten those philthy things (get itPHilthy... ahem....). All I can say is honestly, who cares about Pitino, Calhoun, and all of those other clowns? They don't hold a candle to these two. You can argue both sides, but like the cheesesteaks, in the end they are both delicious (or so I've heard). Now they go girl!

Just like Pat's Vs. Gino's in the steak race.

Winners
STEAKS : Pat's Vs. Gino's WINNER: Larry's Steaks by St. Joseph's
Women's Basketball : Pat Vs. Geno WINNER: Larry Barcello from Waterbury

YET ANOTHER BLACK EYE FOR BOXING AND ROCKY BALBOA

written by Marco Tavares, member Disassociated Press

Arizona (AP)- In what appears to be another case of fact being stranger than fiction, recently unclassified FBI reports have unearthed a conspiracy involving Mike Tyson and film production company United Artists to fake Mr. Tyson's bankruptcy. United Artists came to agreement with Tyson when they were unable to sell syndication rights to the film "Rocky 5" which depicted fictional Rocky Balboa, former heavyweight champ returned to dire straights in his Phillie hometown. Now, the scandal may send a "knockout blow" to both the studio and boxing in general.

Mike Tyson, once the most feared man in the world and self-proclaimed "baddest man on the planet," has amassed over $300 million in purses throughout a turbulent career and was believed to owe $38 million to various creditors, including the Internal Revenue Service and ex-wife Monica Turner.

According to previous reports, Tyson was penniless and was quoted earlier last year as saying: "For two years I have been a bum, truly a bum in the streets. I've got nowhere to live. I've been crashing with friends, literally sleeping in shelters."

According to recently unclassified FBI documents from 1998, the President of United Artists, Lawrence Wilcox, met with Mike Tyson and his business associates in a gentleman's club in Atlanta, Georgia. What was allegedly discussed was compensation (believed to be cash and a cameo role as Adrian's ex-boyfriend in"Rocky 6") to Mr. Tyson in order for him to hide his assets and claim bankruptcy. Mr. Wilcox was allegedly under the belief that every time television networks TNT or TBS, among many others, broadcasted "Rocky" marathons,t hey would always omit the final "epic " of the series, Rocky V, due to being too"unrealistic".

Mr. Wilcox conspired with Mike Tyson to declare bankruptcy,which in turn would make the plot of Rocky V. In the film, Rocky signs over Power of Attorney to his low-life, alcoholic, leaching, Brother-in-Law, "Uncle"Pauly, who in turn loses the entire Rocky Balboa fortune within a course of a month, while Rocky was away in Russia to fight Ivan Drago. The plot, initially considered far-fetched, seems to be much more realistic and marketable after the Tyson scandal. (Despite the explanation of this particular reality problem, another goes unsolved: the FBI documents provide no info as to how Rocky Jr. went from 6 years old to 14 years old from the end of the Drago Fight in "Rocky IV" to the time where Rocky landed back in the U.S. in "Rocky V." Rocky's eye wasnt even healed up yet and the kid aged 10 yrs. But, I digress...)

FBI agents in Scottsdale announced their findings shortly after they seized records from Commercial Federal Bank regarding Mike Tyson's numerous accounts and noticed awkward activity. There have been tens of thousands of moneys wires that have been sent to Off-Shore Accounts in the Cayman Islands. Some of the name on these accounts, such as "Spider Rico," "Union Kane," "George Washington Duke," "Al Savani," and "Home Team, Inc.," have been assumed to be of dubious ownership, most likely dummy accounts for this mind-boggling scheme.

Attempts were made to contact Arizona FBI lead investigator Nick Bachetti, but he declined to comment. Unnamed sources in the FBI department have told the Disassociated Press that "This is the most ridiculous scheme that we have ever seen, or at least since the X-Files finale. We will uncover every stone until the truth is told. But on the bright side, at least now when TNT has their weekly Rocky marathon, all five movies will be shown, like it should be."

THE DATING GAME: Opening Day in San Diego

written by Khalid Washington

I wasn't even out of San Diego and the season had already begun. And as I walked out of a bar in San Diego, a potential hot night cap lying ahead, I winked at my opponent... An NFL running back.... And I smiled. It's gonna be tough to top opening day.

I went to San Diego just to get warm. I left the prospects Practice and Grapefruit back in New York. My big plans for the season are to get them to sign a contract where the three of us could engage in a Triple Play. Ok, I'm out of sports metaphors again.

The Opening Day prize that I'd engage in competition over was a delicious morsel we'll call Nestle. Because she was dark skinned, lovely, and made you want to unwrap the tin foil softly then jump up on her and crunch up every piece of her like a Nestle crunch bar.

Scouting Report:
Height: 5 foot 6 inches
Weight: 125-130 lbs.
Hair: Black, Shoulder length
Skin Color: Brown
Vital Statistic: *Wild Halagunga (for those who ain't in the know, she had a nice tail)

(*Keep these asterisk terms in mind for the quiz at the end of the season)

I was just ready to party one last night in Cali before heading back to New York. As far as I was concerned it was a rest day for when I had to pitch the big game back in New York. I spotted Nestle and she spotted me, and it was like the whole place disappeared. And it just wasn't cause my friend I was with had bad gas...

I started dreaming that scene in Naked Gun: "She had the kind of legs you could suck on for a day."

I had to meet her and so I went to her and introduced myself as the Dating Game guy and she replied, "Oh! Practice told me about you! How would you like to leave with me right now?"

Anyway, Nestle and myself sat on a couch in a very exquisite club in the San Diego area. The DJ was doing his thing and the dance floor was packed. That's where she wanted to be. And that's where we went first. Forty-five sweaty and spasm filled minutes later (I'm not the Pro Electric Slide dancer I used to be) I decided to ask her if she wanted a drink. After my fourth Tequila Sunrise and her third Cosmopolitan, we were deep into a great conversation. I asked her the typical questions that a pro dater would ask:

Me: Are you in a serious relationship or dating?
DL: I'm single and I don't date that much.
Me: Surprising that a beautiful girl like you doesn't get asked out a lot more.
DL: I get asked out a lot, but I decline a lot. I actually got asked out by a football player yesterday.
Me: Really? Which one?
DL: Some guy that used to play for the Denver Broncos. I think his name is Terrell Davis.

Incredible!!! I mean, Terrell Davis?
Here are some of his stats:
-Led the NFL in rushing and TD's in 1998 (2008 yards and 21 TD's)
-Led the NFL in receiving TD's by a running back in 1998
-2 time Super Bowl winning running back
-over 1,000 yards rushing in only 8 playoff games (he had 157 yards and 3 TD's in his 1st Super Bowl vs. Atlanta Falcons)
-Top 50 in rushes, yards, and TD's all time in the NFL
-3 Time Pro Bowler

More important than all of that he is probably 40 lbs heavier than me (all muscle) and his pockets got me beat by more than a lot. I mean much more than a lot. He's like Bill Gates compared to my salary. And she shut him down? Oh well, he must have been a jerk to her. But who cares about all of that? The girl he wanted is with me right now. And since she was it my time to strike:

Me: I want to be completely honest with you.
DL: I wouldn't want anything else from you (smile and wink, inside I'm gagging)
Me: Well it's my last night in California. I'm going back home to New York ("for the 2nd season of dating", I thought to myself). What I'm trying to say is right now it's the fourth quarter and there's 2 minutes left. I'm down by 6 points and I need to, umm, "score." So I was wondering if I could leave my friends behind and stay with you tonight. They're cute and all, but I would much rather be with you right now.

The desperation in my voice was like white on rice. I never thought to myself that it would work but why not? I figured three Cosmopolitans would dull her senses.

DL: (now laughing) Umm. Why not?

SUCCESS! I did it! And I couldn't believe it something that stupid actually worked. But hey I was never one to question my God-given dating talent. I downed my drink and we then proceeded to the door. And just as we were trying to figure out where the closest "Playing Field" (I hope I don't have to explain) was, he walked in. The two-time Super Bowl Champ, the league leader in rushing 1998, the man himself, Mr. Terrell Davis.

His calm demeanor was almost frightening. Well, to me it was. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "This man is going to pull punt my head into the parking lot." Oh, wait he was a running back, he can't kick. Maybe I was safe.

He noticed Nestle right away, and I could tell he was looking to crunch. He smiled and approached her. I didn't know what to say or do, so reacting with the cleverest line I could muster up I said, "Isn't that Terrell Davis?"

That's when he paused and stared. At me. My stomach turned over, as if I ate just a little too many Nestle candy bars for my own good.

He looked me up and down then fixed his eyes on mine. Then out of nowhere he smiled and nodded his head at me as to say, "What's up?" I fixed my face now that I wasn't afraid of getting it rearranged by a pro football player.

I responded with my own nod as to say, "Yeah...I got this." Nestle and myself then proceeded to the playing field to "finish the game we started."

Entrance to Club Silk: $15.00
4 Tequila Sunrises and 3 Cosmopolitans: $60.00
Admission to the Playing Field: $110.00
Knowing you got a girl that a former professional football player couldn't get: Priceless

That was my opening day. Full of chocolate and pro football players. And so what if I never won a Super Bowl. For that day alone, in the Dating Game, I was as much of a superstar as advertised. And now the season is in full swing... Next stop Triple Play.

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Gambling... The Best Sport of them All

written by Dan Dellicarpini

I gamble.

I gamble a lot.

But here's the thing: I'm not your conventional gambler. While the average sports bettor will bet for or against a spread, or just on the final outcome, I like to keep things interesting while watching a game. Who will make the next three-pointer, next fumble, or the next two-run home run? Betting tidy sums of money on an ordinary sporting event will suddenly transform it into a brutal match of extraordinary proportions. Suddenly, the mid-season game that no one wants to watch because Will and Grace reruns seem better now becomes a playoff game.

Sweat starts pouring from your brow. Your knuckles turn white knowing you just put up two large on a bet that some white guy will dunk the ball next. Money makes sports (as well as sex) more exciting. Knowing that you (and possibly players of the team you're rooting for) have wagered large sums of cash on obscene and tiny outcomes makes life a little bit more worthwhile.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Nothing Classic About Classic Sports

written by Cousin Paulie
There's nothing worse than seeing a repeat of your favorite show.

So now imagine how angry I was on Wednesday night to find a repeat of Smallville on the WB. I was all geared up in my Clark Kent pajamas and eating popcorn dyed green with food coloring. The green wasn't for St. Patty's Day, it was because I always eat "kryptonite popcorn" on Wednesday. Seeing the repeat of the Smallville episode, I almost chocked on a dyed green kernel. My mind drifted in thought of other "repeats" I wouldn't want to see. And most of them are on ESPN Classics.

Imagine a Yankees fan doomed to watch repeats of the Red Sox/Yankees ALCS from 2004 once a week. Or a Philly fan flipping on the Sunday game, only to end up watching the Eagles lose the Super Bowl over and over again. Only my Dad watches games taped five years ago. And that's only because he has a weak heart and can't take the excitement of a live game. He wants to know what happens so there's never any surprises. That's my Dad and that's why he's nuts... but the rest of us humans would have to say that's a pretty boring way to live.

Even if your team wins a "Classic" game, and wins in a dramatic fashion, you've lost the buildup of drama knowing the way it will be won. Maybe I'm just not an avid enough sportswatcher, but I'd be too much a of an atypical New York Yankees fan if I expected my team to win every game (and by the way, Yanks fans, you now could watch your team win every episode of Yankees Classics on the Yes Network in the New York region).

A game for the non-Yankees world is made to watch for the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen next. It's very much like an episode of Smallville: you want to see it all go down now and right now, and not see it go down in an episode from three years ago.

For example, I watched Smallville on Wednesday night knowing full well that Clark will not go to Metropolis to play football, but for some reason, last Wednesday night I had to watch an episode where he is being scouted. Why? His character is past this plot point. And now it's like an extended "Instant Replay"... one really long instant replay. On that same note, I could have been watching the 2001 World Series Game 7, knowing full well the D-Backs would pull off a last minute victory. This just does not do it for me. Again, it is a really long instant replay.

It's bad enough I have to watch card playing on ESPN, and I definitely don't need to see the NCAA final four from eighty-deuce too.

Take for example Lex Luther and his quest for the lost stones. Will he find them? Who knows? What happens if he does? Who knows? ButI will tell you what, I would much rather find out what happens there than watch the Knicks loose to the Pacers again and again.

Does anyone want to watch your videos of you scuba diving on vacation? NO. But tell the story and for some reason people will listen. What the hell does that have to do with anything, you ask? I have no clue. All I am saying is that Classic Sports get on my nerves. Maybe it's just because I am pissed there is no new Smallville this week. Or maybe Classic Sports is kryptonite to the real sports enthusiast.

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: A Late Black History Month Lament

written by the Iron Lung

RE: Another Successful Black History Month February 2005

Dear White-bred-American-powers-that-be:

Thanks so much for giving us a whole month to celebrate Black history! That's really so kind of you! No, really I'm not being sarcastic or anything, giving us one whole month to celebrate our history is so noble and kind of you! On second thought, February isn't even "one whole month" because it's only 28 days, but whatever, we appreciate the month anyway. We know there is barely any room for all the great Black men and women in history since there's so many White-skinned Anglo Saxon ones. Even sparing us a 28-day month is so nice of you. Thanks! I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky.

Once I thought that designating a Black History Month is actually quaint and condescending, kind of like giving the Black population of America a kid's table at a family holiday. But, man-oh-man after I saw your "Happy Black History Month" public service commercials this year I realized that you weren't condescending Black-skinned people in this country, you were actually throwing us a bone. If you didn't, in all your Whiteness and wisdom, designate an almost-whole month to us, our Black heritage might be lost. But now we have our very own history: "Black History." And this is just as good as White history... well, not really as good, because we only get one month, but almost as good. We know that White figures in history like Bill Shakespeare and Albert Einstein need the other eleven months and they obviously take precedence over our heroes. Actually, now that I think of it, White History even needs to borrow two days out of our month for White President's Day (there aren't any Black ones if you haven't noticed) and let's not forget St. Valentine's Day (I've never seen a Black Cupid before). But that's ok, take the days. Those other 26 days in the month are plenty, we're so thankful that you have acknowledged our history. You really are so noble.

And also thanks to the exclusively White-owned and almost-exclusively White-coached MLB for taking this month to recognize the hordes of baseball talent that passed through the various Negro leagues. That's not patronizing either. No, really it isn't! It was so nice of all the White rich guys who run the league to retire Jackie Robinson's jersey number league-wide a few years back. All of us love Jackie for putting up with everything that he did and blazing the path for Blacks to play in the White leagues. And we're sure that's why you love Jackie too, right? It's not because Jackie was the beginning of the end of the "Negro Leagues" which had thrived for decades with Black players, Black coaches, Black management only to be absorbed and dissolved in favor of the White standard. And you definitely don't love Jackie because all of the persecution he put up with encouraged others to come to your league so that the White owners could exploit the Black baseball-playing population for everything it's worth. No, you love Jackie because he "broke the color barrier" and when we say color barrier, we don't mean he "broke the barrier for White leagues to make money off Black players and Black fans." I think it was much better for equality to take the black players into MLB, but leave the Black teams out.

Sincerely,
Black America

* - Note: I am not a black guy, but I know a scam when I see one. I'm not saying that Blacks should boycott Black History month, but I'm saying we'll never get anywhere with equality if we need to have Black America pacified to celebrate their heritage ONE MONTH out of the year. Bring that month and make it every day, whether you're black, white, red, yellow, purple, or blue.

And now that I've said that: VOTE IRON LUNG 2008!

THE DATING GAME: Spring Training's Got Khalid Springing into Action

written by Khalid Washington

SAN DIEGO, CA
The last few blogless months have been like the Yankees' offseason. I been sitting, moping around, wondering how my Dating Game career collapsed and when and how I could get back out there are start swinging again. It's not that my Dating Game playing collapsed at the end of last year, as much as I just hopped into the witness protection program. I'm serious too. And why, you ask? Let's put it this way:

NEW DATING GAME RULE
Never send a link to your blog to the girls you are writing about. Apparently when I called that one girl a "buddaface" last year, she didn't find it as funny as I did. There was no doubt about it, I was losing my touch. For a while I was even thinking of getting serious with grown and sexy... But those are thoughts for winter, thoughts for the Dating Game offseason. All I needed was to get out here to San Diego and start hitting off the tee again and hitting on the manequins we have here for Dating practice. Yep, it was a long and sad winter...

But now Pretentious Sports is back and so am I, out in the Dating Game Spring Training grounds in Cali, getting ready to head back to New York next week for the "regular season."

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
Yes, I consider myself an author. So what? It's my blog and if you don't like it, then you could post a comment about how I'm not a real author. I won't argue. I'm a fighter not a lover. Which brings me back to the task at hand, which is a note from the author (that's me) about the dating game...

I've have decided to make a few changes to this column. I got bored with reading about myself every week, so I thought it would be nice if we could get some other participants to the site every now and then, try to sort out the stories of the other playas... that is, players in the Dating Game nationwide. I spoke with my editor/boss/brain child (* he forgot to say "genius" and "sex symbol" - ed.) of this wonderful site and we both agreed that there can’t be a 2005 Dating Game MVP without competition. So the door's open. If anybody has a story new or hey even an old they would like to share, please send them to this website or to my personal email KHWash@verizon.net. If I mention your story, you'll remain anonymous so don’t worry about anyone knowing who you are you or who you're talking about. As I said before I learned my lesson. But anyway, drop me a line... who knows? You might end up in my year end Dating Game Hall of Fame.

And now, since we, blogger and reader, are all caught up together like one big happy "Dating" family... wait that sounded like we're a family who date each other... let's call us a happy "Dating" community - Let's get to the Dating!

WARMING UP IN SPRING TRAINING
It was only a warmup with girl #1 in Spring Training. We'll call her "Practice" (remember names are changed to protect the innocent). She was really digging me.

Scouting Report
Name: Practice
Height: 5'6"
Brunette hazel eyes, 145 lbs and all of them satisfying kind of like a bowl of chili.

She was like a bowl of chili alright. Unfortunately, she came without the tobasco, because she wasn't very hot. But, come on man, it was Spring Training and I needed to prepare for the Dating Game season didn't I? So I hooked up with her.

Then things got interesting. The same night I closed the deal with Practice, Practice's friend showed up at the party we were having. This was unexpected, I mean it's Spring Training. And the friend had her act together. I'm talking click-pop-BAM! In MLB the two Spring Training leagues are Grapefruit and Cactus. We'll call friend Grapefruit. Because she had a giant grapefruit league in her shirt...

Scouting Report
Name: Grapefruit
She's a little shorter than Practice
But she's packing twins like Mini Me and his brother were hiding from Austin Powers. And I did a little rubbing of the hands friction "Yeah Baby" gesture when I made eye contact.

Anyway, she got to meet me (lucky her). We chilled out with me, have a cool Courvoisere on ice (actually I had a Colt 45, but I was just trying to keep it real). I wanted to go home with Grapefruit that night, but I ended up spending the night with Practice again. I calmed myself down though, saying "Don't worry, Khalid... it's just Spring Training."

Little did I know that the next day, I would get an e-mail from Grapefruit herself. And who gave her my e-mail addy? Practice! But, that's a whole other story. Because once I got the e-mail from Grapefruit and cut out the middle girl, I knew training was over and it was time for the real thing. Let the season begin... PLAY BALL KID!

New Rule #2: Never give your hot friends Khalid's e-mail address... even when it's supposed to be Spring Training.

SIGNING OFF
So I will let you know what happens with Grapefruit on Opening Day next week. Until then keep it pretentious and remember, nothing sells like sex.

Peace.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL 3/15/2005: "The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports"

What the Pretentious Sports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

PRETENTIOUSSPORTS".COM" RETURNS - So I guess this means not a lot of sports talk, just a lot of talk about girls Khalid is trying to get with.

MARCH MADNESS - The real madness of it is how much attention people give to amateurs while the NBA season is still going strong.

CANSECO'S BOOK CAUSES A STEROID STIR - The shocking part wasn't the steroid revelations, it was that Canseco could actually write a full book (and there's not even that many pictures in it).

CONGRESS STEROID INVESTIGATION - OK, let me make sure I understand: MLB's steroid scandal necessitates an indepth multi-year Congressional investigation... But Whitewater, the 2000 fixed election, and the Weapons of Mass Destruction fiasco don't?

SEVERAL MLB PLAYERS SERVED WITH CONGRESSIONAL SUBPOENAS - I think it would have kept with the theme at hand if Congress served the subpoenas through a syringe. Maybe that's just me.

JOHN CHANEY IS BACK - He'll coach temple in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Chaney has been sitting due to a scandalous order he gave his players to "make hard fouls," which resulted in a broken arm for a player on an opposing team. Too bad he didn't say "let's mop the floor with these guys"... I would've liked to have seen that.

NO NHL SEASON - Right now I can get away with telling my buddies I "have" to watch the OC every week because there's nothing else on TV. If the NHL comes back with another season next year, I'll have to come up with a different excuse.

HEAT WIN 9TH IN A ROW - Wasn't Dwayne Wade the name of the guy with the flip glasses from "The Cosby Show" spinoff "A Diff'rent World?" And wasn't Shaq a character from "Fat Albert?" Something tells me Bill Cosby has more to do with this win streak than he's letting on...

MNF "DESPERATE" TO AD NOT INDECENT - A five-member FCC panel concluded that the TV spot wasn't "indecent." The commision released a statement that said "Although the scene is apparently intended to be titilating, it simply is not graphic or explicit enough to be indecent by our standard." You can almost hear the disappointment in the commision's voice. Cheer up guys, you'll bounce right back and find someone to lynch for indecency real soon.

NBA'S ATLANTIC DIVISION - The first place Celtics are the only team that even breaks .500. And they'd be in third place at best in any other division. The division is the best argument to watch arena football this side of the XFL.

BEYOND THE MATT: "Salary Crap"

written by Matt Lungariello

The New England Patroits won their third championship in four years. And we're supposed to be amazed that they accomplished this in a league that is restricted by a salary cap. So am I amazed? Not exactly. What is really amazing is that the arguments for a cap are getting as transparent as the mysterious cream in Jason Giambi's workout bag. The "Salary Cap" era hasn't made anything in the major sports more competitive except maybe a league minimum in the collective bargaining agreement.

THE NFL CAP:
This year, the Pats, one of two unargued "dynasties" in current sports, beat the Los Angeles Eagles of Philadelphia (Wait, that’s not their name yet, but check back in two weeks and maybe it will be). The Eagles, by the way, have been to the championship game four years in a row. Three Pats titles, and four Eagles attempts at Conference Championships show that in the NFL, the same teams are fighting over the Lombardi year in and year out. It's not a coincidence that the two teams in this past Super Bowl are the two teams with the most amount of wins over the last four years. Furthermore, this year’s other playoff teams aside from the Pats and Eagles (the Jets, Rams, Steelers, and Packers) have all had regular appearances in the playoffs recently.

THE NBA CAP:
The NBA is also restricted by a salary cap. Since 1998, a whopping three different teams have won championships. The Spurs have won twice, the LA Lakers three times, and the Pistons won last year. Further back before 98, the Bulls won three times, and the five years before that the Rockets won twice... and before that the Bulls won another three times. Thank goodness for the salary cap or else we may have had lopsided competition.

THE NHL CAP:
More of the same. Since 1995, the Devils have won three times. The Red Wings also won three times. The Avalanche won twice, and the Stars and the Lightning each won one Cup apiece. The teams that were the losers in the cup finals are, as expected, the usual suspects.

THE UNCOUTH UN-CAPPED MLB:
Since the salary cap has proven so effective in the other three major sports, baseball has been lacking in recent years because of their imperial monetary forces that unfairly put the teams above the rest of the league... right? Wrong.

The theory is that in Baseball, the same teams always lead the pack. The Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers, Mets, and any other big market team that you think of just has deeper pockets and therefore my trophy shelf space. Right? Wrong.

What people who talk about the necessity of a cap in baseball are really looking for is a “Yankee Cap.” They don't need a full cap, just one that restricts the amount of money the Yankees are able to spend. It's true, the Yankees salary budget has passed the "Out of Hand" exit on the payroll highway about ten exits ago. But, don't forget the Red Sox, who had the nation cheering for them, weren't exactly David to New York's Goliath. If a Yankee Cap is to be discussed, we must first hop on the back of the Red Sox bandwagon and see the rivalry for what it is: equal overspending making for some great baseball.

THOSE RED SOX MUST BE KNIT OUT OF ITALIAN SILK:
Fact is that the 2004 World Champion Red Sox had the highest payroll of any championship team in any sport. The anti-Yankees regime (large as they are) say that the Sox didn’t buy that title, they were just trying to compete with the Yankees. Oh really?

The only home grown players on the Sox were Nomar and Trot Nixon. Nomar was traded and was possibly the biggest reason the Sox went on to win it all. So Trot was the only home grown player on the team in the end. That means that everyone else were "bought" or "hired guns." The Yankees who “bought” all their championships had Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettitte, Mariano Rivera, and the duo of Ricky Ledee and Shane Spencer who were all brought through the system. The logic that supports so-called Red Sox Nation says that the Yankees “bought” their titles and the Red Sox earned theirs. This is garbage. The Yankees are forced to share revenues with all the other teams including the high-priced Red Sox, and the Yanks' payroll is taxed based on the amount of money they spend each year.

Perhaps the biggest defense for Yankees spending, and the one argument that will shut up any "our team doesn't have money like the Yankees" comment is what happens with the fees the Yanks are paying. t should be noted that there is no rule that forces the teams on the receiving end of this so called “revenue sharing” to actually use the money to improve their teams. Lets just say that George took the other owners out to lunch to a very expensive place 365 times last year. So right away, let's get the "Yankees Cap" out of the way and move on to MLB generally.

UNSCREW THE MLB NON-CAP SYSTEM:
Since 2000, the World Series winners are the Red Sox, Marlins, Angels, Diamondbacks, and the Yankees. That is five different winners in five different years. Now that is a true competitive balance. These are both big and small market teams.

MEMBERSHIP TO RED SOX NATION DON'T COME CHEAP:
The salary cap petition posterboy Yankees' payroll only sky-rocketed after all their championships in the late 1990s. And if the Red Sox offseason taught us anything, it’s that once a team goes all the way, the players' pricetags go up. For instance, Derek Lowe’s value went up after his amazing preformance in the playoffs, despite a mediocre (at best) season. Pedro’s price tag stayed up, Jason Varitek’s grew, and even Cabrera’s started looking like Donald Trump's wig bill. If the Sox tried to keep all of their championship players, their payroll would be up near where the Yankee’s stands right now. That shows the obvious, that it costs a lot of money to keep winning players around. The teams have two choices, either you can give the players outrageous contracts that they probably don’t deserve, or you can let them walk. In the Yankee’s case, they tried to keep them all around, and in the Sox case, they let a few walk.

The point is that the salary cap is not what won the Yankees the championships in the late 90's, the cap has not shown to put the Yankees in any unattainable league out of reach to their league mates, and it has not proven that the Yankees have the ability to "steal" more talent away from their competitors, only that the Yankees tried to stick with their winning formula. The Yankees have done nothing but prove that a salary cap is unnecessary.

YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT HOW DO YOU FIX THE BALANCE WITHOUT A CAP?
If they want to fix the competitive balance problem in Basball, the answer is simple: Like in every other sport, allow teams the right to trade their draft picks. It's a common practice in all sports. In the NFL, the Chargers traded the number one overall pick to the Giants and were a playoff factor the following year.

There's a rule restricting teams from trading their draft picks in Baseball, so if a team team doesn’t think that they have enough money in their budget to sign the best player in the draft, then they have no real option but to pass on him. Basically, it would be a bad team investing millions that they don’t have on a player that make never play for them. We all know that prospects are suspects until proven overwise. It's not like other sports that a player can be picked first overall and come in to help the team immediately (Lebron, Rothlisberger). Sometimes it can take years of development They don’t get a top notch player, which they could’ve traded, and in turn don’t get any better. Dumb rule if you ask me or any of the other major sports. The rich get richer. The best player in last year’s draft was picked 13th overall by the now-wealthy Angels. Twelve teams thought that they didn’t have enough money to sign him, so they passed. The team with the most money and the highest pick got him. How can the bad teams get better when they were the worst team, get the number one pick, and cant even pick the best player? If my rules were practiced, they still wouldn’t be able to sign him, but they would be able to trade him to a team that can put that amount of money into the minor leagues and wait it out. If the Devil Rays(who had the first pick) were able to pick the best player, they may have been able to get involved in the two trades that sent Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder packing. Don’t you think that the Devils would be a different team next year with one of those pitchers on their squads?

If it didn’t help them and they’re doomed to another season in the cellar, they would have the number one overall pick again, and may be able to get another front line starter or a power bat. Now, they are a contender. Imagine that promising young group of hitters two years older with Tim Hudson and Rch Harden (who is due to leave Oakland once he gets his contract) anchoring the staff. That is a quality team. After all, the 2001 Diamondbacks won the title with two picthers and a sack of tomatoes as their rotation. I figured all this out without even sitting in a board room for five seconds. Makes sense, don’t it?

SOLUTION 2 - SHOW THESE MLBPA PEOPLE WHAT COLLECTIVE BARGAINING'S ALL ABOUT:
It would make more sense to me to have a player’s salary cap in effect. We’ll say that no player can make more than $10 million a year. No minor leaguer can make more than the league minimum until they actually make the professional team. Don’t allow draft picks to hire agents, after all, this isn’t Basketball or Football where a player is picked to play immediately. These kids are getting $3 million to learn how to play in the busch leagues.

In the end, the salary cap has proven ineffective, and really is just an easy way to make excuses for consistent mediocrity. That silly Curse of the Bambino myth is over, and now it's time, Mr. Commisioner to once and for all end this silly "salary cap" myth. The salary cap is for the owners' piggy banks, NOT for competitive baseball. Just check the ratings on the season opening Sox/Yanks game and their 500 million dollar combined payroll. And if a non-capped MLB is still uncompetitive for you, I recommend not watching TV until next year when the Pats, Eagles, and Jets are all in contention again.

WELCOME TO THE NEW PRETENTIOUS

Next week begins the re-launch of PretentiousSports".com." Starting then, we'll have updates during the week, coming from our regular contributors.

Monday will be the first of Matthew Lungariello's weekly rants and raves articles.
Tuesday will be the first of the Day of the Iron Lung and Pretentious News updates.
Wednesdays will the first of the return of Khalid Washington's popular weekly"Dating Game" feature.
And Thursday, we will launch the first of newcomer Cousin Paulie's weekly feature, "This Ain't Smallville."

It's all here, right on Pretentious starting Monday. See you then!

MATT'S BACK... And He's Not a Happy Boy

written by Matthew Lungariello

Hello people, I’m back. I have sun poisoning, and I have a lot to say. First things first. Jim Rome annoys me.

MO CHEEKS Quick shoutout to Mo Cheeks who was fired by the Portland Trailblazers this week. He deserves to be recognized. He was fired as coach of the Trailblazers during his fourth season. They were having a forgettable season, but a few things need to be brought out about this story.

First, there is management trading away Cheeks' best player, Rasheed Wallace. Wallace, without a doubt was a cancer to the team. The guy has all the talent in the world, is just short of seven feet, can dribble, post up, hit 3's, and play defense. He also has broke every single technical foul record in existence.

He holds the single season and career record for fouls, and is tied for the single game record (remember, technical fouls and you get ejected from the game). Everyone in Portland knew that he was a special player. But he wore out his welcome with a drug arrest, a double digit lead blown in the fourth quarter of game seven against the Lakers in the playoffs, and disappointing year after disappointing year.

Which brings us to the trade. The trade, of course, was to last Larry Brown's Pistons last year And what happens? Wallace becomes the missing piece for Detroit's championship aspirations. He also becomes a model citizen in Detroit. Point? Not Mo Cheeks’ fault. It's hard to have a winning record when your best player shows up to play whenever he feels like it.

Cheeks also participated in the only non Michael Jordon moment that made me smile on a basketball court. As a 13-year old girl sang the National Anthem at mid-court before a game, she forgot a line because of stage freight. Mo walked over and put his arm around her and whispered the line that the nervous singer forgot. They finished the song together, and I began clapping from my seat at home. Here’s to you Mo. There's no reason he shouldn't get hired right away.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Three Titles in four years in a league that has a salary cap? Recently, the Pats lost Ty Law, and receivers Patten and T. Brown. While they were on the way to their 3rd championship last season, we were forced to listen to announcers preaching their desire to win. That Tom Brady, amoung other teammates, arguably the best quarterback in Football, only makes $6 million a year. They said Brady doesn’t make Peyton Manning money, he just beats him. Great Pats’ players like Tom make that kind of money because they would rather keep winning players around them, as opposed to personally cashing in on their talents. Now, the Pats are forced release Troy Brown for what they called Salary cap reasons. What I call it is “we need to sign Tom Brady to alotta money so he don’t go nowhere.”

Now Brady will be the deserving receiver of the 3rd highest contract in the NFL. I guess we can throw that desire to win nonsense out the window. I hope the Pats win two games next season.

KOBE FREE TO FOCUS ON BASKETBALL The civil suit filed against Kobe Bryant was settled one day before anyone had to swear under oath about the whattheheckhappened the night of the alleged rap. At the time that the “victim” first went to the authorities with this story, she claimed that she didn’t want any money from the superstar, she just wanted to see him go to jail for what he had done. When she was finally scheduled to take the stand, she decided that it would be too difficult to relive the events of that evening.. The case was thrown out.

I guess it wouldn’t have been hard for her to appear on the stand this time to give “her side” as long as she would be getting money for it. I truly don’t know what happened that night and honestly wouldn’t be surprised either way. But, three people came forward in Kobe’s defense saying that they all had sexual relations with the girl within seven days of the apparant rap.

I will not pretend to be a female who was taken advantage of, but I think if I was raped, I probably wouldn’t feel like having sex for a while. Definitely not with three different men in the next seven days.

Oh yeah, and as for his career: I hope Kobe is happy. He got just what he wanted. A team that is not a playoff factor.

STUPID GOOD MOVE I used to be an Oakland Raiders fan, but now I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

The Raiders have a great receiver and his name isnt Randy. It's Jerry, Jerry Porter. They have a few big names on defense and had one of the best passing attacks in the league last season. What they don’t have, and what they didn’t have during their Superbowl debacle a few years ago, is a running game. As opposed to making your strong point stronger, how about creating a little more balance within the team?

Lets consider the facts: the best passing attacks in the NFL last season, with the exception of the Colts finished the season early. The Colts, it should be noted, faced a major collapse in what some considered early the playoffs. The best passing attack teams were the Raiders, the Chiefs, and the Rams. The teams with the top running games were fighting over the trophy, not fighting over draft picks: The Steelers, the Jets, the the Patriots. The Raiders wont be a true contender until Al Davis is out of town, and they sign a premier back. Hint: Lamont Jordon!

BEST NON-MOVE The Knicks not pulling the trigger on a potentional trade that would’ve brought Chris Webber to the Garden. He is a huge risk, and teammates constantly complain about him. Unless the Knicks were on pace for 50 wins, he would be a liability to the team. The 76ers have Allen Iverson (the answer), and paired with Webber, they may be able to make some noise in the playoffs. So it was a calculated risk for the Sixers, and it just makes the Eastern Conference’s case stronger that they are the better conference.

Speaking of the Knicks, in case you havent noticed, they are really bad. They made a couple of trades just before the trade deadline in which they will be receiving two first round draft picks as well as their own which appears to be an inevitable lottery pick. Before you go break anything, don’t forget that it was Isiah Thomas that drafted T-MAC with the 9th pick of the draft. It was Isiah who drafted Jamal Tinsley late in the first round, and it was also Isiah that traded for Jermaine O’Neal and the talentedTroubled Ron “the rap recording “ Artest. He drafted Trevor Ariza with the 14th pick of the second round, Thomas has an eye for talent. Give him a chance to make something happen with his draft picks and if he doesn’t, fire him.

Quick note to Herb Williams, interm coach of the Knicks: I watch as many games as I can, and all I can say is that this team is playing harder for Herb than they did for Lenny Wilkens. No disrespect to Lenny, he tried and tried again to make this team play defense, it just didn’t happen. They didn’t respond to him. But Herb has shown that even if the Knicks hire Phil Jackson or Larry Brown for next season, that he can coach in this league.

MIGHT GO POSTAL If one more Baseball “expert” says that the Nationals overpaid for shortstop Christian Guzman, I might go postal. This is a 27-year old slick fielding switch hitter with speed and playoff experience. He can hit and will most likely leadoff for a young lineup that has a lot of potential. If they can avoid major injuries, this team will surprise some people in an improved division(I guess last place isnt a surprise). They locked him up for 4 years at 16 million, which isn’t too high considering what other shortstops around the league make. Jeter makes around 18 million, Nomar Garciaparra is making 8 million following a sub-par season, Edgar Renteria is making 10 million a year, Orlando Cabrera will make 8 million this year, and Kaz Matsui who had not had one inning of Major League experience signed for 7 million a year. Kaz, incidentally, has already been banished to 2nd base. Guzamn is a bargain compared to what the rest of the league is signing for.

BASKETBALL HAS PROBLEMS In the next collective bargaining agreement, there had better be a rule that forces players to report to the team that they have been traded to within one week or they shall be suspended without pay for the entire season. This should apply as long as these players don’t have a no-trade clause.

The NBA cannot allow players under contract to decide where they want to be traded. Touchy players cannot run the league. Players play, leave the negotiating with agents and GM's. In the NBA, the tail is wagging the dog.

Jim Jackson was traded to the last place Hornets and refused to report to the team, until the team finally decided to trade him to a playoffs contender. It is no ones divine right to play for a title. Did you hear that Alonzo? It is no players right to be placed on the team that has the best chance of going all the way. Alonzo Mourning was given a 4 year contract from the NJ Nets for an outrageous $20 million. The Nets had no idea if he would even step on the Basketball court. He has been fighting cancer and everytime it appeared that he was all the way back, there would be another setback. The Nets basically gave him that contract to ensure the resigning of Jason Kidd. Then Mourning got injured early in the season and collected his money without playing any important minutes and the Nets went championshipless for another season. Come the next offseason, the Nets chose to sign Richard Jefferson to a max dollar contract, and created a sign and trade with the talented Kenyon Martin forced out of town.

Zo goes on to insult the Nets front office for allowing Martin to leave instead of just saying thank you for the free money. That same management went on to bring in one of the premier players in the league, Vince Carter. Prior to that trade, Zo had made public statements that he wanted the Nets to buyout the remainder of his contract so that he can become a free agent and have a chance to play for a championship. That means that he wanted the Nets to pay him for all 4 seasons that he didn’t play in order to terminate his contract. That’s fair considering the Nets gave him money while waiting patiently for him to rehab and get back into game shape. As it turned out, Mourning was part of the Vince Carter deal and they got the ungreatful headache out of town without buying anything out. The league should force him to give that money back. Now, Mourning has signed with the Miami Heat again, and he will have his chance to ride Shaq’s back to a championship.

But I hope he never plays again.

BREAKING NEWS I just saw on ESPNews that Gary Payton, the centerpiece of the deal that brought Antoine Walker back to the Celtics will be returning to the Celtics once he clears waivers. So basically, the troubled Hawks just gave Toine to the Celtics for nothing. Theres nothing wrong with this league? I pick the Celtics to outlast Phily in the division race.

WORDS OF WISDOM Someone please make Gary Sheffield shut up! Just SHUT HIM UP!!!