PretentiousSports.com

Friday, April 29, 2005

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Talks No Super Star NBA Playoffs, Denies the Existence of Racism, and Tells Girls They're Fat

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

-How bad is it that Lebron and Kobe aren't in the playoffs right now? -Via e-mail

Dear e-mail person:
I don't' know why you would e-mail us, as we here at "Pretentious Sports.Com" get most of our questions via phone or fax.

I don't' see it as so bad that LeBron and Kobe are not in the playoffs. There are still some superstars that can hold it down for the NBA. Guys like Shaq, Kidd, Tim Duncan, Notwitski, and Carmelo Anthony are still alive and kicking so it's not that big of a deal.

Hopefully, we will see King James in the playoffs again soon. Cleveland needs to build the right mix of players around James. Think of it like mixing weed and brownies. If you don't' get the ingredients right, then you don't get the proper effect. Well, at least that's what our editor told me.

Personally I lost a lot of respect for Kobe Bryant. Not because of the rape thing by the way. it's not like I support rape and think it should be a national past time, or anything. Just cause I'm the Dating Game guy doesn't mean I'm that nuts.

In the basketball world, Kobe single handedly destroyed a powerful dynasty, which had the potential for at least two more title runs. That would be a total of five championships over the span of seven years. They clearly would have been considered one the best dynasties in the history of not just basketball, but the history of American sports. All if not for one selfish person; one guy who just had the be the center of the mêlée. Kobe didn't like that he wasn't the only superstar on the squad, he argued with his coach (of all people!), and put the owner in his back pocket as ammo to take down whomever he needed to take down. Hence, the expulsion of what we in the beginning of a new millennium could have witnessed and told our children's children about. Thanks Kobe. See how stupid you really are in the grand scheme of things? Next question.

Dear Pretentious:Do you think the NBA wanting to make age restrictions for players racist? I know you guys are the #1 source for civil liberties after your wonderful Pro-Chris House campaign?
-Gordon Panks


Shouts to my homeboy Delli for getting that exclusive for Pretentious Sports. Eat your heart out ESPN! We beat you. Again...

Now, Gordon, what does age restriction have to do with racism? Get a grip. Racism no longer exists in the world of sports. Nor does it exist in sports journalism. I mean I'm the only African-American writer for this team, and it might be true that I'm the only one with no office, no secretary, no company car or annual salary. But hey! You gotta start from the bottom and work your way up. Gordon, don't ever write in again. Racism? Ha! Never heard of it. Next.


YO:
Do you ever go to a bar and see really fat girls in bikini tops and short skirts and think that on the other end of that outfit is a friend or boyfriend or husband saying "I'm serious, you don't look fat in that outfit?" Can't we just be honest?
Bruised and Abused


Dear Bruised and Abused,
Is your name from the fact that you were sat on by your wife? Ok that wasn't nice, I'm sorry. But yes, I'm sure that the really fat girls have boyfriends and husband telling them that they don't' look fat but they really do.

I tell girls they look fat all the time. Even to girls I don't know walking down the street. That's how I stay in so much shape. Because after you say it, you gotta run like your being chased by bison. Well, a bison actually is chasing you when you think about it, but that's a different story.

Well, this is my last installment on Ask Pretentious for now. Thank you everyone who had questions to ask. Pretentious Sports loves to help you out with anything you need to know. Next month we will be showcasing the talented Mr. Ben Fortney. So until next time, PEACE and LOVE. Signing off.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

Thursday, April 28, 2005

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS DEBATE: One White Sock... Or is it One White Sox?

transcript from today's episode of PS.com CROSSFIRE

Today Pretentious is having a no holds barred debate about a serious issue. The time honored debate that has sparked controvery in the MLB world... The singular of White Sox.

Is one member of the White Sox one White Sock or one White Sox?

DAN DELLICARPINI, staff writer and associate editor said: "Why weren't the Red Sox used as an example? Then I could've said something funny. Like 'Unkempt Dipshit.' I'd probably call em a White Sock, or 'a member of the White Sox,' or 'Cracker-ass-cracker.' Whichever."

KHALID WASHINGTON, staff writer and pro dater, said: "Well, in the technical sense it is one white sock... but in terms of the sports franchise it would be one white sox."

BUDDY LUNG, contributing editor said: "OK, Khalid, but this begs the question that if there is such a thing as one Sox, then WHAT THE HELL IS A SOX?"

DELLICARPINI: "But 'Sox' isnt a word. It's a play off of 'Socks,' so is it stillplural in its misspelled form?

WASHINGTON: "But in Microsoft Word, Sox is accepted as a word. So it must be one."

MATT LUNGARIELLO, senior staff writer, said: "Sox ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sks) n. A plural of sock1. "

DELLICARPINI: "Isn't knowledge obtained through the internet invalid or something? Doens't that need to come from like an actual book? I'm still going with 'sox' isn't a real word. Next thing you know, we'll all be saying 'eleventeen.'"

WASHINGTON: "They still make books?"

BUDDY LUNG: "So if Sox is the plural of Sock as you say, then it means that one White Sox member is a White Sock."

MATT LUNGARIELLO: "I say YES network."

And so ends the debate. If majority rules, one White Sox is a White Sock. The end. PS.com has spoken.

THAT'S LYHE: Arod: "I'm Still Not Convinced!"

by Khalid Washington

The setting-Pretentious Sports Headquarters.

The date-Tuesday April 26 2005.

The game-New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Angels.

During his first at bat with runners on first and second, Alex Rodriguez ripped a shot over the left field wall to give the Yankees a 3-0 lead. Right before the at-bat I told my Co-Senior Staff Writer Matty Lungs that I wasn't convinced.

"I don't care," I said matter-of-factly. "He's not worth the money. He's the highest paid player in the game." Then boom, he hit the shot.

"That's why he gets the big bucks!" exclaimed Matt as we watched the replay. But I wasn't buying it. Not one bit.

"Let's see him do it again", I snapped towards Matt.

Then in his second at bat, he received a hearty cheer from the crowd. He had a runner on first base with two outs. "He's gonna choke," I thought to myself. He entered the game with a .154 average with two outs and runners on base. I figured the first one was a lucky swing, he must have accidentally timed it right or something.

Then it happened again. He connected with a two-seam fastball and sent it sailing into the night. Two run home run and the Yankees now had a 5-2 lead.

"Brilliant!" yelled Matt in his best Guinness drinker's voice. I cheered along and quickly calmed myself.

"I'm still not convinced," I said coldly.

His third at bat came. This time the bases were loaded, once again with two outs. Matt looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, but not a gay-lovers-who-are-about-to-make-out smile. It was an I-know-what-he-is-thinking smile. And Matt was giving me an I-know-that-smile-means-you-know-what-I-am-thinking-by-my-smile. Matt was waiting for another. And so was I... in a way...

In my Yankee heart, that has navy blue blood running through it, I wanted Arod to do it again. I wanted to see him have an historical evening in The Bronx. But in my Steinbrenner mind, I knew this wasn't enough.

Rodriguez hit 36 home runs last year. That's the second fewest in his career. If Jeter hits 36 then it's a career year. And in my opinion Jeter is the best all around player on the team. But he does not possess pure A-Rod power. A-Rod power has hit 52 home runs in a season. In his MVP season he hit 47 homers. That's what I know of A-Rod, and that's what I like about A-Rod. And in the end, that's what I WANT from A-Rod. You are supposed to make the team better around you if you're an MVP. He did not do that last season. That's why Sheffield was the runner up and he wasn't. Sheffield carried that team last season with clutch hitting and clutch at bats. But that is still A-Rod's role on this team no matter what happened last year. It's Arod's job to put the ball over the fence.

As all of this ran through my mind, Angel's pitcher Bartolo Colon served up a 3 ball 2 strike fastball to Rodriguez. Alex immediately put it over the centerfield wall. Grand slam home run. Alex Rodriguez, a.k.a. Pay-Rod has a stellar performance, eventually going 4 for 5 with 10 RBI.

But, I'm still not convinced. I will keep saying this until he does it when it counts. Do it at Fenway Park, Alex. Do it in the ALCS. Do it in the World Series, if we can get there. I mean come on Alex; Act like the highest paid and arguably the best player in Major League Baseball, and win. Put the team on your back. Make the big hits that help the squad to pull through. Make the diving stop at third base and throw out the speedy centerfielder sprinting up the line. Be the hero you were brought here to be. Not just last night, do it once a week. Or maybe three times a month. Is that too much to ask for? It would be if Arod wasn't being paid more than the Devil Rays entire payroll this year.

He has hit eight home runs so far this season. If he hits eight every month during the season, he will have 42 on the year. At this rate, his RBI total will be astronomical, and of course 42 home runs would mean an exceptional batting average. This could only add up to one thing: an MVP season.

Please don't get me wrong; it's not that I hate Alex Rodriguez. It's that I love the New York Yankees. So any player who is there and not doing what you were brought in for, you have to leave. I can't make it any more simple than that. So Mr.. Rodriguez, congratulations on a great feat. But it was just one night. Hopefully this writer can say you earned your pinstripes when I watch you hoist the World Series trophy in 2005.

I'll be waiting...

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: We Have Entered the Matrix

by Dan Dellicarpini

So I’ve hooked up Pretentious Sports to a tracking device that monitors who visits the site and how they’ve come here. What’s cool is that when people visit the site, you can see what they searched for that brought them here in the first place.

Here are some actual searches done through Yahoo.com, which lead readers to Pretentious Sports:


1. “Why women should not be able to play man sports”
Does this even need answering? Well, I guess it did to the person who searched for it. I like how they specified “MAN sports,” as opposed to just regular “sports.”

2. “Women don’t like sports”
Is this a statement or a question? It could go either way. Just like the WNBA.

3. “Bill Clinton admits to using drugs”
He did? Really? Oh yeah, that’s right, the whole “I didn’t exhale” thing. Now I remember…

4. “Cell phone poem”
Interesting search. I wonder if phone poems differ from hand-held haiku or PDA prose.

5. “Bill Clinton – ‘I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman’"
Not only does it seem like someone’s out to get ol’ Bill, but they’re really not up-to-date on their news. I mean, this stuff is years old now. What’re you going to even do with this info?

6. “Gino's in Philly”
Sucks. It’s all about Jim’s Steaks baby! Refer to Paul’s article from a few weeks back.

7. “Monetary value of the average points made based on the 76ers payroll”
What a confusing search. I think what the person wants to know is what each point is worth, after factoring in the 76ers payroll and amount of points scored during the season. Ok, let me take a stab at this:

Since 2005 isn’t over technically, I’ll go with 2003-2004 stats. Player expenses were around $65 million (including bonuses and whatnot), so I’ll base all numbers on that.

Games played: 75
Points averaged per game: 99.1 (source: nba.com)
Total points: 7432.5
Dollars per point: $8745.37

There you go.

8. “Super sexy wives underwear”
Once again, not just ANY wives underwear, but “super sexy” wives underwear. Why this person thought Pretentious Sports had any of this is beyond me.

9. “Sexy game”
There aren’t too many sports I’d consider “sexy.” Maybe mud wrestling or foxy-boxing. Certainly not the WNBA.

Monday, April 25, 2005

OFF THE MARK: Despite Slow Start, Schilling Still Loves Himself

written by Mark Intentionally

TAMPA BAY - Since coming back from ankle surgery in the offseason, Red Sox ace Curt Schilling has given up 3 or more earned runs per game and just a bit under one run per inning. Despite the slow start, though, Schilling says he still loves himself.

"After what I've done for New England and how great of a competitor I am, it won't affect anyone's perception of me. I'm that good, man," Schilling said. "Remember those bloody socks? I'm a hero. A friggin hero and even after this slow start I can still pitch better than you."

Schilling may have come back from surgery a bit too quickly,
but he's willing to forgive himself. Cause he's that doggone awesome!
Schilling, who has consistently reminded everyone what an athletic feat it was for him to take the mound last postseason with an injured ankle, hopes for a speedy recovery. He announced after winning the World Series that the 2004 Red Sox were the best Red Sox team ever, despite the fact that the five prior Red Sox World Champ teams featured players like Babe Ruth and Cy Young to name a few.
"It doesn't matter who was on those teams," Curt said. "I am the most righteous pitcher in the major leagues... EVER!" Schilling said he will stick by himself no matter what happens.
"I do not forget how completely A #1 awesome I am," he said with a sigh. "And even though I'm going through hard times right now, it's early in the season. After all I've done, I just have to take it slow and know I will return to the heights of awesomness-iety. Yes, I'm that awesome!"

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/25/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

NFL DRAFT TAKES PLACE - Let me guess Khalid: over the weekend you "drafted" some fine honey in the Dating Game and that proves your love life is a sport, right?

NBA PLAYOFFS BEGIN WITHOUT SUPER STARS- The two biggest stars in the league right now, Kobe and LeBron, both didn't make the playoffs. And if you think they're bigger stars, notice I didn't have to use their last names. I guess there's "Shaq" too but after the movie "Steel" I don't know if I can call him a super star ever again.

MLB: BOSTON / TAMPA BENCHES CLEAR - I don't know the details, but I know I'm on the Red Sox side. Tampa Bay should have thought better than naming themselves Devil Rays if they want me to think they're the good guys.

FORMER PHILLIE DYKSTRA ACCUSED OF STEROIDS AND GAMBLING - In a new lawsuit business partner claims Lenny Dykstra used steroids and gambled on baseball. As if that isn't enough, the partner also called Lenny a "doo doo head."

OAK RAIDERS QB GANNON MIGHT RETIRE FROM NECK INJURY - Would it be wrong to make a Bobblehead doll joke here?

HEAT WINS, BUT SHAQ NOT HAPPY - He said he wasn't his usual "Shaq Diesel" self in the Heat's Game 1 win over the Nets. How does he feel about his level of Shaq-dieselness in the movie "Steel."

NOMAR TEARS MUSCLE, PLACED ON DL - This guy is starting to seem like he is (ahem) "cursed."

BONDS FACES SETBACK ON RETURN TO MLB - Some call them "performance enhancers," some call them "setbacks." Was what I said a low blow? Maybe, but what do you expect when you crowd the plate like that?

VIJAY SINGH WINS HOUSTON OPEN - And he's a favorite to win the Houston Closed.

NO DISCIPLINE AGAINST SHEFFIELD FOR FAN INCIDENT - It's a shock to many critics who figured Selig would at least send Sheff to bed without supper.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

SUPPORT CHRIS HOUSE 2 of 2: Chris House Didn't Interfere

EDITOR'S NOTE: Many have criticized we at Pretentious for having a decidedly Yankee-centric view concerning baseball. This, of course is not true from "the most unbiased site on the net." To prove ourselves, we have launched a "Support Chris House" campaign. Yes, I know we were the first to break the story of Mr. House's identity... and we made fun of him in that breaking news story and our weekly news breakdown. But, come on! That's in the past now. We are now on his side, and I take part 2 of 2 of this week's campaign to "Support Chris House." –Mark

by The Iron Lung

You call what Chris House did in Boston earlier this month "fan interference," you call it "assault;" I call it "homefield advantage." You say that the fan who threw a beer at Ron Artest was "out of line" I say "he's root-root-rooting for the hometeam." That's right, everyone, unlike most, I am not afraid to say what I really feel. I'm on the side of the fans. Maybe everyone is, but they just don't want to admit it in polite conversation.

"Whether Chris House meant to hit Sheffield or not," these girlymen or sissywomen say, "he should not have been reaching onto the field anyway." These people against House say that fans are spectators and nothing more and alcohol and bad morals pervading in society have caused various incidents by fans crossing the line of what is right and what is wrong...

Well, guess what? The only thing wrong is that these "FOX sports fans" (the ones who only watch the playoffs) is that they've never sat in the Bleachers at Fenway Park or in the nosebleeds of the Coliseum. That's why there is such a thing as a "home town." That's why real teams have a home stadium or park, so that "we" as fans can "help" them win. Disagree? Well, guess what? You're wrong, I'm right.

Don't believe it? Well, let's just take for example the concept of a homefield advantage in general. Every team in every sport has a homefield. They don't need to have one. They don't need to be the Chicago Bears... they could just be the Bears. They could go on a stadium tour and accumulate fans all over the country (maybe even Canada) and play "exhibitions." But, they are not the Bears. They are the Chicago Bears. They even spent a few million dollars to build an ugly stadium in South Chicago. Why? To give them friggin homefield advantage that's why. The only team that doesn't want a homefield advantage are the Harlem Globetrotters, and despite their name, they are not based out of Harlem. Also, the only reason the Globetrotters don't need a homefield advantage is because they pay the other team to lose to them. So in other words, they don't need a homefield advantage!

Come on, is this really that difficult to comprehend.?

If you're still having trouble admitting Chris House did the right thing, then consider this: the goal for any pro sports team is what? To win.

To win what? Championships.

To get to championships, you need to enter what? That's right, you need to enter the playoffs.

And the team with the best record in the league gets what advantage in the playoffs? That's right, the winningest team "wins" homefield advantage...

There wouldn't be such a big deal for homefield advantage if it wasn't a factor, which begs the question why is it a factor? Well, it's a factor because of fear, baby. Straight up fear.

Imagine Gary Sheffield in right field of Fenway Park, the verbal taunts, death threats, comments about Mrs. Sheffield, sexual threats on Sheffield's wife, steroid quips, general yelling and insulting the guy's ability. Those fans are doing what any fan is doing "getting inside the head of the enemy." Boston fans are particularly good at this, as their team sets a good example as they will often incite on-field fights to "rally" their teammates with some aggression. It's all part of the game. In the playoffs a few years back a fan caught the ball in play during a Baltimore-Yankee game and it was ruled a homerun. Homefield advantage again! It's our job as fans to mess with the other team's heads as much as humanly possible. Sheffield needs to be afraid for his wellbeing and the wellbeing of his children. Sheffield needs to think at any time a fan will run onto the field and attack him with a stale Fenway sausage dog bun. Sheffield needs to be ready to look up to the sky as a foul ball hovers above him and get a handful of peanut debris in his eyes. That's what the fans are there for. If not, they would play these games in private. In golf there's idiots holding signs saying "QUIET." I've never seen those guys at Fenway, and that's because the team owners want us involved, whether they admit it or not.

Fans are there to chant things like "Bal-co" or "Who's your daddy" or to say "Hey Hey Hey, Good bye" in the last seconds of the 4th quarter. Fans are there to throw beers at cocky opposing players, and slap outfielders in the face when they make an attempt on a crucial 8th inning play. It's true. It should say it right on the ticket. If this duty of intimidation weren't true, then they wouldn't have those things all over the stadium, those things called seats. They even have guys giving us beer to lose our inhibitions as if to say "Relax have a drink and tell the first base coach that his mother is a prostitute." It's what fans, it's what "we" collectively are there for. It's our duty. And let them know, because hey, we pay their salary. Just like when a cop pulls you over for having a disembodied Sheffield bobblehead hanging from your trunk. "Don't I pay your salary?" you'd say. That's the same thing I would've told Sheff after swiping him in the face and throwing a beer all over him.

The point is we can't blame Chris House. It's a sad society we live in where everyone seems to have forgotten the concept of "homefield advantage." It's truly becoming a lost religion. We need to return to roots. Here's some ideas:

5 WAYS TO BRING HOMEFIELD ADVANTAGE BACK TO WHAT IT WAS
1. Mandatory throwing back opposing team homerun balls or ejection from the park. This includes every sport.
2. $25 waterguns on the walls like they have at the waterrides at Six Flags where you spray people on the rides. Install these in baseball fields, and let the fans use them against the players.
3. Small clubhouses for visiting teams, with defective equipment, and dim lighting so the other team can't read the coaches clipboard.
4. Uneven pitching mounds in the visiting teams bullpen.
5. Nerf bats for Spike Lee and every other front row NBA ticketholder for when the opposing team comes out-of-bounds.

These are just a few things. We need to get back to roots. Show up drunk to watch (or play for that matter) and "get down." No more of this coddling of visiting teams. Ideally, we'll scare them to the point where they won't show up and automatically forfeit. Either way "we" win, and when I say "we" I mean the fans.

Friday, April 22, 2005

SUPPORT CHRIS HOUSE 1 of 2: A Plea to Let Fans Interfere

EDITOR'S NOTE: Many have criticized we at Pretentious for having a decidedly Yankee-centric view concerning baseball. This, of course is not true from "the most unbiased site on the net." To prove ourselves, we have launched a "Support Chris House" campaign. Yes, I know we were the first to break the story of Mr. House's identity... and we made fun of him in that breaking news story and our weekly news breakdown. But, come on! That's in the past now. We are now on his side, and Khalid takes part 1 of 2 of this weeks campaign to "Support Chris House." -Mark

written by Khalid Washington

Allowing fans to get involved in the game. Not just swiping players in the face, but actually coming down into the field, or court or whatever: that would be the greatest thing to happen in sports history. There's a serious need for fans to be involved professional sports, I mean just look at us. We give advice from the stands all the time. And whenever there's a scandal, like the NHL lockout or steroid testing in baseball, everyone says "No one thinks of the fans." Well, don't say I don't. I think of the fans... and I know we all should be involved.

Don't agree? Why do you think people say "we won" when their team wins. They agree with me and so should you. "We" should agree that we should all be part of "our" teams. The benefits are countless, aren't they?

For starters, ticket sales would sky rocket. Yankee/Red Sox games already get sold out as it is. But imagine if a fan had the chance to join in on the fun after the 7th inning stretch and become part of the game? Then they could not only reach over the stands and hit Gary Sheffield in the head, they could be on the field and tackle Gary Sheffield to the grass... and not have to worry about some punk security kid getting in the way.

Die-hard Yankee fans would agree, it would be fine by them. Because if any Red Sox faithful want to go into right field and tussle with “Da Sheff," they'll have to deal with the fact that he’s not a little person, and he sure ain’t a punk. You’d definitely be in for the ass whooping of your life, but it’s ok as long as it was part of the rules.

If the Sox visit the Bronx and a player gets on the field, they would aim for David Ortiz, a.k.a. “Big Papi." Big Papi is about the size of a New York City bus, but fans wouldn't care. New Yorkers would "fuhgeddaboutit" and try to take Ortiz out before he did any more damage to Yankees pitching, and the "Mass-holes" would jump Sheffield for having that big wad of gum in his mouth all the time (at least I hope it is gum... or maybe it's a bowling ball). Imagine the impact these attacks and participation would have on the game.

Moving right along to some other benefits, a 12th man/fan on the field would be beneficial in the NFL as well. Think about the fact that "your" (see what I mean?) star player might be at risk of making a nagging injury worse and you’re in the waning moments of a great victory. Let’s take Philadelphia Eagles starting QB Donavan McNabb for instance. There are still unsettled rumors that he was extremely tired during their near comeback 4th quarter performance at last year's Super Bowl. If McDrag (poor joke about him being tired) is losing it, you bring in an Eagles fan. You could also bring in Philly’s back up QB Koy Detmer, but the last time I checked, he was in the cheap seats with his family eating a hot dog at the big game. Unlike Detmer, a fan would have no problem coming in when Donovan drops back so he can toss the fan the pigskin. The fan in all his glory would dance around the 50-yard line avoiding the bigger slower defensive tackles, only to get blind-sided by Patriots Line Backer Tedy Bruschi while he had no pads on. The hit would be enough to send him into a severe concussion and loosen the molars in his jaw, without question. But if it’s practiced right, that fan will have gotten the ball laterally passed back to star just in time for him to throw a 40 yard laser to Terr-ible Owens for the game winning touchdown. Imagine how different the world would be if we could say Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles? And all because a fan helped "us" win. And even if they didn't help, next time it would shut up all the Eagles fans complaining about "choking" and all.

We here at pretentious feel strongly about bringing in that extra person on "your" home playing field. Look what it could do for other sports as well:

Basketball: Put the fan on a ladder next to the hoop in Cleveland. Just think how great those highlights from the basketbrawl were. Now picture that EVERY NIGHT!

Golf: A no name golfer gets an eagle on the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass. Subsequently he pulls two shots ahead of Tiger Woods and wins the Master’s Tournament.
Announcer: How did you sink that beautiful Eagle on the 17th Mr. Golfer?
Golfer: Well I used my “Bring in a Fan Card” and he just kicked the ball in when it got close to the hole.

Shark Fishing: You could pull the largest sharks off the Pacific coast by simply throwing a fan overboard. Nothing as good as fans for bait. Trust me sharks react like Gary Sheffield when a fan is in their water.

Hockey: One time I saw Eric Lindros take one of the worse blows to the back of the head that I ever seen. Now what if you had a fan on the ice that could wear a mock Lindros jersey. That way when the fan get’s cross checked to the back of the neck, the real Lindros can skate up and lay out the suspect with a skate blade to the jugular. Brilliant!

Best part about all of this? It would be totally legal! And I’m convinced that team faithful would run to the arenas and buy tickets. So take it from me and get a fan involved in the game, today!

Come back tomorrow for Mark Lungariello's Support Chris House piece entitled "Home Field Advantage"

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid on Polka Dots and Stripes, Yankees Trades, and the NHL Lockout

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Dear Pretentious:
Is it ever ok to wear pinstripes and polka dots together?
-Jack Z


Dear Jack Z,
It’s ok to wear them if you're going to try out to replace Mr. Met, or if you’re in a P. Diddy fashion show.

Dear Pretentious:
Is it too early for the Yankees to make some trades?
-Alfons


Dear Alfons,
It’s way too early for the Yankees to even think about trades. Furthermore, I'm not sure who they'd want to use as trade pieces and who they'd be looking to pick up. It's the first month of a six-month season and though the team may be struggling a bit early on, the talent they have would be ridiculous to give on up this early. Nobody is talking trade in April, it's just not good baseball.

Now, three months from now at the deadline, they might make moves as necessary. But, at the moment there doesn't seem to be anyone who needs to be dumped. Of course, it would be nice to unload Giambi's contract or maybe Kevin Brown, but you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone in the league that would take either one of them. Brown is in his contract year and is a bottom of the rotation guy this year anyway, so you just have to hope he stays solid enough and that the offense and bullpen can pick up his slack. Giambi? The truth is the team is stuck with a terrible contract and all fans can hope is that Giambi contributes on an offensive level this year. So far, he hasn't been as bad as some expected, but if he is actually going to be consistent is anyone's guess.

Who else does the team look to trade? Tom Gordon's been ineffective this year, but was the Gordon 8th / Rivera 9th was the best one-two punch the team has had since Rivera 8th / Wetteland 9th back in 1996. Tom Gordon is staying it seems. Though the team may have used him to trade for a centerfielder. I, and just about every other Gm in the league always wanted Marlins out fielder Miguel Cabrera, who is already batting .333 with 3 home runs and 15 RBI. He has enough speed to play center as well, so this shifts Bernie to a DH and occasional fielding role. That won't happen this year though, because you have Giambi and Ruben Sierra when he comes back already basically your everyday DH. The truth is this team is here and it will stay. I would say unless the team really falls out of contention or a major star is injured, the only moves you might see are situational bullpen guys like Stanton, or maybe a backup guy. Don't expect Sheff, A-Rod, or any of the other big guys to turn in their pinstripes before this October.

It's too early to know what will happen when trade season comes. But you never know, since the average age of the Yankee squad is now 64, one year before social security eligibility. And that’s just the average.

Do you think this hockey scandal will go on to stop the start of next season?

Dear Hockey Fan,
I think the fact that the NHL owners and players lost a boat load of money last year would mean they are going to do everything in their power to bring it back this year. But you also reach a point where you say "we've gone this far and there's no turning back now." That's the point where the NHL and NHLPA are at right now. They are launching lawsuits against each other and "negotiating" by shooting down every proposal that comes each other's way. Both sides want the next season to go on and get the NHL back up and running, but they both don't want to be the one to say "mercy." Let's also not forget this is a lockout by the league, not a strike by the union. The owners aren't going to bend, they are the ones that wanted this in the first place.

I would recommend writing your cable provider and requesting they pick up some Canadian league games. Or Finland or Russia. Because, with these bickering fools, it might be a long time before you ever see an NHL team take the ice again.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

Thursday, April 21, 2005

THAT'S LYPHE: Khalid and Matt Sacrifice Khalid's Unlucky Jacket

written by Khalid Washington

We burned the disgraceful article. And we danced around it's pyre and celebrated. Up in smoke goes the curse of the jacket. Losing streaks should be over and the victories will begin.

Right now, you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. It all began earlier this week, when my Pretentious co-worker and editor, Buddy Lung took a jab at superstitious fans in his post earlier this week. (Click here to read). Buddy doesn't believe in luck. But now I must say, I'm sorry Buddy, but luck is real... and in turn so is being unlucky.

THE ARTICLE IN QUESTION
On my birthday last year, during one of my many Dating Game exploits, a young woman decided it would be nice to buy me a new Yankees jacket. She knew it was my favorite team in baseball. Besides that, my birthday is October 18th 1977. This was two days after Yankee legend Reggie "Mr. October" Jackson's three homerun World Series performance.

I didn't need a "New" Yankees jacket. I had an old jacket... a "lucky" jacket. It was ghastly, smelly, unwashed and unclean since the first time I ever wore it to the ALDS October 1998. The Bombers were playing the Texas Rangers and losing early on. When I walked in around the third or fourth inning with my jacket it all changed. Tino Martinez hit a two-run homer and gave the Bombers a 4-3 lead.

I wore that "Lucky Jacket" to Game Two of the 1999 ALCS vs. the Sox and we won that game as well. Both of these years we went on to win the World Series, and in 2000 when we faced the Mets in the Subway Series.

Over the next couple of years my love for the Yankees remained strong, but my interest in attending games started to fade. I got lazy for the fact that it seemed we would always win. I just knew it was automatic. But then it happened; we started to lose the big games. I was sitting on my couch season after season in my boxers and wife beater in absolute disbelief. It didn't make sense.

Fast forward through my Stadium drought to 2004. That year, I met the Lungariello Brothers, the famed upper deck season ticket holders who have coined soon-to-be-famous Yankee cheers such as, "I like the way you Rube" a shout to utility player Ruben Sierra. Also, "Cook it up Shef, Cook it Up!" to Yankee right fielder and future UFC Champion Gary Sheffield. (Nicknames include last year's "Turn it Enrique Wilson" and this year's new 2nd baseman "Tony Woo-hoomack!"

2004 was going to be the year where we win it all again. Every regular season game that I was invited to, I was wearing that jacket. The jacket maintained it's perfect record.

-A two game double-header sweep of the Mets? I was there, didn't even need to wear the jacket just brought it into the park for good luck.

-Last home game of the '04 regular season vs. the Minnesota Twins? The jacket and me showed up that night. The result? Walk off home run by Bernie Williams. Because of my lucky jacket being there that night, we broke the record for most home runs by a team in the regular season, got our 100th victory of the year and clinched the AL East Division crown.

My lucky jacket stayed with me through it all. It's never been washed except for the rain delays that it has roughed with me. Every winning ticket from the '04 season was saved in the inside pocket so that I could explain the legend to my children and to their children.

-2004 ALCS. New York verses Boston. This was for all the marbles. So of course I grabbed my jacket and accepted the upper deck ticket from the Lungs to help seal the victory.

Game 1: We rocked Curt Schilling and his stupid ankle.
Game 2: We rocked Pedro's head from chanting, "Who's Your Daddy?"

The Jacket and me were in the house for both of those contests. And we did what Yankees and lucky jackets are supposed to do in those situations. We won. I was so confident in our ability to pull it off. I was so sure that we were back to regular world championship form once again. So confident in fact that I decided I was gonna put the filthy disgusting lucky jacket away for the weekend, since I was going to do some dating game research. "How 'bout wearing this new jacket that my lady friend bought for me?" I thought to myself getting dressed that weekend. I didn't think anything was wrong with that. Especially since Game 3 in Boston was the game were the Yankees put up 19 runs and took a commanding 3-0 lead in the best of seven series. But that's when the luck ran out.

The jacket only works when I'm at the game wearing it. And I wasn't there anymore. And so the Red Sox started to come back. This come back sparked Yankee fans into showing full support at the stadium, so unfortunately the ticket that was given to me by the Lungs was taken back by the original owner. And so Game 6 & 7 in the Stadium? Well, we all know what happened. I wasn't there. The jacket wasn't there. And Boston completed the greatest comeback in the history of American sports.

Something told me that my "New" Yankee jacket had something to do with it. I had angered the spirit of the "old" lucky jacket with this "new Jacket." But I wasn't really convinced until the '05 season.

Besides that stupid new jacket being worn during the massacre of Boston beating New York last year, I have been at two games this year with that new one. Both games were losses, including last night, a game verse the Tampa Bay Rays with our own Randy Johnson on the mound. it was ugly.

To top it off, Matty Lungs and myself almost got into a thirteen on two brawl in the parking lot after the game. This was all because some drunk kid wanted to show face in front of his friends.


******


It had to be done. And now was the time. I was sick of it. Tired of feeling scared when I put it on. Tired of wondering how we would screw up this time because it was at the stadium with me. My 6 month old, stylish and sleek New York Yankees jacket had to go. And I needed to go back to the smelly old beaten dirty lucky jacket.

So Matt and I torched the "New Jacket." We took our lighters out and set it on fire. Right there in the parking lot. I felt as if I was cleansing the team. Like we were rekindling the spirit of Yankee victory. I felt as if I was sacrificing a bad lamb to the Yankee gods. Ruth, Maris, Mantle, DiMaggio; all were watching us from above, smiling their approval at us. We danced around the jacket as chanted, "Um daddy um de um! Um daddy um de um!"

And as the final flames flickered away from the heap of cotton and polyester blend, I proclaimed, "The burning of this jacket will mark the rebirth of an old tradition in this town. This friend, the year we humans call 2005 will be the first of many successful years our Yankees will see again. The year we can say we were the WORLD CHAMPIONS!"

You heard it hear first. The unlucky jacket is gone and I'm calling us the world champions already.

Silly me? Nope, not at all.

See you at the World Series. I will be in the upper deck section 10 at the PretentiousSports seats. And guess what I will be wearing? No, you don't have to guess.


UPDATE!
Matt Lungariello updates us on the stats since the burning of Khalid's "New Jacket":

Yanks Oppenents
wins 1 0
runs 11 2

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

OFF THE MARK: Brewers in Slump After Fan Forgets Lucky Jacket

by Mark Intentionally

The Brewers lost their fifth in a row on Tuesday afternoon, dropping their record to 5-8. The slow start comes as a disappointment as Milwaukee switched ownership on the offseason and recently signed pitcher Ben Sheets to a formidable 4-year contract. Many fans hoped the Brewers would begin an ascent into contention this season, but the tide may be turning and early, much to the sadness of the Brewers faithful.

The slump is particularly disappointing to Milwaukee fans after they learned the slump may have been turned around if not for Brewers fan Tad Lipman, who forgot to wear his lucky jacket to the game, which was against the L.A. Dodgers.

"I just forgot," Tad said in a postgame interview. "I just forgot it in my closet. What can I say? The Brew Crew never loses when I wear that jacket. Never."

Tad's buddy, Wilson Calbot of Tucsano, Wisconsin agreed with that.

"We only use the jacket in very, very tight spots. We could have used it today against LA. If Tad had his jacket we all would've been patting him on the back for good luck," Wilson said.

The Brews had taken an early lead only to see it slip away by late inning heroics on the Dodgers. Heroics that never would have happened if Tad had been wearing his lucky jacket.

"It never fails," he said. "Next time I won't forget it."

Milwaukee's #1 starter Ben Sheets hopes that Tad won't forget it "next time," tomorrow as Sheets takes the ball to try to reverse the streak.

"It makes the utmost difference," Ben Sheets said. "Not just what Tad is wearing, but what anyone watching the game is wearing. Also, what they are eating, where they are sitting on the couch. That type of thing. It's not a superstition it's a fact. We need all the luck we can get!"

Monday, April 18, 2005

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL 4/18/2005: The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, jr.

A-ROD SAVES LIFE OF CHILD IN BOSTON - If he can't save the Yankees' season going down the tubes, at least he could save something.

NBA EAST PLAYOFF DOGFIGHT - It's an exciting race to see who will be the teams eliminated in the first round of the playoffs.

METS WIN 6 IN A ROW - Across town, the Yankees are 4-8. Somewhere George Steinbrenner is pouting.

SHEFFIELD INCIDENT WITH BOSTON FAN - There is a bit of controversy over if the fan intended to interfere with the play, or if he was more innocently trying to field the ball in play. So let's get this right: while the ball is ON THE GROUND, in the corner of the wall in front of the fan, the fan is standing completely upright and reaching out into the playing field five feet above where the ball is... I'd have to say the only ball the fan was fielding was the one in Sheff's eye socket.

TONY STEWART'S CAR CATCHES FIRE AT SAMSUNG/RADIO SHACK 500 - And NASCAR makes the 6 o'clock news sports highlights for the first time since... well, probably last time there was a big accident.

GRIZZLIES OUST WOLVES FROM PLAYOFF SPOT - No playoff spot means no playoff bonus means tough eating for Spre's children.

CLIPPERS 44 LOSSES AND COUNTING - This is why the Clippers are the best organization in sports. 44 Losses and counting and fans everywhere (wherever they are...) are celebrating a banner year.

NATIONALS WIN 5TH STRAIGHT, 8TH OVERALL - Did someone forget to tell these guys Washington baseball teams are supposed to suck?

TO REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT ALLEGED CONTRACT RENOGOTIATION - It's not T.O. trying to break a contract he signed only a year ago that's surprising... it's the part about Owens refusing to talk that's truly shocking.

THE BREWERS SIGN PITCHER BEN SHEETS TO A BIG 4-YEARS - I knew that franchise had more money to spend! It's just that Bud Selig used to keep it all under his mattress.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Says Yes to Petting, and No to the Nets Playoff Spot

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Should you pet on a first date? If both parties are consenting mature adults?
-Woody


Dear Woody,
If I may venture an attempt at humor: Exactly who is the Woody asking the question? Get it? Woody? Petting? ...No huh? Ok, then nevermind.

There is no problem with petting on a first date if both parties are consenting. In fact I encourage petting. First base is cool, but if you can hit a triple on your initial at bat then keep running them bases until the "third base coach" tells you to hold up. If you can get home on your first try, then just let Woody be Woody, homeboy.

Dear Pretentious:
Is there any chance the Nets get a playoff spot?
-Nets Fan in NY

Dear Net Fan in NY,
They have a slim chance, since Philly is currently holding that eighth spot and are 1-½ games ahead of Jersey at this time. In Philly’s last five games, they will have to go on the road and beat the Indiana Pacers and the Nets themselves. They will also have a tough home game against Eastern Conference powerhouse the Miami Heat. As for the Nets, there are two ways they can sneak into the playoffs:

1. Play their little hearts out. Don’t come out half excited, which is what sub-par teams have a tendency to do when it’s on the line. They have three tough games out of there last four; Philly and Boston at home and the Washington Wizards on the road. All three of these teams have gotten hot down the stretch, and have achieved playoff berths for this season. So the Nets have to act like they want it and go for it. It’s just that simple.

2. Tie breakers. Even though this is the sissy way of getting into the playoffs, it is a possibility. The seven and eight spots are currently being held by the Cleveland LeBron James, ahem... that is the Cleveland Cavaliers; and the Sixers. Luckily the Nets did win both of their season series' against these teams, even though the Sixers have a better record than the Nets in Atlantic Division standings. A tie would move the Nets into the eighth spot, the Sixers in seventh, and eliminate LeBron. And I do mean LeBron; (who would question that he is the entire team?)

For the Nets a tiebreaker and the playoff spot would be their way of tripping over a basketball court and into the dance backwards. But hey! They have been walking pretty much backwards all season. Good luck Nets Fan. I wouldn't hold your breath.

Don't you think it's funny that they charge you 50 bucks for a "cheap seat," 8 bucks for a beer, and then if they hit a ball to you in the crowd they let you keep it?
-A. Nonymous
Harrison, NY

Dear A. Nonymous,
If you think that’s funny then you need a hobby. I see your point, though, that the ball should be the most expensive thing. Yeah, great. But really who cares?

Just sit there, shut up and enjoy the fact you're watching a game. I can't even get Yankee tickets unless I buy them from Mark and Matt. And trust me, they're the best damn scalpers I have ever met. Hopefully you get hit with a ball at your next game so you can’t ask anymore-stupid questions. or maybe you make an attempt on a ball and end in a brawl with Gary Sheffield. See if it's free when you're posting bail. Lesson to be learned: nothing in pro sports is free unless it's free refirgderator magnet day.

See y’all next time for week four of Ask Khalid on Pretentious Sports. Out.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

Friday, April 15, 2005

BREAKING NEWS!: PretentiousSports First to Learn Identity of Fighting Sox Fan!

reported by Dan Dellicarpini, PretentiousSports.com staff writer

I’m all for rivalries. It makes sports exciting and it gives the fans a little bit something extra during home games. But when fans decide to act like savages and ruin the flow of a perfectly good sporting event, they should be punished.

Think of Steve Bartman, the Cubs fan who is probably in hiding now. Think of the lone cup-thrower who caused a near riot at the Pistons game. Think of that jerk who decided to take a swipe at Gary Sheffield last night. Actually, don’t just think about him; call him. Write him a letter. Leave a note outside his door to tell him the baseball-watching population doesn't agree with him interfering in the game, punch or not, knocking off Gary's hat or not, being possessed by the ghost of Ted Williams. There was no excuse for him hitting Sheffield in the face.

Through insider information, PretentiousSports.com has learned his identity. We're happy to say this is a PretentiousSports exclusive and we are the first to break this story.

The alleged punch-thrower:

Chris House - 171 Walnut St, Dorchester, MA 02122 (calls to Mr. House were rejected due to a full voicemail).

Many say that when you’re an outfielder, you have to learn to take a lot of verbal abuse from fans. No one ever said anything about having to defend yourself from a barrage of fists and slaps and beer throwing. Gary Sheffield was the real man in that situation last night, keeping his cool and maintaining his integrity as a ballplayer in a way that Ron Artest couldn't.

Mr. House has no integrity. He’s a chump. A “fan” who wanted attention.

Well, now you’ve got it Chris.

Remember, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

THAT'S LYPHE: NBA Steroid Testing is a Joke

written by Khalid Washington

This steroid thing is about two exits past "Out of Hand" on the absurd highway. Right about now, we're pushing the boundaries of the insane in pro sports, the way the Zucker brothers pushed the boundaries of the insane in airplanes in, well... Airplane! of course.

Ok, so let's admit to the obvious. We all suspected that McGuire, Sosa and Bonds were up to something. Not just the adults knew it, I'm talking adults, kids, senior citizens, grandma, mildly intelligent pacific dolphins... EVERYBODY everything. So, when we got wind of tougher policies being developed for the MLB and NFL with their drug policies, we thought, “That probably makes sense.” When the Olympic committee was asked to step in and set an example for a tougher steroid policy for the world I thought, “Okay, the exces and commishes in the NFL and MLB are grown men, but fine. Do what you must and set an example. It can't really hurt, can it?”

But the news I just heard takes the cake. It is reported that Congress now wants to impose their will on the NBA. Yes, that’s right folks: Congress wants to review the NBA’s drug testing policy and the penalties that the league enforces in the instance someone gets caught breaking the rules. This is ridiculous for various reasons. Firstly, may I suggest they test the NBA for marijuana first? And when they do, test Latrell Spreewell and Chris Webber first. But don’t test them for steroids.

The NBA was the most notable in the new House Government Reform Committee’s search and siege mission. They are also asking for drug testing and enforcement info from Major League Soccer, The ATP (who? -ed.), USA Track & Field and the U.S. Soccer Federation.

They are really going way too far with this whole investigation. And how stupid is it to call this the Steroid Era? I mean, there are one or two guys you suspect, one or two get caught here and there. That’s makes this the Steroid Era? HA! That is absolutely insane. Not to take anything away from the legends of our great American games, but if they could cheat, trust me they would do it too, and many of them admitted to it. Whitey Ford of the Yankees admitted to scuffing baseballs. Babe Ruth owned a corked bat. Mickey Mantle... well, Mickey was drunk as hell.

Everybody has and will continue to cheat. It’s a part of life. As the saying goes, all is fair in love and war; or in this case Love and Basketball. Congress is acting like every athlete is sitting around at a black tie function or an afternoon shin-dig in the Hamptons and swiping Hypodermic needles from a servant’s tray and enjoying their fill of the juice. Perhaps they could develop an image like that from their high priced mistresses at their sophisticated and urbane cocaine parties. Hmm. Or maybe the Congresspersons are jealous of specimens such as these players and the fact that they are probably 100% naturally built the way they are.

I personally feel that testing in the NBA is ludicrous. It is well documented that the primary effect of steroids is bulk, so why would a basketball player want bulk? Wouldn’t he want to be as lean as possible to help make him more capable of getting up and down the court? The more weight or muscle mass you have to move, the more energy you have to use to get it done. Make sense? I think so. In my feeble-minded opinion, steroids’ testing in basketball is a joke.

Yet and still, Congress feels that it is necessary to put their hands on something else and perhaps ruin it for all American people. Somebody should test Congress’ brain functionality to make sure their batteries are not running low. I mean look at what has happened in the past few years:

*President Bush and Congress concur to spend billions on a war that ends up being more about revenge for Dubya’s pops than oil and terrorist threats

*We have further concluded that the Social Security tax dollars that are being collected from Generation’s X&Y will probably be depleted when Gen X&Y are eligible to retire and collect

*During the Dubya’s Presidential tenure, we still haven’t had any real effective action taken in regards to homeland issues such as welfare, homelessness, poverty, violence, etc.

All of this and they feel it is absolutely necessary to go after a bunch of over-paid athletes because they might have developed bigger biceps and craniums over the years? Like I said before, yes there are some players who have cheated, but is that really a government issue more than a NFL, MLB, NBA issue? Definitely not.

The one person that I can appreciate in this entire situation is NBA Commish David Stern. I’m actually surprised that I support his opinion in regards to this matter. He is cooperating with the government to report testing to them and feels that the NBA should enhance testing times throughout the league. He is noted to say that he wants to “Eliminate that even as a question," in the minds of Congress. I think that’s the way you shut these idiots up. Give them what they want and let them leave you the hell alone. No matter how dumb their request turns out be.

Orlando Magic star Grant Hill remembers when Michael Jordan returned from his brief stint with baseball’s Chicago White Sox. Hill says, “He got stronger, maybe a little heavier, and that may have helped him with his hitting. But I think it hurt him on the basketball court when he first came back. After, he came back (the following season) not quite as big, not quite as heavy, and he was great again. Muscles and extra weight and extra size are not conducive to what basketball is all about."

In other words, go find something better to do than test the NBA. You’re wasting your time.

The government probably has a million other things they could be doing to make this a better country, other than stressing a bunch of athletes about what they do to make themselves better players. So say it with me friends; Are steroids wrong? Of course they are wrong. Is this the government’s problem? Hell Naw. Get a clue people! Let the league handle this issue. I sincerely hope that my hard earned Social Security money is not going into this invasion of sports in the Steriods Era. Perhaps that itself, is in need of an investigation.

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Soldiers Want Porn

written by Dan Dellicarpini

There’s a stupid war being fought in a savage land; maybe you’ve heard of it- it’s called Iraq 2: George’s Revenge. It’s been on all the news channels for a while now, and a bunch of good people from our side have died. It’s ok though, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from war, it’s that when Bush comes to shove, it’s completely ok to trade blood for oil.

I have a good friend in the Marines who’s stationed in the Middle East (this may be a good time to note that there is currently a Middle East and a Far East, but no West East. Can something be done about this?). Since he got there seven months ago, I’ve gotten one email from him detailing his situation and that he wouldn’t be able to write emails for quite some time, as computers were few and far between. Then, after an extended period of silence from him, all of a sudden I received this gem of an e-mail in my inbox the other day. A mere two lines long, this message might be the most important bit of communication I have received all year. The message, in its entirety:

“Don’t know when I’m coming back. Send porn. With penetration.
Go to American Trash on 1st and send some of their beef jerky.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first, straight from the horse’s mouth: Soldiers want porn. So now, I ask all readers of Pretentious Sports to band together and get some quality pornography to our soldiers overseas. Not socks, not supplies, not even a nice note telling them you think they’re doing a good job. They will have none of that. Just some good old-fashioned, made in the USA hardcore porn (with penetration, of course), and if you’ve got some extra stamps, you might as well send some beef jerky too. I mean, it’s the least we could do.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FOR PRETENTIOUS

We'd like to announce that a dot com address is in the works. I guess we'll have to change that tag line "The Blog so Pretentious, We're Calling Ourselves a Dot Com!" It's a price we're willing to pay, though.

With the launching of the dot com, expect also "author pages" archiving posts by Pretentious' contributors. Stay tuned...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/10/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

what the PretentiousSports world was talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung

BASEBALL IS BACK - Get out your sunglasses, sunflower seeds, and fry up those barbeques and hypodermic needles baby: the season's here!

TIGER LEADS THE MASTERS - Tiger edged out Chris DiMarco for the lead to end Saturday. It was a dramatic comeback for Tiger... well, as dramatic as a bunch of badly dressed yuppies hitting a golf ball could be. NOTE: I know what some of you are saying, golf is a skill... Yes, but that doesn't make it a sport. Me beating Grand Theft Auto III on Playstation is a skill, but it's not a sport.

CHICAGO BULLS CLINCH PLAYOFF SPOT - The Bulls surprised everyone after starting the season 0-9. It's the first time they've made the playoffs since the Michael Jordan era. The only difference is back then, the Bulls actually had a chance to advance.

NICKLAUS PLAYS LAST MASTERS - The all-time winningest Masters golfer has played his last. In a related and equally exciting story, I have retired from playing Grand Theft Auto III on Playstation.

NEW YORK METS OPEN SEASON 0-5 - New York starts the season off on the wrong foot after two very high profile offseason signings and a billing campaign as the "New Mets." Well, I'll be the first to say, somebody get the old Mets back... QUICK!

BO JACKSON SUES NEWSPAPER OVER STEROID ACCUSATIONS - I almost was going to say "Bo knows the civil suit process," but I wouldn't stoop that low for a comment.

T.O. WANTS TO REDO HIS CONTRACT - After a high profile season in Philadelphia which cemented his superstar status, he wants the Eagles to restructure his deal. In a related story, Eagles fans want a restructuring of the final minutes of this year's Super Bowl.

YANKS' RIVERA BLOWS 4TH SAVE IN ROW TO RED SOX - Insert "Who's your Daddy?" joke here.

ESPN PICKS TWINS TO WIN WORLD SERIES - Come on ESPN, just let the Cubbies get one.... please?

CAVS END SKID, STAY IN PLAYOFF DOGFIGHT - Lebron scored 40 points in a win over the Bucks. The win, the Cavs first win in four games, keeps the Cavs in playoff contention for a spot with Philly and New Jersey. In other words, the Cavs are fighting for the "terrible team" spot in the playoffs.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Talks NBA, Fine Wines, and Dating Game Expertise

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Hey there, kiddies! For week two of me handling your "Ask Pretentious" questions, we have everything from NBA to me sharing my Dating Game expertise. If you have a question you'd like answered by Pretentious, e-mail to pretentiousports@gmail.com (leave of the second "s" for savings). Maybe your question will be answered here!

We begin...

Dear Pretentious:
Who's your pick to go all the way in the NBA this season?
-Alberto, Alabama

Dear Alberto,
It's hard to say who will go all the way this year. I feel as if the West is wide open since the Lakers are not the powerhouse they were for the past few years. But, if I had to pick anybody from the West, it would be between Phoenix and San Antonio. A Steve Nash led Phoenix has what it takes to make it.

The East has also gotten better from last year with the addition of Shaquille O'Neal, so I wouldn't sleep on the Miami Heat's chances to bring the title home. O'Neal, along with the surge of second year man Dwayne Wade has the Heat looking like contenders for at least the next three years. The Heat's biggest hurdle is the blue collar style ball of the defending world champion Detroit Pistons. As opposed to the Heat's two big stars, they have a starting five that are not super stars, but at each position they can get the job done and know how to play team basketball. This is a team of gutsy, smash mouth defenders as well. And that could be a threat to a Heat team that has only two stars and a long list of role players and sub par back ups.

So in the end I say:

Detroit wins the East.

Phoenix wins the West.

Detroit Pistons in 6 Games.

Dear Pretentious:
Do you think it's a cuisine faux pas to serve red wine with a light fish? Like sole or something like that?
-A concerned Cook

Dear Concerned Cook,
From a playa's perspective, I would have to go with a white wine. You might say it is a faux pas to serve red. Why would you want to? It will only clash with a light fillet of sole on your pallet. That rough red will basically burn the light butter melted on the side and would probably drown the asparagus in a slimy purple paste. Red wine is not for a fish, especially not a light filet!

I recommend a nice Berringer. and steamed asparagus covered in a light mushroom sauce always works well with a Sole or even meatier fish like a broiled Salmon.

But, ahem, that's information that I got from a friend of mine. I wouldn't know anything about cooking.

Dear Pretentious,
Ok. Here is the deal... I do not know these girls.

We smelled some pizza coming from their place on Saturday, so my roommate Tony and I went up there... We had met these girls a few times, but never hung out with them. To make a long story short, we eat the pizza, and then we tell them they should come out and hang out with us.

So we go out and I start hanging out with this girl, and I know, like I KNOW right away... everyone knows right away. We all know that you know.

This girl is not bad looking, but I don't find myself knocked out by her either. Cause I'm shallow and that's all that matters isn't it? So we start dancing, if you would call it that (it was like that dance from "Can't Buy me Love" the African Ant Eater dance). Before I know it I am making out with this girl on the dance floor, like all over. That is when I blacked out.

Complete blackout. So bad the girl and her roommate drove me home. Or so they say. I don't even remember.

Now, my question is what do I do now? It's not like I can avoid these people, they live above me, like 15 feet away. I can hear them walking right now as I type!

Should I

A. Go and say hello today and just be cool?

B. Should I hide, and avoid them?

C. Have sex with the girl even though she lives in the apartment above me? That could get messy...

Dear Lex,
First of all, alcohol and women shouldn’t really go together. 90% of the time it will lead to those infamous words, “How the hell did I end up here?” But anyway, it’s in your best interest to go with Plan A. In other words, you should at least go upstairs and have a conversation with the young lady. Don't make yourself look like a punk and not say anything. If you keep quiet you are a punk or a dog and trust me, you don't want to look like that anybody...especially your female neighbor. Keep in mind that she is the same neighbor that will see you enter and exit that same building with other women. And if she catches them alone one day then your "bizness" is out there for any new visitor to know. (For reference, go rent the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy).

If you are going to execute Plan C above, make sure you let her know the deal from Jump Street. Tell her, "Look, I think you're cool. I'm not looking to get serious, let's just be friends and see where it goes."

That way if you hit, she can never say she thought it was something that it wasn't. Feel me?
Oh by the way, a wise man (is he talking about me again? -ed.) once told me advice is not really advice. It’s what we felt all along; we just needed somebody to push us in the right direction. Pulse off that one doggy. And don’t forget whatever you choose: strap it up, Playa!

As always, love, peace and keep it Pretentious. I’m out.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@hotmail.com

KNOW YOUR PRETENTIOUS GUYS: Cousin Paul

PART 1 IN A SERIES PROFILING THE CONTRIBUTORS TO PRETENTIOUSSPORTS.COM
THIS INSTALLMENT: Cousin Paul

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
Cousin Paul a.k.a. St. Paul a.k.a. Evil Paul a.k.a. Shameless Plug Paul http://pretentioussports.blogspot.com/ a.k.a. Half the Paul I used to be.

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?
Pants? I'm not wearing any pants... Silly question.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Those voices in my head.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Coffee.... yes, it was so bad I ate it.

5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No, I think most of them are a** holes.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
100% awesome.

8. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My cousin Jon.

9. FAVORITE SPORT?
Bocce.

10. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

11. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No.

12. FAVORITE MONTH?
Honestly, I don't have a favorite month. Favorite months are played out like Texas Hold'em on ESPN.

13. FAVORITE FOOD?
Falafell. Yes, falafell. Dont forget your roots.

14. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
25th Hour. It was ok, though kind of drawn out. He goes to jail in the end. Save your money.

15. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
This year? April 2nd. I am partial to days when I drink for free. and have the right to get creepy and no one holds it against me.

16. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER?
Punch people. Usually in the face. Sometimes just push people. And sometimes I knit. Usually pot holders or scarves.

17. FAVORITE SLEEPING POSITION?
On top

18. HUGS OR KISSES?
Whats that?

19. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Chocolate. I really don't like either. I am a Strawberry fan.

20. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
I have a Dog. She sleeps in my bed, and yes, I mean this in a sexual way.

21. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Two weeks ago.

22. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Drugs, shoes, dogbones.

23. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Drank, got creepy with someone who will be left nameless.

24. FAVORITE SMELL?
Coconut.

25. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Myself, and how AWESOME I am.

26. WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?
Mayonnaise, the ghost of Terri Schiavo, bad hairdays & baggy jeans.

27. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN?
No Popcorn. It goes right to my thighs.

28. FAVORITE CAR?
Geo F'n Metro, baby!

29. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Gerbera daisy. Yes, I have a favorite flower.

30. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Six.

31. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Monday morning.

32. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
Two.

33. HOW MANY PLACES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
Seven.

34. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 3
Just the US.

35. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
New Haven CT. Killa Con baby.

36. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
April 3rd, the same day as Eddie Murphy, coincidently enough the day MLK Jr. was shot.

37. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
Three.

Friday, April 08, 2005

BEYOND THE MATT: "I'm Embarassed to be a Yankee Fan"

written by Matt Lungariello

Imagine if Wayne Gretzky was booed in the later part of his career while his skills were diminishing. Imagine if Michael Jordan was booed for sub par play during his return to the Washington Wizards. More specifically, imagine if Don Mattingly were booed at Yankee Stadium when he made his dramatic return from countless back injuries to find himself drowning in a slump (and perhaps an inability to perform at the level he had become accustomed to playing at). Hard to imagine. None of these things took place... COULD take place... Yet an even bigger injustice occurred on April 6, 2005: Mariano Rivera was booed while walking back to the home dugout at Yankee Stadium.

*******

I can’t remember the last time Joe Torre was forced to take Mariano out of an inning in which he started. Yes, he was in deep trouble and couldn’t seem to find a way to get the outs he needed to end the inning. Yes, it was pitching against the same team that he blew two consecutive saves against in the ALCS last year, and whom he has blown his first save opportunity of the season to one day prior. But it was also the World Champions. The best team in Baseball!

Later, “Yankee Fans” on ESPN radio claimed that they weren’t booing Mariano Rivera as much as they were booing his performance. Well, thanks callers! I can finally tell the difference between the fans that were on hand to see Dion James and Matt Nokes bat third and fourth, and the ones who were diehard fans the moment they stepped onto the field to face the Texas Rangers in the ALDS in 1996. These TRUE Yankee fans who I sit with in section 10 in the left field upper deck “nose bleeds” would never, and will never boo the man that we can thank our 10-year run of success for. It wouldn’t matter how badly he performed, he has earned himself a lifetime boo-free-pass in our house. He has, without a doubt, been the biggest reason that the Yankees have been able to compete at such a high level year in and year out. He is the best player to ever play his position and been the most clutch performer in the biggest spots on the biggest stages in the world.

He is the only pitcher to be standing on the mound for the final out of the World Series for four consecutives seasons. He did it with ease against players that were taking steroids, studying films of his pitches (or should I say pitch), and he did it without showing off, pumping his fist, or acting surprised.

“That’s my job,” he said after pitching three scoreless innings to earn the win and series MVP in the all important game 7 on the 2003 ALCS against the rival Boston Red Sox. I guess he’s right. Over the years, fans have become accustomed to Mo being so automatic that they forgot what a risky business being a MLB closer is. Now fans are saying that he is finished, or that he has a mental block against the Red Sox being that he has blown four consecutive save opportunities to them. The argument that says that he has lost some of his dominance is somewhat true, in that 3 pitches and 3 broken bats later the inning and the game is not always over. But, last season he reached his highest save total of his absolutely incomparable career. He had 53 saves in 57 chances along with a 1.93 era. That’s a real "drop-off." Similar to the "drop-off" that Alex Rodriguez had last year when he came to the Yankees and posted a 286 batting average 36 homers and 106 RBIs. We should all have such bad seasons. When a player has great seasons over and over, people begin to expect it. So it goes with Mo.

It is a somewhat fair, or at least fairer assumption to expect better 2004 seasons from both Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez more so than Mo because last year AROD and Jeets were 28 and 29 years old and apparently just reaching the primes or their careers. Rivera’s prime has passed and "all" he has to show for it is 4 World Series rings, 6 All Star Appearances, 1999 Babe Ruth Award, 3 Rolaids relief man of the year awards, finished outside the top 5 in total saves twice in his 8 years as closer, 1999 World Series MVP, 2003 ALCS MVP, top 3 in Cy Young voting 3 times, and top 25 in MVP voting 6 times which is the most impressive because the award is usually reserved for position players. Other than that, he hasn’t done much. So I guess it wasn't staggering when he topped his own personal best last year. It didn't mean anything. He's done. Boo!

Although I would never boo Derek Jeter personally, I can understand why someone would more than Mariano Rivera, only because we know that Jeter is better than the way he was playing, he was 29 years old. Mariano is going to be 36 this year, he is 10 lbs soaking wet, and was, along with Pedro Martinez, considered freaks of nature for being as tiny as they were yet pitched as well as they did. I guess there is something in the water in those Caribbean Islands, which is probably why everyone tells us not to drink their water when we visit.

If Mariano is really finished and can no longer pull his weight closing ballgames, fans should cheer him louder than usual: win, lose, or draw. That would make it their last chance to let him know how important he has been to the team, to us, and to what the team and its fans have become. A consistent Juggernaut. The booing "fans" should be embarrassed that if Mariano retires tomorrow, their boos are what he would hear in his head for the rest of his life.

I think Mr. Torre said it best after the game, "I think it's inexcusable if the boos were from Yankee fans because they wouldn't be crawling all over themselves to get into this ballpark if it weren't for him." I don’t need any votes or trophies to tell you that since 1996, Mariano Rivera is the MVP of the entire league, much less the MVP of the Yankees.

Yankees Pitching Coach Mel Stottlemyre said, "I was very surprised by that. Everything he's done here and in this ballpark, I was shocked. But that's New York." No it isn’t... or at least I thought it wasn't. I thought that New York fans were better than that. Mattingly was cheered until his last plate appearance in 1995. His last productive year was in 1989, and don’t get me wrong he had some great moments and decent seasons, but didn’t have a great full season since 1989. I agree the man should be cheered forever, but so should Mariano. Like Donnie, Mariano has given us everything that he has inside him, everything he is worth. Brought us titles, which Donnie Ballgames never did, yet Mo’s getting booed for two blown saves. I thought New York fans were better than this and maybe the real fans are. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe these are just the same business idiots who sit field level now and who in 1989 would have been across the city at Shea Stadium instead. Maybe... And I actually hope it is just those people who've piled on the bandwagon.

****

It was the first series of the season. If Mo is finished, we wont know until June or July anyway, and just to erase any doubts you may have about Mo pitching to the Red Sox; All this talk routes back to the 2004 ALCS against the Red Sox, where he had 2 saves, pitched 7 innings, surrendered 6 hits and one earned run. That’s a 1.29 era. His blown save against the Red Sox in the 2nd game of the ’05 season was on a solo home run to Jason Varitek. It was an inside cutter which was a ball but V-Tech was waiting for it. Perhpas more blame lays with the catcher Jorge Posada for not noticing where the batter was standing, yet calling for that pitch. If V-Tech took the pitch, Mo would have hit Posada’s target without Posada moving his mitt, doesn’t sound like a bad pitch to me.

Familiarity happens when two teams are playing each other for the 54th time in the past two years. Thank God for the balanced schedule. Even the Blue Jays have forced blown saves here and there against Rivera. Its bound to happen when you face the same team 19 times a year excluding the playoffs. If you noticed the at-bat prior to Variteks, Mo made Renteria (often considered one of the most clutch players in the game who signed a 10 mill contract months ago) look like a High School reserve striking him out with ease. Did Rivera age that much from one batter to the next? The Yankees faced Pedro Martinez often throughout his tenure with the Red Sox and a lot more of the same thing. Eventually, the Yanks figured some things out, and Pedro failed to be as dominant as he was to the rest of the league. Even the "lowly" Baltimore Orioles were even known to have their way with him on occasion. Thank God for that balanced schedule. The balanced schedule that sees the Yankees play the Mets 6 times a year, and in some cases, the Sox don’t play them at all, but we all know that Selig may as well be in a funeral home before he steps into a board room. I digress…..again…

Rivera said in an interview that after the Varitek homer that he will need to make adjustments, and as we know fate is without a sense of irony, Mo finds himself the next day in a one run game in the 9th against the Sox. He begins using his 2 seam fastball which he introduced into game play last year, but never mastered. The mastery of this pitch would allow him to move to the opposite corner. The pitch is designed to sway to the right as opposed to the cutter which “cuts” to the left. A dangerous weapon that he was unable to “work on” last year, because of how late it was in the season when the Sox “got his number,” and the importance of each win, as the Yankees were fighting for a division title and homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Why didn’t he work on this pitch during the offseason or the preseason, you ask?

Mariano’s preparation throughout his career has never changed. He doesn’t pick up a baseball during the offseason. Not once. It has worked and I am not about to change that now. This preseason, just as Mo was gaining arm strength, he was hit with an injury and banned from any pitching at all. Right now early in the season: this his spring training. Working on his new pitch during a regular season game might seem dumb, but it would be a lot dumber working on that pitch in the midst of another September pennant race.

“So he lost control, “ as Stots put it, "I don't want to say he lost his cool, but he definitely lost his command." That’s a fact, but people need something to write about (like me), and “Yankee Fans” need something to complain about and that will never change. It’s a great story, and its exactly why the Yankees and the Red Sox should never play against each other in the first month of the season. Besides for the fact that the Yankees are wasting sellouts (the Sox sellout their kitchen size area everyday anyway), the Yankees were going to sellout their ballpark whether they were playing the Devil Rays or the Sox on the opening series so why play now? Save these sellouts for when they mean something. For when Schilling and Johnson can matchup, Moose against Wells in the dog days of summer. Not when Manny is going 0-8, and when AROD and Sheff are still finding their strokes. What's next for Selig in 2006. scheduling the playoffs before the regular season is played?

I will no longer consider myself a Yankee Fan, I will call myself part of the Yankee faithful. I don’t want to be considered a Yankee fan if Yankee fans boo Mo, and maybe the Sox fans are right about us, I meant to say, YOU. This writer thinks that Mariano has a lot left. He will continue saving games because that’s his job. Mariano has learned from his mistakes and in professional sports, these people are few and far between. In 1997, his first year as closer, he blew a save in game 4 to the Cleveland Indians in the ALDS, and the Yanks went on to lose game 5 and the series without Mo stepping onto the rubber in the finale.

He was quoted afterwards, “I wish it was next year, because I want to show everyone that I am better than this. I am better than this. You will see. I will show everyone that I am good.” He did, he bounced back and proved everyone wrong. The closer position along with the designated hitter is often questioned as to whether there should be a place for them in the Hall of Fame. Regardless, one thing that stands alone in this argument is that Mariano Rivera is one of very few active Hall of Famers.

Yet, he is receiving the boos that Tom Gordon, Paul Quantrill, Jason Giambi, Javier Vasquez, Kevin Brown, Hideki Matsui (I take it back), Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez, and even Jeter/Posdada/B.Williams/Torre deserve more for their performances in the historic choke of 2004. Because no matter what happened in previous years, no matter who played bad and who made the big mistakes, they always had Mariano waiting in the pen to pick up the pieces.

It's time to turn everyone's heads…..again, Mariano. To enter the Stadium blasting "Enter Sandman" to a crowd that doesn’t understand why you are the Sandman. And if you don't bounce back like you always do, then it is time for everyone to put the red carpet out for the man that has accomplished what NO ONE else will ever accomplish. To sing "Enter Sandman" with joy, and appreciate seeing the epitome of guts, glory, and grace under pressure bless us with his presence.

We will all be able to tell our grandchildren that we saw the sandman pitch in person. You would also fail to mention you booed him on his way out. Red Sox players (who apparently “own him”) and fans alike say that he is the best ever, that he is the best at what he does, the best to ever dig in to any pitchers mound in existence.

So Mo: Its time to yet again prove what you are and what you are made of. Even if it's to a group of frontrunners that will never understand anyway.

*********************

Quick Yankees Notes

Arod after the game, “I blew it for him. I picked up the ball and was going to throw to second, bobbled it, and knew I still had time to get one out at home. Bobbled it again. I couldn’t have messed up that play worse than I did.”

Jeter was taken to the hospital one inning after running for himself after he was hit in the head with a pitch. "He heard some ringing in his ears. He felt a little woozy," Torre said. "Timlin wasn't trying to hit him. He was just trying to rush a little, and his ball was all over the place." Whether or not the pitch was intentional, three games down, five Yankee batters hit, zero Sox batters hit.
My brother/friend said, “When people come to the Yankees, they automatically cannot pitch to David Ortiz.” I say, “When people come to the Yankees, they automatically forget how to hit people. Preferably in the head.” Upper Deck Matty says, “Hitem, Hitem In the head!” After all is said and done, Yankees take the series 2-1. Three great performances by the three starting pitchers. Newcomers Randy Johnson and Carl Pavano particularly impressive. Randy, because of the 40 degree gametime temperature which isn’t supposed to agree with him or his bad legs. Pavano because he was able to shut down an amped up defending champion Red Sox lineup that was seemingly out for blood. He was able to put the energy that was pumping through him up toward getting Red Sox batters out. Moose didn’t have his good stuff, kept them in the game, and they went into the 9th with the lead. Centanni. Torre for putting Sierra in the Opening Night lineup instead of Tino. Torre for pitching Pavano game 2 instead of game

3. Sierra because he knew that it was important to have Tino announced as starter before the game for fan’s sake, yet starting Sierra instead because of his numbers against Wells, and it allowed Giambi to play 1st base, and its better to expose Giambi as an incapable defender now as opposed to July or August. Pavano game 2, not because he is the number 2 starter, if the playoffs started today, Moose would get the game 2 nod. But because this allowed Torre to send Moose to the hill game 1 at Fenway when the Sox raise the championship banner in front of an extremely hostile Boston crowd.

He made sure he called the Moose and Pavano (who won't be nickname-less for long) into his office to tell them, “I want Carl to feel the daytime stadium like this, and I don’t want anyone pitching that game at Fenway except you.” Quote from Moose’s mouth. Both players appreciated it, and it is always better to pitch the vet in that situation. Besides, Randy may be the big game pitcher on this team, but Moose is OUR big game pitcher. That’s exactly why Torre doesn’t manage Baseball players, he manages men. Jaret Wright will be better than people think. Everyone knows what to expect from Johnson, Pavano, and Moose. No one knows what to expect from Wright. Some said his signing was a mistake (a 21 million dollar mistake). First off, the third year of his contract is an option year, so it would be a 14 million dollar mistake, but we have already mentioned New York’s soulless conception of professional baseball. Secondly, why is everyone so sure that he is the next Vasquez or Weaver? That he will choke in the New York spotlight? He controlled the Yankees in 1997 when the Indians advanced passed them in the regular season and playoffs. Besides, this man was in the witness protection program! He disappeared for two years. He had his arm reconstructed, yet enjoyed the best season of his career as ace of the division winning Atlanta Braves. He has guts and I am proud to have him on the team that I root for.

Hideki Matsui homered during game two which I attended. The scoreboard read Gonezilla. Section 10, Row H 15-18 call him Hideki BATsui, any language you're speaking, ask yourself how good is this guy? Yours only as a, Yankee Faithful

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

MILLER TIME NO MORE!: Knicks Fans Should be Ashamed to Cheer for Miller

written by John Raimondo

1995 Eastern Conference Semis: Game 1
Sixteen seconds to go with the Knicks leading 105-99. All over, right? Not if it is Miller Time!

Miller pops a three and hits. Then he steals the inbounds pass from Anthony Mason and hits another three tying the game at 105 a piece with 13 seconds left. Miller then hits two free throws as the crowd watches in stunned disbelief as Greg Anthony slips and falls while driving to the basket, never getting off a shot before the buzzer.

****

That was one of the hardest games to watch as a Knicks fan, on the level of sheer pain as Charles Smith missing 5 lay-up attempts against the Bulls and Ewing missing the last second finger roll.
I won't lie. I'm an unabashed Knicks fan. Which basically means straight up that I hate Reggie Miller. I hate him. I hate Reggie Miller and all that he stands for. He's a "Chucker," with his awkward jump shot, legs contorted and awkward in the air and his arms crossed and tangled as he released his natural born talent. OK: man, he really killed the Knicks time and time again. Maybe that's why I hate him. But it doesn't change a thing.

Luckily, as Knicks fan, Miller's "chucking days" are over. So what if the Knicks season is over as well. From 1993-2000, the Knicks and Pacers matched up in some of the city's greatest playoff games (aside from the great Chicago rivalry). Each series evened out at three series wins a piece. But it wasn't just his playoff antics that made me hate him. Even his regular season games against the Knicks always seemed to have that dramatic playoff feel.

One last great memory I can always hold true to my heart would have to be the 1999 playoffs when LJ hit the three and was fouled, and made possibly the greatest shot I have ever seen in my lifetime as a Knicks fan (there aren't many great moments lately). That event was doubly pleasing because it was against Reggie and the Pacers. I remember swearing obscenely, mostly directed at Miller and punching the hell out of the T.V. whenever Miller's ugly face appeared (how I hate him). His miserable 1-8 from three land in the fourth quarter was absolute bliss. He was his usual "chucking" self that game. I cackled maniacally for seven days, the way a Superman villain would.

Reggie Miller is my all time most hated NBA player, alongside P.J. Brown. I couldn't be more happy to see him leave the game. If anyone is a Knicks fan, I find it absolutely unacceptable to be a Miller fan. If you are, then you are the reason that Miller did so well against the Knicks during his career. You might as well accept full blame for Miller playing better than any of the Knicks at the Garden and you should be ashamed to favor this alien head man.

So what did the Garden crowd do at Miller's last game against the Knicks? The crowd cheered for Miller at the Garden last night and booed the Knicks. Well, the Knicks deserve it after yet another miserable season. But no Knicks fan should have cheered Miller. Never cheer Miller. Never ever cheer on Miller!

It would have been bliss for the entire Knicks world if Miller's legs fell off and his arms combusted last night. That is something to cheer about. If we couldn't get our true revenge on him, at least we could prevent him to going to the playoffs too. Then we could hang him from his jersey from the top of MSG, the way savages used to hang criminals in the town square. We wouldn't have to hurt him, just hang him there, get a hot dog from the concession stand every three days and in the meantime every game, Knicks win or loss, we just throw tomatoes and beer at Reggie Miller. That would get me excited about the Knicks again. But no, people are cheering him. They should be ashamed.

By the way, anyone offended by this article obviously has not been a Knicks fan. And if you claim to be one, I have a spot where I can hang you by your jersey right next to Miller. Right where you belong at the top of MSG, next to Ewing's jersey maybe, eating a hot dog and being loathed and hated by any of the true blood Knicks faithful. Just as Miller should be... And is to the real fans out there.

THAT'S LYPHE: Dominique is a Hall of Famer

written by Khalid Washington

Writer’s note: Shout’s to Paul for the hookup on that Boldenone Undecylenate (see Paul's last post titled "Message to America - Do Steroids" for more information). I feel bigger and smarter already. Thanks, homeboy!

This just in from the Lyphe News Desk: Former Atlanta Hawks Star Dominique Wilkins snubbed in this year’s voting for the Basketball Hall of Fame…

Are you kidding me!? An avid b-ball fan in my childhood years, I clearly remember the man that the world knew as the Human Highlight Film. He amazed my friends and I with his off-the-wall dunks, most notably his own creation the “windmill” dunk. This man is a true legend in the NBA… How is he overlooked?

I sat in shock staring at the Pretentious Sports mortal enemy website.

The first thing I thought to myself was, “Those bastards at ESPN had something to do with this!”

With their stupid vote for this guy and give your opinion to that guy crap they continuously push on their readers, and they decide to call it “journalism.” The nerve of them; they need some real articles and real journalists like our writers here at http://pretentioussports.blogspot.com (just in case you want to save that to your favorites for later). But back to these ESPN people…this entire “vote for me” and “tell us what you think” crap has got to stop. Oh wait, isn’t that something like the Dating Game when I asked for your opinion and to pretty, pretty please post a comment for me? Well, actually no, it isn’t the same thing. That’s totally different. Why? I don’t know, it would be damaging to my argument otherwise. Take my word for it.

But I digress. The point is Dominique is it. #21 for the Atlanta Hawks was a basketball icon in the 80’s and early 90’s. But the unfortunate reality is that some guy that was #23 and played for the Chicago Bulls in the same time span overshadowed his career. I mean Dominique was by far one of the best players the NBA has ever seen. Ever. Not just during that period. It’s sad that they are treating him this way. If there were never a Michael Jordan, trust me when I tell you that there would be a million kids on earth running around in a Gatorade commercial singing,
“If I could be like Dominique! I wanna be, I wanna be, and I wanna be!”

Well, maybe that doesn’t have the same ring to it, but I think the point is clear.

Just look at his resume:
-1982-All Rookie Team 17.5 points per game
-11 Consecutive Seasons of averaging 20 plus points per game
-9 Time NBA All Star
-1986 NBA Scoring Title with an average of 30.3 points per game
-1986 All NBA 1st Team
-All NBA 2nd Team in 1987, ’88, ’91 and ’93
-Holds the NBA record for hitting 23 straight free throws without a miss in a single game
-Retired from the NBA ranked 7th all time on the leading scorers list (26, 534 points)


I don’t know video game jocks that could put up numbers like that with their PS2 on novice level. So somebody else please give some love to this man. He is one of the best ever. I think the stats above should clearly prove that. So I can’t understand why he was snubbed in this years voting.

If Jordan’s reign during the same era is stopping Dominique from getting his respect, then it’s just not fair. I mean everyone has an archenemy during their run, don’t they?

Every sport, every era, (you can go and look it up); there is a best at the game. But they are only the best when they are better than somebody else from that era. If Jordan never existed, then it has to be Dominique Wilkins as the best player in the 80’s and 90’s. So once again, if rivalry has something to do with it, please voters just open your eyes and see what kind of mistake you’re making. While you do that I’m gonna go outside and respectfully practice my windmill dunk…that’s because Dominique was in my Hall of Fame the minute he called it quits.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Baseball's Back

written by Dan Dellicarpini

Baseball is back, and suddenly my life has some sort of meaning. I can’t really pin down the exact moment on Sunday when the void in my soul was filled; maybe it was when I saw Randy Johnson jog out to the mound in Pinstripes (really long pinstripes), maybe it was when Hideki Matsui stole a home run from Kevin Millar, or maybe it was the return of Tino Martinez, demonstrating his skill at first base and claiming The Stadium as his Home again. Maybe it was the sum of all three - I’m not sure - but something happened, and it filled that void left empty by the absence of the NFL and the NCAA basketball finals.

On Sunday evening, game time looming in the distance, something strange happened: I was experiencing a certain amount of nervousness and fear usually reserved for October. At around 7 p.m. EST, I was driving towards the PretentiousSports Headquarters for the game, looking for a suitable place to pull over and smoke a cigarette (the rain doesn’t allow for me to do so in my car). I felt anxiety creep up on me like it had done almost six months ago. It seemed like I was getting geared up for a playoff game, a savage match between bitter rivals, a ruthless bout between Good and Evil and not a standard Home Opener. Parked under an overhang at a local gas station, I briefly thought about the final game I had witnessed last season and the bitter taste it had left in my mouth. The bitterness would soon dissolve though, as I suddenly I heard someone shouting; the gas station attendant wasn’t too pleased to see I was smoking in such close proximity to the pumps. I got back in my car and sped off, leaving cigarette butts behind, but not the fear. Driving fast and thinking positive thoughts, I assured myself that even though this upcoming game was important, it would have little to no bearing on the 160 games that would follow it.

Sunday was not an ideal night to play baseball in New York. A cold rain came down during the evening and morale was down, because though Spring Training had been completed, Spring the Season was nowhere in sight. Weather didn’t stop anyone at Yankee Stadium though, and the game started without delay. Celebrities looking to be seen were out in full force, and the Yankees flexed their weight around the field for the better part of four hours. Even Derek Jeter (who had the first hit of the game off Wells) showed promise by not totally fucking anything up and keeping his average above last season’s opening average of .0001.

As the game came to a close (with the Yankees having walloped the Sox 9-2) my fears became assuaged. I realized what has been missing from my life these past months; I realized why I had gotten wrapped up in watching football and college basketball. To quote Senior Staff Writer Matt Lungariello, it was “…only because I couldn’t watch baseball.”

Here’s to another season.

Monday, April 04, 2005

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/4/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

what the PretentiousSports world is talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung

DIRTY SANCHEZ - Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Alex Sanchez is the first player to be suspended on MLB's new steroid testing policy. Sanchez, an off the bench player with 4 homeruns in his career, must have been using those steroids that make you weigh 180 pounds and suck.

RED SOX / YANKS OPEN MLB SEASON - Is it a surprise? The last two years, I'm surprised there are even other teams in the league aside from these two.

BARRY BONDS SAYS HE'S NOT RETIRING YET - He announced this after he received a standing ovation at a benefit he appeared at. Bonds also said that he wouldn't talk to the media anymore. Thanks, Bonds, that's one less load of B.S. we'll have to read in the papers. Now if only GWB decided to stop talking to the media...

POPE'S DEATH / NO SOCCER IN ITALY - As the Pope neared death, the Italian soccer leagues postponed all play until the weekend of mourning was over. But the Sinead Oconner soccer league was still in full, happy session.

NCAA FINALS - It's the first time the number one and two teams in the division face off in the finals. Which brings to light the fact that maybe those rating systems should be changed. I mean shouldn't the number one and two ALWAYS face off?

KOBE INJURED IN GAME AGAINST GRIZZLIES - The Lakers did what they do best this year: lose. Kobe left the game with a shin injury. If you think his shin is injured just imagine his ego when the Miami Heat are cruising through the playoffs while Kobe sits at home with a manicure.

GOLF MASTERS START THIS WEEK - If I could be a master of anything... it would not be golf. I'd rather be a Prop Master... or a Jedi Master... or even a Headmaster. Whatever. Not golf though.

KEVIN HARVICK WINS FIRST NEXTEL CUP RACE IN TWO YEARS - Harvick started last in the race and ended up winning. An incredible feat, especially since his left turn signal wasn't working since Exit 25.

ANOTHER MICHIGAN STATE RIOT - Thousands poured into the streets after Michigan's loss in the Final Four. What is it about a team you're watching losing that appeals to that primal urge to flip other people's cars over?

NCAAW FINALS - Michigan State and Baylor face off. These poor women, who are generally overshadowed by the men's teams, have to fight hard for a championship. And in the end, there is hope that in the future these women can play professionally and be overshadowed by the NBA too.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: Webber and the Sixers? Sounds familiar...

written by the Iron Lung

It all sounds familiar. A franchise hero and big name star in a struggling franchise up in years gets traded away to improve the club. The aged player packs his bags and goes elsewhere, not to help their new team contend, just to go off quietly into the night, like the way an old couple moves off to Florida in their retirement years. His purpose on the new team isn't to contribute, just to be a name. "Hey, we have Chris Webber! ...Well, he used to be Chris Webber a long time ago, but here he is in our house!" When the truth is finally revealed is when said superstar goes back to the franchise he will always be associated with and is more appreciated on his old court than in his new. Enter Monday's game where Chris Webber and the Sixers faced off against Sacramento.

Chris Webber was traded from his beloved Sacramento and sent the struggling Sixers. Many said that the trade would finally take some of the offensive responsibility off of Philly's Allen Iverson. But the truth is revealed again. The trade was a better move for Sacramento than it was for Philadelphia, that much is obvious. And Monday, with a seemingly ragged and elderly Webber taking the court in his old stomping grounds to cheers and ovations from fans... And for Webber to be visibly emotional about it and basically telling reporters "I wish I wasn't traded," and then put up a subpar outing to remind people why he was traded and not why they loved him so much in the first place... The truth is revealed... Chris Webber's career is over. We're passed the denouement. He's an old man at 32. The credits are already rolling in the biopic.

Which is not to say Chris Webber is the exact equivalent of Patrick Ewing in his post-Knicks days. But, Webber is pretty close. Even if he produces points, his usefulness is done. He isn't bringing the Sixers into the playoffs and hard work now doesn't seem to be ready to pay off later. His purpose here is to bring a name to go along with the Iverson product. Sure, Chris still has some gas in the tank, but what can Webber still accomplish? The truth, sadly, is nothing. His team, the Kings, the one they will remember him playing for, and now he is a nostalgia act like the Monkees still playing carnival tours. He has nothing new to add, and even if he does, it doesn't seem likely that Webber, whose De has been in steady decline since the new millennium began and whose offense is getting sloppy, will get traded to a team in contention any time soon. And maybe time's running out.

It's sad but it's true. Some of us hoped Webber could have sparked some life into both the team and maybe revitalize Webber. But, Monday's game, the "homecoming," showed that Webber's home is in Sacramento. And that's where he left his career.

We've seen it before. We'll see it again. I wish there was another chance, but there won't be. If there wasn't enough evidence on Monday, Webber then proceeded to sprain his shoulder on Thursday. Hurting himself, fragile, like and old man, in the same way that his career is fragile and old. His only hope now is to bury his Sac ties and get on with it. He'll never win anything in Philadelphia if he left his career in Sacramento.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Message to Amercia - Do Steroids

EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of us here are still not sure if Paul, who wrote this posting on April Fool's Day, was being ironic with this story... or if he is seriously advocating steroid use. Paul is tough to figure out sometimes. I mean the guy relates everything in life to Smallville, so what do you expect except confusion? Now, without further delay, Paul's post for the week:

written by Cousin Paulie

Using Steroids in a competitive environment is cheating. However, athletes have been using all types of steroids for years, and will continue to do so and continue to use them under the radar.
Steroids are about as American as porn and showers, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I would hate to see them go anywhere. The bottom line is that steroids are not going anywhere, but guess what? You are. You will be long dead, and there will be new enhancements entering the market. So give in, get big, and have fun.

Many people do not understand what the term Steroid actually refers to. Here is the actual definition of STEROID:

"Steroids are complex molecules containing carbon atoms in four interlocking rings. They are important in body chemistry. Among them are the male and female sex hormones, such as testosterone and estrogen and the hormones of the cortices of the adrenal glands, including cortisone. Vitamins of the D group are steroids involved in calcium metabolism. The cardiac glycosides, a group of compounds derived from certain plants are partly steroids. Sterols, including cholesterol, are steroids. Cholesterol is the main building block of steroid hormones in the body: it is also converted into bile salts by the liver." American Medical Journal
What this means is that the body will, can and MUST produce Steroids. The word steroid, in effect, means nothing in regards to what we call "performance enhancing agents." So why take them?
Steroids obviously have MANY medical uses, but in all honesty, who cares?! I sure as hell don't! To me, steroids are a way to get bigger and stronger with as little effort as possible, and isn't that what America is all about? The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, isn't it? For an athlete the goal with steroids is to increase strength and endurance by building muscle which is a result of blood flow into the muscle. The most commonly abused agents are not "the creams" and "the clears," but instead are actually asthma drugs, which increase blood flow into the muscle. These are not mass builders, they are strength builders. Even so, the stronger you get, the more mass you can achieve…

If you want to build MASS go with:
1. Stanozolol, better known as Winstrol. This will give you mass.
2. Humatrope, better known as hGH or Human Growth Hormone. This stuff will even make you taller. WARNING, if you use hGH you will want to inject with a 19 Gauge needle and you will want to move around your injection spots.
3. Boldenone Undecylenate, this is the "race horse" drug. It is used on race horses to bulk them up, and is actually one of the safest anabolic forms out there. This is the drug that you heard rumors about. The "my friend is Part Horse" rumor… Just so you know, it does not work that way.

How do you get these? Get a cat, and tell a vet that the cat has Feline Leukemia . Once you get your meds, dump the cat in a river, or out of the car on the highway, and enjoy your muscular cocktail on the way up happiness road. A less traditional route would be to lose a lot of weight and tell your doctor you are depressed. With your new weight loss, it will be easier to get cut anyway.

Do you want to get "cut"? Then you want to try these guys:
1. and 2. Prednicot, Predniment. What you are looking for is any type of Beta-agonists. You want to maximize the flow of oxygen into your lungs.
Where do you get these? Get them from a friend with Asthma or at a pharmacy in a different country i.e. Mexico. By the way, if you are going to Mexico, I know someone who would like to speak with you before you go. Get at me!

You want best results, and are just getting started? Try:
1. Deca Durabolin and Sustanon at the same time. Cycle this for about 10 weeks, and when you come off of it take Prendisone for 8 weeks in between before starting up again. You will get bigger, and cut. Your liver may not function right, and your heart may stop, but the girls will love you. Is it worth it? YES!

All drugs have side effects, and steroids are no different. The feeling you will get while using steroids is a type of Euphoria like high. You feel like you are on top of the world, and by on top of the world I mean you think you could beat up God himself in a fucking cage match. However, when you stop these drugs, you can expect to crash, and crash hard, and by hard I mean slice your wrists in the shower. Many people suffer from severe anxiety when they discontinue the use of steroids, especially the Anabolic "mass builders". On top of the depression you can expect to break out, mildly or badly. You can expect to keep fat, and lose what you thought was muscle (probably just water) when you are done.

Does everyone take steroids? The answer is yes. From the guy at the gym who is jacked out of his mind, to the high school sprinter. They all take them. It is estimated that 99% of all bodybuilders do take steroids, they are just better at covering them up. It on average takes less than three months to get steroids out of your system. This means that any baseball player who uses steroids and gets caught is just out of his tree and wants to get caught. The bottom-line is this: If you want results, and you want them fast, take steroids. In twenty or thirty years they will be able to cure everything, so have fun now, and worry about the future later.
Just for the record I do not currently use any steroids, because they are bad and illegal, but at the same time I do advocate the use of them to others, because I care about others.