NBA TRADE DEADLINE UPDATE: More Knicks Rumors

According to a source with no knowledge of the situation, New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas has inquired about the availability of Balki and Cousin Larry, either as a package trade or two separate trades. According to the source, who spoke on the condition that we identified him as Mr. Poops E. Pants, said that Isiah was hoping the two could help with the team mission, which is to be a laughing stock. Cousin Larry and Balki, who comes from the remote island of Mepos, were known to get a chuckle in their heyday, but have faded into obscurity in recent years.

EXPERT TRADE GRADE: A - (for both), F (if only one)
One thing we have learned from Balki and Cousin Larry is that they only work well as a team. If Isiah looks to bring in one without the other, it will be another embarassing NY trade.

THE OLYMPICS: 5 Random Thoughts from Someone Who Doesn't Care

1. How exactly does a luge athelete become a luge athlete? Like are there places in the world that kids are luging at the park with dreams of someday going pro? Honestly...

2. If Brokeback Mountain is an Academy Awards nominee for depicting a homosexual love story, the two-man luge shoulda been an Oscar contender years ago.

3. Curling proves that even mopping and sweeping can get the Olympic recognition it deserves.

4. Winter Game ideas: freestyle or timed snowman building.

5. Figure skating is to sports as a movie with Carrot Top is to film. I won't say it isn't a sport, but it's the type of sport I would never watch.

NEW YORK KNICKS TRADE RUMORS

According to Pretentious Sports sources with absolutely no knowledge of the situation, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas is making another move to react to a lackluster Knicks season. Thomas reportedly has put his credibility on the trading block, though it does not seem anyone in the league is interested. Apparently, Thomas' credibility does not have much trade value. According to the source, Thomas will listen to offers, but is hoping to receive a bloated contract in return that will fill up roster space and cap room for years to come.

THOUGHTS ON BETTIS' RETIREMENT

I don't get the nickname "the bus." Especially since he is retiring as one of the top rushers of all-time. You see maybe it's because I am from New York and have a different impression of a bus than people in Pittsburgh do.

To me, a bus is big yes, strong, maybe. But a bus also is clumsy, can't maneuver and is never on time. And also they smell like piss on the inside sometimes.