PretentiousSports.com

Our baseball analyst Matt Lungariello weighs in on the free agent market

2006-11-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Matt,
With a $51 million bid just to negotiate with Matsuzaka, question marks Frank Thomas and Nomar Garciaparra netting $9 million contracts, and the Cubs breaking the bank on Alfonso Soriano, do you think that this year's trade market dictates the possibility of Barry Zito getting a $1 billion a year contract?
Sincerely,
Concerned in Canada

Dear Concerned in Canada,
Yes.
-Matt

A's hire Borat as new Manager

2006-11-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

The week in sports from the weak in sports: 10/27

2006-10-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

What the Pretentious Sports world was talking about this week...

World Series Game 4 rained out - The rainy conditions may cause more mysetrious mud spots on the palms of all starting pitchers for the rest of the series.

Cowboys' Romo to start, Bledsoe to sit - The past has told us Bledsoe does his best work watching from the sidelines.

New York Giants' Barber says he may call it quits after the season - If you think that's bad, my barber calls it quits 4 p.m. every day.

Oakland Raiders win first game of the season - Head Coach Art Shell at the post game press conference: "It was a tough loss, every loss wears on you... Oh wait, we won!?!"

Despite rumors, Arod reportedly will stay with New York Yankees - A relieved New York media celebrated, having been afraid with Arod gone, they might have had to actually write about baseball.

St. Louis one win away from a championship - One win may not seem like a lot, until you consider one win is 10 percent of the Cards entire regular season total.

Bill Cowher says Roethlisberger looks ready to play against Raiders on Sunday - Let's face it, anyone looks ready to play when it's against the Raiders. Including Liza Minelli, Rip Taylor, and your grandmother.

Refs call early end to Montreal Canadiens/Boston Bruins game when fans throw trash on ice - Absolutely shocking news in the sports world. Not because of the trash-throwing, but because that means there are actually still hockey fans.

Bruce Bochy announced as new San Francisco Giants manager - Which makes the 51-year old manager the youngest person on the entire Giants staff.

Yao Ming sprains ankle in preseason game - Ming says it's not serious, but it still took 700 yards of medical tape to wrap the ankle.

Kenny Rogers used pine tar? You be the judge...

2006-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

News of the Week: Oct.16

2006-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

By Buddy Lung
Critics say U.S. is losing the war in Iraq - Fans blame Arod.

Feds say football stadium terror threat was a hoax - A spokeman for the FBI told fans who attend games this weekend that they shouldn't worry about being attacked. That is, unless they are in the stands at a University of Miami game.

Mike Tyson says he would fight women on upcoming exhibition tour - It's not the first time Tyson would be punching women, just the first time he'll be getting paid for it.

Mets Cardinals NLCS goes to decisive game 7 - Mets have announced their starting pitcher: the lucky fan in Section 10, Row H, Seat 15.

George W. Bush extends list of countries part of "axis of evil" - Joining Iraq and North Korea on the list is Cowboys WR Terrell Owens.

Report: NHL attendance, viewership down - To save a few bucks on expenditures, the league is now considering changing the playing surface from ice to really, really cold water.

New Cubs manager Lou Piniella says doesn't believe in team curse - Minutes after his comments, "Sweet Lou" was mauled by a rabid giraffe that escaped from the Chicago Zoo.

Miami announces punishment of "brawl players" - At least four players had to write "I will not start an on-field brawl" on a blackboard 10 times each. Which means they actually had to show up for class too, which shows the Miami administration really means business.

Detroit Tigers handle Yankees, A's, win AL pennant World Series - I give New York and Oakland credit for being brave enough to even step foot in Detroit.

MLS playoffs set to start - Just one thing... What are these Metropolitan Library System playoffs?

NBA TRADE DEADLINE UPDATE: More Knicks Rumors

2006-02-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

According to a source with no knowledge of the situation, New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas has inquired about the availability of Balki and Cousin Larry, either as a package trade or two separate trades. According to the source, who spoke on the condition that we identified him as Mr. Poops E. Pants, said that Isiah was hoping the two could help with the team mission, which is to be a laughing stock. Cousin Larry and Balki, who comes from the remote island of Mepos, were known to get a chuckle in their heyday, but have faded into obscurity in recent years.

EXPERT TRADE GRADE: A - (for both), F (if only one)
One thing we have learned from Balki and Cousin Larry is that they only work well as a team. If Isiah looks to bring in one without the other, it will be another embarassing NY trade.

THE OLYMPICS: 5 Random Thoughts from Someone Who Doesn't Care

2006-02-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

1. How exactly does a luge athelete become a luge athlete? Like are there places in the world that kids are luging at the park with dreams of someday going pro? Honestly...

2. If Brokeback Mountain is an Academy Awards nominee for depicting a homosexual love story, the two-man luge shoulda been an Oscar contender years ago.

3. Curling proves that even mopping and sweeping can get the Olympic recognition it deserves.

4. Winter Game ideas: freestyle or timed snowman building.

5. Figure skating is to sports as a movie with Carrot Top is to film. I won't say it isn't a sport, but it's the type of sport I would never watch.

NEW YORK KNICKS TRADE RUMORS

2006-02-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

According to Pretentious Sports sources with absolutely no knowledge of the situation, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas is making another move to react to a lackluster Knicks season. Thomas reportedly has put his credibility on the trading block, though it does not seem anyone in the league is interested. Apparently, Thomas' credibility does not have much trade value. According to the source, Thomas will listen to offers, but is hoping to receive a bloated contract in return that will fill up roster space and cap room for years to come.

THOUGHTS ON BETTIS' RETIREMENT

2006-02-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I don't get the nickname "the bus." Especially since he is retiring as one of the top rushers of all-time. You see maybe it's because I am from New York and have a different impression of a bus than people in Pittsburgh do.

To me, a bus is big yes, strong, maybe. But a bus also is clumsy, can't maneuver and is never on time. And also they smell like piss on the inside sometimes.

BAD NEWS FOR STEELERS: Colts Fan Will Attend Game

2006-01-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

Reports indicate that Indianapolis native and Colts diehard Warren L. Littlevain, 26, a postman, will be attending Sunday’s AFC division playoff featuring the Steelers at Indianapolis.

Littlevain was told by friends he “had” to come to Sunday’s game, though Littlevain’s work schedule was seen as a “barrier.” Furthermore, Littlevain had not accumulated any vacation days so early in 2006.

“We need him at the tailgaiting, in the stands with us, Warren is the best, man!” said Littlevain’s associate Merril Duboise, 28.

“I wanted to be able to have a few beers during at the Colts big game against the Steelers… I wouldn’t even go if I didn’t have the day off Monday,” he told Pretentious Sports. Things looked grim for the Colts, until a revelation occurred to Littlevain. “I realized it was Martin Luther King so I had the day off anyway.” The unexpected development was clearly a plus for the Colts fan and the Colts themselves, though the Pittsburgh Steelers did not offer comment on this development.

MR. & MRS. BETTIS ANNOUNCE FAVORITE PLAYER: Their Son

2006-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

According to sources, Mr. and Mrs. Bettis have announced their favorite Pittsburgh Steelers player, and not surprisingly to many, it is their son, runningback Jerome Bettis.

“We were pretty sure they go to every single home and away game because they’re son is on the team, now we are sure,” the source told Pretentious Sports. The Bettis parents have reportedly attended every single game Jerome has played in college and in the pro’s. Their tendency to wear Steelers gear in opposing stadiums has attracted projectile hot dogs and other rubbish as well as assorted boos. It has also gained them network attention, as they have an unspoken agreement that they will be shown on television at least twice during any game the Steelers play in.

The revelation of the Bettis’ loyalties has caused quite a controversy in the Iron City. “That is biased,” said outraged 21-year old Pittsburgh fan Steve McGuiness. “You can’t say your son is your favorite, it is your son.”

2006-01-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

NY GIANTS BLANKED BY PANTHERS, 23-0
Coughlin: “We’re still better than the Jets!”

It was certainly a grim Sunday for the New York Giants, who were eliminated from the playoffs by the Carolina Panthers, 23-0 at the Meadowlands.

“It’s a pretty sad day but it could be worse,” Giants coach Tom Coughlin said after the loss, but then smiled and laughed. “At least we’re not the Jets!”

The game represented the first time in 20 years that the Giants had been shut out in a playoff game.

“We hope that going into next year, we can address needs with our secondary and get Eli (Manning, Giants 2nd year QB) a little more playoff experience… Which is more than I can say for our stadium-mates, you know the ones who wear those crappy neon green costumes?” Coughlin and the team laughed at the Jets, who finished this season with only four wins after being named legitimate Super Bowl candidates in the preseason.

As for the Jets, by the end of the playoff game on Sunday, the once advantageous Giants Stadium crowd had turned against their boys in blue, booing the team as they played questionably, especially in the second half.

Going into the playoffs, the Panthers ranked third in the league on overall defense, and had leading receiver Steve Smith to help out QB Jack Delhomme on the offense. But despite the Panthers being no pushovers on the field, the Giants played sluggish and at times even sloppy, including three picks thrown by Eli Manning.“I hate to bring up the Jets again, but at least we have a QB, and a head coach for that matter!” Coughlin said, adding that even making the playoffs this season was a privilege and one the team hopes to build on in 2006. “Fans, like us with the organization can take comfort in the fact we can never be as poor as the Jets."

STAFF 2006 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

2006-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS’ 2006 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION:

We will begin update this page regularly, meaning weekly or so. There really is no set time, but it will be done.

At no time will we pretend to not be New Yorkers. We are New Yorkers and we won’t hide this fact. This means, most stuff here will deal with Knicks, Yankees, Mets, and to a lesser extent Jets and Giants (in football it’s ok not to root for the home team).

This is all a joke. Sometimes unfunny, but still a joke.

We will be sure to misquote everyone, have biased opinions, and make everyone look equally stupid.

UPDATE ON PRETENTIOUS RETURN

2005-12-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

We have promised this before and believe me, it is not an empty promise. Pretentious will be back and regularly updated shortly. Our aim for launch is the first week in January. Note the format and look of the page will be different. So watch yourself until then and Happy Holidays...
-Editor

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: It's Official, I'm a BIlls Fan

2005-10-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I was a New York Jets fan. But not today.

No, it’s not just because the New York Jets were man-handled through the first half of yesterday’s game, or even a good portion of the second half. It’s not because it is easier to cheer against the Jets than for them, not because of a season in the dumps with a fourth string quarterback who is over 40 as a saving grace. But whatever the case is, as of this Sunday, I am now officially a Buffalo Bills fan. Here’s why:

REASON 1: THEY ARE THE REAL NY TEAM
This baseball season I have become increasingly annoyed by the Angels naming themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. It is quite clear that the Angels are not from L.A. and therefore it is a bit baffling as to why they call themselves Los Angeles, except to tap the LA market. I imagine being a Dodgers fan, a fan of the real LA team, and being insulted by the Angels trying to “weeze my gig.”

Well, let’s face it: The Jets and the Giants are the Angels of football. These guys are the New Jersey Jets and the New Jersey Giants. The Bills on the other hand are a New York team, albeit far from New York City. Patrons at Bills’ games pay New York state taxes on their beer, on their food, their parking, whatever it might be. This is what America is all about: capitalism. The Bills are the only true NY team.

REASON 2: THEY HAVE THEIR OWN STADIUM
Unlike the Jets, the Bills do not share a stadium with their NFC rivals.

REASON 3: THE DOME CONTROVERSY
As plans for a new football stadium are under way at the Meadowlands, Jets brass have stated they are against Dome plans. They say North-Eastern football is to be played outdoors. Of course, several months ago, when a stadium was planned on the West Side of Manhattan, with the money to be funded by New York tax payers, the Jets were in favor of the dome. Now, that we taxpayers are out of the equation, the Jets are against a dome. So, going back to Reason 1, the Jets only want a dome if New Yorkers are willing to pay for it. And if they’re not paying, the Jets want New Yorkers to freeze our booties off. Sure the Bills don’t have a dome, but they aren’t making excuses. They are from Buffalo, with or without a dome, it’s gonna be cold. Hey, it’s Buffalo man, come on!

REASON 4: THE BILLS HAVE CHEERLEADERS
Self-explanatory really.

REASON 5: THE BILLS DON’T WEAR GREEN
This is football, guys. We play in the snow and we play to hurt each other. We don’t wear neon green.

REASON 6: I LOVE A GOOD BILLI like Bill’s. Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame and Bill Shatner just to name a few. I especially like these Bills of the NFL, the New York Bills. If Bill Clinton is a New Yorker, why can’t the Bills of Buffalo be New Yorkers too?

NOTE

2005-10-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

We are relaunching Pretentious Sports.com. Try to contain your excitement. Bare with us as it slowly changes the way it looks and all that good stuff. And Welcome Back!

Beyond the Matt: A Deadline Snoozer – And around the final turn they go…

2005-08-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

By Matthew Lungariello

The biggest name to move once the final bell rang for the trading deadline was Matt Lawton. Not exactly what us fans had in mind, but we have passed it and are now heading down the stretch. The Yankees, Red Sox, and Angels’ holes are extremely apparent, and the White Sox, A’s, and the Blue Jays look hungry going into the final sixty days of the year.

The Red Sox made the best move at the deadline. They decided to keep Manny Ramirez. There was no way they could get equal value in return, but since he will be a 10/5 guy after this season, Epstein had to test the market before it was too late.

The Angels don’t have a great starting rotation, but everything else looks pretty good besides for the bump in the road at Yankee Stadium over the weekend.

The Yankees made a couple of minor moves, nothing to make the back pages of the Daily News or anything. The holes in their roster have been well documented, even over-documented. They decided to hang on to their grade B prospects so that they wouldn’t throw the future away, for a pitcher that was no guarantee to bring home a title. There are no David Cones on the market. No July 31st difference maker that had to be pursued. They were looking at Jaime Moyer, which is not a difference maker.

The only thing we know about these clubs is that they can hit, and hit a lot. The real credit has to go to the GMs for holding their ground and bracing for a crazy August and September. Brian Cashman had the opportunity to trade away all and any chips the Yankees had even if it was just an attempt to keep his job with his contract expiring at the end of the year. But he didn’t. He was smart, and didn’t sacrifice the future of the Yankees to save his own butt.

In the National League, The Cardinals seem to be in a class all by themselves. They made the World Series last season, and will go into the playoffs this year with three important pieces that they didn’t have going in last year. Their top 3 starters. Carpenter, Mulder, and Matt Morris. Morris was on the team last year, but was a totally different pitcher. The only question is will the Cardinals lose anyone of significance to injury before they are making designs on rings of their own.

Rafael Palmeiro tests positive for steroids
I guess Jose Canseco wasn’t lying about everything. On August 31, 1992 Canseco was traded to the Texas Rangers for Ruben Sierra and a few throw-in’s. From that season to the following one, Raffy’s home run total nearly doubled from 22 to 37. What a coincidence. Since he began his suspension, he and his agent have been saying that they cannot discuss the specifics of this matter because the new CBA doesn’t allow it. This is totally false. The CBA protects Palmeiro himself. He can discuss anything he wants, all the laws are for the player’s protection. Raffy, if you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But don’t lie to everyone, haven’t you done that enough?
I guess this suspension doesn’t bother me as much as it might other people. He is probably in the Virgin Islands taking a week vacation and not bothered by this one bit, so why should I be? Besides if he hit 50% of his homers while taking steroids, how many of his near 600 homers have been hit off pitchers who were taking steroids?
The Fact is that Raffy has hit home runs taking steroids off pitchers taking steroids.

This doesn’t affect me and I really don’t care about it. I will only begin to care when an important player for one of the teams I root for gets suspended for 10 games while chasing a playoff spot. Am I only thinking of myself? Well, Raffy’s proof that’s what baseball’s all about.

PLACES TO GO

2005-07-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Don't know what to do what with Prentious' indefinite hiatus? Well, here's another blog for you by the editor of Pretentious:

REVERSE THE POLARITY OF THE NEUTRON FLOW by Mark Intentionally

ON HIATUS

2005-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Pretentious Sports.com is currently on hiatus.

THAT'S LYPHE: NBA Finals are a Deadlock

2005-06-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

Ok, I went 1 out of 2 in the Conference finals picks. I predicted the Phoenix Suns vs.. Detroit Pistons in the Finals. The San Antonio Spurs then destroyed the league MVP and his band of merry men. So now, in the Finals it’s the best of the best. Its East vs.. West in a battle that could potentially be compared to the Tupac/Biggie confrontation of the mid 90’s.

My Prediction? It’s too close to call. And yes, that’s my way of weaseling out of the answer. These are truly the two best teams in the NBA over the past two seasons and they both proved it by consistently making it to this level of play. When you compare these two teams, it’s almost like they are looking at each other in the mirror. Check out some of the facts:

-Ranked 1st and 2nd in points allowed per game this season
-Split there four games played 2 a piece t his season
-Spurs won the 2003-04 title
-Pistons won the 2004-05 title

The Spurs have a great point guard in Tony Parker. He’s fast and has great court vision and will be a problem when driving the lane since he can pass effectively to open teammates. Pistons point guard Chauncey Billups is big and strong, so he will be able to post up Tony Parker on the blocks. This will be one of the most important match ups of the series. If Billups can be effective against Parker then the Pistons have a chance.

But on top of scoring on Parker, they have to be able to stop the Spurs attack. An incredible attack led by “The Big Fundamental” Mr. Tim Duncan. Duncan is a machine, and even though he will face another great power forward in Rasheed Wallace, he’s going to do his numbers. I don’t care if you put Dwayne Wade on Shaq’s shoulders, nobody can stop Duncan. He, in my opinion, which means squat, is the most dominant player in the game over the past 5 seasons. Sure you have Shaq, and you always have to compensate for him. But cant’ the same be said of Duncan? Or for that matter Kevin Garnett? Yes, you have to double team and hack all three of them and hope they don’t beat you at the line. But Duncan can beat you from the floor and from the line. Well at least in the playoffs. His free throw percentage goes up at least ten points on the average during post-season play. And when you decide to double him he is a great passer that has an outstanding cast to hit three pointers; Parker, Robert Horry, Brent Barry, and the surging Manu Ginobili. Manu has prematurely been compared to Allen Iverson in some circles, but he has definitely stepped up his game this year.

The fact that Duncan has to be doubled and virtually nobody on Detroit is that much of a double team threat could also be a difference maker in this series as well. With that and the fact that San Antonio's bench might run a little bit deeper, I'm going to go with the Spurs winning the whole thing. We know I have been wrong before but we'll see.

Regardless of whatever way it goes, I will predict that we see SEVEN (yes seven) games from the two best teams in the NBA. And in the end, may the better team win. Well, at least the one I decide to put money on. Stay tuned!

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 6/7/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-06-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

what the Pretentious Sports world was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung

HEAT LOSE TO PISTONS IN NBA CONF FINALS - Dwayne Wade came back from a Game 5 injury but it wasn't enough to beat the Pistons. Wade was injured when he tried to "put the team on his back. With Shaq pushing 400 lbs, no wonder he was hurt. Rum bum crash!

NBA FINALS: IT'LL BE SPURS AND PISTONS - Can the Pistons be a fluke two years in a row? Or is that breaking some semantic rule of flukeness?

YANKEES ARE BACK - Wait not they're not. I mean yes they are. I mean no, nevermind they're not.

TYSON VS. MCBRIDE THIS WEEK - Does anyone care what goes on with this guy inside the ring anymore? They'd be better off charging to view his personal life.

SENATE VOTES AGAINST NYC WEST SIDE STADIUM - The voice of the people has spoken and been heard... Which only means there will be a new development where that voice is crushed and the stadium built after all.

MLB DRAFT TAKES PLACE - A whole new crop of prospects for the Yankees to trade away and then sign the prospects other teams develop.

2005 INTERLEAGUE PLAY PART 2 - I don't support a bi-league lifestyle, it's against my religion. AL teams should play AL teams and NL only NL that is the way God and the church want it. I support the sanctity of intraleague play and think this is a disgrace to it.

NL EAST TIGHT FOR ALL TEAMS - Well, it's not until after the All Star break everyone else falters and the Braves run away with it, remember?

TWO WINNING TEAMS IN CHIACAGO MLB - Which means one of two things a) one of the teams will fall apart b) the Earth is doomed.

ATLANTA BRAVES CHIPPER JONES PLACED ON DL - It's precautionary really because they don't think he -ahem- chipped anything.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Arod, Penis Enlargers, and The Lakers

2005-06-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

by Matt Lungariello

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of June, Matt Lungariello senior writer here at Pretentious, will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Matty Boy!:

1. Ok, so A-rod has better stats against the Red Sox than Jeter. A-rod leads the majors in HR, runs, and RBI. A-rod saved a kid's life and single handedly wont he ALDS last year. He also hit 3 hr in one game with 10 rbis'. His RISP numbers are better than most of the team this year. So what does the guy have to do to become a "true yankee?" destroy fenway park?

Very simple. The only way that Arod's stay with the Yankees will be a success is if he wins a World Series. If he wins the Triple Crown and the Yankees dont make the playoffs, he will be the same person he is right now. The great player that never wins the big game.

It may be true that AROD has better numbers against the Red Sox than Jeter, but that is just this year. And it's just the regular season. His numbers in the regular season against the Sox last year were awful, and we all know what he did against the Sox in Games 4-7.

Jeter has a lifelong pass in New York becasue of 1996-2000. I think we need to compare Jeter and Arod, they are both about 30 years old, and will both go to the Hall of Fame. So put everything else behind us and win some games.

2. Should I use penis enlarger pills?

Really when talking about penis enlarger pills, it depends on the brand you are using. I have had some bad experiences with these pills, mostly with the side effects.

The best advice I can give you is to do some research and find out which is best for you. Also, you should find out if your penis is truly small, and if its necccesary to use these pills. I find that most are not sure if their penis is big or small simply because they dont have many opportunites to see other men's penis'. Only on pornos, which would make any man's penis appear to be small. Good luck with that.

3. Is there any way the Lakers are going to contend next year?

I say yes, if it is just a matter of contending for a playoff spot. I dont believe they will be in any position win a championship. They have a legitimate superstar in Kobe Bryant. A nice secondary player in Lamar Odam. They have a lottery pick and they have a chance to bring back Zen Master Phil Jackson. With this formula they will definitely make the playoffs.

Unfortunately, its will not bring the team a championship next year. There owner has a tight pocket and refuses to test the limits of the salary cap. Even during their championship runs, they spend all their money on Shaq and Kobe and surrounded them with inexpensive role players. They were never over the salary cap in any of the years they won a championship.

e-mail your questions to pretentiousports@gmail.com

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 6/2/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-06-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

what the Pretentious Sports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung
PISTONS HEAT ALL TIED UP 2-2 - Wade had been carrying the Heat on his back the first few games. And believe me, with Shaq up there on your back it's no wonder they subsequently dropped game 4.

SPURS BEAT THE SUNS, ADVANCE TO NBA FINALS - I'm still not vacationing in San Antonio.

RED SOX CRUSH YANKS IN WEEKEND SERIES - If you knew what I know, you'd call this the result of "The Curse of Ramiro Mendoza."

NBA LOCKOUT POSSIBLE AFTER SIDES CAN'T REACH AGREEMENTS - The league turned down the players' association plan for more concessions. The league is prepared for a lockout in July, stating "The PA can't bully us, just like they couldn't bully the NHL."

MIKE BROWN TO BE CAVS NEXT COACH - Wrong Brown, guys!

KNICKS STILL DON'T HAVE A FULLTIME COACH - The best thing to happen to the Knicks since the end of the season was the league rejected the PA offer. Their best bet is for the season to be cancelled.

GIAMBI DROPPED FROM NIKE - It's the latest company that has dropped the struggling would-be slugger. Remember arm and hammer dropped him last year? Their slogan was "Arm and Hammer deoderant: All the muscle you need." They dropped him when they realized he disproved the entire campaign.

DANICA PATRICK FIRST WOMAN TO LEAD INDY RACE - Her car stalled in pit road which lost her 12 positions. She then finished fourth. And to think after a great accomplishment like this, it still gives a lot of ammo to the "redneck" shovanist contingent about woman not being able to drive cars with standard transmissions.

CHICAGO CUBS REACH 500 - I meant 500 winning percentage, not 500 years since the last World Series appearance.

CLEVELAND'S JUAN GONZALEZ TO DL, COCO CRIPS ACTIVATED ON ROSTER - Funny coincidence there Cleveland, I just "activated" Cocoa Crisp in my cereal bowl this morning.

OFF THE MARK: Mets' Matsui on DL with Bruised Ego

2005-05-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

by Mark Intentionally, exclusive to the fake news

The New York Mets announced today that they have placed second baseman Kaz Matsui on the 15-day disabled list with a bruised ego.

Matsui, a favorite taunting victim of his hometown fans has struggled both offensively and defensively since coming over to the United States from Japan, where he was a super star player.

"I am not used to the boos," Matsui said through a translator. "It just hurts a little, though I think I could play through it, that's what the team needs me to do, I do what is best for the team."

Mets manager WIllie Randolph said of the move: "It's too early in the season to have him play with a bruised ego and risk him injuring it further... It's better that we disable him now and have him work through this and get 100% again, get him to strengthen his will a little before getting back out there."

When asked if the injury will necessitate a rehab assignment for Matsui, Randolph only said: "Whatever workout schedule is going to strengthen his confidence is what we have to do. If we need him to rehab in Triple A to exercise his confidence a little, that's what we'll do."

Mastui's struggles last year were mostly at short stop, where he was charged with 23 errors and despite the hub bub around his coming over from Japan, Matsui quickly became notorious for not coming up with big hits.

After moving over to second base full time this year, Mastui has continued his defensive struggles and is now batting .245 on the year. Matsui was intended to be the #2 hitter in the lineup at the start of the year, but currently boasts a meager .286 OBP. He is often booed in the field and at the plate by Mets fans and has seen his every day status taken away, splitting time with Miguel Cairo at second.

"I tried to play through my ego problems," Matsui says dejectedly. "And it just gets more swollen as the days go on."

"Unfortunately, two many young players try to play straight through an injury," Randolph said. "Rather than rest his ego and get better, he played on a bum ego and just aggravated the problem, he's lucky he didn't totally crush his will to play ball."

THAT'S LYPHE: Spelling Bea... or Is it Spelling Bee

2005-05-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

As I watched the Phoenix Suns lose to the San Antonio Spurs last night I was crushed. I picked Phoenix to go to the NBA Finals from the Western Conference, but historically no team has ever won an NBA Conference Final after being down two games to zero. In other words, it doesn't look good.

So in the final minutes I was about to turn off the television feeling that “The Philly Eagles lost AGAIN” feeling and this commercial came on the TV. It was a bunch of snot nosed fifth graders spelling words. It caught my interest for a split second. I figured it was funny commercial about being hooked on phonics on perhaps mental retardation (you had to see these kids). Then across the screen flashes an advertisement for a spelling bee, being sponsored and shown on ESPN. What?! I was pissed. Probably more so at the Suns loss, but I needed something to take out my aggressions with.

So I chose this. If you can recall I wrote my very first Pretentious Sports article about ridiculous Olympic sports. Now let’s talk about stupid sports period.

I mean stupid sports like the hot dog eating contest. Of course we discussed that one. But I wanted to know exactly what the word meant before I delved into a topic where there has already been much debate (see previous Pretentious Crossfire articles). So, I looked up sports. By definition it goes as follows:

Sport n. An active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition; SYN: athletics. 2. Someone who engages in sports; SYN: sportsman, sportswoman 3. The occupation of athletes who compete for pay.

Does it take physical exertion to spell a word? I think not. Maybe it takes some physical exertion to chew a hot dog, so perhaps we could reverse our theory about that being a sport. But think about it, how many things does ESPN, or other sports outlets try to pass along as a sport?

-ESPN World Poker Championship
-The Pretentious Sports Bocce Ball Tournament
-The Pretentious Sports Dating Game
-The Allstate Insurance Company Executive Softball Game
-ESPN Bass Fishing
-Jeopardy
-UPN's show Blind Date and any related network Game Shows (Excluding Fear Factor & the Road Rules/Real World Challenge)
-The World Chess Championship
-The Southern Connecticut Smallville Watching Competition

In none of these “sports” can you pull a hammy or tear an ACL. Except maybe the Dating Game if you’re trying to play to your “full potential.” But even still, I stopped writing the Dating Game and “competing” after I came to the realization that it’s not a sport if there is no competition. A competitor or three would make it a viable sport. I have seen the light, Mark my editor (really only because you paid me to... wait we don't get paid). Thank you for helping me understand the truth. He is like a white Morpheus, and I don’t remember what colored pill I took. Well, I guess that explains why I was so delusional at the bar last week.

I just wanted to set the record straight. Let’s respect sports for what they are. Not cute little kids that are wetting themselves because they can’t spell Fillanthrowpiss. Wait, did I spell that right?