PretentiousSports.com

Our baseball analyst Matt Lungariello weighs in on the free agent market

2006-11-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Matt,
With a $51 million bid just to negotiate with Matsuzaka, question marks Frank Thomas and Nomar Garciaparra netting $9 million contracts, and the Cubs breaking the bank on Alfonso Soriano, do you think that this year's trade market dictates the possibility of Barry Zito getting a $1 billion a year contract?
Sincerely,
Concerned in Canada

Dear Concerned in Canada,
Yes.
-Matt

A's hire Borat as new Manager

2006-11-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

The week in sports from the weak in sports: 10/27

2006-10-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

What the Pretentious Sports world was talking about this week...

World Series Game 4 rained out - The rainy conditions may cause more mysetrious mud spots on the palms of all starting pitchers for the rest of the series.

Cowboys' Romo to start, Bledsoe to sit - The past has told us Bledsoe does his best work watching from the sidelines.

New York Giants' Barber says he may call it quits after the season - If you think that's bad, my barber calls it quits 4 p.m. every day.

Oakland Raiders win first game of the season - Head Coach Art Shell at the post game press conference: "It was a tough loss, every loss wears on you... Oh wait, we won!?!"

Despite rumors, Arod reportedly will stay with New York Yankees - A relieved New York media celebrated, having been afraid with Arod gone, they might have had to actually write about baseball.

St. Louis one win away from a championship - One win may not seem like a lot, until you consider one win is 10 percent of the Cards entire regular season total.

Bill Cowher says Roethlisberger looks ready to play against Raiders on Sunday - Let's face it, anyone looks ready to play when it's against the Raiders. Including Liza Minelli, Rip Taylor, and your grandmother.

Refs call early end to Montreal Canadiens/Boston Bruins game when fans throw trash on ice - Absolutely shocking news in the sports world. Not because of the trash-throwing, but because that means there are actually still hockey fans.

Bruce Bochy announced as new San Francisco Giants manager - Which makes the 51-year old manager the youngest person on the entire Giants staff.

Yao Ming sprains ankle in preseason game - Ming says it's not serious, but it still took 700 yards of medical tape to wrap the ankle.

Kenny Rogers used pine tar? You be the judge...

2006-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

News of the Week: Oct.16

2006-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

By Buddy Lung
Critics say U.S. is losing the war in Iraq - Fans blame Arod.

Feds say football stadium terror threat was a hoax - A spokeman for the FBI told fans who attend games this weekend that they shouldn't worry about being attacked. That is, unless they are in the stands at a University of Miami game.

Mike Tyson says he would fight women on upcoming exhibition tour - It's not the first time Tyson would be punching women, just the first time he'll be getting paid for it.

Mets Cardinals NLCS goes to decisive game 7 - Mets have announced their starting pitcher: the lucky fan in Section 10, Row H, Seat 15.

George W. Bush extends list of countries part of "axis of evil" - Joining Iraq and North Korea on the list is Cowboys WR Terrell Owens.

Report: NHL attendance, viewership down - To save a few bucks on expenditures, the league is now considering changing the playing surface from ice to really, really cold water.

New Cubs manager Lou Piniella says doesn't believe in team curse - Minutes after his comments, "Sweet Lou" was mauled by a rabid giraffe that escaped from the Chicago Zoo.

Miami announces punishment of "brawl players" - At least four players had to write "I will not start an on-field brawl" on a blackboard 10 times each. Which means they actually had to show up for class too, which shows the Miami administration really means business.

Detroit Tigers handle Yankees, A's, win AL pennant World Series - I give New York and Oakland credit for being brave enough to even step foot in Detroit.

MLS playoffs set to start - Just one thing... What are these Metropolitan Library System playoffs?

NBA TRADE DEADLINE UPDATE: More Knicks Rumors

2006-02-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

According to a source with no knowledge of the situation, New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas has inquired about the availability of Balki and Cousin Larry, either as a package trade or two separate trades. According to the source, who spoke on the condition that we identified him as Mr. Poops E. Pants, said that Isiah was hoping the two could help with the team mission, which is to be a laughing stock. Cousin Larry and Balki, who comes from the remote island of Mepos, were known to get a chuckle in their heyday, but have faded into obscurity in recent years.

EXPERT TRADE GRADE: A - (for both), F (if only one)
One thing we have learned from Balki and Cousin Larry is that they only work well as a team. If Isiah looks to bring in one without the other, it will be another embarassing NY trade.

THE OLYMPICS: 5 Random Thoughts from Someone Who Doesn't Care

2006-02-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

1. How exactly does a luge athelete become a luge athlete? Like are there places in the world that kids are luging at the park with dreams of someday going pro? Honestly...

2. If Brokeback Mountain is an Academy Awards nominee for depicting a homosexual love story, the two-man luge shoulda been an Oscar contender years ago.

3. Curling proves that even mopping and sweeping can get the Olympic recognition it deserves.

4. Winter Game ideas: freestyle or timed snowman building.

5. Figure skating is to sports as a movie with Carrot Top is to film. I won't say it isn't a sport, but it's the type of sport I would never watch.

NEW YORK KNICKS TRADE RUMORS

2006-02-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

According to Pretentious Sports sources with absolutely no knowledge of the situation, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas is making another move to react to a lackluster Knicks season. Thomas reportedly has put his credibility on the trading block, though it does not seem anyone in the league is interested. Apparently, Thomas' credibility does not have much trade value. According to the source, Thomas will listen to offers, but is hoping to receive a bloated contract in return that will fill up roster space and cap room for years to come.

THOUGHTS ON BETTIS' RETIREMENT

2006-02-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I don't get the nickname "the bus." Especially since he is retiring as one of the top rushers of all-time. You see maybe it's because I am from New York and have a different impression of a bus than people in Pittsburgh do.

To me, a bus is big yes, strong, maybe. But a bus also is clumsy, can't maneuver and is never on time. And also they smell like piss on the inside sometimes.

BAD NEWS FOR STEELERS: Colts Fan Will Attend Game

2006-01-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

Reports indicate that Indianapolis native and Colts diehard Warren L. Littlevain, 26, a postman, will be attending Sunday’s AFC division playoff featuring the Steelers at Indianapolis.

Littlevain was told by friends he “had” to come to Sunday’s game, though Littlevain’s work schedule was seen as a “barrier.” Furthermore, Littlevain had not accumulated any vacation days so early in 2006.

“We need him at the tailgaiting, in the stands with us, Warren is the best, man!” said Littlevain’s associate Merril Duboise, 28.

“I wanted to be able to have a few beers during at the Colts big game against the Steelers… I wouldn’t even go if I didn’t have the day off Monday,” he told Pretentious Sports. Things looked grim for the Colts, until a revelation occurred to Littlevain. “I realized it was Martin Luther King so I had the day off anyway.” The unexpected development was clearly a plus for the Colts fan and the Colts themselves, though the Pittsburgh Steelers did not offer comment on this development.

MR. & MRS. BETTIS ANNOUNCE FAVORITE PLAYER: Their Son

2006-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

According to sources, Mr. and Mrs. Bettis have announced their favorite Pittsburgh Steelers player, and not surprisingly to many, it is their son, runningback Jerome Bettis.

“We were pretty sure they go to every single home and away game because they’re son is on the team, now we are sure,” the source told Pretentious Sports. The Bettis parents have reportedly attended every single game Jerome has played in college and in the pro’s. Their tendency to wear Steelers gear in opposing stadiums has attracted projectile hot dogs and other rubbish as well as assorted boos. It has also gained them network attention, as they have an unspoken agreement that they will be shown on television at least twice during any game the Steelers play in.

The revelation of the Bettis’ loyalties has caused quite a controversy in the Iron City. “That is biased,” said outraged 21-year old Pittsburgh fan Steve McGuiness. “You can’t say your son is your favorite, it is your son.”

2006-01-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

NY GIANTS BLANKED BY PANTHERS, 23-0
Coughlin: “We’re still better than the Jets!”

It was certainly a grim Sunday for the New York Giants, who were eliminated from the playoffs by the Carolina Panthers, 23-0 at the Meadowlands.

“It’s a pretty sad day but it could be worse,” Giants coach Tom Coughlin said after the loss, but then smiled and laughed. “At least we’re not the Jets!”

The game represented the first time in 20 years that the Giants had been shut out in a playoff game.

“We hope that going into next year, we can address needs with our secondary and get Eli (Manning, Giants 2nd year QB) a little more playoff experience… Which is more than I can say for our stadium-mates, you know the ones who wear those crappy neon green costumes?” Coughlin and the team laughed at the Jets, who finished this season with only four wins after being named legitimate Super Bowl candidates in the preseason.

As for the Jets, by the end of the playoff game on Sunday, the once advantageous Giants Stadium crowd had turned against their boys in blue, booing the team as they played questionably, especially in the second half.

Going into the playoffs, the Panthers ranked third in the league on overall defense, and had leading receiver Steve Smith to help out QB Jack Delhomme on the offense. But despite the Panthers being no pushovers on the field, the Giants played sluggish and at times even sloppy, including three picks thrown by Eli Manning.“I hate to bring up the Jets again, but at least we have a QB, and a head coach for that matter!” Coughlin said, adding that even making the playoffs this season was a privilege and one the team hopes to build on in 2006. “Fans, like us with the organization can take comfort in the fact we can never be as poor as the Jets."

STAFF 2006 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

2006-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS’ 2006 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION:

We will begin update this page regularly, meaning weekly or so. There really is no set time, but it will be done.

At no time will we pretend to not be New Yorkers. We are New Yorkers and we won’t hide this fact. This means, most stuff here will deal with Knicks, Yankees, Mets, and to a lesser extent Jets and Giants (in football it’s ok not to root for the home team).

This is all a joke. Sometimes unfunny, but still a joke.

We will be sure to misquote everyone, have biased opinions, and make everyone look equally stupid.

UPDATE ON PRETENTIOUS RETURN

2005-12-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

We have promised this before and believe me, it is not an empty promise. Pretentious will be back and regularly updated shortly. Our aim for launch is the first week in January. Note the format and look of the page will be different. So watch yourself until then and Happy Holidays...
-Editor

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: It's Official, I'm a BIlls Fan

2005-10-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I was a New York Jets fan. But not today.

No, it’s not just because the New York Jets were man-handled through the first half of yesterday’s game, or even a good portion of the second half. It’s not because it is easier to cheer against the Jets than for them, not because of a season in the dumps with a fourth string quarterback who is over 40 as a saving grace. But whatever the case is, as of this Sunday, I am now officially a Buffalo Bills fan. Here’s why:

REASON 1: THEY ARE THE REAL NY TEAM
This baseball season I have become increasingly annoyed by the Angels naming themselves the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. It is quite clear that the Angels are not from L.A. and therefore it is a bit baffling as to why they call themselves Los Angeles, except to tap the LA market. I imagine being a Dodgers fan, a fan of the real LA team, and being insulted by the Angels trying to “weeze my gig.”

Well, let’s face it: The Jets and the Giants are the Angels of football. These guys are the New Jersey Jets and the New Jersey Giants. The Bills on the other hand are a New York team, albeit far from New York City. Patrons at Bills’ games pay New York state taxes on their beer, on their food, their parking, whatever it might be. This is what America is all about: capitalism. The Bills are the only true NY team.

REASON 2: THEY HAVE THEIR OWN STADIUM
Unlike the Jets, the Bills do not share a stadium with their NFC rivals.

REASON 3: THE DOME CONTROVERSY
As plans for a new football stadium are under way at the Meadowlands, Jets brass have stated they are against Dome plans. They say North-Eastern football is to be played outdoors. Of course, several months ago, when a stadium was planned on the West Side of Manhattan, with the money to be funded by New York tax payers, the Jets were in favor of the dome. Now, that we taxpayers are out of the equation, the Jets are against a dome. So, going back to Reason 1, the Jets only want a dome if New Yorkers are willing to pay for it. And if they’re not paying, the Jets want New Yorkers to freeze our booties off. Sure the Bills don’t have a dome, but they aren’t making excuses. They are from Buffalo, with or without a dome, it’s gonna be cold. Hey, it’s Buffalo man, come on!

REASON 4: THE BILLS HAVE CHEERLEADERS
Self-explanatory really.

REASON 5: THE BILLS DON’T WEAR GREEN
This is football, guys. We play in the snow and we play to hurt each other. We don’t wear neon green.

REASON 6: I LOVE A GOOD BILLI like Bill’s. Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame and Bill Shatner just to name a few. I especially like these Bills of the NFL, the New York Bills. If Bill Clinton is a New Yorker, why can’t the Bills of Buffalo be New Yorkers too?

NOTE

2005-10-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

We are relaunching Pretentious Sports.com. Try to contain your excitement. Bare with us as it slowly changes the way it looks and all that good stuff. And Welcome Back!

Beyond the Matt: A Deadline Snoozer – And around the final turn they go…

2005-08-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

By Matthew Lungariello

The biggest name to move once the final bell rang for the trading deadline was Matt Lawton. Not exactly what us fans had in mind, but we have passed it and are now heading down the stretch. The Yankees, Red Sox, and Angels’ holes are extremely apparent, and the White Sox, A’s, and the Blue Jays look hungry going into the final sixty days of the year.

The Red Sox made the best move at the deadline. They decided to keep Manny Ramirez. There was no way they could get equal value in return, but since he will be a 10/5 guy after this season, Epstein had to test the market before it was too late.

The Angels don’t have a great starting rotation, but everything else looks pretty good besides for the bump in the road at Yankee Stadium over the weekend.

The Yankees made a couple of minor moves, nothing to make the back pages of the Daily News or anything. The holes in their roster have been well documented, even over-documented. They decided to hang on to their grade B prospects so that they wouldn’t throw the future away, for a pitcher that was no guarantee to bring home a title. There are no David Cones on the market. No July 31st difference maker that had to be pursued. They were looking at Jaime Moyer, which is not a difference maker.

The only thing we know about these clubs is that they can hit, and hit a lot. The real credit has to go to the GMs for holding their ground and bracing for a crazy August and September. Brian Cashman had the opportunity to trade away all and any chips the Yankees had even if it was just an attempt to keep his job with his contract expiring at the end of the year. But he didn’t. He was smart, and didn’t sacrifice the future of the Yankees to save his own butt.

In the National League, The Cardinals seem to be in a class all by themselves. They made the World Series last season, and will go into the playoffs this year with three important pieces that they didn’t have going in last year. Their top 3 starters. Carpenter, Mulder, and Matt Morris. Morris was on the team last year, but was a totally different pitcher. The only question is will the Cardinals lose anyone of significance to injury before they are making designs on rings of their own.

Rafael Palmeiro tests positive for steroids
I guess Jose Canseco wasn’t lying about everything. On August 31, 1992 Canseco was traded to the Texas Rangers for Ruben Sierra and a few throw-in’s. From that season to the following one, Raffy’s home run total nearly doubled from 22 to 37. What a coincidence. Since he began his suspension, he and his agent have been saying that they cannot discuss the specifics of this matter because the new CBA doesn’t allow it. This is totally false. The CBA protects Palmeiro himself. He can discuss anything he wants, all the laws are for the player’s protection. Raffy, if you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But don’t lie to everyone, haven’t you done that enough?
I guess this suspension doesn’t bother me as much as it might other people. He is probably in the Virgin Islands taking a week vacation and not bothered by this one bit, so why should I be? Besides if he hit 50% of his homers while taking steroids, how many of his near 600 homers have been hit off pitchers who were taking steroids?
The Fact is that Raffy has hit home runs taking steroids off pitchers taking steroids.

This doesn’t affect me and I really don’t care about it. I will only begin to care when an important player for one of the teams I root for gets suspended for 10 games while chasing a playoff spot. Am I only thinking of myself? Well, Raffy’s proof that’s what baseball’s all about.

PLACES TO GO

2005-07-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Don't know what to do what with Prentious' indefinite hiatus? Well, here's another blog for you by the editor of Pretentious:

REVERSE THE POLARITY OF THE NEUTRON FLOW by Mark Intentionally

ON HIATUS

2005-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Pretentious Sports.com is currently on hiatus.

THAT'S LYPHE: NBA Finals are a Deadlock

2005-06-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

Ok, I went 1 out of 2 in the Conference finals picks. I predicted the Phoenix Suns vs.. Detroit Pistons in the Finals. The San Antonio Spurs then destroyed the league MVP and his band of merry men. So now, in the Finals it’s the best of the best. Its East vs.. West in a battle that could potentially be compared to the Tupac/Biggie confrontation of the mid 90’s.

My Prediction? It’s too close to call. And yes, that’s my way of weaseling out of the answer. These are truly the two best teams in the NBA over the past two seasons and they both proved it by consistently making it to this level of play. When you compare these two teams, it’s almost like they are looking at each other in the mirror. Check out some of the facts:

-Ranked 1st and 2nd in points allowed per game this season
-Split there four games played 2 a piece t his season
-Spurs won the 2003-04 title
-Pistons won the 2004-05 title

The Spurs have a great point guard in Tony Parker. He’s fast and has great court vision and will be a problem when driving the lane since he can pass effectively to open teammates. Pistons point guard Chauncey Billups is big and strong, so he will be able to post up Tony Parker on the blocks. This will be one of the most important match ups of the series. If Billups can be effective against Parker then the Pistons have a chance.

But on top of scoring on Parker, they have to be able to stop the Spurs attack. An incredible attack led by “The Big Fundamental” Mr. Tim Duncan. Duncan is a machine, and even though he will face another great power forward in Rasheed Wallace, he’s going to do his numbers. I don’t care if you put Dwayne Wade on Shaq’s shoulders, nobody can stop Duncan. He, in my opinion, which means squat, is the most dominant player in the game over the past 5 seasons. Sure you have Shaq, and you always have to compensate for him. But cant’ the same be said of Duncan? Or for that matter Kevin Garnett? Yes, you have to double team and hack all three of them and hope they don’t beat you at the line. But Duncan can beat you from the floor and from the line. Well at least in the playoffs. His free throw percentage goes up at least ten points on the average during post-season play. And when you decide to double him he is a great passer that has an outstanding cast to hit three pointers; Parker, Robert Horry, Brent Barry, and the surging Manu Ginobili. Manu has prematurely been compared to Allen Iverson in some circles, but he has definitely stepped up his game this year.

The fact that Duncan has to be doubled and virtually nobody on Detroit is that much of a double team threat could also be a difference maker in this series as well. With that and the fact that San Antonio's bench might run a little bit deeper, I'm going to go with the Spurs winning the whole thing. We know I have been wrong before but we'll see.

Regardless of whatever way it goes, I will predict that we see SEVEN (yes seven) games from the two best teams in the NBA. And in the end, may the better team win. Well, at least the one I decide to put money on. Stay tuned!

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 6/7/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-06-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

what the Pretentious Sports world was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung

HEAT LOSE TO PISTONS IN NBA CONF FINALS - Dwayne Wade came back from a Game 5 injury but it wasn't enough to beat the Pistons. Wade was injured when he tried to "put the team on his back. With Shaq pushing 400 lbs, no wonder he was hurt. Rum bum crash!

NBA FINALS: IT'LL BE SPURS AND PISTONS - Can the Pistons be a fluke two years in a row? Or is that breaking some semantic rule of flukeness?

YANKEES ARE BACK - Wait not they're not. I mean yes they are. I mean no, nevermind they're not.

TYSON VS. MCBRIDE THIS WEEK - Does anyone care what goes on with this guy inside the ring anymore? They'd be better off charging to view his personal life.

SENATE VOTES AGAINST NYC WEST SIDE STADIUM - The voice of the people has spoken and been heard... Which only means there will be a new development where that voice is crushed and the stadium built after all.

MLB DRAFT TAKES PLACE - A whole new crop of prospects for the Yankees to trade away and then sign the prospects other teams develop.

2005 INTERLEAGUE PLAY PART 2 - I don't support a bi-league lifestyle, it's against my religion. AL teams should play AL teams and NL only NL that is the way God and the church want it. I support the sanctity of intraleague play and think this is a disgrace to it.

NL EAST TIGHT FOR ALL TEAMS - Well, it's not until after the All Star break everyone else falters and the Braves run away with it, remember?

TWO WINNING TEAMS IN CHIACAGO MLB - Which means one of two things a) one of the teams will fall apart b) the Earth is doomed.

ATLANTA BRAVES CHIPPER JONES PLACED ON DL - It's precautionary really because they don't think he -ahem- chipped anything.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Arod, Penis Enlargers, and The Lakers

2005-06-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

by Matt Lungariello

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of June, Matt Lungariello senior writer here at Pretentious, will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Matty Boy!:

1. Ok, so A-rod has better stats against the Red Sox than Jeter. A-rod leads the majors in HR, runs, and RBI. A-rod saved a kid's life and single handedly wont he ALDS last year. He also hit 3 hr in one game with 10 rbis'. His RISP numbers are better than most of the team this year. So what does the guy have to do to become a "true yankee?" destroy fenway park?

Very simple. The only way that Arod's stay with the Yankees will be a success is if he wins a World Series. If he wins the Triple Crown and the Yankees dont make the playoffs, he will be the same person he is right now. The great player that never wins the big game.

It may be true that AROD has better numbers against the Red Sox than Jeter, but that is just this year. And it's just the regular season. His numbers in the regular season against the Sox last year were awful, and we all know what he did against the Sox in Games 4-7.

Jeter has a lifelong pass in New York becasue of 1996-2000. I think we need to compare Jeter and Arod, they are both about 30 years old, and will both go to the Hall of Fame. So put everything else behind us and win some games.

2. Should I use penis enlarger pills?

Really when talking about penis enlarger pills, it depends on the brand you are using. I have had some bad experiences with these pills, mostly with the side effects.

The best advice I can give you is to do some research and find out which is best for you. Also, you should find out if your penis is truly small, and if its necccesary to use these pills. I find that most are not sure if their penis is big or small simply because they dont have many opportunites to see other men's penis'. Only on pornos, which would make any man's penis appear to be small. Good luck with that.

3. Is there any way the Lakers are going to contend next year?

I say yes, if it is just a matter of contending for a playoff spot. I dont believe they will be in any position win a championship. They have a legitimate superstar in Kobe Bryant. A nice secondary player in Lamar Odam. They have a lottery pick and they have a chance to bring back Zen Master Phil Jackson. With this formula they will definitely make the playoffs.

Unfortunately, its will not bring the team a championship next year. There owner has a tight pocket and refuses to test the limits of the salary cap. Even during their championship runs, they spend all their money on Shaq and Kobe and surrounded them with inexpensive role players. They were never over the salary cap in any of the years they won a championship.

e-mail your questions to pretentiousports@gmail.com

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 6/2/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-06-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

what the Pretentious Sports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung
PISTONS HEAT ALL TIED UP 2-2 - Wade had been carrying the Heat on his back the first few games. And believe me, with Shaq up there on your back it's no wonder they subsequently dropped game 4.

SPURS BEAT THE SUNS, ADVANCE TO NBA FINALS - I'm still not vacationing in San Antonio.

RED SOX CRUSH YANKS IN WEEKEND SERIES - If you knew what I know, you'd call this the result of "The Curse of Ramiro Mendoza."

NBA LOCKOUT POSSIBLE AFTER SIDES CAN'T REACH AGREEMENTS - The league turned down the players' association plan for more concessions. The league is prepared for a lockout in July, stating "The PA can't bully us, just like they couldn't bully the NHL."

MIKE BROWN TO BE CAVS NEXT COACH - Wrong Brown, guys!

KNICKS STILL DON'T HAVE A FULLTIME COACH - The best thing to happen to the Knicks since the end of the season was the league rejected the PA offer. Their best bet is for the season to be cancelled.

GIAMBI DROPPED FROM NIKE - It's the latest company that has dropped the struggling would-be slugger. Remember arm and hammer dropped him last year? Their slogan was "Arm and Hammer deoderant: All the muscle you need." They dropped him when they realized he disproved the entire campaign.

DANICA PATRICK FIRST WOMAN TO LEAD INDY RACE - Her car stalled in pit road which lost her 12 positions. She then finished fourth. And to think after a great accomplishment like this, it still gives a lot of ammo to the "redneck" shovanist contingent about woman not being able to drive cars with standard transmissions.

CHICAGO CUBS REACH 500 - I meant 500 winning percentage, not 500 years since the last World Series appearance.

CLEVELAND'S JUAN GONZALEZ TO DL, COCO CRIPS ACTIVATED ON ROSTER - Funny coincidence there Cleveland, I just "activated" Cocoa Crisp in my cereal bowl this morning.

OFF THE MARK: Mets' Matsui on DL with Bruised Ego

2005-05-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

by Mark Intentionally, exclusive to the fake news

The New York Mets announced today that they have placed second baseman Kaz Matsui on the 15-day disabled list with a bruised ego.

Matsui, a favorite taunting victim of his hometown fans has struggled both offensively and defensively since coming over to the United States from Japan, where he was a super star player.

"I am not used to the boos," Matsui said through a translator. "It just hurts a little, though I think I could play through it, that's what the team needs me to do, I do what is best for the team."

Mets manager WIllie Randolph said of the move: "It's too early in the season to have him play with a bruised ego and risk him injuring it further... It's better that we disable him now and have him work through this and get 100% again, get him to strengthen his will a little before getting back out there."

When asked if the injury will necessitate a rehab assignment for Matsui, Randolph only said: "Whatever workout schedule is going to strengthen his confidence is what we have to do. If we need him to rehab in Triple A to exercise his confidence a little, that's what we'll do."

Mastui's struggles last year were mostly at short stop, where he was charged with 23 errors and despite the hub bub around his coming over from Japan, Matsui quickly became notorious for not coming up with big hits.

After moving over to second base full time this year, Mastui has continued his defensive struggles and is now batting .245 on the year. Matsui was intended to be the #2 hitter in the lineup at the start of the year, but currently boasts a meager .286 OBP. He is often booed in the field and at the plate by Mets fans and has seen his every day status taken away, splitting time with Miguel Cairo at second.

"I tried to play through my ego problems," Matsui says dejectedly. "And it just gets more swollen as the days go on."

"Unfortunately, two many young players try to play straight through an injury," Randolph said. "Rather than rest his ego and get better, he played on a bum ego and just aggravated the problem, he's lucky he didn't totally crush his will to play ball."

THAT'S LYPHE: Spelling Bea... or Is it Spelling Bee

2005-05-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

As I watched the Phoenix Suns lose to the San Antonio Spurs last night I was crushed. I picked Phoenix to go to the NBA Finals from the Western Conference, but historically no team has ever won an NBA Conference Final after being down two games to zero. In other words, it doesn't look good.

So in the final minutes I was about to turn off the television feeling that “The Philly Eagles lost AGAIN” feeling and this commercial came on the TV. It was a bunch of snot nosed fifth graders spelling words. It caught my interest for a split second. I figured it was funny commercial about being hooked on phonics on perhaps mental retardation (you had to see these kids). Then across the screen flashes an advertisement for a spelling bee, being sponsored and shown on ESPN. What?! I was pissed. Probably more so at the Suns loss, but I needed something to take out my aggressions with.

So I chose this. If you can recall I wrote my very first Pretentious Sports article about ridiculous Olympic sports. Now let’s talk about stupid sports period.

I mean stupid sports like the hot dog eating contest. Of course we discussed that one. But I wanted to know exactly what the word meant before I delved into a topic where there has already been much debate (see previous Pretentious Crossfire articles). So, I looked up sports. By definition it goes as follows:

Sport n. An active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition; SYN: athletics. 2. Someone who engages in sports; SYN: sportsman, sportswoman 3. The occupation of athletes who compete for pay.

Does it take physical exertion to spell a word? I think not. Maybe it takes some physical exertion to chew a hot dog, so perhaps we could reverse our theory about that being a sport. But think about it, how many things does ESPN, or other sports outlets try to pass along as a sport?

-ESPN World Poker Championship
-The Pretentious Sports Bocce Ball Tournament
-The Pretentious Sports Dating Game
-The Allstate Insurance Company Executive Softball Game
-ESPN Bass Fishing
-Jeopardy
-UPN's show Blind Date and any related network Game Shows (Excluding Fear Factor & the Road Rules/Real World Challenge)
-The World Chess Championship
-The Southern Connecticut Smallville Watching Competition

In none of these “sports” can you pull a hammy or tear an ACL. Except maybe the Dating Game if you’re trying to play to your “full potential.” But even still, I stopped writing the Dating Game and “competing” after I came to the realization that it’s not a sport if there is no competition. A competitor or three would make it a viable sport. I have seen the light, Mark my editor (really only because you paid me to... wait we don't get paid). Thank you for helping me understand the truth. He is like a white Morpheus, and I don’t remember what colored pill I took. Well, I guess that explains why I was so delusional at the bar last week.

I just wanted to set the record straight. Let’s respect sports for what they are. Not cute little kids that are wetting themselves because they can’t spell Fillanthrowpiss. Wait, did I spell that right?

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Sucks to be in Chicago, Shaq, and of course the Obligatory Steroid Plug

2005-05-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

by Ben Fortney

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of May, Ben Fortney will be answering the questions. Fortney is a contributor not only to Pretentious, but is known for his rap / music expertise and contributes to Rapnerd.com (unlike PretentiousSports.com, Rapnerd is an actual dot com). But let's not focus on the negative shall we?

Take it away, Benny Boy!:

Dear Pretent: At least the Boston Red Sox have had THE CHANCE to win a world series in the past and you knew sooner or later they would accidentally have to win one, just on odds alone... but the Cubs. Oh man the horrible horrible Cubs. Is it possible they can go without winning until either civilization ends or until baseball does anyway?-Rufus

There's no cursed goat or Boogie Bartman. 'The Rookie' sucked, and Babe wasn't calling his shot, he was telling Cub fans to shut up and drink their beer. Demolition Night was a bad idea, the new Comisky is ugly and I stand by the statement that the '05 Pale Hose will not win this year either.

By the numbers, the City of Chicago is 4 for 200 in the past century of World Series play. Shit the last time Chi-Town saw a Series game there were 8 teams in the American League. But the numbers are what count in baseball and Rap Nerd Kevduce pointed out, with a big market budget both teams have a better shot at the title then a team like KC or the Devil Dogs.

-Can the Heat win if Shaq doesn't get game ready?

The better question is, will Shaq be able to play? Sure he will! He doesn't really need to do anything but stand there to be effective, does he? (this all sounds vaguely family -ed.)

Tiger Woods is not an athlete. This is because I can kick his ass. I shouldn't be able to kick any athlete's ass.-Steroid Bob

Paul, stop the psuedonyms! Tiger Woods has more money then any of us could ever hope to imagine, lots of snazzy green jackets in his closet and he's married to a nordic model. So it doesn't matter whether you can kick his ass, his life is still a million time better then all of ours combined. All thanks to golf, a game you play against yourself.

e-mail questions for Ask Pretentious to pretentiousports@gmail.com

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 5/23/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-05-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

what the Pretentious Sports world was talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung

PAT TILLMAN'S PARENTS SAY GOV LIED ABOUT NFL STAR'S DEATH - They claim the U.S. invented a story of heroism for propaganda and public support of the war. What a shock! You mean the government is lying to us about something!?!

MLB INTERLEAGUE PLAY DRAWS RECORD CROWDS - There were some great regional rivalries that kept people interested, and fans going cross town to enemy terriroty: Mets/Yankees, Cubs/White Sox, Angels/Dodgers, Braves/Red Sox... wait a minute! Braves/Red Sox? As if there are still any NL fans in New England? At least in the Blue Jays/Nationals series, the ten Expos fans in Canada are still alive and able to attend...

CUBS DOCTORS TELL ZAMBRANO TO CUT BACK COMPUTER TIME - They said typing on his computer may be contributing to his elbow problems. They also recommended not to sit too close to the TV or his eyesight could be affected.

ANGELS' VLAD SIDELINED BY INJURY - Did I just say sidelined? There really isn't any sidelines in baseball. He is foul-lined... is that better? Or maybe I should say "dugouted?" I don't know.

AFLEET ALEX WINS THE PREAKNESS - The winning horse nearly dropped his jockey before rallying for the win. But now, Alex is really dropping the jockey... the horse has decided to go solo after his newfound fame.

NASH LEADS SUNS OVER MAVS - Nash is just fantastic isn't he? How clutch. What a leader, what a great, great player, what a...

NBA CONFERENCE FINALS: Spurs vs. Suns - The Suns dropped the first game of the series as everyone was so busy constantly saying how great Steve Nash is.

NBA CONFERENCE FINALS: Pistons vs. Heat - Will Shaq be able to play? Sure he will! He doesn't really need to do anything but stand there to be effective, does he?

RICKY WILLIAMS IS SET TO RETURN TO DOLPHINS - He'll have to serve his suspension for drug violation. Williams admits to using pot, but says he didn't know it was pot.

MAGIC GM WEISBROD RESIGNS - He wants to go into hockey, that is his true passion. Just one thing... maybe he was a little too busy with Orlando to realize that there is no hockey.

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS DEBATE: Who will Break Aaron's Record?

2005-05-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

transcript from yesterday's episode of PS.com CROSSFIRE.

This week, as usual, Pretentious is having a no holds barred debate about a serious issue.

This week's topic: If Barry Bonds won't break it, who in MLB has a legit chance to break Hank Aaron's 755 career home run record?

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO, PretentiousSports staff: Arod.

COUSIN PAUL, contributor: All time home run record... Tom Gordon. Or did you mean HITTING the home run?

MARCO TAVARES, contributor: Pujols. The guy already has 170 homeruns and just turned 25 this year. He'll probaly have 500 hr's by the time he's 30.

BUDDY LUNG, contributing editor: There's no one out right now that even has realistic hope except Arod. But I don't want to jinx him after what happened to Junior. Oh yeah and also Clay Aiken.

JOHN RAIMONDO, contributor: I would love to see Griffey Jr. because he was the greatest player we saw when we were growing up. But if I were to say now, A-Rod and Sosa. Bonds may never play again.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Pujols is too young to be included as a legitimate contender. Sosa is capable if he stays heathly, and goes back on roids.

COUSIN: Stays healthy, AND goes back on Roids... Great! I want to see some home runs. Screw this no steroid crap.

BUDDY LUNG: Idea. Instead of a salary cap, how about a steroid cap? Like steroids are legal but each team only gets x amount to distribute.

COUSIN: I like Albert Pujols, but I will like him better in a few years when he becomes a Yankee.

Does anyone remember the show "My Two Dads" or "Major Dad"? I think it is a shame that t.v. shows have gone so astray from the DAD theme.

What time is everyone seeing Star Wars? Cousin Paul watches the 9:30 Star Wars.

TAVARES: Alright Paul, which character are you dressing up as, you nerd?

COUSIN: Spock.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Debate - Of all 3 sports (baseball, Football, Basketball), which record is least likely to be broken?

COUSIN: Nolan Ryan 5700 + strikeouts or Rickey Henderson 1400 + stolen bases.

Or maybe Jon Stockton's assist record. I am not sure the exact number, but I know Mark Jackson and Magic were still like 5 or 6000 behind...

I think it is also safe to say that no one will score 100 points in a game again.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Cy Young 500+ wins and moreso 300+ loses never again. Gehrig 23 Grad Slams. 7 no hitters Ryan. Rice TD catches. 6 Finals MVPs - MJ. Donnie - 6 Grand Slams 1 season. (I had to include him). Thigpen 61 saves (someday MAYBE). 51 wins single pitcher single season. Silver King. 430 batting ave. single season - Hornsby I believe.

BUDDY LUNG: I don't know old pitching stats and B.A. stats in baseball can't really count as records because the game is so different now, it's literally impossible. You can't get over 30 wins in a season because a starter only starts about 30 games a year. So not to say those records don't count, but it's self-evident they can't be broken because that's just not the game anymore.

KHALID WASHINGTON, PretentiousSports staff: You can say a lot more about Jerry Rice. TD receptions, most consecutive games with a catch, overall yards. He will never be caught and Marino still holds the record for most yards ever with like 61,000. Peyton has the best shot. but nobody else in the league will catch him.

Lets include hockey and say that nobody will catch gretsky's records because hockey will never be played again anyway.

TAVARES: Agree to all except the 23 grand slams (I think Manny Ramirez already has 18 in his career) and Rice's touchdown record. Moss is really young, already near 100 touchdown catches and gets what, about 17 td's a season? I could see it happening. Here's one record that won't be beat, held by a yankee: hitting in 56 games in a row.

BUDDY LUNG: Joe D. I agree. That's the most untouchable record in sports that is reasonably attainable.

KHALID WASHINGTON: What about my 20 week dating streak? I had a new dating game article every week for damn near a half year. Oh wait, it's not a sport. I think Rice's record for td's will not be broken. Moss has to play for10 more years and get at least 11 td's a season break the record. He's already in his 8th year and I don't see him making it 18 years in the NFL.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 5/16/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-05-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

what the PretentiousSports world was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

TV'S BOXING SHOW CONTENDER REACHES FINALS - I have the surprise twist ending: Sylvester Stallone once dated Fabio.

FAN ARRESTED FOR THROWING BEER AT GIAMBI - Yanks fans were outraged... that it was only beer.

CUBS KERRY WOOD MAY BE NEW CLOSER TO EASE CHANCE OF INJURY - Great idea, nothing protects a pitcher from injury like having them pitch every day.

RASHEED WALLACE PULLS A JOE NAMATH - Rasheed guaranteed a game 4 win, then won. And unlike Namath, Rasheed wasn't even obnoxiously drunk when he guaranteed the win.

NBA THE WIZARDS GET SWEPT BY MIAMI - Headline: "Washington Can't Take the Heat." Miami did it Shaq-less for the last few games. Which is a great argument for Nash's MVP award.

PHIL JACKSON: STILL NO ANSWERS - Is he staying retired or coming back? Who knows!? You can tell this guy coached MJ though.

NFL EAGLES SAY THEY WON'T RENEGOTIATE WITH T.O. - They have a better chance of T.O. agreeing to play than the NHl and PA have to work out this current lockout.

YANKEES WIN 8 IN A ROW - They only have to win a few more games to go from "laughing stock" to just being "overpaid" again.

NHL AND PA TO MEET ONCE A WEEK UNTIL RESOLUTION - The idea is they can piss off each other enough to finally come to a resolution just so they don't have to eat together anymore.

ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE - That's right! I forgot about this league. How quaint.

THAT'S LYPHE: Nash Deserved It

2005-05-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

Yes, Steve Nash deserved to be the MVP of the season for the NBA. All I can say is: incredible. I have heard people debate that it should have been Miami Heat star Shaquille ONeal, but the truth is that they went with the right guy. Thanks and that's the end of the article...

Okay, it's not the end. I got some splainin' to do like Desi Arnaz would tell Lucille Ball, so here goes nothing.

Let's compare the two finalists in the MVP race and see what facts lie beneath the surface. The honor of MVP is not just scoring the most points in the league. It's not about being the cutest player in the game or having the most dunks. Nor is it being most likely to consent to sex with a hotel worker in Colorado then get accused of rape. Steve Nash is the Phoenix Suns. He came in and put that team on his back in one year. Shaquille ONeal came in and partnered with Dwayne Wade this year. The Suns didn't make the playoffs last year. They entered this year's playoffs ranked #1 in the Western Conference. The Heat went to the playoffs last year with the stellar point guard Wade already present and accounted for in Miami. The Suns added Nash and in just one season, led the league in wins and points per game. He made the already outstanding Power Forward Amare Stoudemire a better player. Stoudemire's shooting percentage went up from .475 last years to .559 this year and his scoring went from 20.6 ppg in 2004 to 26.2 ppg in 2005. If you combine that with an average of 10 rebounds and 2 blocks per game, those are pretty much MVP numbers them selves.

Nash's personal numbers also went up. His outdid his career average field goal percentage this year, with .470 by shooting for .502. And Nash, now having better players with him, allowed him to increase his assists per game from 8.8 last year to 11.5 this year.

Do the math, y'all. Nash's numbers went up, up, up. The team's star player had a better year than he ever had in his career. The team finished #1 in wins and points per game. And they are currently the favorite to win the west as well. Coincidence? I think not. Nash is the deserving MVP of the league this year. Amazingly enough, Nash is only the fourth point guard to win as well. Hats off to the man, Mr. Nash. This was his year and if the Suns can win the Western Conference and NBA finals, then the whole world will know why he did deserve to be the MVP.

BEYOND THE MATT: The Scapegoat is In - Bernie Williams, Come on Down!

2005-05-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

by Matthew Lungariello

Nice guys always finish last. That's the real lesson to be learned from the Yankees moving Tony Womack to LF, Hideki Matsui to CF, and bringing up rookie Robinson Cano at 2B.

The senior member and possibly the most underrated Yankee of all time, finally got stepped on. He is off to a slow start, as usual. But we cannot forget that when Bernie was 28 years old, he would be batting under the Mendoza line at this point of the season. The starting pitching, bullpen, and offense has been terrible. It has to be Bernie’s fault. I know he has a bad arm, but I don’t think that was him pitching every night, although I have almost been drinking myself into a coma so far this season. Fact is, that the team knows that Bernie will do whatever he is told and won't create any additional waves, so he is the perfect victim. Tailormade to get picked on. Thanks / sorry Bernie. You're the problem.

Where did all this loyalty towards Jason Giambi and even Hideki Matsui, who hasn’t been able to get out of his own way since the first two days of the season, come from? Jorge Posada has been terrible, and he may have more a history with the team than Giambi or Matsui, but even Jorgey still cannot hold a candle to what Bernie has done. If this so-called repositioning “plan” saw Bernie move to everyday DH, I would be in favor of it. But, that's not what's happening. Instead, Bernie's on the bench, and for who? Tony Womack, Robinson Cano, and Jason Giambi!

WOW! The team is claiming that Bernie is "injured," so he has to sit. If he's hurt, then put him on the DL. Bubba Crosby, the back up OF, was just sent to the minors, something it's pretty obvious that if Bernie couldn’t play, that Crosby would have had to stick around. If Bernie is really hurt, that would mean the team is carrying two outfielders and a Tony Womack on its roster. Don’t think so.

I would rather see Bernie walk up to the batter’s box without his arms on, than see Giambi go up there thinking he is still on juice.

If I hear another "fan" or "expert" or "critic" say that you can't win with Bernie’s arm in Center, I will throw my flatscreen at the closest Red Sox fan I can find. Bernie "only" won 4 titles and made 6 World Series appearances in his career, and never could throw out Steve Balboni trying to take an extra base. The Florida Marlins won the World Series with Juan Pierre playing center, and the Red Sox won with Johnny Damon in Center. These guys are not exactly knocking down walls with their arms.

I actually wanted to see Cano start the season playing 2nd base, but to bring him up at the beginning of May is mind boggling. The team’s defense is actually worse now. Womack is 35 yrs old, and had never played left field before last week, Cano had never been in a major league game before this week and if he was ready, then the team would've never signed Womack in the first place, and Matsui has been an everyday left fielder for two years.

The fact is the Yankee front office took the advice of the fans that what the Yankees were lacking was the youth movement. This couldn’t be further from the truth. What they are lacking is their veteran players showing up to the ballpark.

Since when has any professional team named a 22 year old minor leaguer starting second basemen in May without seeing him play one game there? What is this 1st grade? Tony Womack is the new staring left fielder, and Cano is the starting 2nd basemen. Why not say that we are going to try this for right now? Now, no one is held accountable. Players can always say that there was no stability and they didn’t know who will be playing next to you from day-to-day. Cano is now the 19th 2nd baseman to play next to Derek Jeter.

They will turn it around. They have too much talent not to. Hope it doesn’t take too long. And I hope they all offer their sincere gratitude and apologies to their starting CF Bernie Williams when they do.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 5/8/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-05-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

what the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

NASH WINS NBA MVP -Shaq may have pulled in more votes if not for the movie "Steel" and that song "What's up Doc, Can we Rock?"

JEFF VAN GUNDY FINED 100K - Van Gundy was reprimanded by the league after making remarks about ref's targeting Yao in the playoffs. And then they called a personal foul against Yao again.

NBA CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS: PHOENIX VS DALLAS - Who will win? Who knows? I just know I won't be going to any of these cities for a vacation any time soon.

NBA CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS: MIAMI VS. WASHINGTON - Washington fans, start practicing this phrase now: "we'll get em next year."

NBA CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS: SAN ANTONIO VS. SEATTLE - You say it'll be a case of the Spurs' Big D vs. the Sonics' Big Offense. I say it's Little Offense vs. Little D.

NBA CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS: DETROIT VS INDIANA - One of the most intense rivalries and showdowns in recent years, intensity and focus, pure blow-for-blow excitement. And that's just what's going to be going on in the stands.

BONDS GETS ANOTHER SURGERY TO DRAIN KNEE FLUID - Sources said they drained a "clear" fluid from the knee.

STEINBRENNER'S HORSE LOSES THE KENTUCKY DERBY - He has since fired the jockey and then paid an exorbitant amount to resurrect Bill Martin and then hired Billy as new jockey... then fired Billy Martin... then hired him. Then bought an older more experienced horse, a new saddle, etc etc etc.

WHITE SOX JON GARLAND GOES TO LEAGUE BEST 6-0 - Steinbrenner to his executives "Get this guy NOW. Either as a pitcher, or if not, maybe he can ride a horse."

NFL: NEW ENGLAND'S BRADY SIGNS 6 YR / $60 MILL CONTRACT - Which at this point is only about $10 million per Super Bowl title.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Ben Fortney on the Orioles, NBA Racism (again), and Why Paul is only the Cute Beatle

2005-05-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

by Ben Fortney

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of May, Ben Fortney will be answering the questions. Fortney is a contributor not only to Pretentious, but is known for his rap / music expertise and contributes to Rapnerd.com (unlike PretentiousSports.com, Rapnerd is an actual dot com). But let's not focus on the negative shall we?

Take it away, Benny Boy!:

1.
Are the Baltimore Orioles really contenders for the AL East or is the pitching going to deteriorate to the point where we all expected it would be?
-Jennifer Wigwam

Well Jennifer, anybody worth their weight in crabcakes knows that offense wins championships. Peyton Manning's tackle football team, formerly located in Baltimore, can attest to that.

As for the Birds pitching, I'm secure in the knowledge that Bruce Chen may be called on to deliver in the clutch. Are you?

Ill put up more money than what's lost at the Preakness that by September the Os will have dropped like they just took a Darryl Strawberry haymaker to the jaw. The better Baltimore question is how long until Sammy tears a muscle off his bone a la Armanblow Benitez? Pretentious Paulie can describe the anaboliphysics behind that malady.

2.
I know Khalid said there is no racism in b-ball. But are you sure that Stern trying to put age restrictions is preventing Black and inner city b-ballers the opportunities? Like really, come on... think about it.
-Gordon

As a certain pretentier (is that even a word?) has pointed out repeatedly "it's all about economics." So in that light... With the exception of Interscope CEO Jimmy Iovine, nobody has put more black men on MTV Cribs then David Stern. The NBA has even been an equal opportunity employer to numerous foreigners from former Communist countries. Plus, without looking at the stats: (Pretentious peeps don't need stats to make a point?) I'd say the NBA has more black folk in positions of power then the other three major American Athletic leagues combined.

Now, if only the NBA could find some money to feed Latrell's illegitimate kids and keep them chromed out 22's spinnin'. That would be really hood.

3.
Do you think that Lennon is considered the genius of the Beatles because he had (arguably) a better solo career than Paul and had the tragic death? Or is Lennon really that much better? Come on, dude, Paul's cuts are the best on "Abbey Road," "Let it Be," "Sgt Pepper," and probably the white album too. Let's not forget "Hey Jude!" I don't know, no disrespect to John, but if Paul didn't do those horrible albums with Wings not to mention his pop 80's career I might say he was John's equal (don't forget "Plastic Ono Band.")

Not surprisingly, I've had this argument over many a pint with a Pretentious Brit buddy of mine, who swears that the Beatles are dying off in order of talent. Ringo's next. Personally, I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy a McCartney song just as much as the next screaming bobby-soxer. Yes, the 80's certainly took some of the luster off his immortal finish, but come on, 'Say, Say, Say' was awesome. Remember the video where MJ dressed up as a depression era huckster selling 'Revitalizing Tonic' and stuck his hand down the poorboy's overalls while Sir Paul munched on a carrot?

I've digressed. Seriously, I think the disparity in popularity has more to do with the fact that while John fashioned himself a working class hero and selflessly sang for peace across the universe, Paul's spent his sunshine years squashing sample requests [shameless rapnerd.com plug here] and milking every last cent out of his fans. So in that light, I nominate Sir Paul McCartney for the Pretentious Hall of Fame. Oh yeah. All that plus the fact that 'Ob-La-Di' sucked ass.

Pretentious Prediction: May 25th, Liverpool over Milan for the European Championship. That's all for now folks, enjoy your meal. I heard the lamb is delish.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

MIKEY DOESN'T LIKE IT: Fired Up Over the Yankees "Flawed" Team

2005-05-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

by Michael Lungariello

OK. Maybe I missed something. Where were all these "Yankees put together a flawed team" pundits this winter or spring? When did all these writers decide that the Yanks aren't going to win 100 games, like they all predicted? Did they forget what they said? Could they at least admit that they made a mistake or at least retract statements they made, maybe offer readers an apology? This is really agitating me. It just proves that like weatherman, sports experts could change their predictions however much they like, based on what they are seeing. "Monday will be sunny around 80 degrees." Come Monday, it's pouring rain. "Today we have rain, rain, and more rain." Good job! "These Yankees will win 160 games!" Come May with an under .500 record and now "These Yankees are flawed." Tomfoolery. Pure tomfoolery.

Last night, I shut the game off and was writing off the team as underachievers and was annoyed at the complacency of the Manager. Today, I am pulling for them to lose a few more games and let them totally get ruled out by the "experts." Then, smoke everyone down the stretch. Are they flawed? All teams are. Are the better than last year? They have to be, no Vasquez or Felix Heredia and a Randy Johnson added to name a few improvements.

Maybe the team needs this. When have these guys ever had to overcome some adversity like this, especially guys like Jeter and Posada who have always won? And honestly, if they can't get past this, then they don't deserve anything anyway. Maybe, we will really find out what Jeter, Mariano and Torre are really made of, because a man's character is really put to the test in times of adversity not glory. Are we sad to see Bernie benched like that? Sure. But, it happened 26 games too late, and maybe, this will help him give the team one more year of clutch hitting. Maybe, just maybe, this wakes the team up a little bit. Maybe we can really see what Cashman is made of now, since he will be fired if things don't change. Or at least he will be fired if I have anything to say about it.

THAT'S LYPHE: Owens is Worse for Phila Fans than Losing the Super Bowl

2005-05-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

I'm a pissed off Eagles fan. Through and through. I'm pissed off and everyone who follows Philadelphia football, or football in general should be too.

You see, I consider myself a loyal fan for any team I follow, despite the sometimes painful experiences sports loyalty brings. I have endured the dire New York Knicks over the last years. I was watching when my New York Yankees rose and then subsequently crumbled to the enemy Red Sox last year. I have even thrown things Happy Gilmore style at the screen watching Tiger Woods miss a put at the 17th hole. And that's golf! But all of my emotions and frustrations and pain are nothing compared to what I've gone through watching "my" football team the Philadelphia Eagles over the last five years. I've watched them lose three of four NFC championships, just to see them win the NFC last year... only to lose the Super Bowl to the New England Patriots. I've said "There's always next year" so many times that I can't even count. But all of the letdowns and frustration and disappointment don't even scratch the surface of my feelings about this year's Eagles mini-camp.

In case you don't know, the purpose of the post draft camp is for rookies to meet and scrimmage with veterans of their new franchises, or new homes if you will. And if you've lived in a bubble, the last three weeks, you'd also probably have heard that three veterans of the Eagles didn’t show up for camp. Most notably, super star wide receiver Terrell "Terr-ible" Owens.

This issue for his absence is based solely on the fact that he wants to renegotiate his contract. The lucrative deal that Owens signed last year pays him close to $49 million over seven years, including a signing bonus worth $9.6 million. By the way, the word signed is italicized for a good reason. He put his name on the dotted line. Nobody made him do it; in fact it’s exactly what he wanted a year ago. He and his then agent, David Joseph, negotiated this deal that made him the third highest paid wide receiver in the NFL behind the Colts Marvin Harrison and Minnesota Viking turned Oakland Raider, Randy Moss.

But this wasn’t good enough for Owens, the Terrible. I guess if you believe in your heart that you are the best, well then you deserve the best... best contract that is. Owens fired David Joseph, a long time friend by the way, and hired Drew RO$ENHAUS. The famed Rosenhaus is to the NFL what Scott Boras is to MLB. Both money hungry and greed-driven, but the truth is they get ridiculously bloated contracts signed... and in cases like Owens', renogotiated.

Rosenhaus is the closest to a super star agent as there is in the NFL and he's making 7 figures a year without a question. But his 15% of TO's $7 million is not enough (did Terrell complain about feeding his kids yet?), they are pounding on Eagles President Joe Banner’s door for more. If Joe Banner is anything like David Banner, he’s surely turning puke-nuclear green right now.

First of all, Owens is 31 years old, and he received a multi-million dollar long-term contract from the Eagles. That’s something that Banner has never believed in. Any player over thirty is just not of primary interest in Philadelphia. Unlike my Uncle George (Steinbrenner), they believe in scouting fresh young talent to come in and win for them. They tend to stray from giving big contracts to older players who are more than likely searching for a big payday to help them ride off into the sunset and retire financial stable for a generation or three.

The Eagles demonstrated this by dismantling their Pro Bowl Cornerback duo of Troy Vincent, and Bobby Taylor, who were both players over the age of thirty. They brought in two Corners that were still wet behind the ears in Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown. The result? The Eagles were still top ten in total defense, and Brown went to the Pro Bowl at the end of last season. These guys in Philly are experts at what they do, and getting young talent that can be effective right away is one of their specialties.

But Donavon McNabb, the hero and star of the team, wanted Owens. He felt something good about him. He told Joe Banner and Eagles coach Andy Reid that Owens was possibly the missing piece to their Super Bowl Championship puzzle. And they both believed, because their star quarterback said it was so. Boy, were they stupid! Now this idiot Owens wants more money and he has publicly criticized Donovan saying that he was tired during the drive that came a few minutes too late during their lost Super Bowl. That drive still gives me nightmares. I swear, during that drive I could hum the entire Final Jeopardy theme every time they went into their huddle.

Terrell is a jerk. No one could ever blame me for being loyal to a player and not the team. I don’t care if you’re A-Rod with the Yankees, Owens with the Eagles, Stephon Marbury with the Knicks, or even Tiger’s golf caddy. If you suck with them, you gotta be some where else. If you complain about how you’re getting treated and it’s not legitimate? You gotta pack up and bounce, son. If you’re third highest paid at your position and you want more when you got something you probably wouldn’t have got in the first place? Hit the road, homey. I don’t play that. Take what you got and live with it. Yes, Owens was outstanding in the last Super Bowl. If the Eagles won then he would have probably been the MVP. But remember it’s still a team sport. You’re not the world, Terrell. You’re exactly what Donovan and the staff thought you were. You’re the missing piece; but still a piece. You are just one part in a whole that makes up the word “team”.

If it’s really that bad, then trade your player salary with my journalist salary. Then we’ll see some real complaining. Take it to People's Court with Judge Khalid. "You signed the contract, you play the game." Get with it. Get a grip and play football.

It’s that simple.

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS DEBATE: Who is More Overpaid in NY? Part 2

2005-05-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

transcript from yesterday's episode of PS.com CROSSFIRE.

This week, as usual, Pretentious is having a no holds barred debate about a serious issue. We pick up from yesterday where we left in the midst of discussing the question

Which NY baseball star is more overpaid: Arod or Beltran?

read Part 1 here.

Now for part 2:

KHALID WASHINGTON, Senior Staff Writer, PretentiousSports.com: Matt, you are usually my best friend and biggest supporter in this conversations. But you have now betrayed me. This is the most hurt I have felt in years.

But in reality, in none of the major three sports can one individual win the whole thing. That's why the trophies are handed out to a team. Jordan didn't do it until Pippen came along. Then he got Paxson, Kerr, Toni Kukoc, Horace Grant, and of course Rodman. That's when he started to get the rings. But he was still the star and that's why he got the big bucks. you need a good supporting cast around you to get that. A-Rod has that. He has Jeter (I think the best Yankee and top 3 American league player since '96), Sheff, Big Unit and Pavano, Sandman, Godzilla, and Torre is one of the best coaches in the game's history. So how come they couldn't do it last year? Why is the 250 million dollar man not able to solve the drought for the most popular team in sports?

MATT LUNGARIELLO, senior writer, PretentiousSports.com: Well, they were 3 outs from sweeping the eventual World Champions... but other than that I dont have an answer for you. I meant that one player can change the entire team in basketball, not like baseball... Lebron, Nash, blah blah...

Back to the original question, that's why they play the games. Thats why the Pistons beat the Lakers, because you cant rely of who would win on paper, you have to go out and play the game.

Also, comparing postseason stats in baseball to other sports isn't fair. Hitters have to face the best pitchers, and vice versa. I know the same rules apply in basketball but I don't like the sport as much as baseball.

WASHINGTON: You don't like basketball as much as baseball? So that means that it's harder? Ok. I ahem, "agree" with you there.

DAN DELLICARPINI, PretentiousSports staff and associate editor: According to information by Majestic Athletic, baseball merchandise is up 100% from last year. And by the way, the best selling baseball jerseys are as follows: Carlos Beltran (Mets), Barry Bonds (Giants), Roger Clemens (Astros), Eric Gagne (Dodgers), Nomar Garciaparra (Cubs), Vladimir Guerrero (Angels), Derek Jeter (Yankees), Randy Johnson (Yankees), Pedro Martinez (Mets), Mark Prior (Cubs), Albert Pujols (Cardinals), Alex Rodriguez (Yankees), Ivan Rodriguez (Tigers), Curt Schilling (Red Sox), Jason Varitek (Red Sox).

BEN FORTNEY, local folk hero and Pretentious Friend: The Yankees make up 32% of merchandise. But the jersey listing isn't by popularity! The fact that both Beltran and Pedro are on that list shows that they were worth the dollars paid for them.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Well, it's Pedro and Beltran's first year. What's amazing is that Jeter is on that list since that jersey has been out for yrs. Beltran's jersey will be everywhere in three years including my back.

FORTNEY: if Upper Deck Matty is on his way to purchasing Metropolitans merchandise then it was worth the dollars.

DELLICARPINI: I don't know if it's just me or not, but i'm finding it very easy to be a Mets fan this season.

FORTNEY: Well, after one month I think it's been because they're playing the best baseball in NY.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Yeah, you and every other New York frontrunner. Go Yankees!

FORTNEY: Screw frontrunners. Bring back Tim Bogar! Or another #42... Butch Huskey.

ALL TOGETHER NOW: Amen.

SPRINGER'S FINAL THOUGHT:

If we've learned anything from today's debate, it's that New York Yankees fans think Beltran is overpaid and New York Mets fans don't. Everybody thinks Arod is overpaid, but at least Yankees' fans support him, except Khalid who says he will only be a Yankee if Arod wins a ring. And we also learned that if you are the only Philadelphia baseball fan in the room (Marco Tavares) you won't have much to say about anything.

Peace, love, and be pretentious to each other.

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS DEBATE: Who is More Overpaid in NY? Part 1

2005-05-03T05:47:00.000-07:00

transcript from today's episode of PS.com CROSSFIRE

This week, as usual, Pretentious is having a no holds barred debate about a serious issue. We begin…

This week’s issue:

Which NY Baseball Star is more overpaid: Alex Rodriguez or Carlos Beltran?

DAN DELLICARPINI, PretentiousSports staff writer /associate editor: Based on time played for their respective teams and current stats, Carlos Beltran gets my vote.

JOHN RAIMONDO, PretentiousSports contributor and admitted Mets fan: A-rod. It’s not even about New York. How about he makes a $100 million more than anybody else? No one should be paid that much. I have no problem with Beltran.

A-rod should agree to give back some money every time he is up at bat in a clutch situation and he does not come through. I love A-rod, please keep that in mind, it’s just he is the one who is overpaid.

KHALID WASHINGTON, PretentiousSports Senior Writer, and part of the anti-Arod bandwagon: Hmmmm, that's a tough choice. But, you know who I'm voting for; and they don't call him Pay-Rod for nothing.

MARCO TAVARES, PretentiousSports contributor and Philadelphia supporter: Gotta be Arod. No one deserves 25 million a year. The only person who you could make an argument for deserving that much (and he doesn’t) is Barry Bonds if he continued to play a little bit better then he has the last three years.We all know those stats where Arod gets paid more than everyone, so there’s no need to even bring that up

DELLICARPINI: Well, are we basing this entirely on salary, or performance vs. salary? Because if it's just about the check, then Arod all the way.

WASHINGTON: I would say it is performance compared to salary. A-Rod didn't break any single season records that I know of. Maybe he has actually, but it wasn't a “big important” record, like HR’s or batting average.

He's a career .305 hitter (including this year. The end of '04, he was a career .295 hitter), and his average goes up to about .325 during the post season. The down side is that his other numbers go down during the post season. Starting from his first full season (146 games in '96) he has hit an average of 41 hr each season. That's an average of 1 HR in approximately every 3 AB. But in the postseason he has 6 HR in 24 plate appearances which of course is one every 4 AB. Those postseason numbers would be significantly better if he didn't fall apart at the conclusion of the '04 ALCS. His OBP goes down slightly as well when you compare career plate appearances to post season plate appearances.

And I'm sorry, the bottom line in my opinion is you get the big bucks for the big victory. Michael Jordan was one of, if not the most dominant player in the history of basketball. Perhaps in the history of sports. And he didn't start making his record $36 million a year until he started cranking out championships. A-Rod does not deserve the money he gets. He hasn't won anything, but some band wagon fans and a few women's panties getting wet when they see him in person on the field. I would take him down to about 16-18 million which is about average for a star caliber player in MLB today. Damn straight he's one of the best in the game. But I agree with Marco, nobody in sports is worth that much money.

BUDDY LUNG, PretentiousSports contributing editor, and Khalid’s constant argument opponent: I could make a better argument for paying Jason Giambi the money he is getting paid to walk a few times and strikeout at least once a game than I can agree that Beltran is paid what he's worth. If you think A-Rod makes more money that someone "should" (whatever that means), fine but to say he is more overpaid than Beltran is ridiculous.

Beltran is a solid fielder but not the best in the game (actually it's arguable that Mike Cameron be moved from CF on the Mets, because you'd be crazy to say Beltran is a step up from a multiple gold glover like Cameron). As for Beltran’s offensive numbers... he's a big strike out victim, as is Arod, which is fine for a power hitter... except for the fact Beltran hasn't really proven to be a power hitter. Whereas Arod, as Khalid says averages 41 homeruns a season, Beltran has only hit 30 homeruns once (last year) and hit over 25 three times. Giambi, despite his epic downfall, hit over 30 five times. Beltran has a career high of 108 RBI on the year, meanwhile Arod hit 106 last year and everyone is complaining how terrible of a season Arod had.

So that leaves Beltran with what? His hits and on base play? We already said he is a strike out guy, but he's not much of a walk guy either. His OBP career is .350 and his BA career is .285 which is decent but not worth one of the biggest contracts in baseball history. If you're going to compare the two, Arod was and probably still is the best all around player in the game and therefore has the biggest contract in the game. Even Giambi who is ridiculously overpaid had numbers offensively that shamed Beltran. The truth is Beltran got this contract because Omar Minaya wanted to make a statement and because Beltran had one of the more stellar postseason performances of all time... too bad he fell short and didn't win anything, eh Khalid?

Beltran is more overpaid than Arod not a question.

MATT LUNGARIELLO, PretentiousSports Senior Writer: He is worth that much money, because as soon as he became a Yankee, their ticket sales, jersey sales, and all sorts of Arod memorabilia, including ten foot tall bobbleheads – I have one - began selling like crack and illegal gambling does at the Lungariello house. He makes the team more money than he makes. He still wins the battle between Beltran and Arod in my opinion.

And Khalid: not a fair comparison with Jordan.... One player cannot win a championship in baseball. In basketball, you can.

DELLICARPINI: I'm agreeing with Mark.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: Me too.

WASHINGTON: I agree too. Wait… should I be agreeing with Mark?

DELLICARPINI: I'd like to see the breakdown of merchandise sales by player.

BEN FORTNEY, PretentiousSports friend and “Moneyball” proponent: We already know the Yankees are the #1 seller, but how much does Arod pull in alone? If that's the basis for paying Arod as much as they do, wouldn't an even more loved player, for illustration purposes let's call him #2, be worth that much more? What if #2 is a "winner" as well? and he's a draw at the ballpark? I would think 2nd ballplayer would be worth more.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: I call Kris Benson to the stand.

DELLICARPINI: The combined merchandise sales of Arod and Jeter probably rival theirsalaries, but I'd like to see numbers on this.

MATT LUNGARIELLO: I’ve got all the numbers....

18, 24, 109, 991, 76, 222, 19379...

There’s the proof. You want numbers, there they are. What they mean I don't know, but there they are.

I do know that the day after the yanks traded for Arod, they sold 300,000 tickets... one day!

If you say the average ticket is $25 -which it isn’t it’s a lot more- that’s 7,500,000.00.

BUDDY LUNG: I like the number 42 the best.

BEN FORTNEY: I was a Mo Vaughn fan too.

BUDDY LUNG: I was actually thinking about #42 as from Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy which by the way is now a movie in theatres with Mos Def, two things I like but never thought would end up in the same sentence.

But anyway, you're right about Vaughn, didn't they retire #42 league wide a few years ago in Mo's honor?

MATT LUNGARIELLO: it wasn’t Mo, actually it was Wonderful Monds of the Atlanta Braves. Real player by the way.

WASHINGTON: As the only Black guy in this room, I feel I have to stop the jokes and give the respect to Jackie Robinson for #42 retiring.

BUDDY LUNG: Party pooper.

There's more arguing on it's way!

PART 2 of this weeks Pretentious Sports debate appears tomorrow only right here on PretentiousSports.com!

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 5/2/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-05-02T06:49:00.000-07:00

what the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung

SCHILLING / PINIELLA WITH GLOVES OFF - Some verbal jabs were exchanged in the media between Sox ace Curt Schilling and Tampa manager Lou Piniella after the Tampa Bay / Boston fracas last week. Among other things, Schilling referred to Lou as "an idiot," but coming from a Red Sock (or is it a Red Sox?) "idiot" would be a compliment, right?

SELIG PROPOSES NEW & TOUGHER STEROID POLICY TO P.A. - It would have been cute if Selig "proposed" to the players association on the stadium scoreboard like other people do. I would always be afraid that my would-be fiancee would be getting up to get a hot dog during the proposal though.

JAMES TONEY WINS TITLE / BEATS JOHN RUIZ - After the loss Ruiz said he plans to retire. He cited general fatigue and aging as well as constant scrutiny and insults from fans and media. Well, boo hoo Ruiz you big freaking baby! "Nobody likes me!" You stink! ...So there proved you wrong about that scrutiny thing.

PHIL JACKSON ALLEGEDLY OFFERED CAVS COACHING JOB - Taking the job is really not the right way to disprove the "Jackson isn't as good as his resume, he's just lucky enough to have coached the best players in the league" theory.

And let's not forget there are still some playoffs going on in the Spring (take note NHL):

HEAT SWEEP THE NETS IN NBA 1ST ROUND - As Shaq might say "SHAZAAM!"

SUNS SWEEP GRIZZLIES IN NBA 1ST ROUND - After the sweep, Jason Williams fought with a reporter, snagging a pen from the journalist's hand. But don't overreact remember it is truly mightier than the sword after all.

CELTICS / PACERS NBA PLAYOFF (2-2) SHAPING UP FOR DRAMA - Granted, most of the drama is fan, player, and ref safety... At least we know Ron Artest isn't in the building.

PISTONS LEAD SIXERS 3-1 IN PLAYOFF SERIES - Showing that some people just don't learn their lessons, another Detroit fan was charged for throwing something at an opposing team's player. The fan apparently threw a coin at Sixers' Iverson during play. Hey, fan... nice gesture, but it was Sprewell who needed to feed his kids, not Iverson!

THE WIZARDS / BULLS PLAYOFF SERIES - Or as I call it, the "Who wishes they had MJ more?" series.

SPURS LEAD SERIES VERSUS NUGGETS - Spurs' Manu Ginobilli scored 32 points off the bench to lead the Spurs to it's victory on Saturday. Many Ginobilli... And I thought Tim Duncan didn't have a super star name.

SONICS LEAD KINGS 3-1 - That Webber trade seemed like such a good idea a few weeks ago, didn't it?

ROCKETS / MAVS ALL TIED UP AT 2 - So much for my Rockets' sweep prediction.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Talks No Super Star NBA Playoffs, Denies the Existence of Racism, and Tells Girls They're Fat

2005-04-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

-How bad is it that Lebron and Kobe aren't in the playoffs right now? -Via e-mail

Dear e-mail person:
I don't' know why you would e-mail us, as we here at "Pretentious Sports.Com" get most of our questions via phone or fax.

I don't' see it as so bad that LeBron and Kobe are not in the playoffs. There are still some superstars that can hold it down for the NBA. Guys like Shaq, Kidd, Tim Duncan, Notwitski, and Carmelo Anthony are still alive and kicking so it's not that big of a deal.

Hopefully, we will see King James in the playoffs again soon. Cleveland needs to build the right mix of players around James. Think of it like mixing weed and brownies. If you don't' get the ingredients right, then you don't get the proper effect. Well, at least that's what our editor told me.

Personally I lost a lot of respect for Kobe Bryant. Not because of the rape thing by the way. it's not like I support rape and think it should be a national past time, or anything. Just cause I'm the Dating Game guy doesn't mean I'm that nuts.

In the basketball world, Kobe single handedly destroyed a powerful dynasty, which had the potential for at least two more title runs. That would be a total of five championships over the span of seven years. They clearly would have been considered one the best dynasties in the history of not just basketball, but the history of American sports. All if not for one selfish person; one guy who just had the be the center of the mêlée. Kobe didn't like that he wasn't the only superstar on the squad, he argued with his coach (of all people!), and put the owner in his back pocket as ammo to take down whomever he needed to take down. Hence, the expulsion of what we in the beginning of a new millennium could have witnessed and told our children's children about. Thanks Kobe. See how stupid you really are in the grand scheme of things? Next question.

Dear Pretentious:Do you think the NBA wanting to make age restrictions for players racist? I know you guys are the #1 source for civil liberties after your wonderful Pro-Chris House campaign?
-Gordon Panks

Shouts to my homeboy Delli for getting that exclusive for Pretentious Sports. Eat your heart out ESPN! We beat you. Again...

Now, Gordon, what does age restriction have to do with racism? Get a grip. Racism no longer exists in the world of sports. Nor does it exist in sports journalism. I mean I'm the only African-American writer for this team, and it might be true that I'm the only one with no office, no secretary, no company car or annual salary. But hey! You gotta start from the bottom and work your way up. Gordon, don't ever write in again. Racism? Ha! Never heard of it. Next.

YO:
Do you ever go to a bar and see really fat girls in bikini tops and short skirts and think that on the other end of that outfit is a friend or boyfriend or husband saying "I'm serious, you don't look fat in that outfit?" Can't we just be honest?
Bruised and Abused

Dear Bruised and Abused,
Is your name from the fact that you were sat on by your wife? Ok that wasn't nice, I'm sorry. But yes, I'm sure that the really fat girls have boyfriends and husband telling them that they don't' look fat but they really do.

I tell girls they look fat all the time. Even to girls I don't know walking down the street. That's how I stay in so much shape. Because after you say it, you gotta run like your being chased by bison. Well, a bison actually is chasing you when you think about it, but that's a different story.

Well, this is my last installment on Ask Pretentious for now. Thank you everyone who had questions to ask. Pretentious Sports loves to help you out with anything you need to know. Next month we will be showcasing the talented Mr. Ben Fortney. So until next time, PEACE and LOVE. Signing off.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS DEBATE: One White Sock... Or is it One White Sox?

2005-04-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

transcript from today's episode of PS.com CROSSFIRE

Today Pretentious is having a no holds barred debate about a serious issue. The time honored debate that has sparked controvery in the MLB world... The singular of White Sox.

Is one member of the White Sox one White Sock or one White Sox?

DAN DELLICARPINI, staff writer and associate editor said: "Why weren't the Red Sox used as an example? Then I could've said something funny. Like 'Unkempt Dipshit.' I'd probably call em a White Sock, or 'a member of the White Sox,' or 'Cracker-ass-cracker.' Whichever."

KHALID WASHINGTON, staff writer and pro dater, said: "Well, in the technical sense it is one white sock... but in terms of the sports franchise it would be one white sox."

BUDDY LUNG, contributing editor said: "OK, Khalid, but this begs the question that if there is such a thing as one Sox, then WHAT THE HELL IS A SOX?"

DELLICARPINI: "But 'Sox' isnt a word. It's a play off of 'Socks,' so is it stillplural in its misspelled form?

WASHINGTON: "But in Microsoft Word, Sox is accepted as a word. So it must be one."

MATT LUNGARIELLO, senior staff writer, said: "Sox ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sks) n. A plural of sock1. "

DELLICARPINI: "Isn't knowledge obtained through the internet invalid or something? Doens't that need to come from like an actual book? I'm still going with 'sox' isn't a real word. Next thing you know, we'll all be saying 'eleventeen.'"

WASHINGTON: "They still make books?"

BUDDY LUNG: "So if Sox is the plural of Sock as you say, then it means that one White Sox member is a White Sock."

MATT LUNGARIELLO: "I say YES network."

And so ends the debate. If majority rules, one White Sox is a White Sock. The end. PS.com has spoken.

THAT'S LYHE: Arod: "I'm Still Not Convinced!"

2005-04-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

by Khalid Washington

The setting-Pretentious Sports Headquarters.

The date-Tuesday April 26 2005.

The game-New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Angels.

During his first at bat with runners on first and second, Alex Rodriguez ripped a shot over the left field wall to give the Yankees a 3-0 lead. Right before the at-bat I told my Co-Senior Staff Writer Matty Lungs that I wasn't convinced.

"I don't care," I said matter-of-factly. "He's not worth the money. He's the highest paid player in the game." Then boom, he hit the shot.

"That's why he gets the big bucks!" exclaimed Matt as we watched the replay. But I wasn't buying it. Not one bit.

"Let's see him do it again", I snapped towards Matt.

Then in his second at bat, he received a hearty cheer from the crowd. He had a runner on first base with two outs. "He's gonna choke," I thought to myself. He entered the game with a .154 average with two outs and runners on base. I figured the first one was a lucky swing, he must have accidentally timed it right or something.

Then it happened again. He connected with a two-seam fastball and sent it sailing into the night. Two run home run and the Yankees now had a 5-2 lead.

"Brilliant!" yelled Matt in his best Guinness drinker's voice. I cheered along and quickly calmed myself.

"I'm still not convinced," I said coldly.

His third at bat came. This time the bases were loaded, once again with two outs. Matt looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, but not a gay-lovers-who-are-about-to-make-out smile. It was an I-know-what-he-is-thinking smile. And Matt was giving me an I-know-that-smile-means-you-know-what-I-am-thinking-by-my-smile. Matt was waiting for another. And so was I... in a way...

In my Yankee heart, that has navy blue blood running through it, I wanted Arod to do it again. I wanted to see him have an historical evening in The Bronx. But in my Steinbrenner mind, I knew this wasn't enough.

Rodriguez hit 36 home runs last year. That's the second fewest in his career. If Jeter hits 36 then it's a career year. And in my opinion Jeter is the best all around player on the team. But he does not possess pure A-Rod power. A-Rod power has hit 52 home runs in a season. In his MVP season he hit 47 homers. That's what I know of A-Rod, and that's what I like about A-Rod. And in the end, that's what I WANT from A-Rod. You are supposed to make the team better around you if you're an MVP. He did not do that last season. That's why Sheffield was the runner up and he wasn't. Sheffield carried that team last season with clutch hitting and clutch at bats. But that is still A-Rod's role on this team no matter what happened last year. It's Arod's job to put the ball over the fence.

As all of this ran through my mind, Angel's pitcher Bartolo Colon served up a 3 ball 2 strike fastball to Rodriguez. Alex immediately put it over the centerfield wall. Grand slam home run. Alex Rodriguez, a.k.a. Pay-Rod has a stellar performance, eventually going 4 for 5 with 10 RBI.

But, I'm still not convinced. I will keep saying this until he does it when it counts. Do it at Fenway Park, Alex. Do it in the ALCS. Do it in the World Series, if we can get there. I mean come on Alex; Act like the highest paid and arguably the best player in Major League Baseball, and win. Put the team on your back. Make the big hits that help the squad to pull through. Make the diving stop at third base and throw out the speedy centerfielder sprinting up the line. Be the hero you were brought here to be. Not just last night, do it once a week. Or maybe three times a month. Is that too much to ask for? It would be if Arod wasn't being paid more than the Devil Rays entire payroll this year.

He has hit eight home runs so far this season. If he hits eight every month during the season, he will have 42 on the year. At this rate, his RBI total will be astronomical, and of course 42 home runs would mean an exceptional batting average. This could only add up to one thing: an MVP season.

Please don't get me wrong; it's not that I hate Alex Rodriguez. It's that I love the New York Yankees. So any player who is there and not doing what you were brought in for, you have to leave. I can't make it any more simple than that. So Mr.. Rodriguez, congratulations on a great feat. But it was just one night. Hopefully this writer can say you earned your pinstripes when I watch you hoist the World Series trophy in 2005.

I'll be waiting...

MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: We Have Entered the Matrix

2005-04-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

by Dan Dellicarpini

So I’ve hooked up Pretentious Sports to a tracking device that monitors who visits the site and how they’ve come here. What’s cool is that when people visit the site, you can see what they searched for that brought them here in the first place.

Here are some actual searches done through Yahoo.com, which lead readers to Pretentious Sports:

1. “Why women should not be able to play man sports”
Does this even need answering? Well, I guess it did to the person who searched for it. I like how they specified “MAN sports,” as opposed to just regular “sports.”

2. “Women don’t like sports”
Is this a statement or a question? It could go either way. Just like the WNBA.

3. “Bill Clinton admits to using drugs”
He did? Really? Oh yeah, that’s right, the whole “I didn’t exhale” thing. Now I remember…

4. “Cell phone poem”
Interesting search. I wonder if phone poems differ from hand-held haiku or PDA prose.

5. “Bill Clinton – ‘I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman’"
Not only does it seem like someone’s out to get ol’ Bill, but they’re really not up-to-date on their news. I mean, this stuff is years old now. What’re you going to even do with this info?

6. “Gino's in Philly”
Sucks. It’s all about Jim’s Steaks baby! Refer to Paul’s article from a few weeks back.

7. “Monetary value of the average points made based on the 76ers payroll”
What a confusing search. I think what the person wants to know is what each point is worth, after factoring in the 76ers payroll and amount of points scored during the season. Ok, let me take a stab at this:

Since 2005 isn’t over technically, I’ll go with 2003-2004 stats. Player expenses were around $65 million (including bonuses and whatnot), so I’ll base all numbers on that.

Games played: 75
Points averaged per game: 99.1 (source: nba.com)
Total points: 7432.5
Dollars per point: $8745.37

There you go.

8. “Super sexy wives underwear”
Once again, not just ANY wives underwear, but “super sexy” wives underwear. Why this person thought Pretentious Sports had any of this is beyond me.

9. “Sexy game”
There aren’t too many sports I’d consider “sexy.” Maybe mud wrestling or foxy-boxing. Certainly not the WNBA.

OFF THE MARK: Despite Slow Start, Schilling Still Loves Himself

2005-04-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

written by Mark Intentionally

TAMPA BAY - Since coming back from ankle surgery in the offseason, Red Sox ace Curt Schilling has given up 3 or more earned runs per game and just a bit under one run per inning. Despite the slow start, though, Schilling says he still loves himself.

"After what I've done for New England and how great of a competitor I am, it won't affect anyone's perception of me. I'm that good, man," Schilling said. "Remember those bloody socks? I'm a hero. A friggin hero and even after this slow start I can still pitch better than you."

Schilling may have come back from surgery a bit too quickly,

but he's willing to forgive himself. Cause he's that doggone awesome!

Schilling, who has consistently reminded everyone what an athletic feat it was for him to take the mound last postseason with an injured ankle, hopes for a speedy recovery. He announced after winning the World Series that the 2004 Red Sox were the best Red Sox team ever, despite the fact that the five prior Red Sox World Champ teams featured players like Babe Ruth and Cy Young to name a few.

"It doesn't matter who was on those teams," Curt said. "I am the most righteous pitcher in the major leagues... EVER!" Schilling said he will stick by himself no matter what happens.

"I do not forget how completely A #1 awesome I am," he said with a sigh. "And even though I'm going through hard times right now, it's early in the season. After all I've done, I just have to take it slow and know I will return to the heights of awesomness-iety. Yes, I'm that awesome!"

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/25/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-04-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

NFL DRAFT TAKES PLACE - Let me guess Khalid: over the weekend you "drafted" some fine honey in the Dating Game and that proves your love life is a sport, right?

NBA PLAYOFFS BEGIN WITHOUT SUPER STARS- The two biggest stars in the league right now, Kobe and LeBron, both didn't make the playoffs. And if you think they're bigger stars, notice I didn't have to use their last names. I guess there's "Shaq" too but after the movie "Steel" I don't know if I can call him a super star ever again.

MLB: BOSTON / TAMPA BENCHES CLEAR - I don't know the details, but I know I'm on the Red Sox side. Tampa Bay should have thought better than naming themselves Devil Rays if they want me to think they're the good guys.

FORMER PHILLIE DYKSTRA ACCUSED OF STEROIDS AND GAMBLING - In a new lawsuit business partner claims Lenny Dykstra used steroids and gambled on baseball. As if that isn't enough, the partner also called Lenny a "doo doo head."

OAK RAIDERS QB GANNON MIGHT RETIRE FROM NECK INJURY - Would it be wrong to make a Bobblehead doll joke here?

HEAT WINS, BUT SHAQ NOT HAPPY - He said he wasn't his usual "Shaq Diesel" self in the Heat's Game 1 win over the Nets. How does he feel about his level of Shaq-dieselness in the movie "Steel."

NOMAR TEARS MUSCLE, PLACED ON DL - This guy is starting to seem like he is (ahem) "cursed."

BONDS FACES SETBACK ON RETURN TO MLB - Some call them "performance enhancers," some call them "setbacks." Was what I said a low blow? Maybe, but what do you expect when you crowd the plate like that?

VIJAY SINGH WINS HOUSTON OPEN - And he's a favorite to win the Houston Closed.

NO DISCIPLINE AGAINST SHEFFIELD FOR FAN INCIDENT - It's a shock to many critics who figured Selig would at least send Sheff to bed without supper.

SUPPORT CHRIS HOUSE 2 of 2: Chris House Didn't Interfere

2005-04-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: Many have criticized we at Pretentious for having a decidedly Yankee-centric view concerning baseball. This, of course is not true from "the most unbiased site on the net." To prove ourselves, we have launched a "Support Chris House" campaign. Yes, I know we were the first to break the story of Mr. House's identity... and we made fun of him in that breaking news story and our weekly news breakdown. But, come on! That's in the past now. We are now on his side, and I take part 2 of 2 of this week's campaign to "Support Chris House." –Mark

by The Iron Lung

You call what Chris House did in Boston earlier this month "fan interference," you call it "assault;" I call it "homefield advantage." You say that the fan who threw a beer at Ron Artest was "out of line" I say "he's root-root-rooting for the hometeam." That's right, everyone, unlike most, I am not afraid to say what I really feel. I'm on the side of the fans. Maybe everyone is, but they just don't want to admit it in polite conversation.

"Whether Chris House meant to hit Sheffield or not," these girlymen or sissywomen say, "he should not have been reaching onto the field anyway." These people against House say that fans are spectators and nothing more and alcohol and bad morals pervading in society have caused various incidents by fans crossing the line of what is right and what is wrong...

Well, guess what? The only thing wrong is that these "FOX sports fans" (the ones who only watch the playoffs) is that they've never sat in the Bleachers at Fenway Park or in the nosebleeds of the Coliseum. That's why there is such a thing as a "home town." That's why real teams have a home stadium or park, so that "we" as fans can "help" them win. Disagree? Well, guess what? You're wrong, I'm right.

Don't believe it? Well, let's just take for example the concept of a homefield advantage in general. Every team in every sport has a homefield. They don't need to have one. They don't need to be the Chicago Bears... they could just be the Bears. They could go on a stadium tour and accumulate fans all over the country (maybe even Canada) and play "exhibitions." But, they are not the Bears. They are the Chicago Bears. They even spent a few million dollars to build an ugly stadium in South Chicago. Why? To give them friggin homefield advantage that's why. The only team that doesn't want a homefield advantage are the Harlem Globetrotters, and despite their name, they are not based out of Harlem. Also, the only reason the Globetrotters don't need a homefield advantage is because they pay the other team to lose to them. So in other words, they don't need a homefield advantage!

Come on, is this really that difficult to comprehend.?

If you're still having trouble admitting Chris House did the right thing, then consider this: the goal for any pro sports team is what? To win.

To win what? Championships.

To get to championships, you need to enter what? That's right, you need to enter the playoffs.

And the team with the best record in the league gets what advantage in the playoffs? That's right, the winningest team "wins" homefield advantage...

There wouldn't be such a big deal for homefield advantage if it wasn't a factor, which begs the question why is it a factor? Well, it's a factor because of fear, baby. Straight up fear.

Imagine Gary Sheffield in right field of Fenway Park, the verbal taunts, death threats, comments about Mrs. Sheffield, sexual threats on Sheffield's wife, steroid quips, general yelling and insulting the guy's ability. Those fans are doing what any fan is doing "getting inside the head of the enemy." Boston fans are particularly good at this, as their team sets a good example as they will often incite on-field fights to "rally" their teammates with some aggression. It's all part of the game. In the playoffs a few years back a fan caught the ball in play during a Baltimore-Yankee game and it was ruled a homerun. Homefield advantage again! It's our job as fans to mess with the other team's heads as much as humanly possible. Sheffield needs to be afraid for his wellbeing and the wellbeing of his children. Sheffield needs to think at any time a fan will run onto the field and attack him with a stale Fenway sausage dog bun. Sheffield needs to be ready to look up to the sky as a foul ball hovers above him and get a handful of peanut debris in his eyes. That's what the fans are there for. If not, they would play these games in private. In golf there's idiots holding signs saying "QUIET." I've never seen those guys at Fenway, and that's because the team owners want us involved, whether they admit it or not.

Fans are there to chant things like "Bal-co" or "Who's your daddy" or to say "Hey Hey Hey, Good bye" in the last seconds of the 4th quarter. Fans are there to throw beers at cocky opposing players, and slap outfielders in the face when they make an attempt on a crucial 8th inning play. It's true. It should say it right on the ticket. If this duty of intimidation weren't true, then they wouldn't have those things all over the stadium, those things called seats. They even have guys giving us beer to lose our inhibitions as if to say "Relax have a drink and tell the first base coach that his mother is a prostitute." It's what fans, it's what "we" collectively are there for. It's our duty. And let them know, because hey, we pay their salary. Just like when a cop pulls you over for having a disembodied Sheffield bobblehead hanging from your trunk. "Don't I pay your salary?" you'd say. That's the same thing I would've told Sheff after swiping him in the face and throwing a beer all over him.

The point is we can't blame Chris House. It's a sad society we live in where everyone seems to have forgotten the concept of "homefield advantage." It's truly becoming a lost religion. We need to return to roots. Here's some ideas:

5 WAYS TO BRING HOMEFIELD ADVANTAGE BACK TO WHAT IT WAS
1. Mandatory throwing back opposing team homerun balls or ejection from the park. This includes every sport.
2. $25 waterguns on the walls like they have at the waterrides at Six Flags where you spray people on the rides. Install these in baseball fields, and let the fans use them against the players.
3. Small clubhouses for visiting teams, with defective equipment, and dim lighting so the other team can't read the coaches clipboard.
4. Uneven pitching mounds in the visiting teams bullpen.
5. Nerf bats for Spike Lee and every other front row NBA ticketholder for when the opposing team comes out-of-bounds.

These are just a few things. We need to get back to roots. Show up drunk to watch (or play for that matter) and "get down." No more of this coddling of visiting teams. Ideally, we'll scare them to the point where they won't show up and automatically forfeit. Either way "we" win, and when I say "we" I mean the fans.

SUPPORT CHRIS HOUSE 1 of 2: A Plea to Let Fans Interfere

2005-04-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

Allowing fans to get involved in the game. Not just swiping players in the face, but actually coming down into the field, or court or whatever: that would be the greatest thing to happen in sports history. There's a serious need for fans to be involved professional sports, I mean just look at us. We give advice from the stands all the time. And whenever there's a scandal, like the NHL lockout or steroid testing in baseball, everyone says "No one thinks of the fans." Well, don't say I don't. I think of the fans... and I know we all should be involved.

Don't agree? Why do you think people say "we won" when their team wins. They agree with me and so should you. "We" should agree that we should all be part of "our" teams. The benefits are countless, aren't they?

For starters, ticket sales would sky rocket. Yankee/Red Sox games already get sold out as it is. But imagine if a fan had the chance to join in on the fun after the 7th inning stretch and become part of the game? Then they could not only reach over the stands and hit Gary Sheffield in the head, they could be on the field and tackle Gary Sheffield to the grass... and not have to worry about some punk security kid getting in the way.

Die-hard Yankee fans would agree, it would be fine by them. Because if any Red Sox faithful want to go into right field and tussle with “Da Sheff," they'll have to deal with the fact that he’s not a little person, and he sure ain’t a punk. You’d definitely be in for the ass whooping of your life, but it’s ok as long as it was part of the rules.

If the Sox visit the Bronx and a player gets on the field, they would aim for David Ortiz, a.k.a. “Big Papi." Big Papi is about the size of a New York City bus, but fans wouldn't care. New Yorkers would "fuhgeddaboutit" and try to take Ortiz out before he did any more damage to Yankees pitching, and the "Mass-holes" would jump Sheffield for having that big wad of gum in his mouth all the time (at least I hope it is gum... or maybe it's a bowling ball). Imagine the impact these attacks and participation would have on the game.

Moving right along to some other benefits, a 12th man/fan on the field would be beneficial in the NFL as well. Think about the fact that "your" (see what I mean?) star player might be at risk of making a nagging injury worse and you’re in the waning moments of a great victory. Let’s take Philadelphia Eagles starting QB Donavan McNabb for instance. There are still unsettled rumors that he was extremely tired during their near comeback 4th quarter performance at last year's Super Bowl. If McDrag (poor joke about him being tired) is losing it, you bring in an Eagles fan. You could also bring in Philly’s back up QB Koy Detmer, but the last time I checked, he was in the cheap seats with his family eating a hot dog at the big game. Unlike Detmer, a fan would have no problem coming in when Donovan drops back so he can toss the fan the pigskin. The fan in all his glory would dance around the 50-yard line avoiding the bigger slower defensive tackles, only to get blind-sided by Patriots Line Backer Tedy Bruschi while he had no pads on. The hit would be enough to send him into a severe concussion and loosen the molars in his jaw, without question. But if it’s practiced right, that fan will have gotten the ball laterally passed back to star just in time for him to throw a 40 yard laser to Terr-ible Owens for the game winning touchdown. Imagine how different the world would be if we could say Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles? And all because a fan helped "us" win. And even if they didn't help, next time it would shut up all the Eagles fans complaining about "choking" and all.

We here at pretentious feel strongly about bringing in that extra person on "your" home playing field. Look what it could do for other sports as well:

Basketball: Put the fan on a ladder next to the hoop in Cleveland. Just think how great those highlights from the basketbrawl were. Now picture that EVERY NIGHT!

Golf: A no name golfer gets an eagle on the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass. Subsequently he pulls two shots ahead of Tiger Woods and wins the Master’s Tournament.
Announcer: How did you sink that beautiful Eagle on the 17th Mr. Golfer?
Golfer: Well I used my “Bring in a Fan Card” and he just kicked the ball in when it got close to the hole.

Shark Fishing: You could pull the largest sharks off the Pacific coast by simply throwing a fan overboard. Nothing as good as fans for bait. Trust me sharks react like Gary Sheffield when a fan is in their water.

Hockey: One time I saw Eric Lindros take one of the worse blows to the back of the head that I ever seen. Now what if you had a fan on the ice that could wear a mock Lindros jersey. That way when the fan get’s cross checked to the back of the neck, the real Lindros can skate up and lay out the suspect with a skate blade to the jugular. Brilliant!

Best part about all of this? It would be totally legal! And I’m convinced that team faithful would run to the arenas and buy tickets. So take it from me and get a fan involved in the game, today!

Come back tomorrow for Mark Lungariello's Support Chris House piece entitled "Home Field Advantage"

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid on Polka Dots and Stripes, Yankees Trades, and the NHL Lockout

2005-04-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Dear Pretentious:
Is it ever ok to wear pinstripes and polka dots together?
-Jack Z

Dear Jack Z,
It’s ok to wear them if you're going to try out to replace Mr. Met, or if you’re in a P. Diddy fashion show.

Dear Pretentious:
Is it too early for the Yankees to make some trades?
-Alfons

Dear Alfons,
It’s way too early for the Yankees to even think about trades. Furthermore, I'm not sure who they'd want to use as trade pieces and who they'd be looking to pick up. It's the first month of a six-month season and though the team may be struggling a bit early on, the talent they have would be ridiculous to give on up this early. Nobody is talking trade in April, it's just not good baseball.

Now, three months from now at the deadline, they might make moves as necessary. But, at the moment there doesn't seem to be anyone who needs to be dumped. Of course, it would be nice to unload Giambi's contract or maybe Kevin Brown, but you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone in the league that would take either one of them. Brown is in his contract year and is a bottom of the rotation guy this year anyway, so you just have to hope he stays solid enough and that the offense and bullpen can pick up his slack. Giambi? The truth is the team is stuck with a terrible contract and all fans can hope is that Giambi contributes on an offensive level this year. So far, he hasn't been as bad as some expected, but if he is actually going to be consistent is anyone's guess.

Who else does the team look to trade? Tom Gordon's been ineffective this year, but was the Gordon 8th / Rivera 9th was the best one-two punch the team has had since Rivera 8th / Wetteland 9th back in 1996. Tom Gordon is staying it seems. Though the team may have used him to trade for a centerfielder. I, and just about every other Gm in the league always wanted Marlins out fielder Miguel Cabrera, who is already batting .333 with 3 home runs and 15 RBI. He has enough speed to play center as well, so this shifts Bernie to a DH and occasional fielding role. That won't happen this year though, because you have Giambi and Ruben Sierra when he comes back already basically your everyday DH. The truth is this team is here and it will stay. I would say unless the team really falls out of contention or a major star is injured, the only moves you might see are situational bullpen guys like Stanton, or maybe a backup guy. Don't expect Sheff, A-Rod, or any of the other big guys to turn in their pinstripes before this October.

It's too early to know what will happen when trade season comes. But you never know, since the average age of the Yankee squad is now 64, one year before social security eligibility. And that’s just the average.

Do you think this hockey scandal will go on to stop the start of next season?

Dear Hockey Fan,
I think the fact that the NHL owners and players lost a boat load of money last year would mean they are going to do everything in their power to bring it back this year. But you also reach a point where you say "we've gone this far and there's no turning back now." That's the point where the NHL and NHLPA are at right now. They are launching lawsuits against each other and "negotiating" by shooting down every proposal that comes each other's way. Both sides want the next season to go on and get the NHL back up and running, but they both don't want to be the one to say "mercy." Let's also not forget this is a lockout by the league, not a strike by the union. The owners aren't going to bend, they are the ones that wanted this in the first place.

I would recommend writing your cable provider and requesting they pick up some Canadian league games. Or Finland or Russia. Because, with these bickering fools, it might be a long time before you ever see an NHL team take the ice again.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

THAT'S LYPHE: Khalid and Matt Sacrifice Khalid's Unlucky Jacket

2005-04-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

We burned the disgraceful article. And we danced around it's pyre and celebrated. Up in smoke goes the curse of the jacket. Losing streaks should be over and the victories will begin.

Right now, you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. It all began earlier this week, when my Pretentious co-worker and editor, Buddy Lung took a jab at superstitious fans in his post earlier this week. (Click here to read). Buddy doesn't believe in luck. But now I must say, I'm sorry Buddy, but luck is real... and in turn so is being unlucky.

THE ARTICLE IN QUESTION
On my birthday last year, during one of my many Dating Game exploits, a young woman decided it would be nice to buy me a new Yankees jacket. She knew it was my favorite team in baseball. Besides that, my birthday is October 18th 1977. This was two days after Yankee legend Reggie "Mr. October" Jackson's three homerun World Series performance.

I didn't need a "New" Yankees jacket. I had an old jacket... a "lucky" jacket. It was ghastly, smelly, unwashed and unclean since the first time I ever wore it to the ALDS October 1998. The Bombers were playing the Texas Rangers and losing early on. When I walked in around the third or fourth inning with my jacket it all changed. Tino Martinez hit a two-run homer and gave the Bombers a 4-3 lead.

I wore that "Lucky Jacket" to Game Two of the 1999 ALCS vs. the Sox and we won that game as well. Both of these years we went on to win the World Series, and in 2000 when we faced the Mets in the Subway Series.

Over the next couple of years my love for the Yankees remained strong, but my interest in attending games started to fade. I got lazy for the fact that it seemed we would always win. I just knew it was automatic. But then it happened; we started to lose the big games. I was sitting on my couch season after season in my boxers and wife beater in absolute disbelief. It didn't make sense.

Fast forward through my Stadium drought to 2004. That year, I met the Lungariello Brothers, the famed upper deck season ticket holders who have coined soon-to-be-famous Yankee cheers such as, "I like the way you Rube" a shout to utility player Ruben Sierra. Also, "Cook it up Shef, Cook it Up!" to Yankee right fielder and future UFC Champion Gary Sheffield. (Nicknames include last year's "Turn it Enrique Wilson" and this year's new 2nd baseman "Tony Woo-hoomack!"

2004 was going to be the year where we win it all again. Every regular season game that I was invited to, I was wearing that jacket. The jacket maintained it's perfect record.

-A two game double-header sweep of the Mets? I was there, didn't even need to wear the jacket just brought it into the park for good luck.

-Last home game of the '04 regular season vs. the Minnesota Twins? The jacket and me showed up that night. The result? Walk off home run by Bernie Williams. Because of my lucky jacket being there that night, we broke the record for most home runs by a team in the regular season, got our 100th victory of the year and clinched the AL East Division crown.

My lucky jacket stayed with me through it all. It's never been washed except for the rain delays that it has roughed with me. Every winning ticket from the '04 season was saved in the inside pocket so that I could explain the legend to my children and to their children.

-2004 ALCS. New York verses Boston. This was for all the marbles. So of course I grabbed my jacket and accepted the upper deck ticket from the Lungs to help seal the victory.

Game 1: We rocked Curt Schilling and his stupid ankle.
Game 2: We rocked Pedro's head from chanting, "Who's Your Daddy?"

The Jacket and me were in the house for both of those contests. And we did what Yankees and lucky jackets are supposed to do in those situations. We won. I was so confident in our ability to pull it off. I was so sure that we were back to regular world championship form once again. So confident in fact that I decided I was gonna put the filthy disgusting lucky jacket away for the weekend, since I was going to do some dating game research. "How 'bout wearing this new jacket that my lady friend bought for me?" I thought to myself getting dressed that weekend. I didn't think anything was wrong with that. Especially since Game 3 in Boston was the game were the Yankees put up 19 runs and took a commanding 3-0 lead in the best of seven series. But that's when the luck ran out.

The jacket only works when I'm at the game wearing it. And I wasn't there anymore. And so the Red Sox started to come back. This come back sparked Yankee fans into showing full support at the stadium, so unfortunately the ticket that was given to me by the Lungs was taken back by the original owner. And so Game 6 & 7 in the Stadium? Well, we all know what happened. I wasn't there. The jacket wasn't there. And Boston completed the greatest comeback in the history of American sports.

Something told me that my "New" Yankee jacket had something to do with it. I had angered the spirit of the "old" lucky jacket with this "new Jacket." But I wasn't really convinced until the '05 season.

Besides that stupid new jacket being worn during the massacre of Boston beating New York last year, I have been at two games this year with that new one. Both games were losses, including last night, a game verse the Tampa Bay Rays with our own Randy Johnson on the mound. it was ugly.

To top it off, Matty Lungs and myself almost got into a thirteen on two brawl in the parking lot after the game. This was all because some drunk kid wanted to show face in front of his friends.

******

It had to be done. And now was the time. I was sick of it. Tired of feeling scared when I put it on. Tired of wondering how we would screw up this time because it was at the stadium with me. My 6 month old, stylish and sleek New York Yankees jacket had to go. And I needed to go back to the smelly old beaten dirty lucky jacket.

So Matt and I torched the "New Jacket." We took our lighters out and set it on fire. Right there in the parking lot. I felt as if I was cleansing the team. Like we were rekindling the spirit of Yankee victory. I felt as if I was sacrificing a bad lamb to the Yankee gods. Ruth, Maris, Mantle, DiMaggio; all were watching us from above, smiling their approval at us. We danced around the jacket as chanted, "Um daddy um de um! Um daddy um de um!"

And as the final flames flickered away from the heap of cotton and polyester blend, I proclaimed, "The burning of this jacket will mark the rebirth of an old tradition in this town. This friend, the year we humans call 2005 will be the first of many successful years our Yankees will see again. The year we can say we were the WORLD CHAMPIONS!"

You heard it hear first. The unlucky jacket is gone and I'm calling us the world champions already.

Silly me? Nope, not at all.

See you at the World Series. I will be in the upper deck section 10 at the PretentiousSports seats. And guess what I will be wearing? No, you don't have to guess.

UPDATE!
Matt Lungariello updates us on the stats since the burning of Khalid's "New Jacket":

Yanks Oppenents
wins 1 0
runs 11 2

OFF THE MARK: Brewers in Slump After Fan Forgets Lucky Jacket

2005-04-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

by Mark Intentionally

The Brewers lost their fifth in a row on Tuesday afternoon, dropping their record to 5-8. The slow start comes as a disappointment as Milwaukee switched ownership on the offseason and recently signed pitcher Ben Sheets to a formidable 4-year contract. Many fans hoped the Brewers would begin an ascent into contention this season, but the tide may be turning and early, much to the sadness of the Brewers faithful.

The slump is particularly disappointing to Milwaukee fans after they learned the slump may have been turned around if not for Brewers fan Tad Lipman, who forgot to wear his lucky jacket to the game, which was against the L.A. Dodgers.

"I just forgot," Tad said in a postgame interview. "I just forgot it in my closet. What can I say? The Brew Crew never loses when I wear that jacket. Never."

Tad's buddy, Wilson Calbot of Tucsano, Wisconsin agreed with that.

"We only use the jacket in very, very tight spots. We could have used it today against LA. If Tad had his jacket we all would've been patting him on the back for good luck," Wilson said.

The Brews had taken an early lead only to see it slip away by late inning heroics on the Dodgers. Heroics that never would have happened if Tad had been wearing his lucky jacket.

"It never fails," he said. "Next time I won't forget it."

Milwaukee's #1 starter Ben Sheets hopes that Tad won't forget it "next time," tomorrow as Sheets takes the ball to try to reverse the streak.

"It makes the utmost difference," Ben Sheets said. "Not just what Tad is wearing, but what anyone watching the game is wearing. Also, what they are eating, where they are sitting on the couch. That type of thing. It's not a superstition it's a fact. We need all the luck we can get!"

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL 4/18/2005: The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-04-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, jr.

A-ROD SAVES LIFE OF CHILD IN BOSTON - If he can't save the Yankees' season going down the tubes, at least he could save something.

NBA EAST PLAYOFF DOGFIGHT - It's an exciting race to see who will be the teams eliminated in the first round of the playoffs.

METS WIN 6 IN A ROW - Across town, the Yankees are 4-8. Somewhere George Steinbrenner is pouting.

SHEFFIELD INCIDENT WITH BOSTON FAN - There is a bit of controversy over if the fan intended to interfere with the play, or if he was more innocently trying to field the ball in play. So let's get this right: while the ball is ON THE GROUND, in the corner of the wall in front of the fan, the fan is standing completely upright and reaching out into the playing field five feet above where the ball is... I'd have to say the only ball the fan was fielding was the one in Sheff's eye socket.

TONY STEWART'S CAR CATCHES FIRE AT SAMSUNG/RADIO SHACK 500 - And NASCAR makes the 6 o'clock news sports highlights for the first time since... well, probably last time there was a big accident.

GRIZZLIES OUST WOLVES FROM PLAYOFF SPOT - No playoff spot means no playoff bonus means tough eating for Spre's children.

CLIPPERS 44 LOSSES AND COUNTING - This is why the Clippers are the best organization in sports. 44 Losses and counting and fans everywhere (wherever they are...) are celebrating a banner year.

NATIONALS WIN 5TH STRAIGHT, 8TH OVERALL - Did someone forget to tell these guys Washington baseball teams are supposed to suck?

TO REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT ALLEGED CONTRACT RENOGOTIATION - It's not T.O. trying to break a contract he signed only a year ago that's surprising... it's the part about Owens refusing to talk that's truly shocking.

THE BREWERS SIGN PITCHER BEN SHEETS TO A BIG 4-YEARS - I knew that franchise had more money to spend! It's just that Bud Selig used to keep it all under his mattress.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Says Yes to Petting, and No to the Nets Playoff Spot

2005-04-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@gmail.com

BREAKING NEWS!: PretentiousSports First to Learn Identity of Fighting Sox Fan!

2005-04-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

reported by Dan Dellicarpini, PretentiousSports.com staff writer

I’m all for rivalries. It makes sports exciting and it gives the fans a little bit something extra during home games. But when fans decide to act like savages and ruin the flow of a perfectly good sporting event, they should be punished.

Think of Steve Bartman, the Cubs fan who is probably in hiding now. Think of the lone cup-thrower who caused a near riot at the Pistons game. Think of that jerk who decided to take a swipe at Gary Sheffield last night. Actually, don’t just think about him; call him. Write him a letter. Leave a note outside his door to tell him the baseball-watching population doesn't agree with him interfering in the game, punch or not, knocking off Gary's hat or not, being possessed by the ghost of Ted Williams. There was no excuse for him hitting Sheffield in the face.

Through insider information, PretentiousSports.com has learned his identity. We're happy to say this is a PretentiousSports exclusive and we are the first to break this story.

The alleged punch-thrower:

Chris House - 171 Walnut St, Dorchester, MA 02122 (calls to Mr. House were rejected due to a full voicemail).

Many say that when you’re an outfielder, you have to learn to take a lot of verbal abuse from fans. No one ever said anything about having to defend yourself from a barrage of fists and slaps and beer throwing. Gary Sheffield was the real man in that situation last night, keeping his cool and maintaining his integrity as a ballplayer in a way that Ron Artest couldn't.

Mr. House has no integrity. He’s a chump. A “fan” who wanted attention.

Well, now you’ve got it Chris.

Remember, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

THAT'S LYPHE: NBA Steroid Testing is a Joke

2005-04-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

This steroid thing is about two exits past "Out of Hand" on the absurd highway. Right about now, we're pushing the boundaries of the insane in pro sports, the way the Zucker brothers pushed the boundaries of the insane in airplanes in, well... Airplane! of course.

Ok, so let's admit to the obvious. We all suspected that McGuire, Sosa and Bonds were up to something. Not just the adults knew it, I'm talking adults, kids, senior citizens, grandma, mildly intelligent pacific dolphins... EVERYBODY everything. So, when we got wind of tougher policies being developed for the MLB and NFL with their drug policies, we thought, “That probably makes sense.” When the Olympic committee was asked to step in and set an example for a tougher steroid policy for the world I thought, “Okay, the exces and commishes in the NFL and MLB are grown men, but fine. Do what you must and set an example. It can't really hurt, can it?”

But the news I just heard takes the cake. It is reported that Congress now wants to impose their will on the NBA. Yes, that’s right folks: Congress wants to review the NBA’s drug testing policy and the penalties that the league enforces in the instance someone gets caught breaking the rules. This is ridiculous for various reasons. Firstly, may I suggest they test the NBA for marijuana first? And when they do, test Latrell Spreewell and Chris Webber first. But don’t test them for steroids.

The NBA was the most notable in the new House Government Reform Committee’s search and siege mission. They are also asking for drug testing and enforcement info from Major League Soccer, The ATP (who? -ed.), USA Track & Field and the U.S. Soccer Federation.

They are really going way too far with this whole investigation. And how stupid is it to call this the Steroid Era? I mean, there are one or two guys you suspect, one or two get caught here and there. That’s makes this the Steroid Era? HA! That is absolutely insane. Not to take anything away from the legends of our great American games, but if they could cheat, trust me they would do it too, and many of them admitted to it. Whitey Ford of the Yankees admitted to scuffing baseballs. Babe Ruth owned a corked bat. Mickey Mantle... well, Mickey was drunk as hell.

Everybody has and will continue to cheat. It’s a part of life. As the saying goes, all is fair in love and war; or in this case Love and Basketball. Congress is acting like every athlete is sitting around at a black tie function or an afternoon shin-dig in the Hamptons and swiping Hypodermic needles from a servant’s tray and enjoying their fill of the juice. Perhaps they could develop an image like that from their high priced mistresses at their sophisticated and urbane cocaine parties. Hmm. Or maybe the Congresspersons are jealous of specimens such as these players and the fact that they are probably 100% naturally built the way they are.

I personally feel that testing in the NBA is ludicrous. It is well documented that the primary effect of steroids is bulk, so why would a basketball player want bulk? Wouldn’t he want to be as lean as possible to help make him more capable of getting up and down the court? The more weight or muscle mass you have to move, the more energy you have to use to get it done. Make sense? I think so. In my feeble-minded opinion, steroids’ testing in basketball is a joke.

Yet and still, Congress feels that it is necessary to put their hands on something else and perhaps ruin it for all American people. Somebody should test Congress’ brain functionality to make sure their batteries are not running low. I mean look at what has happened in the past few years:

*President Bush and Congress concur to spend billions on a war that ends up being more about revenge for Dubya’s pops than oil and terrorist threats

*We have further concluded that the Social Security tax dollars that are being collected from Generation’s X&Y will probably be depleted when Gen X&Y are eligible to retire and collect

*During the Dubya’s Presidential tenure, we still haven’t had any real effective action taken in regards to homeland issues such as welfare, homelessness, poverty, violence, etc.

All of this and they feel it is absolutely necessary to go after a bunch of over-paid athletes because they might have developed bigger biceps and craniums over the years? Like I said before, yes there are some players who have cheated, but is that really a government issue more than a NFL, MLB, NBA issue? Definitely not.

The one person that I can appreciate in this entire situation is NBA Commish David Stern. I’m actually surprised that I support his opinion in regards to this matter. He is cooperating with the government to report testing to them and feels that the NBA should enhance testing times throughout the league. He is noted to say that he wants to “Eliminate that even as a question," in the minds of Congress. I think that’s the way you shut these idiots up. Give them what they want and let them leave you the hell alone. No matter how dumb their request turns out be.

Orlando Magic star Grant Hill remembers when Michael Jordan returned from his brief stint with baseball’s Chicago White Sox. Hill says, “He got stronger, maybe a little heavier, and that may have helped him with his hitting. But I think it hurt him on the basketball court when he first came back. After, he came back (the following season) not quite as big, not quite as heavy, and he was great again. Muscles and extra weight and extra size are not conducive to what basketball is all about."

In other words, go find something better to do than test the NBA. You’re wasting your time.

The government probably has a million other things they could be doing to make this a better country, other than stressing a bunch of athletes about what they do to make themselves better players. So say it with me friends; Are steroids wrong? Of course they are wrong. Is this the government’s problem? Hell Naw. Get a clue people! Let the league handle this issue. I sincerely hope that my hard earned Social Security money is not going into this invasion of sports in the Steriods Era. Perhaps that itself, is in need of an investigation.

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Soldiers Want Porn

2005-04-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

written by Dan Dellicarpini

There’s a stupid war being fought in a savage land; maybe you’ve heard of it- it’s called Iraq 2: George’s Revenge. It’s been on all the news channels for a while now, and a bunch of good people from our side have died. It’s ok though, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from war, it’s that when Bush comes to shove, it’s completely ok to trade blood for oil.

I have a good friend in the Marines who’s stationed in the Middle East (this may be a good time to note that there is currently a Middle East and a Far East, but no West East. Can something be done about this?). Since he got there seven months ago, I’ve gotten one email from him detailing his situation and that he wouldn’t be able to write emails for quite some time, as computers were few and far between. Then, after an extended period of silence from him, all of a sudden I received this gem of an e-mail in my inbox the other day. A mere two lines long, this message might be the most important bit of communication I have received all year. The message, in its entirety:

“Don’t know when I’m coming back. Send porn. With penetration.
Go to American Trash on 1st and send some of their beef jerky.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first, straight from the horse’s mouth: Soldiers want porn. So now, I ask all readers of Pretentious Sports to band together and get some quality pornography to our soldiers overseas. Not socks, not supplies, not even a nice note telling them you think they’re doing a good job. They will have none of that. Just some good old-fashioned, made in the USA hardcore porn (with penetration, of course), and if you’ve got some extra stamps, you might as well send some beef jerky too. I mean, it’s the least we could do.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FOR PRETENTIOUS

2005-04-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

We'd like to announce that a dot com address is in the works. I guess we'll have to change that tag line "The Blog so Pretentious, We're Calling Ourselves a Dot Com!" It's a price we're willing to pay, though.

With the launching of the dot com, expect also "author pages" archiving posts by Pretentious' contributors. Stay tuned...

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/10/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-04-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

what the PretentiousSports world was talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung

BASEBALL IS BACK - Get out your sunglasses, sunflower seeds, and fry up those barbeques and hypodermic needles baby: the season's here!

TIGER LEADS THE MASTERS - Tiger edged out Chris DiMarco for the lead to end Saturday. It was a dramatic comeback for Tiger... well, as dramatic as a bunch of badly dressed yuppies hitting a golf ball could be. NOTE: I know what some of you are saying, golf is a skill... Yes, but that doesn't make it a sport. Me beating Grand Theft Auto III on Playstation is a skill, but it's not a sport.

CHICAGO BULLS CLINCH PLAYOFF SPOT - The Bulls surprised everyone after starting the season 0-9. It's the first time they've made the playoffs since the Michael Jordan era. The only difference is back then, the Bulls actually had a chance to advance.

NICKLAUS PLAYS LAST MASTERS - The all-time winningest Masters golfer has played his last. In a related and equally exciting story, I have retired from playing Grand Theft Auto III on Playstation.

NEW YORK METS OPEN SEASON 0-5 - New York starts the season off on the wrong foot after two very high profile offseason signings and a billing campaign as the "New Mets." Well, I'll be the first to say, somebody get the old Mets back... QUICK!

BO JACKSON SUES NEWSPAPER OVER STEROID ACCUSATIONS - I almost was going to say "Bo knows the civil suit process," but I wouldn't stoop that low for a comment.

T.O. WANTS TO REDO HIS CONTRACT - After a high profile season in Philadelphia which cemented his superstar status, he wants the Eagles to restructure his deal. In a related story, Eagles fans want a restructuring of the final minutes of this year's Super Bowl.

YANKS' RIVERA BLOWS 4TH SAVE IN ROW TO RED SOX - Insert "Who's your Daddy?" joke here.

ESPN PICKS TWINS TO WIN WORLD SERIES - Come on ESPN, just let the Cubbies get one.... please?

CAVS END SKID, STAY IN PLAYOFF DOGFIGHT - Lebron scored 40 points in a win over the Bucks. The win, the Cavs first win in four games, keeps the Cavs in playoff contention for a spot with Philly and New Jersey. In other words, the Cavs are fighting for the "terrible team" spot in the playoffs.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid Talks NBA, Fine Wines, and Dating Game Expertise

2005-04-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSports Guys.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Hey there, kiddies! For week two of me handling your "Ask Pretentious" questions, we have everything from NBA to me sharing my Dating Game expertise. If you have a question you'd like answered by Pretentious, e-mail to pretentiousports@gmail.com (leave of the second "s" for savings). Maybe your question will be answered here!

We begin...

Dear Pretentious:
Who's your pick to go all the way in the NBA this season?
-Alberto, Alabama

Dear Alberto,
It's hard to say who will go all the way this year. I feel as if the West is wide open since the Lakers are not the powerhouse they were for the past few years. But, if I had to pick anybody from the West, it would be between Phoenix and San Antonio. A Steve Nash led Phoenix has what it takes to make it.

The East has also gotten better from last year with the addition of Shaquille O'Neal, so I wouldn't sleep on the Miami Heat's chances to bring the title home. O'Neal, along with the surge of second year man Dwayne Wade has the Heat looking like contenders for at least the next three years. The Heat's biggest hurdle is the blue collar style ball of the defending world champion Detroit Pistons. As opposed to the Heat's two big stars, they have a starting five that are not super stars, but at each position they can get the job done and know how to play team basketball. This is a team of gutsy, smash mouth defenders as well. And that could be a threat to a Heat team that has only two stars and a long list of role players and sub par back ups.

So in the end I say:

Detroit wins the East.

Phoenix wins the West.

Detroit Pistons in 6 Games.

Dear Pretentious:
Do you think it's a cuisine faux pas to serve red wine with a light fish? Like sole or something like that?
-A concerned Cook

Dear Concerned Cook,
From a playa's perspective, I would have to go with a white wine. You might say it is a faux pas to serve red. Why would you want to? It will only clash with a light fillet of sole on your pallet. That rough red will basically burn the light butter melted on the side and would probably drown the asparagus in a slimy purple paste. Red wine is not for a fish, especially not a light filet!

I recommend a nice Berringer. and steamed asparagus covered in a light mushroom sauce always works well with a Sole or even meatier fish like a broiled Salmon.

But, ahem, that's information that I got from a friend of mine. I wouldn't know anything about cooking.

Dear Pretentious,
Ok. Here is the deal... I do not know these girls.

We smelled some pizza coming from their place on Saturday, so my roommate Tony and I went up there... We had met these girls a few times, but never hung out with them. To make a long story short, we eat the pizza, and then we tell them they should come out and hang out with us.

So we go out and I start hanging out with this girl, and I know, like I KNOW right away... everyone knows right away. We all know that you know.

This girl is not bad looking, but I don't find myself knocked out by her either. Cause I'm shallow and that's all that matters isn't it? So we start dancing, if you would call it that (it was like that dance from "Can't Buy me Love" the African Ant Eater dance). Before I know it I am making out with this girl on the dance floor, like all over. That is when I blacked out.

Complete blackout. So bad the girl and her roommate drove me home. Or so they say. I don't even remember.

Now, my question is what do I do now? It's not like I can avoid these people, they live above me, like 15 feet away. I can hear them walking right now as I type!

Should I

A. Go and say hello today and just be cool?

B. Should I hide, and avoid them?

C. Have sex with the girl even though she lives in the apartment above me? That could get messy...

Dear Lex,
First of all, alcohol and women shouldn’t really go together. 90% of the time it will lead to those infamous words, “How the hell did I end up here?” But anyway, it’s in your best interest to go with Plan A. In other words, you should at least go upstairs and have a conversation with the young lady. Don't make yourself look like a punk and not say anything. If you keep quiet you are a punk or a dog and trust me, you don't want to look like that anybody...especially your female neighbor. Keep in mind that she is the same neighbor that will see you enter and exit that same building with other women. And if she catches them alone one day then your "bizness" is out there for any new visitor to know. (For reference, go rent the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy).

If you are going to execute Plan C above, make sure you let her know the deal from Jump Street. Tell her, "Look, I think you're cool. I'm not looking to get serious, let's just be friends and see where it goes."

That way if you hit, she can never say she thought it was something that it wasn't. Feel me?
Oh by the way, a wise man (is he talking about me again? -ed.) once told me advice is not really advice. It’s what we felt all along; we just needed somebody to push us in the right direction. Pulse off that one doggy. And don’t forget whatever you choose: strap it up, Playa!

As always, love, peace and keep it Pretentious. I’m out.

e-mail questions for "Ask Pretentious" to pretentiousports@hotmail.com

KNOW YOUR PRETENTIOUS GUYS: Cousin Paul

2005-04-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

PART 1 IN A SERIES PROFILING THE CONTRIBUTORS TO PRETENTIOUSSPORTS.COM

THIS INSTALLMENT: Cousin Paul

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
Cousin Paul a.k.a. St. Paul a.k.a. Evil Paul a.k.a. Shameless Plug Paul http://pretentioussports.blogspot.com/ a.k.a. Half the Paul I used to be.

2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?
Pants? I'm not wearing any pants... Silly question.

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Those voices in my head.

4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Coffee.... yes, it was so bad I ate it.

5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No, I think most of them are a** holes.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Pink.

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
100% awesome.

8. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My cousin Jon.

9. FAVORITE SPORT?
Bocce.

10. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

11. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No.

12. FAVORITE MONTH?
Honestly, I don't have a favorite month. Favorite months are played out like Texas Hold'em on ESPN.

13. FAVORITE FOOD?
Falafell. Yes, falafell. Dont forget your roots.

14. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
25th Hour. It was ok, though kind of drawn out. He goes to jail in the end. Save your money.

15. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
This year? April 2nd. I am partial to days when I drink for free. and have the right to get creepy and no one holds it against me.

16. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER?
Punch people. Usually in the face. Sometimes just push people. And sometimes I knit. Usually pot holders or scarves.

17. FAVORITE SLEEPING POSITION?
On top

18. HUGS OR KISSES?
Whats that?

19. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Chocolate. I really don't like either. I am a Strawberry fan.

20. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
I have a Dog. She sleeps in my bed, and yes, I mean this in a sexual way.

21. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Two weeks ago.

22. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
Drugs, shoes, dogbones.

23. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Drank, got creepy with someone who will be left nameless.

24. FAVORITE SMELL?
Coconut.

25. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Myself, and how AWESOME I am.

26. WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF?
Mayonnaise, the ghost of Terri Schiavo, bad hairdays & baggy jeans.

27. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN?
No Popcorn. It goes right to my thighs.

28. FAVORITE CAR?
Geo F'n Metro, baby!

29. FAVORITE FLOWER?
Gerbera daisy. Yes, I have a favorite flower.

30. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Six.

31. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Monday morning.

32. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
Two.

33. HOW MANY PLACES HAVE YOU LIVED IN?
Seven.

34. HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 3
Just the US.

35. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
New Haven CT. Killa Con baby.

36. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
April 3rd, the same day as Eddie Murphy, coincidently enough the day MLK Jr. was shot.

37. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
Three.

BEYOND THE MATT: "I'm Embarassed to be a Yankee Fan"

2005-04-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

written by Matt Lungariello

Imagine if Wayne Gretzky was booed in the later part of his career while his skills were diminishing. Imagine if Michael Jordan was booed for sub par play during his return to the Washington Wizards. More specifically, imagine if Don Mattingly were booed at Yankee Stadium when he made his dramatic return from countless back injuries to find himself drowning in a slump (and perhaps an inability to perform at the level he had become accustomed to playing at). Hard to imagine. None of these things took place... COULD take place... Yet an even bigger injustice occurred on April 6, 2005: Mariano Rivera was booed while walking back to the home dugout at Yankee Stadium.

*******

I can’t remember the last time Joe Torre was forced to take Mariano out of an inning in which he started. Yes, he was in deep trouble and couldn’t seem to find a way to get the outs he needed to end the inning. Yes, it was pitching against the same team that he blew two consecutive saves against in the ALCS last year, and whom he has blown his first save opportunity of the season to one day prior. But it was also the World Champions. The best team in Baseball!

Later, “Yankee Fans” on ESPN radio claimed that they weren’t booing Mariano Rivera as much as they were booing his performance. Well, thanks callers! I can finally tell the difference between the fans that were on hand to see Dion James and Matt Nokes bat third and fourth, and the ones who were diehard fans the moment they stepped onto the field to face the Texas Rangers in the ALDS in 1996. These TRUE Yankee fans who I sit with in section 10 in the left field upper deck “nose bleeds” would never, and will never boo the man that we can thank our 10-year run of success for. It wouldn’t matter how badly he performed, he has earned himself a lifetime boo-free-pass in our house. He has, without a doubt, been the biggest reason that the Yankees have been able to compete at such a high level year in and year out. He is the best player to ever play his position and been the most clutch performer in the biggest spots on the biggest stages in the world.

He is the only pitcher to be standing on the mound for the final out of the World Series for four consecutives seasons. He did it with ease against players that were taking steroids, studying films of his pitches (or should I say pitch), and he did it without showing off, pumping his fist, or acting surprised.

“That’s my job,” he said after pitching three scoreless innings to earn the win and series MVP in the all important game 7 on the 2003 ALCS against the rival Boston Red Sox. I guess he’s right. Over the years, fans have become accustomed to Mo being so automatic that they forgot what a risky business being a MLB closer is. Now fans are saying that he is finished, or that he has a mental block against the Red Sox being that he has blown four consecutive save opportunities to them. The argument that says that he has lost some of his dominance is somewhat true, in that 3 pitches and 3 broken bats later the inning and the game is not always over. But, last season he reached his highest save total of his absolutely incomparable career. He had 53 saves in 57 chances along with a 1.93 era. That’s a real "drop-off." Similar to the "drop-off" that Alex Rodriguez had last year when he came to the Yankees and posted a 286 batting average 36 homers and 106 RBIs. We should all have such bad seasons. When a player has great seasons over and over, people begin to expect it. So it goes with Mo.

It is a somewhat fair, or at least fairer assumption to expect better 2004 seasons from both Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez more so than Mo because last year AROD and Jeets were 28 and 29 years old and apparently just reaching the primes or their careers. Rivera’s prime has passed and "all" he has to show for it is 4 World Series rings, 6 All Star Appearances, 1999 Babe Ruth Award, 3 Rolaids relief man of the year awards, finished outside the top 5 in total saves twice in his 8 years as closer, 1999 World Series MVP, 2003 ALCS MVP, top 3 in Cy Young voting 3 times, and top 25 in MVP voting 6 times which is the most impressive because the award is usually reserved for position players. Other than that, he hasn’t done much. So I guess it wasn't staggering when he topped his own personal best last year. It didn't mean anything. He's done. Boo!

Although I would never boo Derek Jeter personally, I can understand why someone would more than Mariano Rivera, only because we know that Jeter is better than the way he was playing, he was 29 years old. Mariano is going to be 36 this year, he is 10 lbs soaking wet, and was, along with Pedro Martinez, considered freaks of nature for being as tiny as they were yet pitched as well as they did. I guess there is something in the water in those Caribbean Islands, which is probably why everyone tells us not to drink their water when we visit.

If Mariano is really finished and can no longer pull his weight closing ballgames, fans should cheer him louder than usual: win, lose, or draw. That would make it their last chance to let him know how important he has been to the team, to us, and to what the team and its fans have become. A consistent Juggernaut. The booing "fans" should be embarrassed that if Mariano retires tomorrow, their boos are what he would hear in his head for the rest of his life.

I think Mr. Torre said it best after the game, "I think it's inexcusable if the boos were from Yankee fans because they wouldn't be crawling all over themselves to get into this ballpark if it weren't for him." I don’t need any votes or trophies to tell you that since 1996, Mariano Rivera is the MVP of the entire league, much less the MVP of the Yankees.

Yankees Pitching Coach Mel Stottlemyre said, "I was very surprised by that. Everything he's done here and in this ballpark, I was shocked. But that's New York." No it isn’t... or at least I thought it wasn't. I thought that New York fans were better than that. Mattingly was cheered until his last plate appearance in 1995. His last productive year was in 1989, and don’t get me wrong he had some great moments and decent seasons, but didn’t have a great full season since 1989. I agree the man should be cheered forever, but so should Mariano. Like Donnie, Mariano has given us everything that he has inside him, everything he is worth. Brought us titles, which Donnie Ballgames never did, yet Mo’s getting booed for two blown saves. I thought New York fans were better than this and maybe the real fans are. Maybe that's the difference. Maybe these are just the same business idiots who sit field level now and who in 1989 would have been across the city at Shea Stadium instead. Maybe... And I actually hope it is just those people who've piled on the bandwagon.

****

It was the first series of the season. If Mo is finished, we wont know until June or July anyway, and just to erase any doubts you may have about Mo pitching to the Red Sox; All this talk routes back to the 2004 ALCS against the Red Sox, where he had 2 saves, pitched 7 innings, surrendered 6 hits and one earned run. That’s a 1.29 era. His blown save against the Red Sox in the 2nd game of the ’05 season was on a solo home run to Jason Varitek. It was an inside cutter which was a ball but V-Tech was waiting for it. Perhpas more blame lays with the catcher Jorge Posada for not noticing where the batter was standing, yet calling for that pitch. If V-Tech took the pitch, Mo would have hit Posada’s target without Posada moving his mitt, doesn’t sound like a bad pitch to me.

Familiarity happens when two teams are playing each other for the 54th time in the past two years. Thank God for the balanced schedule. Even the Blue Jays have forced blown saves here and there against Rivera. Its bound to happen when you face the same team 19 times a year excluding the playoffs. If you noticed the at-bat prior to Variteks, Mo made Renteria (often considered one of the most clutch players in the game who signed a 10 mill contract months ago) look like a High School reserve striking him out with ease. Did Rivera age that much from one batter to the next? The Yankees faced Pedro Martinez often throughout his tenure with the Red Sox and a lot more of the same thing. Eventually, the Yanks figured some things out, and Pedro failed to be as dominant as he was to the rest of the league. Even the "lowly" Baltimore Orioles were even known to have their way with him on occasion. Thank God for that balanced schedule. The balanced schedule that sees the Yankees play the Mets 6 times a year, and in some cases, the Sox don’t play them at all, but we all know that Selig may as well be in a funeral home before he steps into a board room. I digress…..again…

Rivera said in an interview that after the Varitek homer that he will need to make adjustments, and as we know fate is without a sense of irony, Mo finds himself the next day in a one run game in the 9th against the Sox. He begins using his 2 seam fastball which he introduced into game play last year, but never mastered. The mastery of this pitch would allow him to move to the opposite corner. The pitch is designed to sway to the right as opposed to the cutter which “cuts” to the left. A dangerous weapon that he was unable to “work on” last year, because of how late it was in the season when the Sox “got his number,” and the importance of each win, as the Yankees were fighting for a division title and homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Why didn’t he work on this pitch during the offseason or the preseason, you ask?

Mariano’s preparation throughout his career has never changed. He doesn’t pick up a baseball during the offseason. Not once. It has worked and I am not about to change that now. This preseason, just as Mo was gaining arm strength, he was hit with an injury and banned from any pitching at all. Right now early in the season: this his spring training. Working on his new pitch during a regular season game might seem dumb, but it would be a lot dumber working on that pitch in the midst of another September pennant race.

“So he lost control, “ as Stots put it, "I don't want to say he lost his cool, but he definitely lost his command." That’s a fact, but people need something to write about (like me), and “Yankee Fans” need something to complain about and that will never change. It’s a great story, and its exactly why the Yankees and the Red Sox should never play against each other in the first month of the season. Besides for the fact that the Yankees are wasting sellouts (the Sox sellout their kitchen size area everyday anyway), the Yankees were going to sellout their ballpark whether they were playing the Devil Rays or the Sox on the opening series so why play now? Save these sellouts for when they mean something. For when Schilling and Johnson can matchup, Moose against Wells in the dog days of summer. Not when Manny is going 0-8, and when AROD and Sheff are still finding their strokes. What's next for Selig in 2006. scheduling the playoffs before the regular season is played?

I will no longer consider myself a Yankee Fan, I will call myself part of the Yankee faithful. I don’t want to be considered a Yankee fan if Yankee fans boo Mo, and maybe the Sox fans are right about us, I meant to say, YOU. This writer thinks that Mariano has a lot left. He will continue saving games because that’s his job. Mariano has learned from his mistakes and in professional sports, these people are few and far between. In 1997, his first year as closer, he blew a save in game 4 to the Cleveland Indians in the ALDS, and the Yanks went on to lose game 5 and the series without Mo stepping onto the rubber in the finale.

He was quoted afterwards, “I wish it was next year, because I want to show everyone that I am better than this. I am better than this. You will see. I will show everyone that I am good.” He did, he bounced back and proved everyone wrong. The closer position along with the designated hitter is often questioned as to whether there should be a place for them in the Hall of Fame. Regardless, one thing that stands alone in this argument is that Mariano Rivera is one of very few active Hall of Famers.

Yet, he is receiving the boos that Tom Gordon, Paul Quantrill, Jason Giambi, Javier Vasquez, Kevin Brown, Hideki Matsui (I take it back), Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez, and even Jeter/Posdada/B.Williams/Torre deserve more for their performances in the historic choke of 2004. Because no matter what happened in previous years, no matter who played bad and who made the big mistakes, they always had Mariano waiting in the pen to pick up the pieces.

It's time to turn everyone's heads…..again, Mariano. To enter the Stadium blasting "Enter Sandman" to a crowd that doesn’t understand why you are the Sandman. And if you don't bounce back like you always do, then it is time for everyone to put the red carpet out for the man that has accomplished what NO ONE else will ever accomplish. To sing "Enter Sandman" with joy, and appreciate seeing the epitome of guts, glory, and grace under pressure bless us with his presence.

We will all be able to tell our grandchildren that we saw the sandman pitch in person. You would also fail to mention you booed him on his way out. Red Sox players (who apparently “own him”) and fans alike say that he is the best ever, that he is the best at what he does, the best to ever dig in to any pitchers mound in existence.

So Mo: Its time to yet again prove what you are and what you are made of. Even if it's to a group of frontrunners that will never understand anyway.

*********************

Quick Yankees Notes

Arod after the game, “I blew it for him. I picked up the ball and was going to throw to second, bobbled it, and knew I still had time to get one out at home. Bobbled it again. I couldn’t have messed up that play worse than I did.”

Jeter was taken to the hospital one inning after running for himself after he was hit in the head with a pitch. "He heard some ringing in his ears. He felt a little woozy," Torre said. "Timlin wasn't trying to hit him. He was just trying to rush a little, and his ball was all over the place." Whether or not the pitch was intentional, three games down, five Yankee batters hit, zero Sox batters hit.
My brother/friend said, “When people come to the Yankees, they automatically cannot pitch to David Ortiz.” I say, “When people come to the Yankees, they automatically forget how to hit people. Preferably in the head.” Upper Deck Matty says, “Hitem, Hitem In the head!” After all is said and done, Yankees take the series 2-1. Three great performances by the three starting pitchers. Newcomers Randy Johnson and Carl Pavano particularly impressive. Randy, because of the 40 degree gametime temperature which isn’t supposed to agree with him or his bad legs. Pavano because he was able to shut down an amped up defending champion Red Sox lineup that was seemingly out for blood. He was able to put the energy that was pumping through him up toward getting Red Sox batters out. Moose didn’t have his good stuff, kept them in the game, and they went into the 9th with the lead. Centanni. Torre for putting Sierra in the Opening Night lineup instead of Tino. Torre for pitching Pavano game 2 instead of game

3. Sierra because he knew that it was important to have Tino announced as starter before the game for fan’s sake, yet starting Sierra instead because of his numbers against Wells, and it allowed Giambi to play 1st base, and its better to expose Giambi as an incapable defender now as opposed to July or August. Pavano game 2, not because he is the number 2 starter, if the playoffs started today, Moose would get the game 2 nod. But because this allowed Torre to send Moose to the hill game 1 at Fenway when the Sox raise the championship banner in front of an extremely hostile Boston crowd.

He made sure he called the Moose and Pavano (who won't be nickname-less for long) into his office to tell them, “I want Carl to feel the daytime stadium like this, and I don’t want anyone pitching that game at Fenway except you.” Quote from Moose’s mouth. Both players appreciated it, and it is always better to pitch the vet in that situation. Besides, Randy may be the big game pitcher on this team, but Moose is OUR big game pitcher. That’s exactly why Torre doesn’t manage Baseball players, he manages men. Jaret Wright will be better than people think. Everyone knows what to expect from Johnson, Pavano, and Moose. No one knows what to expect from Wright. Some said his signing was a mistake (a 21 million dollar mistake). First off, the third year of his contract is an option year, so it would be a 14 million dollar mistake, but we have already mentioned New York’s soulless conception of professional baseball. Secondly, why is everyone so sure that he is the next Vasquez or Weaver? That he will choke in the New York spotlight? He controlled the Yankees in 1997 when the Indians advanced passed them in the regular season and playoffs. Besides, this man was in the witness protection program! He disappeared for two years. He had his arm reconstructed, yet enjoyed the best season of his career as ace of the division winning Atlanta Braves. He has guts and I am proud to have him on the team that I root for.

Hideki Matsui homered during game two which I attended. The scoreboard read Gonezilla. Section 10, Row H 15-18 call him Hideki BATsui, any language you're speaking, ask yourself how good is this guy? Yours only as a, Yankee Faithful

MILLER TIME NO MORE!: Knicks Fans Should be Ashamed to Cheer for Miller

2005-04-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

written by John Raimondo

1995 Eastern Conference Semis: Game 1
Sixteen seconds to go with the Knicks leading 105-99. All over, right? Not if it is Miller Time!

Miller pops a three and hits. Then he steals the inbounds pass from Anthony Mason and hits another three tying the game at 105 a piece with 13 seconds left. Miller then hits two free throws as the crowd watches in stunned disbelief as Greg Anthony slips and falls while driving to the basket, never getting off a shot before the buzzer.

****

That was one of the hardest games to watch as a Knicks fan, on the level of sheer pain as Charles Smith missing 5 lay-up attempts against the Bulls and Ewing missing the last second finger roll.
I won't lie. I'm an unabashed Knicks fan. Which basically means straight up that I hate Reggie Miller. I hate him. I hate Reggie Miller and all that he stands for. He's a "Chucker," with his awkward jump shot, legs contorted and awkward in the air and his arms crossed and tangled as he released his natural born talent. OK: man, he really killed the Knicks time and time again. Maybe that's why I hate him. But it doesn't change a thing.

Luckily, as Knicks fan, Miller's "chucking days" are over. So what if the Knicks season is over as well. From 1993-2000, the Knicks and Pacers matched up in some of the city's greatest playoff games (aside from the great Chicago rivalry). Each series evened out at three series wins a piece. But it wasn't just his playoff antics that made me hate him. Even his regular season games against the Knicks always seemed to have that dramatic playoff feel.

One last great memory I can always hold true to my heart would have to be the 1999 playoffs when LJ hit the three and was fouled, and made possibly the greatest shot I have ever seen in my lifetime as a Knicks fan (there aren't many great moments lately). That event was doubly pleasing because it was against Reggie and the Pacers. I remember swearing obscenely, mostly directed at Miller and punching the hell out of the T.V. whenever Miller's ugly face appeared (how I hate him). His miserable 1-8 from three land in the fourth quarter was absolute bliss. He was his usual "chucking" self that game. I cackled maniacally for seven days, the way a Superman villain would.

Reggie Miller is my all time most hated NBA player, alongside P.J. Brown. I couldn't be more happy to see him leave the game. If anyone is a Knicks fan, I find it absolutely unacceptable to be a Miller fan. If you are, then you are the reason that Miller did so well against the Knicks during his career. You might as well accept full blame for Miller playing better than any of the Knicks at the Garden and you should be ashamed to favor this alien head man.

So what did the Garden crowd do at Miller's last game against the Knicks? The crowd cheered for Miller at the Garden last night and booed the Knicks. Well, the Knicks deserve it after yet another miserable season. But no Knicks fan should have cheered Miller. Never cheer Miller. Never ever cheer on Miller!

It would have been bliss for the entire Knicks world if Miller's legs fell off and his arms combusted last night. That is something to cheer about. If we couldn't get our true revenge on him, at least we could prevent him to going to the playoffs too. Then we could hang him from his jersey from the top of MSG, the way savages used to hang criminals in the town square. We wouldn't have to hurt him, just hang him there, get a hot dog from the concession stand every three days and in the meantime every game, Knicks win or loss, we just throw tomatoes and beer at Reggie Miller. That would get me excited about the Knicks again. But no, people are cheering him. They should be ashamed.

By the way, anyone offended by this article obviously has not been a Knicks fan. And if you claim to be one, I have a spot where I can hang you by your jersey right next to Miller. Right where you belong at the top of MSG, next to Ewing's jersey maybe, eating a hot dog and being loathed and hated by any of the true blood Knicks faithful. Just as Miller should be... And is to the real fans out there.

THAT'S LYPHE: Dominique is a Hall of Famer

2005-04-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

written by Khalid Washington

Writer’s note: Shout’s to Paul for the hookup on that Boldenone Undecylenate (see Paul's last post titled "Message to America - Do Steroids" for more information). I feel bigger and smarter already. Thanks, homeboy!

This just in from the Lyphe News Desk: Former Atlanta Hawks Star Dominique Wilkins snubbed in this year’s voting for the Basketball Hall of Fame…

Are you kidding me!? An avid b-ball fan in my childhood years, I clearly remember the man that the world knew as the Human Highlight Film. He amazed my friends and I with his off-the-wall dunks, most notably his own creation the “windmill” dunk. This man is a true legend in the NBA… How is he overlooked?

I sat in shock staring at the Pretentious Sports mortal enemy website.

The first thing I thought to myself was, “Those bastards at ESPN had something to do with this!”

With their stupid vote for this guy and give your opinion to that guy crap they continuously push on their readers, and they decide to call it “journalism.” The nerve of them; they need some real articles and real journalists like our writers here at http://pretentioussports.blogspot.com (just in case you want to save that to your favorites for later). But back to these ESPN people…this entire “vote for me” and “tell us what you think” crap has got to stop. Oh wait, isn’t that something like the Dating Game when I asked for your opinion and to pretty, pretty please post a comment for me? Well, actually no, it isn’t the same thing. That’s totally different. Why? I don’t know, it would be damaging to my argument otherwise. Take my word for it.

But I digress. The point is Dominique is it. #21 for the Atlanta Hawks was a basketball icon in the 80’s and early 90’s. But the unfortunate reality is that some guy that was #23 and played for the Chicago Bulls in the same time span overshadowed his career. I mean Dominique was by far one of the best players the NBA has ever seen. Ever. Not just during that period. It’s sad that they are treating him this way. If there were never a Michael Jordan, trust me when I tell you that there would be a million kids on earth running around in a Gatorade commercial singing,
“If I could be like Dominique! I wanna be, I wanna be, and I wanna be!”

Well, maybe that doesn’t have the same ring to it, but I think the point is clear.

Just look at his resume:
-1982-All Rookie Team 17.5 points per game
-11 Consecutive Seasons of averaging 20 plus points per game
-9 Time NBA All Star
-1986 NBA Scoring Title with an average of 30.3 points per game
-1986 All NBA 1st Team
-All NBA 2nd Team in 1987, ’88, ’91 and ’93
-Holds the NBA record for hitting 23 straight free throws without a miss in a single game
-Retired from the NBA ranked 7th all time on the leading scorers list (26, 534 points)

I don’t know video game jocks that could put up numbers like that with their PS2 on novice level. So somebody else please give some love to this man. He is one of the best ever. I think the stats above should clearly prove that. So I can’t understand why he was snubbed in this years voting.

If Jordan’s reign during the same era is stopping Dominique from getting his respect, then it’s just not fair. I mean everyone has an archenemy during their run, don’t they?

Every sport, every era, (you can go and look it up); there is a best at the game. But they are only the best when they are better than somebody else from that era. If Jordan never existed, then it has to be Dominique Wilkins as the best player in the 80’s and 90’s. So once again, if rivalry has something to do with it, please voters just open your eyes and see what kind of mistake you’re making. While you do that I’m gonna go outside and respectfully practice my windmill dunk…that’s because Dominique was in my Hall of Fame the minute he called it quits.

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Baseball's Back

2005-04-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

written by Dan Dellicarpini

Baseball is back, and suddenly my life has some sort of meaning. I can’t really pin down the exact moment on Sunday when the void in my soul was filled; maybe it was when I saw Randy Johnson jog out to the mound in Pinstripes (really long pinstripes), maybe it was when Hideki Matsui stole a home run from Kevin Millar, or maybe it was the return of Tino Martinez, demonstrating his skill at first base and claiming The Stadium as his Home again. Maybe it was the sum of all three - I’m not sure - but something happened, and it filled that void left empty by the absence of the NFL and the NCAA basketball finals.

On Sunday evening, game time looming in the distance, something strange happened: I was experiencing a certain amount of nervousness and fear usually reserved for October. At around 7 p.m. EST, I was driving towards the PretentiousSports Headquarters for the game, looking for a suitable place to pull over and smoke a cigarette (the rain doesn’t allow for me to do so in my car). I felt anxiety creep up on me like it had done almost six months ago. It seemed like I was getting geared up for a playoff game, a savage match between bitter rivals, a ruthless bout between Good and Evil and not a standard Home Opener. Parked under an overhang at a local gas station, I briefly thought about the final game I had witnessed last season and the bitter taste it had left in my mouth. The bitterness would soon dissolve though, as I suddenly I heard someone shouting; the gas station attendant wasn’t too pleased to see I was smoking in such close proximity to the pumps. I got back in my car and sped off, leaving cigarette butts behind, but not the fear. Driving fast and thinking positive thoughts, I assured myself that even though this upcoming game was important, it would have little to no bearing on the 160 games that would follow it.

Sunday was not an ideal night to play baseball in New York. A cold rain came down during the evening and morale was down, because though Spring Training had been completed, Spring the Season was nowhere in sight. Weather didn’t stop anyone at Yankee Stadium though, and the game started without delay. Celebrities looking to be seen were out in full force, and the Yankees flexed their weight around the field for the better part of four hours. Even Derek Jeter (who had the first hit of the game off Wells) showed promise by not totally fucking anything up and keeping his average above last season’s opening average of .0001.

As the game came to a close (with the Yankees having walloped the Sox 9-2) my fears became assuaged. I realized what has been missing from my life these past months; I realized why I had gotten wrapped up in watching football and college basketball. To quote Senior Staff Writer Matt Lungariello, it was “…only because I couldn’t watch baseball.”

Here’s to another season.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 4/4/2005 The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-04-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

what the PretentiousSports world is talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung

DIRTY SANCHEZ - Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Alex Sanchez is the first player to be suspended on MLB's new steroid testing policy. Sanchez, an off the bench player with 4 homeruns in his career, must have been using those steroids that make you weigh 180 pounds and suck.

RED SOX / YANKS OPEN MLB SEASON - Is it a surprise? The last two years, I'm surprised there are even other teams in the league aside from these two.

BARRY BONDS SAYS HE'S NOT RETIRING YET - He announced this after he received a standing ovation at a benefit he appeared at. Bonds also said that he wouldn't talk to the media anymore. Thanks, Bonds, that's one less load of B.S. we'll have to read in the papers. Now if only GWB decided to stop talking to the media...

POPE'S DEATH / NO SOCCER IN ITALY - As the Pope neared death, the Italian soccer leagues postponed all play until the weekend of mourning was over. But the Sinead Oconner soccer league was still in full, happy session.

NCAA FINALS - It's the first time the number one and two teams in the division face off in the finals. Which brings to light the fact that maybe those rating systems should be changed. I mean shouldn't the number one and two ALWAYS face off?

KOBE INJURED IN GAME AGAINST GRIZZLIES - The Lakers did what they do best this year: lose. Kobe left the game with a shin injury. If you think his shin is injured just imagine his ego when the Miami Heat are cruising through the playoffs while Kobe sits at home with a manicure.

GOLF MASTERS START THIS WEEK - If I could be a master of anything... it would not be golf. I'd rather be a Prop Master... or a Jedi Master... or even a Headmaster. Whatever. Not golf though.

KEVIN HARVICK WINS FIRST NEXTEL CUP RACE IN TWO YEARS - Harvick started last in the race and ended up winning. An incredible feat, especially since his left turn signal wasn't working since Exit 25.

ANOTHER MICHIGAN STATE RIOT - Thousands poured into the streets after Michigan's loss in the Final Four. What is it about a team you're watching losing that appeals to that primal urge to flip other people's cars over?

NCAAW FINALS - Michigan State and Baylor face off. These poor women, who are generally overshadowed by the men's teams, have to fight hard for a championship. And in the end, there is hope that in the future these women can play professionally and be overshadowed by the NBA too.

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: Webber and the Sixers? Sounds familiar...

2005-04-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

written by the Iron Lung

It all sounds familiar. A franchise hero and big name star in a struggling franchise up in years gets traded away to improve the club. The aged player packs his bags and goes elsewhere, not to help their new team contend, just to go off quietly into the night, like the way an old couple moves off to Florida in their retirement years. His purpose on the new team isn't to contribute, just to be a name. "Hey, we have Chris Webber! ...Well, he used to be Chris Webber a long time ago, but here he is in our house!" When the truth is finally revealed is when said superstar goes back to the franchise he will always be associated with and is more appreciated on his old court than in his new. Enter Monday's game where Chris Webber and the Sixers faced off against Sacramento.

Chris Webber was traded from his beloved Sacramento and sent the struggling Sixers. Many said that the trade would finally take some of the offensive responsibility off of Philly's Allen Iverson. But the truth is revealed again. The trade was a better move for Sacramento than it was for Philadelphia, that much is obvious. And Monday, with a seemingly ragged and elderly Webber taking the court in his old stomping grounds to cheers and ovations from fans... And for Webber to be visibly emotional about it and basically telling reporters "I wish I wasn't traded," and then put up a subpar outing to remind people why he was traded and not why they loved him so much in the first place... The truth is revealed... Chris Webber's career is over. We're passed the denouement. He's an old man at 32. The credits are already rolling in the biopic.

Which is not to say Chris Webber is the exact equivalent of Patrick Ewing in his post-Knicks days. But, Webber is pretty close. Even if he produces points, his usefulness is done. He isn't bringing the Sixers into the playoffs and hard work now doesn't seem to be ready to pay off later. His purpose here is to bring a name to go along with the Iverson product. Sure, Chris still has some gas in the tank, but what can Webber still accomplish? The truth, sadly, is nothing. His team, the Kings, the one they will remember him playing for, and now he is a nostalgia act like the Monkees still playing carnival tours. He has nothing new to add, and even if he does, it doesn't seem likely that Webber, whose De has been in steady decline since the new millennium began and whose offense is getting sloppy, will get traded to a team in contention any time soon. And maybe time's running out.

It's sad but it's true. Some of us hoped Webber could have sparked some life into both the team and maybe revitalize Webber. But, Monday's game, the "homecoming," showed that Webber's home is in Sacramento. And that's where he left his career.

We've seen it before. We'll see it again. I wish there was another chance, but there won't be. If there wasn't enough evidence on Monday, Webber then proceeded to sprain his shoulder on Thursday. Hurting himself, fragile, like and old man, in the same way that his career is fragile and old. His only hope now is to bury his Sac ties and get on with it. He'll never win anything in Philadelphia if he left his career in Sacramento.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Message to Amercia - Do Steroids

2005-04-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of us here are still not sure if Paul, who wrote this posting on April Fool's Day, was being ironic with this story... or if he is seriously advocating steroid use. Paul is tough to figure out sometimes. I mean the guy relates everything in life to Smallville, so what do you expect except confusion? Now, without further delay, Paul's post for the week:

written by Cousin Paulie

Using Steroids in a competitive environment is cheating. However, athletes have been using all types of steroids for years, and will continue to do so and continue to use them under the radar.
Steroids are about as American as porn and showers, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I would hate to see them go anywhere. The bottom line is that steroids are not going anywhere, but guess what? You are. You will be long dead, and there will be new enhancements entering the market. So give in, get big, and have fun.

Many people do not understand what the term Steroid actually refers to. Here is the actual definition of STEROID:

"Steroids are complex molecules containing carbon atoms in four interlocking rings. They are important in body chemistry. Among them are the male and female sex hormones, such as testosterone and estrogen and the hormones of the cortices of the adrenal glands, including cortisone. Vitamins of the D group are steroids involved in calcium metabolism. The cardiac glycosides, a group of compounds derived from certain plants are partly steroids. Sterols, including cholesterol, are steroids. Cholesterol is the main building block of steroid hormones in the body: it is also converted into bile salts by the liver." American Medical Journal

What this means is that the body will, can and MUST produce Steroids. The word steroid, in effect, means nothing in regards to what we call "performance enhancing agents." So why take them?

Steroids obviously have MANY medical uses, but in all honesty, who cares?! I sure as hell don't! To me, steroids are a way to get bigger and stronger with as little effort as possible, and isn't that what America is all about? The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, isn't it? For an athlete the goal with steroids is to increase strength and endurance by building muscle which is a result of blood flow into the muscle. The most commonly abused agents are not "the creams" and "the clears," but instead are actually asthma drugs, which increase blood flow into the muscle. These are not mass builders, they are strength builders. Even so, the stronger you get, the more mass you can achieve…

If you want to build MASS go with:
1. Stanozolol, better known as Winstrol. This will give you mass.
2. Humatrope, better known as hGH or Human Growth Hormone. This stuff will even make you taller. WARNING, if you use hGH you will want to inject with a 19 Gauge needle and you will want to move around your injection spots.
3. Boldenone Undecylenate, this is the "race horse" drug. It is used on race horses to bulk them up, and is actually one of the safest anabolic forms out there. This is the drug that you heard rumors about. The "my friend is Part Horse" rumor… Just so you know, it does not work that way.

How do you get these? Get a cat, and tell a vet that the cat has Feline Leukemia . Once you get your meds, dump the cat in a river, or out of the car on the highway, and enjoy your muscular cocktail on the way up happiness road. A less traditional route would be to lose a lot of weight and tell your doctor you are depressed. With your new weight loss, it will be easier to get cut anyway.

Do you want to get "cut"? Then you want to try these guys:
1. and 2. Prednicot, Predniment. What you are looking for is any type of Beta-agonists. You want to maximize the flow of oxygen into your lungs.

Where do you get these? Get them from a friend with Asthma or at a pharmacy in a different country i.e. Mexico. By the way, if you are going to Mexico, I know someone who would like to speak with you before you go. Get at me!

You want best results, and are just getting started? Try:
1. Deca Durabolin and Sustanon at the same time. Cycle this for about 10 weeks, and when you come off of it take Prendisone for 8 weeks in between before starting up again. You will get bigger, and cut. Your liver may not function right, and your heart may stop, but the girls will love you. Is it worth it? YES!

All drugs have side effects, and steroids are no different. The feeling you will get while using steroids is a type of Euphoria like high. You feel like you are on top of the world, and by on top of the world I mean you think you could beat up God himself in a fucking cage match. However, when you stop these drugs, you can expect to crash, and crash hard, and by hard I mean slice your wrists in the shower. Many people suffer from severe anxiety when they discontinue the use of steroids, especially the Anabolic "mass builders". On top of the depression you can expect to break out, mildly or badly. You can expect to keep fat, and lose what you thought was muscle (probably just water) when you are done.

Does everyone take steroids? The answer is yes. From the guy at the gym who is jacked out of his mind, to the high school sprinter. They all take them. It is estimated that 99% of all bodybuilders do take steroids, they are just better at covering them up. It on average takes less than three months to get steroids out of your system. This means that any baseball player who uses steroids and gets caught is just out of his tree and wants to get caught. The bottom-line is this: If you want results, and you want them fast, take steroids. In twenty or thirty years they will be able to cure everything, so have fun now, and worry about the future later.

Just for the record I do not currently use any steroids, because they are bad and illegal, but at the same time I do advocate the use of them to others, because I care about others.

ASK PRETENTIOUS: Khalid's take on the Sixers, Steroids, and Mothers-in-Law

2005-03-31T15:03:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

In a weekly posting here on PretentiousSports.com, your questions are answered by one of your favorite PretentiousSportsters.

For the month of April, Khalid Washington will be answering the questions.

Take it away, Khalid!:

Dear Khalid,
What is up with the Sixers? I thought Webber was going there to help Iverson and they had that division under lock and key. So what's the deal? And Why are the Celtics outplaying em?
-A Concerned Philly fan

Dear Concerned Philly Fan,
The Sixers did make a step in the right direction when picking up Webber. But it wasn’t to make it to the playoffs and contend for a title. The purpose of bringing in Chris Webber was to make Allen Iverson believe that the team were being proactive about getting to the playoffs and getting a championship. That way Iverson wouldn't keep demanding trades in the offseason.

The Celtics are outdoing them right now since they were able to retain Gary Payton and bring Antoine Walker back. With those two and Paul Pierce, plus the rise of youngster Ricky Davis, Boston is going to the playoffs without a doubt. One of the keys to the Celtics is their talented youth, and that’s something the Sixers just don’t have. It doesn't take a genius to tell that the Sixers' “new” Power Forward Chris Webber is nearing the end of his career. How much can a player offer on 10-plus years of banging the boards and a serious ankle injury that he just recovered from after being out for the majority of the ’03 season? Basketball seasons are similar to dog years. Webber (now about 110 years old) is due to retire and the Sixers are not a threat to anyone…except maybe the Knicks.

P.S. Hey Philly Fan, before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s worry about getting the Eagles to hoist that Lombardi Trophy.

Dear Khalid,
Do you think steroids make pro ball more fun? Why is everyone being so rough on it?
-Not Mark

Dear Not Mark, I think steroids in all sports are wrong. Unfortunately, the owners and the fans want their athletes to run faster, jump higher, hit harder and recover from a broken foot in two minutes. Look at players like Bonds and McGuire…they all broke records and are under the microscope because they went from puny to punisher in a matter of a few years. People’s bodies don’t change that dramatically with just diet and exercise. Heck, I’m in the gym twice a week for a whole ten minutes and there's no change in me, so don’t’ expect it from those guys either. Anyhow, in order for the athletes to keep up with demand, they need some thing to help them… I mean, because at the end of the day there is one thing that they do have in common with us. They are imperfect human beings as well. So they juice up. I know a few of our journalists and one of our editors (who shall remain nameless) juice up to write their articles better. So with that said, I agree with the fact that people are rough on steroids. Corporate and personal players' greed will push these players to the juice. And honestly I feel like none of these sports will suffer if we don’t’ see a record breaking act every single year. Just play with what God gave you.

Dear Khalid:
I hate my mother-in-law, even though she is really hot. What should I do?
-Sleepless in Siam

Dear Sleepless,
Don’t mess with the mother in law. I remember a friend of mine was getting some stuff together for a wedding and his mother and law was hot. One day it was just him and the Mom in the house, and she told him that she wanted to have a piece of him right before the wedding because she thought he was that sexy. He told her he wasn’t sure if he could do that…it just didn’t feel right. He said he needed some air and went outside. The mom told him that when he came back and if he was still interested, she would be undressed in the bedroom waiting. When he returned to the door, the father in law answered with his future wife standing there. They both had tears in their eyes and the father said, “We just wanted to see if you would fall to the pressure. But you stood strong. Welcome to the family, 'son!'” He smiled and accepted the group hug that he received, but didn’t let anybody know he had a condom in his pocket from when he went outside….to his car. So keep on hating her, cuz the day you like her is the day you’re dead. I’m out. Keep it Pretentious. Peace.

Do you have a Prtentious Question that you'd like answered?
e-mail your questions to: pretentiousports@gmail.com (remember, it's PretentiousPorts@gmail.com... only one s... we left off the last "S" for savings).

THAT'S LYPHE: NCAA Final Four Preview

2005-03-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

I used to not care much about college basektball. I hadn’t watched a single game of this year’s tournament (except that one night when they played the reruns of Smallville). Besides that one time, college ball just never did it for me.

Until one day I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She expressed the passion that these boys play with, the energy and the drive and it’s all really for the desire to achieve a National Title.

“Really?” I thought to myself. And none of that has to do with looking good to NBA scouts so you can get a higher draft spot and larger salary coming into the big leagues? I’m sure it has nothing to do with that at all. But anyway... I do have respect for these young men because frankly, they can do something I have never had great ability with; and that is the beautiful yet complex art of playing basketball.

So since that day, I have declared myself a college ball expert. You see, we're pretentious here if you haven't noticed and all it takes is some declaring and bam! I am now breaking down the Final Four for you.

Illinois vs. Louisville

I appreciate the fact that Illinois came from out of nowhere this year to make themselves a powerhouse in Division I hoops. Led by the explosive Dee Brown, they can play with the best of them and dominate the worst. Their starting five on the court are a unique three guards (Brown, Luther Head and Deron Williams) and two forward combinations, as opposed to a traditional two guard / two forward / one center line up. The key to their offensive attack is forward Roger Powell Jr. This 6'6" 235 lbs forward is a constant mismatch for opposing teams. If you defend him with a bigger forward, he'll usually have more speed and agility than that defender; if you defend him with a smaller forward or a guard, he can post that defender and put his body on him for easy baskets.

And let's get back on Dee Brown. He’s a great transition shooter and passer, so opposing teams must constantly worry about giving up easy points off turnovers and long rebounds.

If there were a team that could run with Illinois this year, it's North Carolina, Duke, or the team they will be facing to reach the National Championship, Louisville.

Louisville's Coach Rick Patino has developed a team of "never say die" players who actually came back from down by as many as 20 points in their last game to reach this level. They have strong inside rebounders, in particular the 6'8" Freshman Juan Diego Palacio. He, along with the two other big men Louisville brings to their starting five also possess a great ability to hit nineteen footers and post up baskets. Size is also a contributing factor on the perimeter with 6'7" small forward Francisco Garcia. He will probably be matched with the tallest Illinois Guard in Luther Head (6'3"), but Garcia has been torching opponents from beyond the arch this year. This will be a threat to Illinois’ smaller team if Louisville can keep them in a half court game. But this will hard to do, since Illinois is lightning fast and have played inspired ball for the entire year.

This is a toss up, what with Illinois' precision and Louisville's aggression, but I think Illinois will squeak by with a victory and a trip to the big dance by the score 67-64.

North Carolina vs. Michigan State

There is no question here that North Carolina will dominate this game. The Michigan State Spartans don’t have half the talent that the Tarheels have in their little toes. The Spartans are the true Cinderella’s of this year’s tournament. They were written off plenty of times, so it’s not as if they have no clue what it’s like being the underdog. Still, they haven’t faced a team as talented as North Carolina all year. I could hardly tell you who plays for them and I'm an NCAA expert. But I, and everybody with a passing knowledge of the tournament, knows who plays for the Tarheels.

Let’s start with Point Guard Ray Felton. Felton at 6'1" is one of the fastest guys in College Basketball. The only player that comes close is Illinois' Dee Brown. Felton can get up the court and score by his self, and he can drive and dish, and do so arguably better than any Point Guard in the league.

Next you have 6'9" Center Sean May, who is probably the best big man in the league. He can run the court with his smaller counterparts and has great hands for the offensive rebounds and does a better job of following his own missed shots than anybody in the NCAA.
The combination of these two players is enough, since they are both All Americans. Michigan State hasn’t had a stand out player since Mateen Cleaves in 2000.

In conclusion, this probably won’t be a blow out, but it won’t be close either.
North Carolina wins 71-61.

But good luck to all four of these teams as my friend might say to them it's still a game. So more luck as they continue their quests for the National Title and year of glory…and a bigger paycheck in the NBA for those Seniors.

THAT'S LYPHE: An Eagles Fan finally Puts the Super Bowl Behind Him

2005-03-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

Ok, I've heard the from my friends and family, from co-workers and all my Dating Game victims:

What happened to the Eagles in the Super Bowl?

I think I'm finally past the crying stage, and even a few weeks passed whimpering and constant sighing. It's been two months now and I'm willing to put the Super Bowl behind me and move on. So, now I can publicly say that I'm very proud of what the Eagles did last season. They got over the NFC Championship "hump" on their fourth try in as many years and finally advanced to the Super Bowl.

A lot of people have made jokes about the Eagles, who by the way, I'm not afraid to admit it, are my favorite football team. I won't get into the little jabs and bigger jokes. It was worse when they fell short in the conference champs. The fact is that they are still at the head of the class of the NFC and will be just that again in this upcoming season. They have retained 90% of their free agents and the owner and GM do an excellent job handling the Salary Crap (please see Matt Lungariello’s previous post). So with that said, I think we can look forward to another year where the Philadelphia Eagles will be mentioned as one of the league's best. And who knows?: Maybe this coming year I will be able to celebrate their Super Bowl victory.

Until then, Eagles Nation…keeps hope alive.
Peace

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: NCAA Thoughts

2005-03-29T14:34:00.000-08:00

written by Dan Dellicarpini

“Always put your money on the long shots,” someone once told me. It may have been this really drunk guy with vomit stains on his sports jacket who was standing next to me at a blackjack table on a lucky night in Atlantic City. Or maybe it was this bum selling opium that smelled like broccoli outside of the casino, I’m not quite sure. You see, I have a penchant for details – and a penchant for discarding them. I'm rather adept at getting rid of details. You'll notice right now I'm writing a basketball post here and after an entire paragraph, all we've been yapping about is my swiss cheesed memory.

Anyway, with the NCAA tournament almost over, it’s safe to say that many upsets occurred on college courts across the country, and a lot of hard earned money was handed over to seedy bookies in the back alleys of lower New Jersey.

Vermont ousting Syracuse from the tourney may well have been one of the best moments, mostly because I had picked Vermont to go all the way (right up there next to Fairleigh Dickenson and East Kentucky), but alas, fate has a cruel way of punishing everyone, and the Catamounts finished their season with Michigan State upping the hemp-clad University by eleven points. Se la vie. I was out $100, and Vermont, a state notorious for caring about sports as much as they do physical hygiene, was ecstatic that they dethroned a favorite to win the entire shebang. At least someone went home satisfied. So now, less than ten days later, I’m faced with somewhat of a predicament: is there a long shot to put my money on in the Final Four, or do I attempt to play it safe and put my money on Certain Victory (if such a thing even exists in college basketball)?

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL: 3/26/2005 - The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports

2005-03-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

What the PretentiousSports World was talking about this week...

written by Buddy Lung, Jr.

BONDS MAY BE OUT FOR SEASON - In the most staged and overly melodramatic baseball moment since last year's bloody sock, a crutch-holding Barry blamed the media for finally breaking him down. So why can't we -with all the hassle we give her- get rid of J.Lo?

IVERSON FINED FOR SPAT WITH REF - Infamous ball hog (and also, incidentally, NBA's top scorer) Allan Iverson continued his lack of sportsmanship by trying to attack a referee. Guys like Iverson, Spre, and Artest should have collars and leashes as part of their required uniforms.

CAVS FIRE COACH PAUL SILAS - The Cavs, struggling since the All-Star game and threatening to drop out of playoff contention, fired Silas with the year almost over. This ought to fix the team up, who by the way have changed coaches about four times in the last five years. You know what they say, fifth time's the charm.

RED SOX PLAYERS FILM QUEER EYE EPISODE - An odd choice, since Boston seems to be on the cutting edge of fashion as it is. And those socks, I mean they're red after all. Now that's a bold fashion statement if I've ever seen one. The only advice the Fab Five had was to not wear the sock if it's bloody (see above Bonds comment).

HOPKINS/TAYLOR TO FIGHT IN JULY - Middleweight Champ Bernard Hopkins takes more than twice as big a purse home as his opponent Jermain Taylor. Which makes sense since Hopkins is over twice Taylor's age. At the press conference Hopkins plans to sit on a rocking chair and have Taylor sit on his lap.

L.A. LAKERS DROP 7TH IN A ROW - Somewhere Phil Jackson is smiling. Meanwhile, somewhere his secretary is taking a lot of phone messages with job offers... from LA, from Cleveland, from New York... just to name a few.

PACERS / PISTONS ROUND 2 - The Friday night game was delayed an hour and a half due to a bomb threat in the Pacers lockerroom. Luckily, the only thing that bombed was the Pistons defense.

MARCH MADNESS CONTINUES - Blablabla North Carolina will win... blablabla it's more exciting because it's unpredictable blablabla that's because they're amateurs blablabla I'd rather watch the World Series of Algebra.

BID FOR NYC WEST SIDE STADIUM UP TO $1 BILLION - The NFL has unanimously approved 2010's Super Bowl to be held in New York if the Jets can outbid the current high mark... For over $1 billion dollars, I say keep your Super Bowl, I'll just use the money to watch the Bowl in the luxury box of Giants Stadium in New Jersey. Round of beer on me, guys!

NHL DRAFT CANCELLED - Just another event in a long line of bickering between the league and the PA. No offense but I saw this coming. This draft had about as much chance to proceed as the Howie Mandell Show did.

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: King Kobe Finally Got His Wish

2005-03-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

written by The Iron Lung

We said it was the end of the dynasty and we were right; but no one could have foreseen the depths of mediocrity that this team would fall to. The dynasty has not just ended... it's come crashing down like a soda cup from the stands aimed at Ron Artest's head. The Lakers, the former team-to-beat in the NBA now finds itself contending with the Clippers just to stay on top as the #1 team in LA. Yes, the Clippers, the most famous punchline in hoops, are a legitimate threat to overtake the Lakers for third worst in their division.

Where did it go wrong? Was it when the now-retired Rudy T, only a few weeks after a hugely publicized signing, quit as coach due to "health problems?" No, it wasn't. That might have been the "point of no return" in an already doomed season, but it certainly wasn't the cause. T-Bone was just jumping overboard on a sinking ship, one that's been sinking for some time. And who is that hole in the boat, a hole so big it would take Shaq to fill it? It's so obviously Kobe Bryant. And everyone knows it. Everyone has known it. But despite Kobe's having the Lakers administration in his pocket, even his biggest detractors, myself included, figured Kobe was enough of a super star to get the job done, if not on the level he could have with some of his old teammates and his super coach. We figured Kobe could at least compete in the league, even as a one-man team. Now, we've realized he can't.

That's not to say Kobe hasn't been getting a job done, just not the job done, not the job that LA needs him to. All Kobe ever wanted to be was a superstar, THE superstar, THE undisputed face of the Lakers. He might finally have his wish. Take for example Tuesday night's loss to the equally "limping" Jazz, where Kobe scored 43-points, only to see his team lose. The pro-Bryant argument is that Kobe can't be a one-man team, but isn't that exactly what he's wanted?

Current head coach Frank Hamblen was hired not because LA needed a coach, he was hired because LA needed a coach who wasn't going to be a volatile mix with Kobe. Kobe's supporters are using the argument that Hamblem needs to get Kobe's teammates like Lamar Odom (15.3 PPG) or Caron Butler (14.3 ppg) in the mix. It's a young team, they say, that needs to find it's groove, it's two highest calibre veterans, Vlade and Brian Grant hurt, it's up to the youngsters to get their groove and give their superstar Kobe some support. Guess what? Now Odom's day-to-day with a strained right shoulder, and even if he wasn't his job is nothing more than to play not-as-well as Kobe. Who does this leave as support?

It can't be Chucky Atkins, who along with Bryant, Odom, and Butler, is the only other double digits points scorer on this year's team with 14 PPG. He is only Chucky Atkins after all and can't be expected to bear the type of weight in a game that the Lakers need. Chucky is no Shaq.

With only Kobe to contend with, all the opponents' D has to do on any given game is hold back "King Bryant." Because there's no Plan B if Kobe is having an off night. Want evidence? Look at Thursday's game against the Nuggets. DerMarr Johnson basically owned Kobe, harassing the guy and limiting him to 18 points, and leaving Butler to have one of his better games in weeks with 22 points, 9 rebounds, and 4 steals. But how can Butler be truly effective when the bench is still calling to get the ball out to King Kobe even on a night when he went 5-13 for field goals and 0-4 from the line? They weren't calling plays to win, they were calling plays to get Kobe to win. It was a game handed to Denver. The Nuggets chewed up the Lakers, then spit them out for LA's 7th loss in as many games. It didn't need to be a loss, but that's what Kobe wanted. He wanted to be the whole team and now he is.

Now he's even the whole team even some nights when he doesn't want to be. Think back to the L.A. @ N.Y. game February 28th. Kobe took a 3-pointer down in the final seconds of the game to tie it and send the game to overtime, after having bounced back from a 10-point deficit. The Lakers took the air out of MSG and for all intents and purposes, the Knicks handed the Lakers the game. It came down again to the last play in OT, when the ball again was put in - guess who? - Kobe's hands. Bryant passed out to Luke Walton under the net for Walton to try a tying shot. But Walton was a little crowded up and passed back to Kobe, who was not expecting the pass. Kobe fumbled the ball and couldn't get a shot out before the buzzer. The Knicks won... and Kobe, in typical Kobe fashion, spiked the ball in anger and cursed out Walton before heading to the lockerroom. What Kobe want Walton to do? This is Kobe's team, not Walton's. Kobe is always the one who is going to take the tying shot. Win or lose. Just like when King Bryant choked against former teammate Shaq and the Heat. In that much-hyped Christmas game on a buzzer 3-point attempt, all Kobe managed was to trim rim. It's all Bryant, win or lose. So Kobe can't blame Walton; he wanted this to be his team and now it is.

As the saying goes "Be careful what you wish for... you just might get it." Bryant had been quick to take credit last season when Shaq left. He said he didn't need Shaq and said that he himself, not Shaq, not Jackson, deserved the King's share of the credit. Now this season, Kobe is singing a different tune.

"I hope people judge me on my body of work... and not just this season," he said in a postgame interview last week. Why wouldn't I judge Kobe on this season? This is HIS year: the year he's wanted, where the team is his and his alone. This team is Kobe and everyone else is just Kobe's "support."

"Support?" From a man who may have Magic Johnson and the rest of the Lakers front office wrapped around his finger, but who has basically exhausted any and all star power in favor of a court scandal or lockerroom shenangians? Support is impossible. The young players have made up the roster not because they offer support, but because they won't get in Kobe's hair as the superstar of the team. If there's a game to be won, it will be by Bryant. How can Odom and Butler prevail if it's always going to be Kobe taking the winning jump shot or playing the big d? The only hope for the up-and-comers is get under the radar. Because as soon as they become mentioned in the same sentence as Kobe, they might as well pack their bags. Kobe has pushed away any talent near him because maybe they were hogging the spotlight. Well, Kobe you've gotten the spotlight now. While Phil Jackson remains the most marketable coach in basketball, his feet up reclining somewhere in the Bahamas... While Shaq is playing to win in an MVP year with a teammate like Dwayne Wade who is good in all the right ways and a teammate and a good winner in a way like Kobe never will be... While Kobe gets his face on a box of Wheaties and a movie deal... Kobe sits as the superstar, the King of La, the only movie his name is involved in is a movie of the week about the rape accusations scandal.

All hail Kobe: KING... of nothing.

BEYOND THE MATT: NYC West Side Stadium Both Good and Bad

2005-03-24T15:50:00.000-08:00

written by Matt Lungariello

I ran a google search in order to do a little research and find out more about this complex matter of the West Side Stadium. I set out, as any PretentiousSports "journalist" would, to get right to the center the real, true issues at hand.

I spent half an hour reading a list of pros and cons from Masters students at a nearby University. At first, I thought I was wasting my time. I mean what kind of useful information can these hungover, stoned college kids give me? As it turned out, these kids were offering intelligent, well thought out explanations as to why they agreed with the idea or why they didn’t . I read on, taking notes which I recently starting doing. This is because since my most recent article “Salary Crap," yours truly, your friend and fearless leader was totally drunk and consumed with a healthy dose of “writer’s block.” But that's for another post.

These students were referring to particular ground sites as F11, Cyber-Café, LBJ, Flawn Center, Flawn Terrace. I sipped my beer in despair. These plans were further over my drunken head than I had previously suspected. I have lived in New York my entire life. I've been to the city more times than I can count. How is it, drunk, sober, or high as a kite that I have never heard of any of these places?

Well, the answer was simple enough: Because these students were from the University of Texas. That’s right, these debates weren't about the West Side Stadium at all, but about a project that would take place of the "West Side" of their campus. These Book geeks were talking about a student activity center and I didn't see it coming. And that gets to the real heart of the issue, which is "what the hell are the issues again?"

I moved onto other research. It's no secret the naysayers are getting a little more publicity than the yaysayers. Except who are these yaysayers, except some suit millionaires looking up to exploit some land? What are the pro's except higher revnue for the NFL and another piece of the Tagliabue redesign-the-entire-league's-stadiums mission? It's not clear what these pro's are actually. Just that if you're a Jets fan, and one who doesn't live in New York, then it is a nice thought to know you can see your Jets in a Jets stadium and not in your most hated enemies' (The Giants) territory. Or maybe it's just better to finally have your team be in New York (for those that don't know the Jets and Giants play their home games in New Jersey). Really, other than that what is the true heart of the pro's? Some electrical contracts for NYC policticans friends maybe? Or Tagliabue promising the coveted Super Bowl in 2010? We've heard the arguments not just here, but in San Diego, Cleveland, and countless other cities in the Tagliabue era: "More jobs, more tourism, more revenue." We've also never seen anything that showed us that it did make the city richer... just a few people who own property in the city. So what are the tangibles in favor of this project? There remains no real answer except the rehearsed Taglia-B.S. that we've been getting since last century.

It's easy to find people who are opposed to the idea. Almost any NYC resident: Jets fans included ("I love my Big Green Machine, but I love lower taxes more."). Giants fans too ("get them bums outta my town"), and everyone who faces a regular commute in and out of the city ("build the stadium out in Flushing Meadow... there's plenty of worthless land there").

This is tangible, real people reasoning. "Where we gonna park our cars?" Part of the Football game experience includes heading out to the stadium early for a little tailgating, a sandwich, some liquor maybe, and certainly a few laughs. That's not possible in a city where no one drives because they can't park as it is. Just add 70 thousand more people to the mix. They aren't going to all take the train, that's for sure. And even if they did, we'd need better trains and again more tax money for the Tagliabue dream. If people are to be parked aproximately 55 blocks away from the friends they share season tickets with, would tailgating go the way of the dinosaur? And it's the taxpayers that pay. They always pay. Not just in the NFL, in every stadium that's ever been built in the modern era. How would that make you feel if you don’t like Football? Or even better, if you don’t like the Jets? You’re paying for it! I wouldn't be very pleased if a 70 seater ballet arena opened on the West Side, so let's be fair. Sports is private enterprise. And those are the people calling the shots on the pro side of the argument. Only these private businessmen... and Joe Namath, who is probably more drunk than I was researching this post.

They are blindpromising the 2012 Olympic games if we build a stadium and capable facility right now. And Tagliabue and his NFL staff have announced that if NY builds the new stadium, the 2010 Super Bowl will be held there. Thanks! That really will boost the New York economy. But for who again? A bunch of suits, who make millions anyway. A bunch of contractors who get the jobs anyway. Meanwhile, the lower class, the people who would be unemployed, still will be unemployed... Especially when these major construction contracting jobs get sold off to out of state companies and bring in union workers from all over the East Coast metropolis, from New York to Virginia. Olympics and stadium building has never been able to be make exclusive contracts to companies from the city of the site location. The argument goes "Give that money to the schools and build jobs there." The jobs that are coming out of a West Side stadium benefit some, but not the common man. So again, what are the pro's? This entire thing seems to be about everything you can think of besides the New York Jets. As if the owner cares more about a new stadium than he does winning a championship. In case you havent noticed, Herm Edwards is still the incapable coach and you just a friendly reminder Lamont Jordon and John Abraham walked.

And who cares if the Olympics are in my home state: I still won't go or watch. Does anyone want the Olympics in NYC? No one that ever visits or travels there, I can tell you that. Just ask Greece how profitable it was for their country.

Why wasn’t this entire thing setup to allow the city council to have a vote? Where are all the requests for proposals to determine the best development opportunity for the site and the highest possible return? Where is the city’s share coming from, and why wont this allocation of funds go through the “normal” capital review process? These are the questions that you hear from a NYC resident that isnt throwing the idea into the toilet, they are just asking for a little bit of that Democracy the country is supposed to be all about.

I am not anti-Stadium, I am just asking for clarification. Give me some pro's. I beg of you. There are comments below and just tell me, pro-Stadium people what are the tangible reasons to build the stadium in Manhattan? Right now, it seems to this author that the arguments for pro's and even some of the con's, coming from MSG owners Cablevision, are arguments between a bunch of suits, both sides with points that end in dollar signs. And the truth is these are arguments that are going to go unanswered for you and me. And like all of the other polictical agendas set forth by the Tagliabue era, all we can do is sit back and watch. But at least until our taxes go up, we won't have to pay NFL ticket prices, or hop on a three-year waiting list for tickets.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Pat's vs. Gino's... or Pat vs. Geno

2005-03-24T15:14:00.000-08:00

written by Cousin Paulie
While watching the NCAA tournament highlights and realizing that I am out of contention in my pool I started to do what everyone in CT does, and I mean everyone, and that's switch on Woman's Basketball. This in turn made me hungry which often happens when watching basketball I find (especially women's). And when I think of food I think of Philly. I used to live in the City of Brotherly Love, which, in case you didn't know is best known for it's cheesesteak sandwiches.

I have never eaten a Philly Cheesesteak in my life, but after living in the area for four years it's hard not to notice that in Philly there are two things sacred: Rocky and cheesesteaks. Maybe the two best places, or ONLY two places that you can go for these "steaks" is Pat's or Gino's.

Although I have never had a cheesesteak, I am pretty sure that Philadelphia Native Geno Auriemma has. This got methinking yet again: Some people, especially in CT would argue that you have really only two choices for the best coach of all time. Once again, Pat or Geno! Now for everyone who does not live in CT or TN, that would be Pat Summit (VOLS) or Geno Auriemma (HUSKIES). Now, I know they are women's coaches, which is the equivalent to some as being "not on the same level as men's basketball." But hold it right there!

This is college. Keep in mind, whether you think Women's Basketball is on the level of competition as Men's or not, you need to understand that with college basketball, the cream of the team is renewed every four years. This means that a coach who consistently wins does so with new players every year (and yes, recruiters are very important as well but giving you a hammer chisel and two tons of marble doesn't mean you can sculpt a statue). If you have ever seen Girls' ball, and if you're from CT than you most definitely have, then you know these two teams… Tennessee and Uconn. And just like the argument for cheesesteaks, comes the argument who is the better ooach. Let's take a look -

Geno Auriemma: Naismith National Coach of the year four times, Associated Press Coach of the Year four times, Women's Basketball coach of the year three times and Big East Coach of the Year five times. Over nineteen years Geno is SOLID at 532-103. Do you know what that means? Homeboy ranks first among all time active Division 1 Coaches. Add to this that the UCONN Women won 69 Straight home games… Let me say that again: 69 IN A ROW! Add to this Uconn's FLAWLESS graduation record. Auriemma is also very close friends with SJU's Phil Martelli, which is the ultimate in hanging out with an ugly guy to make yourself look good.

Pat Summit: Over the last 31 years this Woman (or reasonable facsimile thereof) has gone 880-171. She has SIX NCAA titles, and - Guess what? Every year that Geno did not win that coach of the year title, it went to Pat. As a player she won a silver at the Olympics in 76, and a few years later coached the USA to the first women's Gold medal ever. Not too shabby from a woman who looks like Dorothy from the Golden Girls with a bad hair dye job.

Winning percentages : Auriemma .838 Summit .837… Name one coach who is still legit that can match these percentages. The truth is that you can't do it.

I could bore you with facts about their lives and things like that, but who cares? That would be about as much fun as "The Boz:Autobiography of Brian Bosworth.

The bottom line is that I don't care if you coach Dames, Broads, Legs, Chicks, Chops, Babes, Hoes, or Dudes… Even fleas. The argument of weak competition doesn't apply just because you aren't watching. These two are 99% Amazing.

What does this have to do with CheeseSteaks? Absolutely nothing. Like I said, I have never even eaten those philthy things (get itPHilthy... ahem....). All I can say is honestly, who cares about Pitino, Calhoun, and all of those other clowns? They don't hold a candle to these two. You can argue both sides, but like the cheesesteaks, in the end they are both delicious (or so I've heard). Now they go girl!

Just like Pat's Vs. Gino's in the steak race.

Winners
STEAKS : Pat's Vs. Gino's WINNER: Larry's Steaks by St. Joseph's
Women's Basketball : Pat Vs. Geno WINNER: Larry Barcello from Waterbury

YET ANOTHER BLACK EYE FOR BOXING AND ROCKY BALBOA

2005-03-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

written by Marco Tavares, member Disassociated Press

Arizona (AP)- In what appears to be another case of fact being stranger than fiction, recently unclassified FBI reports have unearthed a conspiracy involving Mike Tyson and film production company United Artists to fake Mr. Tyson's bankruptcy. United Artists came to agreement with Tyson when they were unable to sell syndication rights to the film "Rocky 5" which depicted fictional Rocky Balboa, former heavyweight champ returned to dire straights in his Phillie hometown. Now, the scandal may send a "knockout blow" to both the studio and boxing in general.

Mike Tyson, once the most feared man in the world and self-proclaimed "baddest man on the planet," has amassed over $300 million in purses throughout a turbulent career and was believed to owe $38 million to various creditors, including the Internal Revenue Service and ex-wife Monica Turner.

According to previous reports, Tyson was penniless and was quoted earlier last year as saying: "For two years I have been a bum, truly a bum in the streets. I've got nowhere to live. I've been crashing with friends, literally sleeping in shelters."

According to recently unclassified FBI documents from 1998, the President of United Artists, Lawrence Wilcox, met with Mike Tyson and his business associates in a gentleman's club in Atlanta, Georgia. What was allegedly discussed was compensation (believed to be cash and a cameo role as Adrian's ex-boyfriend in"Rocky 6") to Mr. Tyson in order for him to hide his assets and claim bankruptcy. Mr. Wilcox was allegedly under the belief that every time television networks TNT or TBS, among many others, broadcasted "Rocky" marathons,t hey would always omit the final "epic " of the series, Rocky V, due to being too"unrealistic".

Mr. Wilcox conspired with Mike Tyson to declare bankruptcy,which in turn would make the plot of Rocky V. In the film, Rocky signs over Power of Attorney to his low-life, alcoholic, leaching, Brother-in-Law, "Uncle"Pauly, who in turn loses the entire Rocky Balboa fortune within a course of a month, while Rocky was away in Russia to fight Ivan Drago. The plot, initially considered far-fetched, seems to be much more realistic and marketable after the Tyson scandal. (Despite the explanation of this particular reality problem, another goes unsolved: the FBI documents provide no info as to how Rocky Jr. went from 6 years old to 14 years old from the end of the Drago Fight in "Rocky IV" to the time where Rocky landed back in the U.S. in "Rocky V." Rocky's eye wasnt even healed up yet and the kid aged 10 yrs. But, I digress...)

FBI agents in Scottsdale announced their findings shortly after they seized records from Commercial Federal Bank regarding Mike Tyson's numerous accounts and noticed awkward activity. There have been tens of thousands of moneys wires that have been sent to Off-Shore Accounts in the Cayman Islands. Some of the name on these accounts, such as "Spider Rico," "Union Kane," "George Washington Duke," "Al Savani," and "Home Team, Inc.," have been assumed to be of dubious ownership, most likely dummy accounts for this mind-boggling scheme.

Attempts were made to contact Arizona FBI lead investigator Nick Bachetti, but he declined to comment. Unnamed sources in the FBI department have told the Disassociated Press that "This is the most ridiculous scheme that we have ever seen, or at least since the X-Files finale. We will uncover every stone until the truth is told. But on the bright side, at least now when TNT has their weekly Rocky marathon, all five movies will be shown, like it should be."

THE DATING GAME: Opening Day in San Diego

2005-03-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

I wasn't even out of San Diego and the season had already begun. And as I walked out of a bar in San Diego, a potential hot night cap lying ahead, I winked at my opponent... An NFL running back.... And I smiled. It's gonna be tough to top opening day.

I went to San Diego just to get warm. I left the prospects Practice and Grapefruit back in New York. My big plans for the season are to get them to sign a contract where the three of us could engage in a Triple Play. Ok, I'm out of sports metaphors again.

The Opening Day prize that I'd engage in competition over was a delicious morsel we'll call Nestle. Because she was dark skinned, lovely, and made you want to unwrap the tin foil softly then jump up on her and crunch up every piece of her like a Nestle crunch bar.

Scouting Report:
Height: 5 foot 6 inches
Weight: 125-130 lbs.
Hair: Black, Shoulder length
Skin Color: Brown
Vital Statistic: *Wild Halagunga (for those who ain't in the know, she had a nice tail)

(*Keep these asterisk terms in mind for the quiz at the end of the season)

I was just ready to party one last night in Cali before heading back to New York. As far as I was concerned it was a rest day for when I had to pitch the big game back in New York. I spotted Nestle and she spotted me, and it was like the whole place disappeared. And it just wasn't cause my friend I was with had bad gas...

I started dreaming that scene in Naked Gun: "She had the kind of legs you could suck on for a day."

I had to meet her and so I went to her and introduced myself as the Dating Game guy and she replied, "Oh! Practice told me about you! How would you like to leave with me right now?"

Anyway, Nestle and myself sat on a couch in a very exquisite club in the San Diego area. The DJ was doing his thing and the dance floor was packed. That's where she wanted to be. And that's where we went first. Forty-five sweaty and spasm filled minutes later (I'm not the Pro Electric Slide dancer I used to be) I decided to ask her if she wanted a drink. After my fourth Tequila Sunrise and her third Cosmopolitan, we were deep into a great conversation. I asked her the typical questions that a pro dater would ask:

Me: Are you in a serious relationship or dating?
DL: I'm single and I don't date that much.
Me: Surprising that a beautiful girl like you doesn't get asked out a lot more.
DL: I get asked out a lot, but I decline a lot. I actually got asked out by a football player yesterday.
Me: Really? Which one?
DL: Some guy that used to play for the Denver Broncos. I think his name is Terrell Davis.

Incredible!!! I mean, Terrell Davis?
Here are some of his stats:
-Led the NFL in rushing and TD's in 1998 (2008 yards and 21 TD's)
-Led the NFL in receiving TD's by a running back in 1998
-2 time Super Bowl winning running back
-over 1,000 yards rushing in only 8 playoff games (he had 157 yards and 3 TD's in his 1st Super Bowl vs. Atlanta Falcons)
-Top 50 in rushes, yards, and TD's all time in the NFL
-3 Time Pro Bowler

More important than all of that he is probably 40 lbs heavier than me (all muscle) and his pockets got me beat by more than a lot. I mean much more than a lot. He's like Bill Gates compared to my salary. And she shut him down? Oh well, he must have been a jerk to her. But who cares about all of that? The girl he wanted is with me right now. And since she was it my time to strike:

Me: I want to be completely honest with you.
DL: I wouldn't want anything else from you (smile and wink, inside I'm gagging)
Me: Well it's my last night in California. I'm going back home to New York ("for the 2nd season of dating", I thought to myself). What I'm trying to say is right now it's the fourth quarter and there's 2 minutes left. I'm down by 6 points and I need to, umm, "score." So I was wondering if I could leave my friends behind and stay with you tonight. They're cute and all, but I would much rather be with you right now.

The desperation in my voice was like white on rice. I never thought to myself that it would work but why not? I figured three Cosmopolitans would dull her senses.

DL: (now laughing) Umm. Why not?

SUCCESS! I did it! And I couldn't believe it something that stupid actually worked. But hey I was never one to question my God-given dating talent. I downed my drink and we then proceeded to the door. And just as we were trying to figure out where the closest "Playing Field" (I hope I don't have to explain) was, he walked in. The two-time Super Bowl Champ, the league leader in rushing 1998, the man himself, Mr. Terrell Davis.

His calm demeanor was almost frightening. Well, to me it was. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "This man is going to pull punt my head into the parking lot." Oh, wait he was a running back, he can't kick. Maybe I was safe.

He noticed Nestle right away, and I could tell he was looking to crunch. He smiled and approached her. I didn't know what to say or do, so reacting with the cleverest line I could muster up I said, "Isn't that Terrell Davis?"

That's when he paused and stared. At me. My stomach turned over, as if I ate just a little too many Nestle candy bars for my own good.

He looked me up and down then fixed his eyes on mine. Then out of nowhere he smiled and nodded his head at me as to say, "What's up?" I fixed my face now that I wasn't afraid of getting it rearranged by a pro football player.

I responded with my own nod as to say, "Yeah...I got this." Nestle and myself then proceeded to the playing field to "finish the game we started."

Entrance to Club Silk: $15.00
4 Tequila Sunrises and 3 Cosmopolitans: $60.00
Admission to the Playing Field: $110.00
Knowing you got a girl that a former professional football player couldn't get: Priceless

That was my opening day. Full of chocolate and pro football players. And so what if I never won a Super Bowl. For that day alone, in the Dating Game, I was as much of a superstar as advertised. And now the season is in full swing... Next stop Triple Play.

A MEMO FROM THE SPORTS DESK: Gambling... The Best Sport of them All

2005-03-22T16:56:00.000-08:00

written by Dan Dellicarpini

I gamble.

I gamble a lot.

But here's the thing: I'm not your conventional gambler. While the average sports bettor will bet for or against a spread, or just on the final outcome, I like to keep things interesting while watching a game. Who will make the next three-pointer, next fumble, or the next two-run home run? Betting tidy sums of money on an ordinary sporting event will suddenly transform it into a brutal match of extraordinary proportions. Suddenly, the mid-season game that no one wants to watch because Will and Grace reruns seem better now becomes a playoff game.

Sweat starts pouring from your brow. Your knuckles turn white knowing you just put up two large on a bet that some white guy will dunk the ball next. Money makes sports (as well as sex) more exciting. Knowing that you (and possibly players of the team you're rooting for) have wagered large sums of cash on obscene and tiny outcomes makes life a little bit more worthwhile.

THIS AIN'T SMALLVILLE: Nothing Classic About Classic Sports

2005-03-18T05:31:00.000-08:00

written by Cousin Paulie
There's nothing worse than seeing a repeat of your favorite show.

So now imagine how angry I was on Wednesday night to find a repeat of Smallville on the WB. I was all geared up in my Clark Kent pajamas and eating popcorn dyed green with food coloring. The green wasn't for St. Patty's Day, it was because I always eat "kryptonite popcorn" on Wednesday. Seeing the repeat of the Smallville episode, I almost chocked on a dyed green kernel. My mind drifted in thought of other "repeats" I wouldn't want to see. And most of them are on ESPN Classics.

Imagine a Yankees fan doomed to watch repeats of the Red Sox/Yankees ALCS from 2004 once a week. Or a Philly fan flipping on the Sunday game, only to end up watching the Eagles lose the Super Bowl over and over again. Only my Dad watches games taped five years ago. And that's only because he has a weak heart and can't take the excitement of a live game. He wants to know what happens so there's never any surprises. That's my Dad and that's why he's nuts... but the rest of us humans would have to say that's a pretty boring way to live.

Even if your team wins a "Classic" game, and wins in a dramatic fashion, you've lost the buildup of drama knowing the way it will be won. Maybe I'm just not an avid enough sportswatcher, but I'd be too much a of an atypical New York Yankees fan if I expected my team to win every game (and by the way, Yanks fans, you now could watch your team win every episode of Yankees Classics on the Yes Network in the New York region).

A game for the non-Yankees world is made to watch for the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen next. It's very much like an episode of Smallville: you want to see it all go down now and right now, and not see it go down in an episode from three years ago.

For example, I watched Smallville on Wednesday night knowing full well that Clark will not go to Metropolis to play football, but for some reason, last Wednesday night I had to watch an episode where he is being scouted. Why? His character is past this plot point. And now it's like an extended "Instant Replay"... one really long instant replay. On that same note, I could have been watching the 2001 World Series Game 7, knowing full well the D-Backs would pull off a last minute victory. This just does not do it for me. Again, it is a really long instant replay.

It's bad enough I have to watch card playing on ESPN, and I definitely don't need to see the NCAA final four from eighty-deuce too.

Take for example Lex Luther and his quest for the lost stones. Will he find them? Who knows? What happens if he does? Who knows? ButI will tell you what, I would much rather find out what happens there than watch the Knicks loose to the Pacers again and again.

Does anyone want to watch your videos of you scuba diving on vacation? NO. But tell the story and for some reason people will listen. What the hell does that have to do with anything, you ask? I have no clue. All I am saying is that Classic Sports get on my nerves. Maybe it's just because I am pissed there is no new Smallville this week. Or maybe Classic Sports is kryptonite to the real sports enthusiast.

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: A Late Black History Month Lament

2005-03-18T05:16:00.000-08:00

written by the Iron Lung

RE: Another Successful Black History Month February 2005

Dear White-bred-American-powers-that-be:

Thanks so much for giving us a whole month to celebrate Black history! That's really so kind of you! No, really I'm not being sarcastic or anything, giving us one whole month to celebrate our history is so noble and kind of you! On second thought, February isn't even "one whole month" because it's only 28 days, but whatever, we appreciate the month anyway. We know there is barely any room for all the great Black men and women in history since there's so many White-skinned Anglo Saxon ones. Even sparing us a 28-day month is so nice of you. Thanks! I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky.

Once I thought that designating a Black History Month is actually quaint and condescending, kind of like giving the Black population of America a kid's table at a family holiday. But, man-oh-man after I saw your "Happy Black History Month" public service commercials this year I realized that you weren't condescending Black-skinned people in this country, you were actually throwing us a bone. If you didn't, in all your Whiteness and wisdom, designate an almost-whole month to us, our Black heritage might be lost. But now we have our very own history: "Black History." And this is just as good as White history... well, not really as good, because we only get one month, but almost as good. We know that White figures in history like Bill Shakespeare and Albert Einstein need the other eleven months and they obviously take precedence over our heroes. Actually, now that I think of it, White History even needs to borrow two days out of our month for White President's Day (there aren't any Black ones if you haven't noticed) and let's not forget St. Valentine's Day (I've never seen a Black Cupid before). But that's ok, take the days. Those other 26 days in the month are plenty, we're so thankful that you have acknowledged our history. You really are so noble.

And also thanks to the exclusively White-owned and almost-exclusively White-coached MLB for taking this month to recognize the hordes of baseball talent that passed through the various Negro leagues. That's not patronizing either. No, really it isn't! It was so nice of all the White rich guys who run the league to retire Jackie Robinson's jersey number league-wide a few years back. All of us love Jackie for putting up with everything that he did and blazing the path for Blacks to play in the White leagues. And we're sure that's why you love Jackie too, right? It's not because Jackie was the beginning of the end of the "Negro Leagues" which had thrived for decades with Black players, Black coaches, Black management only to be absorbed and dissolved in favor of the White standard. And you definitely don't love Jackie because all of the persecution he put up with encouraged others to come to your league so that the White owners could exploit the Black baseball-playing population for everything it's worth. No, you love Jackie because he "broke the color barrier" and when we say color barrier, we don't mean he "broke the barrier for White leagues to make money off Black players and Black fans." I think it was much better for equality to take the black players into MLB, but leave the Black teams out.

Sincerely,
Black America

* - Note: I am not a black guy, but I know a scam when I see one. I'm not saying that Blacks should boycott Black History month, but I'm saying we'll never get anywhere with equality if we need to have Black America pacified to celebrate their heritage ONE MONTH out of the year. Bring that month and make it every day, whether you're black, white, red, yellow, purple, or blue.

And now that I've said that: VOTE IRON LUNG 2008!

THE DATING GAME: Spring Training's Got Khalid Springing into Action

2005-03-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

SAN DIEGO, CA
The last few blogless months have been like the Yankees' offseason. I been sitting, moping around, wondering how my Dating Game career collapsed and when and how I could get back out there are start swinging again. It's not that my Dating Game playing collapsed at the end of last year, as much as I just hopped into the witness protection program. I'm serious too. And why, you ask? Let's put it this way:

NEW DATING GAME RULE
Never send a link to your blog to the girls you are writing about. Apparently when I called that one girl a "buddaface" last year, she didn't find it as funny as I did. There was no doubt about it, I was losing my touch. For a while I was even thinking of getting serious with grown and sexy... But those are thoughts for winter, thoughts for the Dating Game offseason. All I needed was to get out here to San Diego and start hitting off the tee again and hitting on the manequins we have here for Dating practice. Yep, it was a long and sad winter...

But now Pretentious Sports is back and so am I, out in the Dating Game Spring Training grounds in Cali, getting ready to head back to New York next week for the "regular season."

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
Yes, I consider myself an author. So what? It's my blog and if you don't like it, then you could post a comment about how I'm not a real author. I won't argue. I'm a fighter not a lover. Which brings me back to the task at hand, which is a note from the author (that's me) about the dating game...

I've have decided to make a few changes to this column. I got bored with reading about myself every week, so I thought it would be nice if we could get some other participants to the site every now and then, try to sort out the stories of the other playas... that is, players in the Dating Game nationwide. I spoke with my editor/boss/brain child (* he forgot to say "genius" and "sex symbol" - ed.) of this wonderful site and we both agreed that there can’t be a 2005 Dating Game MVP without competition. So the door's open. If anybody has a story new or hey even an old they would like to share, please send them to this website or to my personal email KHWash@verizon.net. If I mention your story, you'll remain anonymous so don’t worry about anyone knowing who you are you or who you're talking about. As I said before I learned my lesson. But anyway, drop me a line... who knows? You might end up in my year end Dating Game Hall of Fame.

And now, since we, blogger and reader, are all caught up together like one big happy "Dating" family... wait that sounded like we're a family who date each other... let's call us a happy "Dating" community - Let's get to the Dating!

WARMING UP IN SPRING TRAINING
It was only a warmup with girl #1 in Spring Training. We'll call her "Practice" (remember names are changed to protect the innocent). She was really digging me.

Scouting Report
Name: Practice
Height: 5'6"
Brunette hazel eyes, 145 lbs and all of them satisfying kind of like a bowl of chili.

She was like a bowl of chili alright. Unfortunately, she came without the tobasco, because she wasn't very hot. But, come on man, it was Spring Training and I needed to prepare for the Dating Game season didn't I? So I hooked up with her.

Then things got interesting. The same night I closed the deal with Practice, Practice's friend showed up at the party we were having. This was unexpected, I mean it's Spring Training. And the friend had her act together. I'm talking click-pop-BAM! In MLB the two Spring Training leagues are Grapefruit and Cactus. We'll call friend Grapefruit. Because she had a giant grapefruit league in her shirt...

Scouting Report
Name: Grapefruit
She's a little shorter than Practice
But she's packing twins like Mini Me and his brother were hiding from Austin Powers. And I did a little rubbing of the hands friction "Yeah Baby" gesture when I made eye contact.

Anyway, she got to meet me (lucky her). We chilled out with me, have a cool Courvoisere on ice (actually I had a Colt 45, but I was just trying to keep it real). I wanted to go home with Grapefruit that night, but I ended up spending the night with Practice again. I calmed myself down though, saying "Don't worry, Khalid... it's just Spring Training."

Little did I know that the next day, I would get an e-mail from Grapefruit herself. And who gave her my e-mail addy? Practice! But, that's a whole other story. Because once I got the e-mail from Grapefruit and cut out the middle girl, I knew training was over and it was time for the real thing. Let the season begin... PLAY BALL KID!

New Rule #2: Never give your hot friends Khalid's e-mail address... even when it's supposed to be Spring Training.

SIGNING OFF
So I will let you know what happens with Grapefruit on Opening Day next week. Until then keep it pretentious and remember, nothing sells like sex.

Peace.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL 3/15/2005: "The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports"

2005-03-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

What the Pretentious Sports World was talking about this week...

by Buddy Lung, Jr.

PRETENTIOUSSPORTS".COM" RETURNS - So I guess this means not a lot of sports talk, just a lot of talk about girls Khalid is trying to get with.

MARCH MADNESS - The real madness of it is how much attention people give to amateurs while the NBA season is still going strong.

CANSECO'S BOOK CAUSES A STEROID STIR - The shocking part wasn't the steroid revelations, it was that Canseco could actually write a full book (and there's not even that many pictures in it).

CONGRESS STEROID INVESTIGATION - OK, let me make sure I understand: MLB's steroid scandal necessitates an indepth multi-year Congressional investigation... But Whitewater, the 2000 fixed election, and the Weapons of Mass Destruction fiasco don't?

SEVERAL MLB PLAYERS SERVED WITH CONGRESSIONAL SUBPOENAS - I think it would have kept with the theme at hand if Congress served the subpoenas through a syringe. Maybe that's just me.

JOHN CHANEY IS BACK - He'll coach temple in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Chaney has been sitting due to a scandalous order he gave his players to "make hard fouls," which resulted in a broken arm for a player on an opposing team. Too bad he didn't say "let's mop the floor with these guys"... I would've liked to have seen that.

NO NHL SEASON - Right now I can get away with telling my buddies I "have" to watch the OC every week because there's nothing else on TV. If the NHL comes back with another season next year, I'll have to come up with a different excuse.

HEAT WIN 9TH IN A ROW - Wasn't Dwayne Wade the name of the guy with the flip glasses from "The Cosby Show" spinoff "A Diff'rent World?" And wasn't Shaq a character from "Fat Albert?" Something tells me Bill Cosby has more to do with this win streak than he's letting on...

MNF "DESPERATE" TO AD NOT INDECENT - A five-member FCC panel concluded that the TV spot wasn't "indecent." The commision released a statement that said "Although the scene is apparently intended to be titilating, it simply is not graphic or explicit enough to be indecent by our standard." You can almost hear the disappointment in the commision's voice. Cheer up guys, you'll bounce right back and find someone to lynch for indecency real soon.

NBA'S ATLANTIC DIVISION - The first place Celtics are the only team that even breaks .500. And they'd be in third place at best in any other division. The division is the best argument to watch arena football this side of the XFL.

BEYOND THE MATT: "Salary Crap"

2005-03-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

written by Matt Lungariello

The New England Patroits won their third championship in four years. And we're supposed to be amazed that they accomplished this in a league that is restricted by a salary cap. So am I amazed? Not exactly. What is really amazing is that the arguments for a cap are getting as transparent as the mysterious cream in Jason Giambi's workout bag. The "Salary Cap" era hasn't made anything in the major sports more competitive except maybe a league minimum in the collective bargaining agreement.

THE NFL CAP:
This year, the Pats, one of two unargued "dynasties" in current sports, beat the Los Angeles Eagles of Philadelphia (Wait, that’s not their name yet, but check back in two weeks and maybe it will be). The Eagles, by the way, have been to the championship game four years in a row. Three Pats titles, and four Eagles attempts at Conference Championships show that in the NFL, the same teams are fighting over the Lombardi year in and year out. It's not a coincidence that the two teams in this past Super Bowl are the two teams with the most amount of wins over the last four years. Furthermore, this year’s other playoff teams aside from the Pats and Eagles (the Jets, Rams, Steelers, and Packers) have all had regular appearances in the playoffs recently.

THE NBA CAP:
The NBA is also restricted by a salary cap. Since 1998, a whopping three different teams have won championships. The Spurs have won twice, the LA Lakers three times, and the Pistons won last year. Further back before 98, the Bulls won three times, and the five years before that the Rockets won twice... and before that the Bulls won another three times. Thank goodness for the salary cap or else we may have had lopsided competition.

THE NHL CAP:
More of the same. Since 1995, the Devils have won three times. The Red Wings also won three times. The Avalanche won twice, and the Stars and the Lightning each won one Cup apiece. The teams that were the losers in the cup finals are, as expected, the usual suspects.

THE UNCOUTH UN-CAPPED MLB:
Since the salary cap has proven so effective in the other three major sports, baseball has been lacking in recent years because of their imperial monetary forces that unfairly put the teams above the rest of the league... right? Wrong.

The theory is that in Baseball, the same teams always lead the pack. The Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers, Mets, and any other big market team that you think of just has deeper pockets and therefore my trophy shelf space. Right? Wrong.

What people who talk about the necessity of a cap in baseball are really looking for is a “Yankee Cap.” They don't need a full cap, just one that restricts the amount of money the Yankees are able to spend. It's true, the Yankees salary budget has passed the "Out of Hand" exit on the payroll highway about ten exits ago. But, don't forget the Red Sox, who had the nation cheering for them, weren't exactly David to New York's Goliath. If a Yankee Cap is to be discussed, we must first hop on the back of the Red Sox bandwagon and see the rivalry for what it is: equal overspending making for some great baseball.

THOSE RED SOX MUST BE KNIT OUT OF ITALIAN SILK:
Fact is that the 2004 World Champion Red Sox had the highest payroll of any championship team in any sport. The anti-Yankees regime (large as they are) say that the Sox didn’t buy that title, they were just trying to compete with the Yankees. Oh really?

The only home grown players on the Sox were Nomar and Trot Nixon. Nomar was traded and was possibly the biggest reason the Sox went on to win it all. So Trot was the only home grown player on the team in the end. That means that everyone else were "bought" or "hired guns." The Yankees who “bought” all their championships had Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettitte, Mariano Rivera, and the duo of Ricky Ledee and Shane Spencer who were all brought through the system. The logic that supports so-called Red Sox Nation says that the Yankees “bought” their titles and the Red Sox earned theirs. This is garbage. The Yankees are forced to share revenues with all the other teams including the high-priced Red Sox, and the Yanks' payroll is taxed based on the amount of money they spend each year.

Perhaps the biggest defense for Yankees spending, and the one argument that will shut up any "our team doesn't have money like the Yankees" comment is what happens with the fees the Yanks are paying. t should be noted that there is no rule that forces the teams on the receiving end of this so called “revenue sharing” to actually use the money to improve their teams. Lets just say that George took the other owners out to lunch to a very expensive place 365 times last year. So right away, let's get the "Yankees Cap" out of the way and move on to MLB generally.

UNSCREW THE MLB NON-CAP SYSTEM:
Since 2000, the World Series winners are the Red Sox, Marlins, Angels, Diamondbacks, and the Yankees. That is five different winners in five different years. Now that is a true competitive balance. These are both big and small market teams.

MEMBERSHIP TO RED SOX NATION DON'T COME CHEAP:
The salary cap petition posterboy Yankees' payroll only sky-rocketed after all their championships in the late 1990s. And if the Red Sox offseason taught us anything, it’s that once a team goes all the way, the players' pricetags go up. For instance, Derek Lowe’s value went up after his amazing preformance in the playoffs, despite a mediocre (at best) season. Pedro’s price tag stayed up, Jason Varitek’s grew, and even Cabrera’s started looking like Donald Trump's wig bill. If the Sox tried to keep all of their championship players, their payroll would be up near where the Yankee’s stands right now. That shows the obvious, that it costs a lot of money to keep winning players around. The teams have two choices, either you can give the players outrageous contracts that they probably don’t deserve, or you can let them walk. In the Yankee’s case, they tried to keep them all around, and in the Sox case, they let a few walk.

The point is that the salary cap is not what won the Yankees the championships in the late 90's, the cap has not shown to put the Yankees in any unattainable league out of reach to their league mates, and it has not proven that the Yankees have the ability to "steal" more talent away from their competitors, only that the Yankees tried to stick with their winning formula. The Yankees have done nothing but prove that a salary cap is unnecessary.

YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT HOW DO YOU FIX THE BALANCE WITHOUT A CAP?
If they want to fix the competitive balance problem in Basball, the answer is simple: Like in every other sport, allow teams the right to trade their draft picks. It's a common practice in all sports. In the NFL, the Chargers traded the number one overall pick to the Giants and were a playoff factor the following year.

There's a rule restricting teams from trading their draft picks in Baseball, so if a team team doesn’t think that they have enough money in their budget to sign the best player in the draft, then they have no real option but to pass on him. Basically, it would be a bad team investing millions that they don’t have on a player that make never play for them. We all know that prospects are suspects until proven overwise. It's not like other sports that a player can be picked first overall and come in to help the team immediately (Lebron, Rothlisberger). Sometimes it can take years of development They don’t get a top notch player, which they could’ve traded, and in turn don’t get any better. Dumb rule if you ask me or any of the other major sports. The rich get richer. The best player in last year’s draft was picked 13th overall by the now-wealthy Angels. Twelve teams thought that they didn’t have enough money to sign him, so they passed. The team with the most money and the highest pick got him. How can the bad teams get better when they were the worst team, get the number one pick, and cant even pick the best player? If my rules were practiced, they still wouldn’t be able to sign him, but they would be able to trade him to a team that can put that amount of money into the minor leagues and wait it out. If the Devil Rays(who had the first pick) were able to pick the best player, they may have been able to get involved in the two trades that sent Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder packing. Don’t you think that the Devils would be a different team next year with one of those pitchers on their squads?

If it didn’t help them and they’re doomed to another season in the cellar, they would have the number one overall pick again, and may be able to get another front line starter or a power bat. Now, they are a contender. Imagine that promising young group of hitters two years older with Tim Hudson and Rch Harden (who is due to leave Oakland once he gets his contract) anchoring the staff. That is a quality team. After all, the 2001 Diamondbacks won the title with two picthers and a sack of tomatoes as their rotation. I figured all this out without even sitting in a board room for five seconds. Makes sense, don’t it?

SOLUTION 2 - SHOW THESE MLBPA PEOPLE WHAT COLLECTIVE BARGAINING'S ALL ABOUT:
It would make more sense to me to have a player’s salary cap in effect. We’ll say that no player can make more than $10 million a year. No minor leaguer can make more than the league minimum until they actually make the professional team. Don’t allow draft picks to hire agents, after all, this isn’t Basketball or Football where a player is picked to play immediately. These kids are getting $3 million to learn how to play in the busch leagues.

In the end, the salary cap has proven ineffective, and really is just an easy way to make excuses for consistent mediocrity. That silly Curse of the Bambino myth is over, and now it's time, Mr. Commisioner to once and for all end this silly "salary cap" myth. The salary cap is for the owners' piggy banks, NOT for competitive baseball. Just check the ratings on the season opening Sox/Yanks game and their 500 million dollar combined payroll. And if a non-capped MLB is still uncompetitive for you, I recommend not watching TV until next year when the Pats, Eagles, and Jets are all in contention again.

WELCOME TO THE NEW PRETENTIOUS

2005-03-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

Next week begins the re-launch of PretentiousSports".com." Starting then, we'll have updates during the week, coming from our regular contributors.

Monday will be the first of Matthew Lungariello's weekly rants and raves articles.
Tuesday will be the first of the Day of the Iron Lung and Pretentious News updates.
Wednesdays will the first of the return of Khalid Washington's popular weekly"Dating Game" feature.
And Thursday, we will launch the first of newcomer Cousin Paulie's weekly feature, "This Ain't Smallville."

It's all here, right on Pretentious starting Monday. See you then!

MATT'S BACK... And He's Not a Happy Boy

2005-03-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

written by Matthew Lungariello

Hello people, I’m back. I have sun poisoning, and I have a lot to say. First things first. Jim Rome annoys me.

MO CHEEKS Quick shoutout to Mo Cheeks who was fired by the Portland Trailblazers this week. He deserves to be recognized. He was fired as coach of the Trailblazers during his fourth season. They were having a forgettable season, but a few things need to be brought out about this story.

First, there is management trading away Cheeks' best player, Rasheed Wallace. Wallace, without a doubt was a cancer to the team. The guy has all the talent in the world, is just short of seven feet, can dribble, post up, hit 3's, and play defense. He also has broke every single technical foul record in existence.

He holds the single season and career record for fouls, and is tied for the single game record (remember, technical fouls and you get ejected from the game). Everyone in Portland knew that he was a special player. But he wore out his welcome with a drug arrest, a double digit lead blown in the fourth quarter of game seven against the Lakers in the playoffs, and disappointing year after disappointing year.

Which brings us to the trade. The trade, of course, was to last Larry Brown's Pistons last year And what happens? Wallace becomes the missing piece for Detroit's championship aspirations. He also becomes a model citizen in Detroit. Point? Not Mo Cheeks’ fault. It's hard to have a winning record when your best player shows up to play whenever he feels like it.

Cheeks also participated in the only non Michael Jordon moment that made me smile on a basketball court. As a 13-year old girl sang the National Anthem at mid-court before a game, she forgot a line because of stage freight. Mo walked over and put his arm around her and whispered the line that the nervous singer forgot. They finished the song together, and I began clapping from my seat at home. Here’s to you Mo. There's no reason he shouldn't get hired right away.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Three Titles in four years in a league that has a salary cap? Recently, the Pats lost Ty Law, and receivers Patten and T. Brown. While they were on the way to their 3rd championship last season, we were forced to listen to announcers preaching their desire to win. That Tom Brady, amoung other teammates, arguably the best quarterback in Football, only makes $6 million a year. They said Brady doesn’t make Peyton Manning money, he just beats him. Great Pats’ players like Tom make that kind of money because they would rather keep winning players around them, as opposed to personally cashing in on their talents. Now, the Pats are forced release Troy Brown for what they called Salary cap reasons. What I call it is “we need to sign Tom Brady to alotta money so he don’t go nowhere.”

Now Brady will be the deserving receiver of the 3rd highest contract in the NFL. I guess we can throw that desire to win nonsense out the window. I hope the Pats win two games next season.

KOBE FREE TO FOCUS ON BASKETBALL The civil suit filed against Kobe Bryant was settled one day before anyone had to swear under oath about the whattheheckhappened the night of the alleged rap. At the time that the “victim” first went to the authorities with this story, she claimed that she didn’t want any money from the superstar, she just wanted to see him go to jail for what he had done. When she was finally scheduled to take the stand, she decided that it would be too difficult to relive the events of that evening.. The case was thrown out.

I guess it wouldn’t have been hard for her to appear on the stand this time to give “her side” as long as she would be getting money for it. I truly don’t know what happened that night and honestly wouldn’t be surprised either way. But, three people came forward in Kobe’s defense saying that they all had sexual relations with the girl within seven days of the apparant rap.

I will not pretend to be a female who was taken advantage of, but I think if I was raped, I probably wouldn’t feel like having sex for a while. Definitely not with three different men in the next seven days.

Oh yeah, and as for his career: I hope Kobe is happy. He got just what he wanted. A team that is not a playoff factor.

STUPID GOOD MOVE I used to be an Oakland Raiders fan, but now I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

The Raiders have a great receiver and his name isnt Randy. It's Jerry, Jerry Porter. They have a few big names on defense and had one of the best passing attacks in the league last season. What they don’t have, and what they didn’t have during their Superbowl debacle a few years ago, is a running game. As opposed to making your strong point stronger, how about creating a little more balance within the team?

Lets consider the facts: the best passing attacks in the NFL last season, with the exception of the Colts finished the season early. The Colts, it should be noted, faced a major collapse in what some considered early the playoffs. The best passing attack teams were the Raiders, the Chiefs, and the Rams. The teams with the top running games were fighting over the trophy, not fighting over draft picks: The Steelers, the Jets, the the Patriots. The Raiders wont be a true contender until Al Davis is out of town, and they sign a premier back. Hint: Lamont Jordon!

BEST NON-MOVE The Knicks not pulling the trigger on a potentional trade that would’ve brought Chris Webber to the Garden. He is a huge risk, and teammates constantly complain about him. Unless the Knicks were on pace for 50 wins, he would be a liability to the team. The 76ers have Allen Iverson (the answer), and paired with Webber, they may be able to make some noise in the playoffs. So it was a calculated risk for the Sixers, and it just makes the Eastern Conference’s case stronger that they are the better conference.

Speaking of the Knicks, in case you havent noticed, they are really bad. They made a couple of trades just before the trade deadline in which they will be receiving two first round draft picks as well as their own which appears to be an inevitable lottery pick. Before you go break anything, don’t forget that it was Isiah Thomas that drafted T-MAC with the 9th pick of the draft. It was Isiah who drafted Jamal Tinsley late in the first round, and it was also Isiah that traded for Jermaine O’Neal and the talentedTroubled Ron “the rap recording “ Artest. He drafted Trevor Ariza with the 14th pick of the second round, Thomas has an eye for talent. Give him a chance to make something happen with his draft picks and if he doesn’t, fire him.

Quick note to Herb Williams, interm coach of the Knicks: I watch as many games as I can, and all I can say is that this team is playing harder for Herb than they did for Lenny Wilkens. No disrespect to Lenny, he tried and tried again to make this team play defense, it just didn’t happen. They didn’t respond to him. But Herb has shown that even if the Knicks hire Phil Jackson or Larry Brown for next season, that he can coach in this league.

MIGHT GO POSTAL If one more Baseball “expert” says that the Nationals overpaid for shortstop Christian Guzman, I might go postal. This is a 27-year old slick fielding switch hitter with speed and playoff experience. He can hit and will most likely leadoff for a young lineup that has a lot of potential. If they can avoid major injuries, this team will surprise some people in an improved division(I guess last place isnt a surprise). They locked him up for 4 years at 16 million, which isn’t too high considering what other shortstops around the league make. Jeter makes around 18 million, Nomar Garciaparra is making 8 million following a sub-par season, Edgar Renteria is making 10 million a year, Orlando Cabrera will make 8 million this year, and Kaz Matsui who had not had one inning of Major League experience signed for 7 million a year. Kaz, incidentally, has already been banished to 2nd base. Guzamn is a bargain compared to what the rest of the league is signing for.

BASKETBALL HAS PROBLEMS In the next collective bargaining agreement, there had better be a rule that forces players to report to the team that they have been traded to within one week or they shall be suspended without pay for the entire season. This should apply as long as these players don’t have a no-trade clause.

The NBA cannot allow players under contract to decide where they want to be traded. Touchy players cannot run the league. Players play, leave the negotiating with agents and GM's. In the NBA, the tail is wagging the dog.

Jim Jackson was traded to the last place Hornets and refused to report to the team, until the team finally decided to trade him to a playoffs contender. It is no ones divine right to play for a title. Did you hear that Alonzo? It is no players right to be placed on the team that has the best chance of going all the way. Alonzo Mourning was given a 4 year contract from the NJ Nets for an outrageous $20 million. The Nets had no idea if he would even step on the Basketball court. He has been fighting cancer and everytime it appeared that he was all the way back, there would be another setback. The Nets basically gave him that contract to ensure the resigning of Jason Kidd. Then Mourning got injured early in the season and collected his money without playing any important minutes and the Nets went championshipless for another season. Come the next offseason, the Nets chose to sign Richard Jefferson to a max dollar contract, and created a sign and trade with the talented Kenyon Martin forced out of town.

Zo goes on to insult the Nets front office for allowing Martin to leave instead of just saying thank you for the free money. That same management went on to bring in one of the premier players in the league, Vince Carter. Prior to that trade, Zo had made public statements that he wanted the Nets to buyout the remainder of his contract so that he can become a free agent and have a chance to play for a championship. That means that he wanted the Nets to pay him for all 4 seasons that he didn’t play in order to terminate his contract. That’s fair considering the Nets gave him money while waiting patiently for him to rehab and get back into game shape. As it turned out, Mourning was part of the Vince Carter deal and they got the ungreatful headache out of town without buying anything out. The league should force him to give that money back. Now, Mourning has signed with the Miami Heat again, and he will have his chance to ride Shaq’s back to a championship.

But I hope he never plays again.

BREAKING NEWS I just saw on ESPNews that Gary Payton, the centerpiece of the deal that brought Antoine Walker back to the Celtics will be returning to the Celtics once he clears waivers. So basically, the troubled Hawks just gave Toine to the Celtics for nothing. Theres nothing wrong with this league? I pick the Celtics to outlast Phily in the division race.

WORDS OF WISDOM Someone please make Gary Sheffield shut up! Just SHUT HIM UP!!!

FEAR AND LOATHING IN THE WORLD: Hunter S. Thompson Dead

2005-02-21T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hunter S. Thomspon has reportedly died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The journalism world, sports and otherwise, including us at Pretentious, feel like "The War" is lost.

The world just seems a little more boring today... We salute you, Good Doctor.

PRETENTIOUS SPORTS: Fantasy Steroid League

2005-02-21T16:49:00.000-08:00

written by Buddy Lung, Jr.

PretentiousSports is formally announcing the first season of the PretentiousSports Fantasy Steroid League. The league will focus on a point total being kept low, as particpants pick a "Steroid-team" whose players will be most negatively affected by the new steroid-testing process in MLB. For information e-mail team13band@hotmail.com.

Rules and more information will follow on this blog as the information becomes available.

BLOG UPDATE: Pretentious Sports Needs an Offseason.

2005-02-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to let you know that due to some outside circumstances combined with some technical difficulties that this blog is and has been temporarily in "part-time" status. But fear not!

The weblog will continue in the current "here-and-there" update format for the next few weeks (check back by the end of February for a "Black History Month" post or two, as well as a hockey season death lament or lack thereof). "Lung With the Lid Off" may also be back up, but it'll be at least until the end of the month before we can get back on track.

By March, what with the new baseball season starting up and the basketball season winding down, as well as certain outside circumstances fading out, PretentiousSports will be back up with the weekly updates, random posts, Dating Game, Lung with the Lid Off, and yes, even the weekly "news" updates. So stay tuned and sorry for the lack of updates!
-Staff

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF: 2/1/2005

2005-02-01T14:49:00.000-08:00

written by the Iron Lung

Predictions for Super Sunday:

TO will play... But that's not a good thing for the Eagles.

NFL: NFC Championship - Falcons @ Eagles

2005-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

written by Khalid Washington

It’s the 4th time around and I, for one, am nervous as all hell. Yes, I'll admit it, this is not the most objective posting you will read here. It's no secret that I am a die hard Philadelphia Eagles fan. You see, I have a certain fire in my soul that yearns for hard-hitting defensive backs. Hence, my favorite player is Brian Dawkins. And in this, the NFC Champion Game (sigh/again), we will see the Eagles face the Atlanta Falcons and the game's most feared opponent in Michael Vick.

Running: The Falcons rely on the run. Between Vick, and RB’s Warrick Dunn and T.J. Duckett, they racked up more total yards than Jenna Jameson on a conjugal visit. Running Advantage: EaglesWhy you ask? Let us back track to the 2002 Divisional Playoffs....

It was the Eagles at home against Vick and the Falcons. With a 20-6 deficit, Vick was moving the ball down field with about 5:30 to go in regulation. He only had about 25 rushing yards to that point, so the Philly defense had him well contained. On a 4th and forever, with all of his receivers streaking to the end zone, Vick decided to take off and make a run for it. He charged full speed from about the 30-yard line and saw daylight. He was around the 10 when he made up his mind that he was there and nobody would be able to stop him; he decided to down shift from 5th gear to 4th.... Big mistake. He didn’t compensate for the speed or determination of a Free Safety named Brian Dawkins. And at the 2-yard line, Dawkins laid a hit on Vick that had Michael quoted as saying, “The hardest I have ever been hit in my entire career as a football player.” He wasn’t just talking about the NFL; he was talking about college and high school and Pop Warner as well. Vick continued, “I was hit so hard, I thought that my ribs were pushed out of my body.” I could never imagine an impact like that that doesn't involve Babyface producing. But it was a hit. On every level and that is the thing that makes Dawkins who he is: you come in his zone and he will make you pay for it.

Weather: It's nasty this weekend in Philly were the Eagles enjoy home field. Advantage: Eagles. But the disadvantage is this: The Eagles have lost the last two NFC Championships at home. And both of those losses were in the cold verses warm weather teams (Tampa Bay and Carolina). But hey, third time is the charm.

Vick would be only the 3rd QB to start in the Super Bowl as a southpaw. By the way, "southpaw," in layman's terms means left handed.

Health: Next, the Eagles got everybody back from injuries except for star receiver Terrell Owens. Former Falcon and run stopping Line Backer Mark Simoneau practiced Wednesday and is tentative to play on Sunday. Hollis Thomas, who is a great run stuffing defensive tackle is back and looking good as well. And Offensive Left Tackle Jon Runyan missed practice Wednesday with a strained ligament in his right knee, but is set to play on Sunday. Advantage: Falcons. After Saturdays game verse the dumb founded St. Louis Rams, they reported no serious injuries heading into the NFC Championship Game. None.

BIG D: One other advantage that the Eagles should enjoy is their Defensive Coordinator Jim Johnson being one of the best in the business. His zone blitz packages have always confused even the better Quarterbacks in the league, and Michael Vick's biggest weakness (besides not being able to consistently hit his wide receivers…and wow he’s a quarterback) is facing the blitz. Theory says as well, that a 3-4 defensive scheme is usually more effective against a scrambling quarterback. The Eagles do play a 4-3, but will have the option to audible with Defensive End Jevon Kearse. He is fast enough to stand up and play a Line Backer and be the Quarterback spy; this should make Vick think twice before taking off down the field. Also with the reunion of the Eagles and Middle Line Backer Jerimiah Trotter, running the ball will not be as easy as it has been for Atlanta all year.

But don’t sleep on Atlanta’s defense either. Eagles QB Donovan McNabb will have a tough time with the fact that the Falcons can get pressure with just their front four and no blitz. The Falcons led the league in sacks this year, and 75% of those sacks were from those four guys. This will allow Atlanta’s Line Backers and safeties to stay back in coverage. And the Atlanta Falcons Defensive Coordinator Ed Donatell knows McNabb and these Eagles very well. He was the defensive play caller for Green Bay Packers last year. Does anyone remember 4th down and 26? I sure do. I bet Donatell wants a little revenge this time around. If the Eagles are in a similar situation for this match up (though I doubt it) he’s not going to let them get away with it again.

X-FACTOR: Atlanta: Swamps and a lot of highway traffic. Philly: Cheesesteaks and the big steps that Rocky runs up in the movie. Advantage: Definitely my Eagles.

Overall: Eagles take this.

Philadelphia 24
Falcons 20

To all my Philly faithful (and all the bandwagon fans I met this year), I’ll see you on the other side…good, bad, or indifferent.

NFL: AFC Championship - Patriots @ Steelers

2005-01-21T14:54:00.000-08:00

written by Matthew Lungariello

This may be the first and last time that we ever have a number #1 seed that is on a 15-game winning streak playing at home; and is the underdog in the conference championship game.

The Steelers have been the best team in Football since Big Ben took over as the field general. They won fourteen regular season games in a row, and disposed of the Jets last week. But they find themselves not favored in this game because the Steelers showed holes in the armor against NY last week while the Pats handled the league’s most potent offensive attack.

Last week, the Pats treated MVP Peyton Manning like a younger step brother that tries to dress like you. "How cute!" the Pats said and sent Peyton back home to stay in the kitchen with mama. The Pats game plan last week was to stop the passing game. They were allowing the Colts to run the football, but made it a point to stop the pass. This week will be a little bit different. They are going to have to focus on stopping the strong running attack of Duce and Bettis. This will open up the pass for Big Ben.

REASONS THE PATS WILL WIN:
-The Bill Belichick factor. He is known for devising schemes to stop top quarterbacks and teams. New England had two interceptions of Kurt Warner, who won his second MVP that season, and forced the powerful Rams offense into three turnovers.

-The Tom Brady factor. Has has never lost a playoff game in his career. He thrives in playoff situations, basking in the pressure, the way Dick Butkus thrived in the local bar. If Brady can find a way to win these next two games, he will have three Super bowl rings. The only other Quarterback with three Superbowl rings is Troy Aikman. The only player with more than three rings are Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana, whgo have 4. Tom Brady is only 27 years old, and a win this year would show it's time to start considering with the all time greats of the game.

-The Adam Vinatieri factor. The best kicker is the NFL. He has had the game winning kick in two of the last three Super Bowls. He kicked a 40-plus yard field goal in a foot of snow to eliminate the Oakland Raiders three years ago. If he's given the opportunity towin another game for the Pats, he will win it. He truly defines grace under pressure and in a position that has lacked that depth and substance for too many years.

Pats looking to bring Deja Voodoo into Pitt and end another Pitt season

REASONS THE STEELERS WILL WIN:
-The God-given miracle factor.

I saw a replay of the Patriots/Steelers game. They whipped them by 14 points. They are bigger, stronger, and have the mental edge. They did to the Patriots what the patriots did to the Colts last weekend. There is absolutely no way that the Steelers should lose this game.

Big Ben is a rookie, and he played like one last week against the Jets. The Steelers in the Bill Cowher era have been known to leave their football skills at home in games of this magnitude, even when they are playing at home. They have been the anti-Patriot as far as their playoff swagger. Also, the game has snow in the forecast, and this can only benefit the Steelers. They would be able to focus on running Bettis and Duce, and keep the ball out of the rookie Quarterback’s hands. They can move to not let Big Ben get the chance to get the Big Rookie Choke.

VERDICT:
It will be a tough battle, blood on the uniforms, late hits, pushing and shoving. It will be a close game all the way till the end of the game. Close, entertaining game for 60 minutes... then as is almost expected at this point, Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal late in the game (not because he is Italian, because he is good) after Brady marches his troops down the field in another clutch victory by the Patsfactor trio. Pats win by three. Sorry to all who bet on this game. It’s a push.

NBA: Nash May Not Be Lebron, But He's Still Worth a Look Like Everybody Says

2005-01-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

written by Cousin Paul

Allow me to begin by saying that I'm actually a pretty solid Steve Nash fan. He's a good quick player who moves the ball around. He's one of those "team guys" who makes his teammates better players. He's a terrific player, and he even seems like he's an A-OK guy off the court. Having said, that, I do... or at least did... have a problem with Steve Nash.

I explained my problem to Pretentious Mark two days ago:

“My one problem with Nash isn’t with Nash at all. It's just I don't understand why everyone is making claims that this guy should be the leagues MVP. He doesn’t play much D, let's face it, and let's face it... as anyone who has ever played a sport knows... 'defense wins games, offense makes you look good.' I admit he's a much-better-than-average player, on a very-surprisingly-better-than-average team.”

Without quoting my entire diatribe, what I was getting at was that sports writers wanted to see a White MVP. I couldn't have been anymore right if you think about it. Nash is white. Nash is clean cut. Heck, he even seems like the kind of guy who would fix a flat tire for you outside of the arena. He is the anti-thug, the antithesis of the ruffian mentality that is and has been penetrating the sport for several years. Nash was "the NEW great white hope," someone glorified by the white sports journalists just because he was the closest thing they recognized from the Norman Rockwell paintings they used to see at grandma's house. Nash was good, I would admit it, but he was only MVP worthy because he was white...

Or so I thought.

Today I admit Nash is an MVP-caliber player.

The same Suns that went 35-4 in the first 39 games of the year have now gone 0-5 for the last five games. Let me say that again: 0-5 in five games. Did you get that? 0-5! IN FIVE! Nash is a great player, but it was tough to realize just how great he is until he's been out. Nash is great... really great... MVP caliber!

But, I still do not think he is as good as Lebron. The truth is, though, that he is a lot closer than I gave him credit for. Lebron at 6’8 right now is averaging 24.9 points in a game, and 7.3 assists with 7.3 boards. Nash at 6’3 on the other hand is doing 15.3 pts. And 10.9 assists. Lebron is also physically built for Basketball, while Nash is more or less made to be the 6th member of N’sync (maybe this is another reason for the sports journalists' support). What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing at all. It means that I like Nash, but I just think he is getting a little boost due to his skin color (and maybe because he reminds the sportwriters of the good ol' days of N'Sync). If we want to talk about MVP players, and you want an underdog, look at Dwayne Wade, or one of the many other players who are outscoring and getting close to or just as many assists as Nash. In the end, though, a valuable player is someone who makes a good team good. And even though you can't touch Lebron, I still got to say Nash is worthy to at least be mentioned in that breath. And that in itself is worth the mention.

NFL: This Season Was NOT a Bust... But Still: What's Next, Jets?

2005-01-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

written by John Raimondo, Jr.

With a year that was left with an abrupt ending with no real resolution for the players, coaches and fans, what will the New York Jets have to do during the offseason to make it back to the playoffs... and more importantly the Super Bowl?

Before we get into what the Jets have to do for next season. let's get one thing straight: The Jets had a good season. Yes, regardless of what the "win-everything-or-you're-failures" New York media say, the Jets had a good season. 10-6 was not what fans had hoped for; neither was losing their last two regular season games. But they did make it as far as the Divisional Playoffs, which for the Jets historically is about as rare as a successful live performance from Ashlee Simpson.

Yes, the New York Jets had a good season. And they had a good season with Chad Pennington hurt for three games, with an injury that may see major surgery on his shoulder. They STILL had a good season (Though I am not using Chad's injury as an excuse for any disappointing regular season game. In fact Gang Green should have won all three games during that time, but didn't due to last seconds of regulation catastrophe by Quincy Carter or was it Herm's fault? Or Hackett's? Whoever's it was... it was a catastrophe). Then there was an injury to John Abraham, leading to "I don't want to hurt my career for one game" speech. It seemed to many to be the worst thing for his career to NOT play in that one game, but Abraham didn't think so. Neither do the Jets' brass, as they seem intent to make John a franchise player and so be it... as this leads me to:

STEP 1 for 2005: John Abraham stays, but should get a nice talking to in the lockerrom. He is arguably the best DE in the game right now, or at least was before that comment turned many Jets fans exclamation points into question marks. Regardless, he's a worthwhile component. As for the attitude that had him miss the most important game of the season... Well, hopefully that attitude of self concern will be discarded with the cast he's wearing on his bum leg.

STEP 2: Please, guys: keep Martin! There are rumblings in Jets land about sticking with Lamont Jordan, and getting rid of Martin because Martin is older. OK< Martin is 31, yes, and most running backs in the league do come to the beginning of their end at about that age, but Curtis is still "Da Man" and quite possibly the most underrated player infootball. He is showing signs of the greatest ever, Barry Sanders, and let's not forget coming off a fantastic year. He cannot become a franchise player at his age, but he gets what he needs... and he still gives what New York needs.

STEP 3: Think of something... anything... to do with Lamont Jordan. But keep it. I don't care what you do... have incentives in his contract so that you will do his dishes for three years. Think of a happy compromise! The Jets also need to make a decision with Lamont Jordan. Now this guy is a beast. The problem of course is that someone as talented at Jordan will likely not want to share time on the field with Curtis Martin. But the Jets need to push to make it work for BOTH of these guys. It doesn't make sense to look to drop Martin because of what Martin IS, and it doesn't make sense for the Jets to let Jordan go, because of what he WILL BE. And if Jordan goes elsewhere to be the star player on a rival team, he will become a leading rusher, and one of the most threatening opponents the Jets can face... So somehow, sign this guy... not because he is an alternative to Martin or because he is younger than Martin. I don't want to see Jordan replacing Martin, but you need some arrangement to keep him not only as a Jet, but more importantly, prevent him from becoming your opponent. This may be the toughest decision the Jets face this offseason, and although it may seem impossible to have both Martin and Jordan, it isn't. The Jets will only prove their worth as a collective, if they can make it work.

STEP 4: Get someone to complement Justin McCareins. Get someone tall, someone athletic. Draft someone that size. There will be a kid to draft in the later rounds. Or any round. It doesn't matter. McCareins needs a little spice. He's like peanut butter without jelly. Go, Jets, and find the jelly.

STEP 5: You might notice the Jets need a Tight End (yes, they had one this season). The Jets need a TE who's not afraid to go over the middle, can block well. and has great hands. It's like the Jets face the Curse of Kyle Brady: they can never find a good TE. But they need to. Next to the Martin/Jordan decision, this is the most important move of the offseason. This could be the difference between a good season and a great season.

STEP 6: Keep the D. The defense was outstanding. You can sayt what you want, but they were great this year. They were younger, faster, and stronger than last year. And if they had not been left out on the field so much because their offense couldn't score, then they would have been almost perfect. They were just overworked. And let's face it, you keep stetching a rubberband, sooner or later it gonna snap. Same with the D. They were great, just stretched a little too much most of the time.

STEP 7: Good bye, Hackett! He was terrible for this team and maybe he'll be terrible for any team (check his stats with KC before they had an offensive force). Still, I will not put blame on Hackett foreverything.

STEP 8: Begrudingly, the Jets need to give Herm another chance. 17-17 jets Steelers. "Let me just kneel the ball with six seconds left, lose two yards, so we can secure no time left after Brien misses this FG." It's obvious they needed to at least attempt to move the ball forward. That's regular high school coaching theory that is out of wack. They showed it right on the screen: The longest kick ever at Heinz field was 48 yards, one more than that "game winning" kick. That kick is no one's fault, except big Herm's fault. And he needs work. He needs to know ball management, time management, and play calling. I mean with Heimerdingerin there now, we should not have this problem, but Herm has the final say on all calls and he makes bad decisions sometimes. Herm is enthusiastic and a good leader. Too good of a leader, who in crucial times, lead these guys into certain death. Herm, you get another chance, you've been good, but learn to trust your coordinators, especially when it comes to the clock... that's why those guys are on the payroll in the first place.

STEP 9: So don't lose the team, build off of it. Let's get some new offensive plays in the book. Here's a suggestion: Shotgun maybe?

Let the offense attack and no worries about the defense, they're there to defend and help out, not play the whole game. Give them a rest. You do that by scoring. Score, Score,Score!!!!! That's the new motto.

As for talk of Chad not being fit to rule, that's off. Chad is fine and he is the future of the Jets, so look no further for the QB who will lead you deep and deeper into the playoffs and hopefully the promised land. The future is now, and the team must stay optimistic. The loss was crushing, but it was not in vain. This was the beginning... and the team is only two major offseason moves and 9 small John Raimondo steps away from rebounding off a good season and bouncing right into a great one.

But as a Jets fan, you can never be sure, can you?

NFL PLAYOFFS: Colts @ Patriots

2005-01-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

written by Skittles Mikloan

Hey Pretentious fans, the Eagles game's already IP and I thought I'd jot down some Mikloan predictions for tonight's game, which just by coincidence, is the game that is the most anticipated of the weekend.

The main question is will Peyton Manning be Peyton Manning tonight? Or will New England's coach Belichick be able to get inside Manning's head and take the first step to lead his Pats to another League and maybe even Super Bowl title? Let's face it Belichick has done it before... But now we're seeing Manning coming off the single greatest QB season in history, and a rather convincing Wild Card performance.

The Pats are pro's. They get it done. They don't make mistakes, so you can't count of them handing this to Manning and the Colts. Some say maybe with some adjustments to the D, the Colts can be a Super Bowl team NEXT year, but not now. Not while the Pats are in the way.

But then again, Ty Law is out and obviously can't be a factor from the rehab institution. Tyrone Poole is out. Heck, I'm going with the Colts on this. It'll be tight, because leave it to the Pats to play better than they should. But I think we're gonna finally see Manning the way he should be in the playoffs. Like a bomb dropping animal.

I'll give this to the Colts by 4. Yes, four. You know the Pats are going to have a dramatic field goal come into play somewhere (don't they always?) But they're not going to extinguish the fire in Manning's season.

NFL PLAYOFFS: Vikings @ Eagles

2005-01-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

written by Skittle Mikloan

Quick thoughts before game time: T.O.'s absence is going to be the death of the Eagles 2004-2005 football season. This is true. But it won't be today.

Culpepper and Loudmouth Moss are coming off a successful Wild Card round and have that momentum going, but I'd think the selfishness of several members of the Vikings is going to make sure momentum stops today. McNabb and the Eagles will chew up the Vikings. They'd pound them if T.O. was healthy, but they'll still pull off a convincing victory offensively, and this year's revamped Eagle defense will be like a brick wall that even Loudmouth Randy won't be able to "talk his way through." The defensive pressure against Culpepper will have the weight of Atlas on his shoulder and poor Culpepper will turn out to fall short. Poor him, he's got the weight of the team on his shoulders.

It'll be next week, the Phila Eagles are going to really miss T.O., but this week the improved Eagles offense from last year, and the consistent offense (even without T.O.) will get the job done with the Vikings. We can be crying over T.O. next week, but for now, it'll be more like "T-Who?"

Eagles by 10.

NFL PLAYOFFS: Rams @ Falcons

2005-01-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

written by Skittles Mikloan

Two words: Michael Vick.

The Mikloan prediction on tonight's game: Marc Bulger will stay competitive in the first half, but the constant pressure from the Falcons' defensive line will get to him. Bulger will perform well intially, but he won't be able to keep his energy up with people like Rod Coleman breathing down his neck. As the game goes on, Bulger will start making mistakes, and without the Rams offense going tit for tat, they will slowly crumble. The game will probably stay close early on, but the Falcons will take a commanding lead sometime in the second. In the end Atlanta will take this game in a dominating fashion.

Just remember Michael Vick is coming out on top in this this matchup of QB's in a game of "who's defense is going to be more successful in putting one the pressure?" They'll both be able to get off some passes and TD's, but Vick's going to be more successful than Bulger will be and that will be the difference in this game. Add the play factors to a pumped up Atlanta hometown crowd that haven't sniffed the playoffs since last century and BOOM! Atlanta cremate the Rams.

Falcons by 14... Yes 14.

NFL PLAYOFFS: Jets @ Steelers

2005-01-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

written by John Raimondo, Jr.

J-E-T-S: Jets, Jets, Jets! I don't have to pretend: I want the Jets to win this and I actually think they can pull it off. They've already made it into the second round of the playoffs, which is further than many thought they were capable of. And now... now they face a team that is the big favorite to win on Saturday. Early in the season, most thought Pitt would be good, but 15-1!? No Way! But here the Steelers are, big and mighty, and at home, ready to send my Jets home packing, without the Jets putting up much of a fight.

...Or will they?

During the last meeting of these teams in the regular season, the game was tied, 3-3, going into the 4th. What killed the Jets that day was that their defense was on the field way too long. The D can only hold their opponents for so long when their offense is not producing. So what the Jets need tomorrow is to move the ball, control it and not be so conservative. I would rather see the Jets lose a game throwing the ball for the endzone than lose and not move the ball at all. And there's evidence to show, they are at least going to try to move it. They're dramatic victory last week in the Wild Card round came partially from yards throwing, not running which has been expected from this team. Maybe QB Chad Pennington has finally faced his fears and put the ball in motion. And maybe that's what the Jets need: putting the ball in the air instead of running as Pitt will no doubt expect them to.

It's not going to be easy. The Jets won't have a lot of room to make mistakes. Big games are needed from Chad, Martin, Jordan and that recieving corps which now has Chrebet back. The defense has been great all year, minus that questionable secondary every game. And on that note, what is up with John Abraham? Listen guy, you are a stand out DE (some would argue the best in the game right now) but with the selfish comments that he has been making, maybe he should stay laid up in bed at home. ( I can't believe I just said that when I'm talking victory). The d-line and the linebackers need to attack! Stay aggressive. Go after this rookie QB "Big Ben" and make him Small Ben. It could be done. He's about to play only the second true true true pressure game of his short career. He did not have a good game last time against the Jets because Gang Green went after him. Ben threw 2 or 3 interceptions because they went after him and he was rattled like a rookie QB should. This being the playoffs, it will take even less for the Jets to make a statement against him.

My confidence stands tall beside the Jets saturday. Come out strong and use that clock. No Half Back Pass this weekend!

Call me crazy, but I'm going with my boys here. Jets by 3

LUNG WITH THE LID OFF 1/13/2005

2005-01-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

written by The Iron Lung

Note: In a new feature to this web log, The Iron Lung will contribute a random thought weekly. Rants, raves, and ridiculously illogical comments. Here he is:

Rookie QB Eli Manning, younger brother of Indianapolis' Peyton Manning, refused to sign with the San Diego Chargers if they drafted him. Manning then proceeded to sign with the New York Giants and get thoroughly beaten to a pulp in every game he played except the last of the season. The refusal was classless and silly, especially after his rookie year performance, and just goes to show you that some things don't run in the family.

Three words for you, Eli, buddy: Bobby. Bonds. Jr.

Enough said.

TOP 10 ATHLETES SINCE 1980

2005-01-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

Twenty-five years ago, the 1980's started and quickly became the tackiest decade in American history. It was also the decade our generation was raised in (or even born in). To celebrate the 25th anniversary of 1980, we here at PretentiousSports all voted on who were the top athletes of the last 25 years. Here's what we came up with, with a few comments from some of those who voted on it... Be prepared, some of us don't agree with the results!

THE TOP 10 OF THE LAST 25

10. CAL RIPKEN, JR.

Why: Had that impressive consecutive game record. Had over 3,000 hits which makes him a first ballot Hall of Famer. Four seasons with over 100 RBI's, five seasons with a BA over .300. 1695 career RBI's and 431 homeruns. He also was named a possiblility to run for governor of Maryland.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Doesn’t belong on this list

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: It's not that I think Cal was a poor athlete, I just think that he is not on the level of talent as the other people on this list (and many people who aren't). In fact, I could make arguments for at least three other "Jr.'s" who were superior athletes. Still, Cal did have that insane consecutive game streak, but let's face it: it was for the Orioles after all. Congrats anyway, Cal... you made the list which is more than I can say for myself.

KHALID WASHINGTON: The iron man (not to be confused with Iron Lung). Ripken Jr. is every woman's dream in baseball: his consecutive games streak was the opposite of "a quickie."

9. ROGER CLEMENS

Why: 328 career wins, 4317 SO 2nd all-time, Won 20 games or more 6 times, more Cy Youngs than any pitcher ever. Probably THE most intimidating and most consistent pitcher of the modern era... or maybe even ever.

Comments:
BUDDY LUNG, JR.: The offense always gets all the credit and it's not the way it should be. Clemens has been dominant so long that we almost neglect how good he actually is. He will go down as the best pitcher of the modern era... and maybe the best pitcher of all time. Four teams, and won at least one Cy Young with each team! He's one of only three players (Elston Howard and Wade Boggs being the others) that Red Sox and Yankees can agree is "Da Man." That alone is enough of a distinction, but if it's not name someone else who has been as dominant or as intimidating for as long of a time as this guy. I said it before, I'll say it again. "Da Man."

KHALID WASHINGTON: Yankee Nation hates him for betraying them, but you have to take your hat off. One of the greatest pitchers of the past 25 years and perhaps all time, his presence alone can make a grown man soakhis tights.

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Best and most consistent pitcher of our time, maybe all time.

8. MIA HAMM

Why: As a member of the US National Team, she was FIFA Player of the Year twice, all time leader man or woman for goals and points, a founding member of the Washington Freedom in the WUSA, quickly became the premier player in the league, and lead the league in goals and assists in 2003. The biggest (and maybe only) US soccer star ever. A lot luckier in championship games than her husband Nomar Garciaparra.

Comments:
KHALID WASHINGTON: Best women's (and maybe men's) soccer player in history. She didn't even need to take her shirt off.

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: I guess we had to include a female on this list.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: I like my Hamm with cheese and she comes with a lot of it!

7. WAYNE GRETSKY

Why: Won seven straight scoring titles, scored 92 times in a season (all time record), scored five goals in one game, the only player to score over 200 points (goals and assists) in a season, Gretsky had over 200 points four times, lead the Oilers to four Stanley Cup championships., all time goal and points leader, his number retired league wide, and he's basically inarguably the best there ever was. His nickname is "The Great One!"

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: The great one. The best hockey player in the last 25 yrs and a fine Canadian citizen

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: The guy's friggin' nickname is "The Great One." He literally is God-like in his dominance over the sport, and maybe even more dominant than Ruth in baseball and Jordan in basketball, but with one thing that sets him above. This guy can ice skate.

KHALID WASHINGTON: The don't call him the GREAT ONE for nothing. More goals scored than any other player in NHL history. I bet if he wanted to play again, the owners would give the players that desired salary increase.

6. BARRY SANDERS

Why: 3rd all time career rushing, led league in rushing 4 times, appears twice on the single season top ten, 6th all time rushing TD leaders.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: The best Running Back in the history of Football. Defines Sportsmanship, and retired in his twenties when he needed a season’s work to break all time records. He is the polar opposite of a “hot dog.”

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: In the NFL more than any other sport, a player is judged by their ability to win a championship. Even Dan Marino. But not Barry Boy. He's the one guy we say "so what if he never won a championship?" Barry didn't need one. He is Barry Sanders after all.

KHALID WASHINGTON: Emmitt Smith had the best starting offensive line in history. Payton had one of the best as well in 1984, his break out year. Barry Sanders? Never had a line at all. I bet some of you readers could have played better Right Tackle than the guys he had. The result? 3rd all time in rushing yards. And retired, injury free and probably a year past his prime. Which means he could have easily broken the record. He says that he quit because he didn't want to surpass a man as great as Walter Payton, who is the all time rushing yards leader. That's class in my book.

5. JERRY RICE
Why: 20 years in the NFL, 13 time pro bowler, 274 game reception streak, league leader in all time receptions, most yards receiving, and touchdown receptions and still going strong.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Statistically, the best wide receiver in Football history. Holds records that will never be broken. 4 words, Joe Montana, Steve Young.

BUDDY LUNG, JR: If this guy ever stops playing, and playing well for that matter, he'll go down in history as one of the best. No one pork fries this Rice.

KHALID WASHINGTON: All time leader in catches, yards and touch downs. All time leader in most consecutive games with a catch. Playing since 1986. Any more questions? When it comes to football, Rice is more than one of the best in the last 25 years...he's the best ever.

4. MIKE TYSON

Why: Youngest heavyweight champ at 20, first undisputed champion since Leon Spinks, knocked out just about anybody in a maximum of two rounds, including up until then undefeated Mike Spinks in 90 seconds, started his career 37-0 with 33 knockouts, had a dominance until his jail sentence umatched by any prizefighter ever. And he threatened to eat Holyfield's babies and then bit off the guy's ear.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: For a period in the 1980s, Would have knocked out anyone who stepped into the ring with him inside of 2 rounds. World Heavyweight Champion at 19 yrs old.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: Top 3 people I never want to be pissed at me: 1) Bruce Lee 2) Mike Tyson 3) Oprah.

KHALID WASHINGTON: Pound for pound, he knocked out more guys than Jenna Jamison on a good day. There's nothing like paying 59.95 for 90 seconds of pay-per-view coverage. That's Mike Tyson for ya.

3. BARRY BONDS

Why: Soon to be the career home run leader, is already the single season homerun king, next to Hank Aaron and the Babe the only guy to hit over 700 career homeruns, the single season leader in walks and intentional walks, leader in slugging percentage (and the only person to to slug 800 except Ruth), had an OBP of over .600 in 2004 and over .500 three times before that. 7 time, yes 7 time NL MVP. Oh yeah and before he became huge, he stole about 500 bags too, and hit over 100 RBI's 12 times.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Steroids, BALCO, Juice.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: Scandals or not, bad interview or not, personal chef stealer or not, the guy has got a grip on the game not seen since the likes of Babe Ruth. His stats look more like basketball stats than baseball most of the time.

KHALID WASHINGTON: Balco or no Balco, you can't argue with hand-eye coordination. And this man has had the best hand eye coordination of any baseball player over the past 25 years.

2. LANCE ARMSTRONG

Why: National and World Champion various times, four Tour de France's in a row, let's not forget the guy rebounded from Cancer, and I think he may be able to turn water into wine too. His biggest miracle is that he's a bicyclist but your girlfriend knows his name.

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Started the steroid scandal pretty much under the radar, but nonetheless, overcame cancer, has won five consecutive Tour de France’s. Arguably the best athlete ever.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: I'm telling you if training wheels were legal at the tour, I could beat this guy.

KHALID WASHINGTON: My #1 only because he won Tour De France, got cancer, fought cancer, beat cancer, then won Tour De France some more. Props.

1. MICHAEL JORDAN

Why: Well just to name a few things: he is the All-Time leader in PPG average at 30.1, and has a slightly higher total (33.4) in the playoffs. He's a 14 time All-Star, third all time points in NBA history, three time All-Star MVP, Rookie of the year, Five Time NBA MVP, Six time NBA champ, and oh yeah won two Olympic Gold Medals as well. Let's also not forget the Michael Jackson music video, Nike air sneakers, and "Space Jam."

Comments:
MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: The man who could fly. The most clutch performer in any sport. Was probably good enough to play professional Baseball if he chose to out of college. 6 titles, mvp awards, movies, commercials. Once came in first place in a vote for which athlete would make the best president. Finishing ahead of Joe Torre. I wanna be like Mike.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: Who else could retire three times and make people sad every time?

KHALID WASHINGTON: I thought I was gonna blow my head away if I heard one more person say they wanna be like Mike (don't say it Matt) {editor's note: too late}. Respect, Rookie of the Year, 6 Championship rings, countless MVP's, Defensive Player of the Year, All-Star votes...the list goes on and on. You have to admit hands down, the greatest athlete of the past 25 years.

Pretentiousable Mention:

ANDRE THE GIANT

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Just for the fact that he is that big, but can still move around so well.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: For his role in "The Princess Bride" alone, he deserves to be on this list. Andre vs.. Hulk Wrestlemania 3 was the defining moment of my young life.

KHALID WASHINGTON: Leave it to white voters to give this honor to Andre instead of Junkyard Dog.

KEN JENNINGS (from Jeopardy!)

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Who?

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: And you think Cal Ripken's streak is impressive? Cal Ripken didn't have to win all those games, just play in them.

KHALID WASHINGTON: I'll take "The Record Won't Last Long" for 200, Alex.

TONYA HARDING'S BOYFRIEND

MATTHEW LUNGARIELLO: Lucky girl.

BUDDY LUNG, JR.: The one who beat up Nancy Kerrigan? Yeah, if you can't skate, at least you can have your boyfriend beat up other skaters.

KHALID WASHINGTON: I'll always have a soft spot for Oksana.

JOBU NEEDS A REFILL 1/11/2005: "The Week in Sports from the Weak in Sports"

2005-01-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

BELTRAN: CARLOS CARLOST IN TRANSLATION - Beltran signed for $119 million dollars, which for someone who is batting .280 career is about one million per .002 batting average. Beltran's a little bit shy it seems. Don't worry, Pedro will do the talking for him.

"BIG" DEAL - The Yankees land Randy Johnson in the most talked about trade of the offseason. The Yankees, who required Johnson shave and cut his hair as part of club policy, better hope that hair doesn't have the same effect for the Big Unit as it did for Samson. Or even Jason Giambi for that matter. Johnson had his first altercation with the New York media when he pushed a camera out of his face. But as he pushed that camera, his form was that of a man half his age, which is a good sign for Yanks fans.

NETS LOSE JEFFERSON FOR SEASON - Richard Jefferson is out for the entire season for surgery on his wrist. The Nets are just having a bad season. What's next? No hot water in the lockerroom?

MOSS' MOON SHINES - Randy Moss caused a controvery when he pretended to pull his pants down in Green Bay. Commisioner Tagliabue said the NFL will be contacting Moss regarding the controversy. Moss should know by now, there will be no NFL scandal unless the league can somehow make money off of it!

JETS BEAT CHARGERS IN DRAMATIC OVERTTIME WIN - It was one of those classic confrontations where either team could do something miraculous to win at any moment. Did I say win? I meant lose. It was one of those classic confrontations where either team could do something miraculous to lose at any moment.

BRETT FAVRE LOSES IN THE COLD WEATHER - He was supposed to be good in the cold weather. Maybe it wasn't cold enough... he should go into the Nets' lockerroom.

ST. LOUIS BEATS SEATTLE - Fans watched in anticipation to see which team will advance to face certain elimination next round.

COLTS POUND ON BRONCOS - Two parts King Peyton, one part Broncos loserdom and what do you got? A lot of touchdowns.

HERM EDWARDS ARGUES WITH COACH ON JETS SIDELINE - Not much was released about the details of the argument, except that Herm was right, Puck was on the Real World 3, not 4.

MLB HOT STOVE REPORT: Big Beltran News

2005-01-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Reports state that Carlos Beltran, the coveted #1 free agent of the season failed to reach an agreement with the Astros by the designated deadline. And has now signed with the Mets.

Rating this move:
HOUSTON: Houston has already lost Jeff Kent to free agency, as well as Roger Clemens (supposedly) to retirement. They have focused so much on the Beltran signing, that they forgot to make any other moves this offseason. It has been a major question if Beltran would stay since day one of his free agency, and Houston grovled a bit, but still couldn't get the deal done and now are left with absolutely nothing this offseason.

NEW YORK: With new GM Minaya having swooped down with his big bag of money and stolen Pedro from the Sox for a four year contract which could be worth up to $53 million and now his $119 million dollar payroll to outbid competitors who just couldn't put up that kind of cash (including Houston and the Yankees), The Mets are now being called "The NEW Evil Empire." The team, who in 2004 had the highest payroll in the National League, has released a statement that the title of "New Evil Empire" won't apply until they stop sucking.

MLB HOT STOVE REPORT: Matty Lungs Starting a NYY Rumor

2005-01-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Subject: Tom Gordon for Juan Pierre
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2005 10:09:04 -0600
From: XXXXXX@XXX.XXX
To: brian.cashman@yankees.com

It's obvious, Bri: You need an outfielder, Florida needs a closer now that Benitez is gone. Pierre faces free agency next year.

I could easily help you arrange this transaction. You can call me at my cell phone (XXX) XXX-XXXX.

Thanks dawg!

Sincerely,
Matthew Lungariello
PretentiousSports".com"

NOTE: The above is an actual e-mail slightly edited for content.

You heard it here first, folks!

...Of course that's because it's Matthew's idea. Start spreading the rumor NOW!